Holiday gift-giving frustration

[rigs32]

It's frustrating to spend so much time to not know if your gift was appreciated. One year when we were just married, DH and I gave each family a clock with a small chalkboard and photo frame. We set the clocks, wrote a message on all the chalkboards, and were so excited to give such a nice, thoughtful present. Of the 9 given (we gave one to his dad, too), only one was ever used. The others all were given away or stored somewhere.

Any advice?

I just wanted to point out that it is NOT rude to do what you want with a gift after it is given (except perhaps regifting it to the giver). If I was required to display all of the decorative stuff I've been gifted that is not to my taste, I'd hate the way my house looked. As long as you are thanked, that is all that is required.

 

[preb]

Collect pictures of family members and make a 2012 calendar for each family. Note special dates each month, including birthdays, anniversaries and holidays. Update annually with new pictures. Thoughtful and affordable. Available from Costco or Snapfish. Problem solved.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

Just don't participate in the gift exchange. Let everyone know now that you will not be participating this year. Period. No explanations needed. No one can force you to participate. You are an adult. They can either accept it or they can be upset about it but they can't change it. Only you can.

I don't explain my finances to anyone. It isn't their business. And when you offer up explanations, you open the door for arguments.

THIS!!!!!!

We did just this a few years ago, best decision we ever made!!!!!

 

[C.Ann]

I'm frustrated and sad because again we have to have a very frugal Christmas. We're expecting a baby and the doctor's bills are already coming in, as well as we need to make some expensive home repairs before baby arrives, so our Christmas budget is small. I just don't know what to do anymore, and no one in my family will talk about it. "They've" always done it this way. The decision was made when I was just a little girl, and they aren't open to changing anything.

Any advice?

I just wouldn't do it - and the above is exactly what I would tell them.. Yes - it will be uncomfortable - but I would also follow up with some sort of statement that indicates this will be the "new normal" from now on and that's that..

You've exhausted all your other options - on things that weren't appreciated - and Christmas is not a time when people should be feeling frustrated, anxious, and sad over gifts (or lack of).. The gifts aren't the important part and if you don't stop it now - when will it stop?

Concentrate on your own needs - and those of the baby you're expecting..

 

[mafibisha]

Tell everyone that you can't do gifts this year--you aren't going to give them and you don't expect to get them. You love them just the same, but your budget can't handle anything extra right now. The people who love you will understand. Gifts are voluntary and are given out of love. When I give gifts, I don't expect (or want) to get anything in return. And, frankly, the best gift anyone can give is their love and support.

I agree.

Or, make a donation in each family's name to your favorite charity. For all they know, if could have been big bucks. But it could also be just a few each.

But i would do what the above poster wrote.

Congrats on the baby!

 

[diznee25]

My husband and I are in the same boat. I'm unemployed and money is tight, so we've decided not to buy gifts for extended family this year, and we've decided not to participate in the Secret Santa Drawing. (Our families live far away, so the added cost of shipping piles on. Even just getting everyone gift cards costs a lot!!)

I will be announcing this to family closer to Thanksgiving. This is not the first year we've had to bow out, and I'm sure it won't be the last. Yes, it's hard to not get things for nieces and nephews, and sisters and brothers, etc. But things happen in life and our obligation should be to our intermediate family, which in my case is DH and me.

My DH and I want to make sure that we get to open at least one gift on Christmas from each other.....and that's all we're going to do.

Our families have always been pretty understanding. They still continue the drawing without us, so it's not like everyone has to miss out just because we're not apart of it. Plus we still send out holiday photo Christmas cards, so that's good.

The thing to remember is not to care what family thinks of your choice. Make your decision, explain it to them and then just let it go and enjoy the holiday season!

diznee25

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

Buy each family a box of chocolates and be done with it. If you want, you can add a small game or Christmas ornament.

That's what I've decided to do for my husbands side of the family this year. I normally would make the ornament but I'm not going to take the time. They don't appreciate the time and effort that goes into anything homemade. And my husband has been no help even though it's his family.

I've tried being real thoughtful and think of gifts for each individual but we've never gotten a thank you. So I'm doing the easy thing.

 

[sk!mom]

My advice_ Email everyone now "As the holiday season is upon us, I wanted to let everyone know that we have decided to no longer exchange giffts, We feel the need to simplify the holidays as we prepare for parenthood. Hope we get to see you all this holiday season!! Love ___________ and ___________"

No discussion, no letting people you're not close to force you to exchange gifts. I also have a large extended family and finally was "the one" to just say, "enough" years ago. Some were irritated but others jumped on my bandwagon. We wanted our kids to remain close so we initiated a cousin name draw. A few years ago we started an adult yankee gift swap. This year it is a ski hat theme as we are all meeting in Colorado for a ski week over the holidays.

 

[RachelsMommie]

I have two sisters, so there are 8 adults on my side of the family, plus 8 kids. The adults are doing stockings this year...each person brings some stocking stuffers (limiting spending to $10 per person) for the other 6 people (not for you or your spouse). You can do 1 $10 or 10 $1 items. Then each person should have 6 or more stocking stuffer gifts in their "stocking". We'll see how it goes. We've tried white elephant gift exchanges, drawing names, etc. This seems to be more fun, plus my family is only out $120. It's been fun to shop for so far.

 

[kamik86]

Ok I haven't read all the thread but here is my thought on homemade food gifts:

My sister does this. and I don't like it much. Why because I only like 1/2 of what is in it every year. But I feel bad for throwing it away... and the stuff I sort of like I end up eating which isn't good for my already obese weight.

Now if she stuck to only the best stuff for each person (I don't need more just only give the ones I like) I would be extremely happy... because there are peanut butter balls in there!!

So if your going to do food gifts try and figure out what everyone likes most.

As for the price of gifts, just do what you can. I am much younger then my siblings so for years I was the one giving the bad gifts... Now I can do much better because now I outmake most of them, and don't have kids yet. But my family has never made a big deal of it. The idea of only doing 1 gift each (like a drawing) came up once but never caught on. I wouldn't really mind either way that would mean I have to come up with less of a list of what I want. Once I started to have money I just buy things when I want them. so the only things I want and dont' have are way too expensive to ask for for gifts.

well except peanut butter balls, I don't know how to make those...

 

[QVCshopper]

I would also send the email and decline to participate. Maybe call or follow up later with anyone you are super close to. I'm a non-traditionalist as my parents never celebrated. So, Christmas is different to me. I'd cut my list more if I could, but it's only 7 or so people outside of my family as it is...

 

[scrapquitler]

How strange to get together and exchange gifts, but not open them together! Never heard of that before.

Do the kids get to open gifts?

I agree...To me the joy of giving is getting to see the person open what I got them and seeing how happy it makes them. (And also because I'm nosy and like to see what everyone else got ) That's why in my family we open Christmas gifts one at a time and everyone watches. I can't imagine taking things home to open them or opening them all at once!

 

[scrapquitler]

3 years ago, we changed it all. One of my Grandma's got tired of having to buy gifts for her 4 kids, plus their 4 spouses, plus ALL the grandkids. It's ridiculous! So, now we do one HUGE grab bag for the entire family. Every person who WANTS to participate in the grab bag brings a wrapped gift and it goes into a bag with girl or guy gifts (or child gifts). It is SOOOO much easier this way.

Took years to convince everyone to do it, but enough complaints and it was done.

That's what we do on my side of the family, we ALL participate in the grab bag. Most everyone buys a gift for the kids under 18 on top of that (there's only 3 under 18 left - my two and my 9 yo niece). THATS IT. So much easier!

 

[neatokimmo]

If you don't do the present thing at Christmas, will you also exclude these people from the baby shower?

Personally I don't think you can get out of it this year. Can you put together a spice basket? Like premix southwest dips so all they need to do is add the cold stuff? You could get the spices in bulk at sams and get food grade reclosable bags on ebay.

 

[Magic Mom]

I love the idea about the untrasound picture. Another good one is have someone take a family picture and take it to a walmart or costco and get christmas cards done( the one sided) or a framed picture of kids. I think this is very personal and would mean a lot. It is hard when your gift isn't appreciated but the season is about giving. I also love the homemade gifts it comes straight from the heart. And maybe if they don't appreciate it then stop next year and explain that it is about giving and that it seems that they dont appreciate what you give them and money is tight so can;t afford to buy for everyone just the kids.
also you can make a big deal when you recieve theres by saying lots of thank you s and then christmas morning take it upon yourself to call and be super excited and keep saying thank you, hopefuuly they will get the hint to be polite and start appreciating.

Also what about doing a little cookbook, get a family recipie from everyone and also ask the kids what there favorite recipie is and do up a cookbook for everyone and then maybe do a little basket of kitchen goodies from teh dollar store.

I don't love the idea of an ultrasound gift. I love my own kids' USs but I don't want a framed print of the insides of other women's uteri (or is it uteruses). But I agree, the homemade gifts are a very nice thought.

 

[Keli]

If you don't do the present thing at Christmas, will you also exclude these people from the baby shower?

IMHO, This would ONLY be relevant if she never attended their showers over the years. Just because she is bowing out of the Christmas gift exchange doesn't mean she is going to stop going to their showers, quit giving gifts for all other occasions like graduation, weddings, new babies, etc and it doesn't mean they shouldn't come to hers.

 

[2disneyboys]

You could decide on an amount appropriate for your budget and make a charitable donation. Then give everyone a card letting them know you have donated on their behalf to those less fortunate!

We did this with extended family - in some cases, If we knew of a charity that was 'close to thier heart', we made a donation to that charity, otherwise, we picked one that was special to us the good thing about this to the charity, they even appreciate $5 or $10 if that's how much you have available, however, the releative never even knows the amount you gave (at least for larger organizations like St Judes, American Red Cross, Cancer etc..I don't know about smaller organizations) so you don't feel chintzy giving what you can really afford, and your helping out an organization.

This this this. The older I get the less this all makes any sense. Buy what you can afford, and for people you are close to. You absolutely can not control their reaction, but that shouldn't be the goal anyway.
Just do what works.

I agree

My advice_ Email everyone now "As the holiday season is upon us, I wanted to let everyone know that we have decided to no longer exchange giffts, We feel the need to simplify the holidays as we prepare for parenthood. Hope we get to see you all this holiday season!! Love ___________ and ___________"

No discussion, no letting people you're not close to force you to exchange gifts. I also have a large extended family and finally was "the one" to just say, "enough" years ago. Some were irritated but others jumped on my bandwagon. We wanted our kids to remain close so we initiated a cousin name draw. A few years ago we started an adult yankee gift swap. This year it is a ski hat theme as we are all meeting in Colorado for a ski week over the holidays.

i like the suggestion above.

The main point is you should not have to sacrafice your family needs to give out pointless gifts. If the people cared about you, they would not be offended by you taking care of your family needs before participating in an optional event. if they are offended, then they don't really care for you and in that case, you shouldnt be giving them anything anyway! :O

 

[crashbb]

You could decide on an amount appropriate for your budget and make a charitable donation. Then give everyone a card letting them know you have donated on their behalf to those less fortunate!

I have to admit that I really do not like this idea (sorry).

It is one thing if I ask for a donation in my name to a cause that is important to me, it is another for someone to unilaterally decide that this is a "gift". To me, it feels like someone is trying to kill two birds with one stone - donate to charity (and get the tax receipt) and give me a "gift" (plus still get an actual gift from me).

 

[disneymomto5]

No flames please...
So, I guess I'm the evil sister who has more than anyone else in my family, but here is my 2 cents...
I like to give gifts to my family; I have one brother and one sister and 3 nephews and nieces, so it's not a whole lot I guess. Some years I've gotten a box of candy for my family, sometimes a snow globe from Walmart for my family and all those things are fine. They could give me cookies or brownies or some other homemade item and that too would be fine. I would say thank you, and I also write thank you notes.

I don't expect or want the same amount spent on me, but I love the holidays and I want to give my family a gift. Not alot of money is spent and I think even if everyone wanted to opt out I would probably still get everyone something.

If it were me and you feel like you should give something I think I would go for the candy idea-you can get some very reasonable priced boxes around Christmas, and give it as a family gift and be done with it. If you really feel like you can't swing that then just don't, but you need to tell everyone now. A few times over the years this has been brought up in my family and by the time they do some of us have already bought gifts, so it's never worked out, and honestly I would hate it anyway.

 

[momoftwins]

We have decided to have each family on DH side submit pictures and tried and true family recipes and my SIL is going to create a Family recipe book. She is using Shutterfly and each family will order the book when they are done. I love this idea since I get some awesome recipes from my MIL and my nieces (who just got married) will get some yummy recipes to start off their married life! This will be our gift to each other.


Last year I took some of the money I use for other family members, and asked my children's high school for the name of a student that would most likely not have a Christmas and bought gifts for her. Neither of our families really need anything. I know we made a little difference, even if it was small, in one teen's life.