God love my DH, hope springs eternal in his heart that the completely predictable and certain will not happen......yet it always does. I, being the voice of reason, tell him that since the inevitable is indeed inevitable, why don't we just avoid it and save ourself the grief? 
He knows I am right, but continues to have a glimmer of hope....
Last Christmas, his brother, who has long gotten on my one last nerve, pushed me to the edge. In truth, he pushes everyone to the edge on a constant basis, as he has zero social skills and seems intent on being as rude and condescending as possible with every breath he takes. I have endured it for years, mainly for DH's sake. Anyway, BIL had rubbed me the wrong way all day that Christmas by being himself and then, we were invited over to a relative's house who is terminally ill and not long to this earth.
It could well have been the last time we saw Relative. All we had to do was go over and play nice. Be positive, tell entertaining stories, take Relative's mind off the situation and give Relative a happy memory. This relative has fought and maintained a spirit that I can only be in awe of. It was not asking too much of us to behave ourselves during the visit. But nooooooo......BIL had to be his usual self and argue with everyone and try to prove how much smarter he was than anyone in the room. He was obnoxious beyond belief.
When we left, I told DH I was done with BIL. Anyone who cannot behave themselves in the presence of a dying relative and act nice is someone I do not care to spend any more time with. I was ashamed to have been part of the group that visited that night. I felt we had let Relative down in the worst way. DH felt the same and did not argue the point.
Fast forward to this year. MIL was ill and hospitalized for months. At some point, it became clear she was dying. My DH and the other BIL (I love that one to bits) had been the two to take care of her and that BIL had the POA to make health care decisions. Near the end, annoying BIL comes to visit and tries to take over her care. Mind you, he never put forth any effort in the past, but in the end, he wanted to be in charge.
The three of us (DH, nice BIL and me) all wanted to give MIL a larger dose of pain meds, since she could not communicate and let us know if she was in pain. Having been through this with my own mother, I strongly felt that we should leave no room for doubt. She was going to die VERY soon and why be stingy with the meds if there was a chance she might be in pain? Annoying BIL disagreed and insisted she be given the least amount of pain meds the doctor would allow and at intervals as far apart as possible. "That amount is sufficient," he insisted. (HTH did he know? It's not as if MIL told him!) So whenever we'd leave the hospital, he'd change the medical orders and decrease her pain meds. The brothers got tired of fighting him and just gave in. They were simply worn out and couldn't fight any longer.
I was livid. I still am. It was all a power trip to him. He took a position opposite the three of us and gave her a tiny amount of meds just to show he could win the argument, IMHO. He used his mother as a weapon to bully his brothers, just as he's bullied them his entire life. I don't think he gave a *^%$ if she suffered. I do not know if I can ever forgive that. My MIL may have been a PITA at times, but she deserved better treatment from her child than she got. I was a stronger advocate for her than he was, simply because she was my husband's mother and it was her due.
So I have told DH I won't spend any more holidays with BIL. He can fly in, but he's staying elsewhere. I told DH to face facts......If BIL comes to our house, he will be a ******* as usual and I don't have it in me to let that pass. I will give it right back to him and it will be on. So why bother? Why not just avoid the whole thing by not having him over? DH cannot bring himself to say, "Brother, you are an obnoxious jerk and you need to shut up." I cannot bring myself to NOT say it.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
He knows I am right, but continues to have a glimmer of hope.... Last Christmas, his brother, who has long gotten on my one last nerve, pushed me to the edge. In truth, he pushes everyone to the edge on a constant basis, as he has zero social skills and seems intent on being as rude and condescending as possible with every breath he takes. I have endured it for years, mainly for DH's sake. Anyway, BIL had rubbed me the wrong way all day that Christmas by being himself and then, we were invited over to a relative's house who is terminally ill and not long to this earth.
It could well have been the last time we saw Relative. All we had to do was go over and play nice. Be positive, tell entertaining stories, take Relative's mind off the situation and give Relative a happy memory. This relative has fought and maintained a spirit that I can only be in awe of. It was not asking too much of us to behave ourselves during the visit. But nooooooo......BIL had to be his usual self and argue with everyone and try to prove how much smarter he was than anyone in the room. He was obnoxious beyond belief.
When we left, I told DH I was done with BIL. Anyone who cannot behave themselves in the presence of a dying relative and act nice is someone I do not care to spend any more time with. I was ashamed to have been part of the group that visited that night. I felt we had let Relative down in the worst way. DH felt the same and did not argue the point.
Fast forward to this year. MIL was ill and hospitalized for months. At some point, it became clear she was dying. My DH and the other BIL (I love that one to bits) had been the two to take care of her and that BIL had the POA to make health care decisions. Near the end, annoying BIL comes to visit and tries to take over her care. Mind you, he never put forth any effort in the past, but in the end, he wanted to be in charge.
The three of us (DH, nice BIL and me) all wanted to give MIL a larger dose of pain meds, since she could not communicate and let us know if she was in pain. Having been through this with my own mother, I strongly felt that we should leave no room for doubt. She was going to die VERY soon and why be stingy with the meds if there was a chance she might be in pain? Annoying BIL disagreed and insisted she be given the least amount of pain meds the doctor would allow and at intervals as far apart as possible. "That amount is sufficient," he insisted. (HTH did he know? It's not as if MIL told him!) So whenever we'd leave the hospital, he'd change the medical orders and decrease her pain meds. The brothers got tired of fighting him and just gave in. They were simply worn out and couldn't fight any longer.
I was livid. I still am. It was all a power trip to him. He took a position opposite the three of us and gave her a tiny amount of meds just to show he could win the argument, IMHO. He used his mother as a weapon to bully his brothers, just as he's bullied them his entire life. I don't think he gave a *^%$ if she suffered. I do not know if I can ever forgive that. My MIL may have been a PITA at times, but she deserved better treatment from her child than she got. I was a stronger advocate for her than he was, simply because she was my husband's mother and it was her due.
So I have told DH I won't spend any more holidays with BIL. He can fly in, but he's staying elsewhere. I told DH to face facts......If BIL comes to our house, he will be a ******* as usual and I don't have it in me to let that pass. I will give it right back to him and it will be on. So why bother? Why not just avoid the whole thing by not having him over? DH cannot bring himself to say, "Brother, you are an obnoxious jerk and you need to shut up." I cannot bring myself to NOT say it.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Oh if there is drama I might have to vent on the DIS so...beware (jk)
It never ceases to amaze me how bent out of shape families get about a simple dinner! That is all it is! It is no different than me having the whole family over for Sunday dinner (which we do often enough) yet call it Christmas, Thanksgiving, or whatever you celebrate and there is always some family member who has the pout on. Someone always feels slighted, insulted, annoyed, or just plain cranky. Why is that?!
It is like one big power struggle for the roughly 3 dinners a year that are "Holidays". So ridiculous.
