High School Class of 2016/College Class 2020

[Lynne G]

DD quit school and hasn't told us yet. She just threw away her scholarship. I can't express how disappointed and disgusted I am.

So sorry to hear that. Upsetting at the least. Hope all is okay with your DD. Hugs.

 

[Lynne G]

EEK, this semester has been flying by, and already, DS is talking about his spring classes! He's seems to be fitting into school fine, and enjoying the professor that teaches what he wants to be. So far, so good. Now I have to check on his grades, he'd better show us he's trying hard.

Glad to hear what all the other freshman kids are doing.

 

[punkin]

DD quit school and hasn't told us yet. She just threw away her scholarship. I can't express how disappointed and disgusted I am.

I'm so sorry.

 

[jetskigrl]

DD quit school and hasn't told us yet. She just threw away her scholarship. I can't express how disappointed and disgusted I am.

Oh no - I'm so sorry!! I can't even imagine how much of a disappointment that is, especially since she hasn't told you yet.

 

[Aliceacc]

DD quit school and hasn't told us yet. She just threw away her scholarship. I can't express how disappointed and disgusted I am.

Ah, I'm so very sorry. It's so hard to see our kids making what we know is a mistake.

Big picture: she simply wasn't ready for it, and probably has a good idea of how upset you'll be. Keep focusing on the fact that this is simply a choice. She hasn't hurt anyone, and it's something from which she can recover. Maybe it was the wrong school, maybe college isn't her thing. Maybe a trade school is a better idea. Maybe she needs to work for a year or two before college. Maybe college, or another college, will be the right choice next year or the following year.

Of my 4 siblings and me, only one sister and I ended up with a degree 4 years after high school. One of my sisters pulled the same stunt, quitting without telling our parents. Now, almost 40 years later, everyone has at least a BA, and 3 of us have advanced degrees. All of us eventually found our way.

Not everyone is ready for the "typical" timetable. Make sure she realizes that you still love her, that all she's done is choose not to take an opportunity.

Would you consider calling her, letting her know that you know? I'm sure she's losing sleep trying to figure out how to bring up the subject.

 

[wishesuponastar]

I'm sorry snoodledoo, as a parent we want the best for our kids then when they do something like this we are caught off guard. What Aliceacc said is probably a good idea for you to reach out to your daughter that you know about it. She is probably not sure how to tell you and needs your support. Maybe college is not for her. I hope it all works out.

 

[snoodledoo]

Ah, I'm so very sorry. It's so hard to see our kids making what we know is a mistake.

Big picture: she simply wasn't ready for it, and probably has a good idea of how upset you'll be. Keep focusing on the fact that this is simply a choice. She hasn't hurt anyone, and it's something from which she can recover. Maybe it was the wrong school, maybe college isn't her thing. Maybe a trade school is a better idea. Maybe she needs to work for a year or two before college. Maybe college, or another college, will be the right choice next year or the following year.

Of my 4 siblings and me, only one sister and I ended up with a degree 4 years after high school. One of my sisters pulled the same stunt, quitting without telling our parents. Now, almost 40 years later, everyone has at least a BA, and 3 of us have advanced degrees. All of us eventually found our way.

Not everyone is ready for the "typical" timetable. Make sure she realizes that you still love her, that all she's done is choose not to take an opportunity.

Would you consider calling her, letting her know that you know? I'm sure she's losing sleep trying to figure out how to bring up the subject.

I'm sorry snoodledoo, as a parent we want the best for our kids then when they do something like this we are caught off guard. What Aliceacc said is probably a good idea for you to reach out to your daughter that you know about it. She is probably not sure how to tell you and needs your support. Maybe college is not for her. I hope it all works out.

I'm too angry to talk to her right now - like 'scorched earth' angry. She told my mother (her grandma) that she didn't think she was ready. I think that is BS and she just made her social life a higher priority than school and her future.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

DD quit school and hasn't told us yet. She just threw away her scholarship. I can't express how disappointed and disgusted I am.

I'm too angry to talk to her right now - like 'scorched earth' angry. She told my mother (her grandma) that she didn't think she was ready. I think that is BS and she just made her social life a higher priority than school and her future.

Ugh. That just sucks. I'm sorry you're going through this, I can imagine how you must feel.

Let us know what happens. It's not the end of the world, but it must feel that way right now.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I was just thinking of something else, snoodledoo. Last year at one of the orientation sessions we attended, an administrator (can't remember what type) talked about a student they'd had that year that did something similar. He said that had he just come to them, they could've helped him, but he didn't. I'm not sure what, if anything, could be worked out with your daughter, but if this just happened - and isn't finalized yet - maybe there's some way it could be averted. I know it's a long shot, but just thought I'd throw it out there. Sometimes we do things and only realize there were alternatives in retrospect. I'd think she'd need to act swiftly, though. I doubt they want to lose her.

 

[okeydokey]

DD quit school and hasn't told us yet. She just threw away her scholarship. I can't express how disappointed and disgusted I am.

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry.

I am hoping she can regroup and figure out a productive path. This doesn't have to be the end of the line for her education.

 

[Aliceacc]

She quit-- she didn't get thrown out. So her transcript is clean.
She hasn't hurt herself or anyone else.
She wasn't arrested.
She's not pregnant.
She isn't in rehab.

I can understand your hurt, your anger, your disappointment.

But, probably more now than at any time before in her life, she needs you to be calm and help her through this.

You and your husband are welcome to your "scorched earth anger" (and that's probably the best possible explanation for how you feel.) once you hang up the phone.

But please, for the sake of the daughter you love, when you speak to her, try to be calm and help her explore her next step. Help her write a resume, find a job, or find a school to which she can transfer in January.

She told your mom, so she knows that you know.

At the very least, send a text tonight. Make sure she's OK-- is she still in a dorm? Tell her you love her and will speak to her in a day or two.

 

[jetskigrl]

I'm too angry to talk to her right now - like 'scorched earth' angry. She told my mother (her grandma) that she didn't think she was ready. I think that is BS and she just made her social life a higher priority than school and her future.

Hugs!!! Again, I'm so sorry. It is so hard to see them make these choices.

She quit-- she didn't get thrown out. So her transcript is clean.
She hasn't hurt herself or anyone else.
She wasn't arrested.
She's not pregnant.
She isn't in rehab.

I can understand your hurt, your anger, your disappointment.

But, probably more now than at any time before in her life, she needs you to be calm and help her through this.

You and your husband are welcome to your "scorched earth anger" (and that's probably the best possible explanation for how you feel.) once you hang up the phone.

But please, for the sake of the daughter you love, when you speak to her, try to be calm and help her explore her next step. Help her write a resume, find a job, or find a school to which she can transfer in January.

She told your mom, so she knows that you know.

At the very least, send a text tonight. Make sure she's OK-- is she still in a dorm? Tell her you love her and will speak to her in a day or two.

This is wonderful advice. When I was in college, I had to pay for it myself so I ended up working full time and going at night. After a few years, I took a semester off because I was completely burnt out (I know, different situation). But I was just talking with my Mom about college and my DD recently and she said that she remembers when I took that semester off because she really thought that I would never go back. But I did, and I got my degree.

Maybe your DD does need time to figure out what she really wants. Unfortunately, it will come at a price if she does decide on college later, since she is giving up the scholarship. But don't give up hope completely.

 

[cabanafrau]

I'm too angry to talk to her right now - like 'scorched earth' angry. She told my mother (her grandma) that she didn't think she was ready. I think that is BS and she just made her social life a higher priority than school and her future.

So hard to be the parent in this situation. This will pass -- easy to say in my shoes, but it will and she will find her path.

Both you and your daughter may be correct about the situation.

 

[snoodledoo]

She quit-- she didn't get thrown out. So her transcript is clean.
She hasn't hurt herself or anyone else.
She wasn't arrested.
She's not pregnant.
She isn't in rehab.

I can understand your hurt, your anger, your disappointment.

But, probably more now than at any time before in her life, she needs you to be calm and help her through this.

You and your husband are welcome to your "scorched earth anger" (and that's probably the best possible explanation for how you feel.) once you hang up the phone.

But please, for the sake of the daughter you love, when you speak to her, try to be calm and help her explore her next step. Help her write a resume, find a job, or find a school to which she can transfer in January.

She told your mom, so she knows that you know.

At the very least, send a text tonight. Make sure she's OK-- is she still in a dorm? Tell her you love her and will speak to her in a day or two.

Thanks everyone. I am continuing to review the first 5 lines of Aliceacc's post. Right now I am not as angry, just really sad. Crying a lot. In my mind, she just chose to make her life so much harder. Why would she do that to herself? That is what makes me sad. And that she never comes to us to really talk about anything. I feel like I don't even know her anymore. I wish I could help her - but she won't let us. I learned yesterday, that my husband has known since Friday, but was waiting for her to tell me herself - which she never did.

Another part of this is that I feel like she does not appreciate the gifts I have given her. Almost 2 years ago, I got a job at the local state university. I did this to get the tuition discount for her (and eventually my son). That combined with the scholarship she earned, allowed her to get her education with no debt. I also got her a job at the university, from which she was fired 2.5 months in. I really did try everything I could to set her up for success.

My co-workers are always talking about their successful, college-graduate kids who are doing so well in their jobs. I'm so embarrassed. I am surrounded every day by thousands of students, pursuing their education - making a better future for themselves, and she is no longer one of them.

 

[cabanafrau]

Thanks everyone. I am continuing to review the first 5 lines of Aliceacc's post. Right now I am not as angry, just really sad. Crying a lot. In my mind, she just chose to make her life so much harder. Why would she do that to herself? That is what makes me sad. And that she never comes to us to really talk about anything. I feel like I don't even know her anymore. I wish I could help her - but she won't let us. I learned yesterday, that my husband has known since Friday, but was waiting for her to tell me herself - which she never did.

Another part of this is that I feel like she does not appreciate the gifts I have given her. Almost 2 years ago, I got a job at the local state university. I did this to get the tuition discount for her (and eventually my son). That combined with the scholarship she earned, allowed her to get her education with no debt. I also got her a job at the university, from which she was fired 2.5 months in. I really did try everything I could to set her up for success.

My co-workers are always talking about their successful, college-graduate kids who are doing so well in their jobs. I'm so embarrassed. I am surrounded every day by thousands of students, pursuing their education - making a better future for themselves, and she is no longer one of them.

Stop, stop, stop. Don't make yourself miserable. I think parents reading this understand, especially parents with kids in college. It's rough, but it will pass.

It would not surprise me in the slightest to look into the future and see your daughter dig in fully to her studies when she picks them up because SHE will have to put more skin in the game and the investment will truly be hers. Plenty of kids are not at all helped by having a great education handed to them, no matter how many beaming, proud parents try to shade the real truth from their Facebook followers, coworkers, family members, fellow church members, etcetera with carefully scripted presentations of their children's glowing accomplishments.

Alice is right, your daughter has done nothing heinous. She's simply not ready for college at this time. Right now you're largely in mourning for your dreams -- the fact that she told her grandmother and her father but not you shows that she is aware of your dreams, and her failure to achieve them. Buck up, mom, and do the smart thing and show your daughter you are ready to hear and be supportive of reasonable goals she is ready to reach out for to ready her for her future.

I have a friend who worked prior to children as a hairstylist. She's phenomenal, the kind of person who can do anything with her hands. Several years back she finally decided she was ready to go to college and get a "real job". She's intelligent. She worked hard. She did decent in some classes & couldn't hack it through some others with two tries. She's gone somewhat back into hairstyling, still feeling it's somehow "less than". She makes as much money in two days as she would have in a week in the career with the degree. She loves to do hair and she's absolutely incredible at it.

People have different aptitudes and gifts for a reason. Help your daughter discover and pursue hers. It will work out. I hope she finds it and doesn't see it as "less than". I feel bad my friend feels that about herself. It makes no sense to me.

 

[punkin]

snoodledoo, I am very sorry you have to go through this, but please try to be supportive of your daughter. She's probably miserable too. Sit down and talk to her about her plans for the future. College may be something she's not ready for, either now or ever, but she is your child, and unless there is a real problem, like drugs or mental illness, she will be just fine in the long run. Also, you have no idea about what those "successful" children are actually doing. Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides. Hang in there and help your child.

 

[jetskigrl]

Thanks everyone. I am continuing to review the first 5 lines of Aliceacc's post. Right now I am not as angry, just really sad. Crying a lot. In my mind, she just chose to make her life so much harder. Why would she do that to herself? That is what makes me sad. And that she never comes to us to really talk about anything. I feel like I don't even know her anymore. I wish I could help her - but she won't let us. I learned yesterday, that my husband has known since Friday, but was waiting for her to tell me herself - which she never did.

Another part of this is that I feel like she does not appreciate the gifts I have given her. Almost 2 years ago, I got a job at the local state university. I did this to get the tuition discount for her (and eventually my son). That combined with the scholarship she earned, allowed her to get her education with no debt. I also got her a job at the university, from which she was fired 2.5 months in. I really did try everything I could to set her up for success.

My co-workers are always talking about their successful, college-graduate kids who are doing so well in their jobs. I'm so embarrassed. I am surrounded every day by thousands of students, pursuing their education - making a better future for themselves, and she is no longer one of them.

{{{{{Hugs}}}}} I just want to reach out and give you a hug through the computer. I can feel the pit in my stomach that I know you must be feeling. But your DD is going to be just fine. Please don't worry about what other people are saying about their kids. We parents do love to share the good things, but not very often do people get on FB or stand around with their coworkers and discuss the problems. And you know there are problems too. I have a few closer friends at work that knows the struggles, everyone else just hears the cool and exciting things about my kids.

Talk to your daughter. Encourage her to be honest with you about what she wants to do. Maybe she needs to work for a while to realize what she wants to do with her life. Did she decide to attend the university that you work at because you work there (for tuition help )? Was it her first choice school? Did she look at other schools too? What if that school isn't the best fit for her? She could have been scared to tell you those things before she made the commitment to go there. It would also explain why she doesn't want to tell you now. She doesn't want to let you down. I'm sure she knows what you did for her and is probably trying really hard to balance her hopes for the future with your hopes for her future.

I will be honest. I don't like what I do for work. I pursued what I thought would be a decent career instead of what I really wanted to do, all because it was the best thing offered at the university that was driving distance from my work. But I really regret it. This is what I have experience in and my degree is in, so I'm pretty stuck as long as I have a family to support. If I could do it again, I would have picked a different career and a different school.

Maybe it is a blessing that she discovered that she is not happy with her decision now, instead of later. Talk to her...find out what is going through her mind. Hopefully that conversation will put both of your minds at ease and start the path towards what she really wants to do (even if that isn't a 4-year university).

 

[Aliceacc]

My co-workers are always talking about their successful, college-graduate kids who are doing so well in their jobs. I'm so embarrassed. I am surrounded every day by thousands of students, pursuing their education - making a better future for themselves, and she is no longer one of them.

I suspect that your workplace is probably a lot like the disboards. Everyone's child is practically perfect, all number one in their class, all pretty and popular and brilliant and just the cutest little thing in shoe leather.

Or that's what they would have you believe. They leave out the part about how their son got busted for DWI or how their daughter has a GPA of 0.7 and is dating the world's biggest pothead.

Ignore them. What's important isn't the degree your daughter earns, now or in the future. (And, yes, I'm a teacher in a college prep school. I value education. But I know it's not the key to happiness.)

What's important is that your daughter figures out how to make a living while being a good person and pursuing what makes her happy. If that means she doesn't get a college degree, or that she defers it until she's ready for it, then so be it. Lots and lots of absolutely miserable people have advanced degrees.

Yes, education is important. And, yes, it would have been nice if your daughter had handled this differently. But she didn't; it's water under the bridge. So please, stop beating yourself up over this. She tried the conventional path, and discovered that it wasn't the right one for her. OK, great-- she did it in the first 3 months, before either of you spent a fortune chasing a dream that wasn't going to work for her.

I trust that you raised a good kid who simply has to figure out what makes her happy. And she's going to be stubborn about it, and not let you help her as much as you would like to, and it hurts you like crazy. But keep reminding yourself: you raised a good kid who will find her way.

Brag all you want about both your kids, at work and elsewhere. But make it about who they are, and not the opportunities they've been given. Talk about their kindness, their sense of adventure, their sense of humor. At the end of the day, those are the hallmarks of the kind of people we admire, not the diploma on the wall.

Oh, and a little ice cream therapy probably wouldn't hurt. Carvel is still open, and I think I hear it calling your name.

 

[snoodledoo]

I suspect that your workplace is probably a lot like the disboards. Everyone's child is practically perfect, all number one in their class, all pretty and popular and brilliant and just the cutest little thing in shoe leather.

Or that's what they would have you believe. They leave out the part about how their son got busted for DWI or how their daughter has a GPA of 0.7 and is dating the world's biggest pothead.

Ignore them. What's important isn't the degree your daughter earns, now or in the future. (And, yes, I'm a teacher in a college prep school. I value education. But I know it's not the key to happiness.)

What's important is that your daughter figures out how to make a living while being a good person and pursuing what makes her happy. If that means she doesn't get a college degree, or that she defers it until she's ready for it, then so be it. Lots and lots of absolutely miserable people have advanced degrees.

Yes, education is important. And, yes, it would have been nice if your daughter had handled this differently. But she didn't; it's water under the bridge. So please, stop beating yourself up over this. She tried the conventional path, and discovered that it wasn't the right one for her. OK, great-- she did it in the first 3 months, before either of you spent a fortune chasing a dream that wasn't going to work for her.

I trust that you raised a good kid who simply has to figure out what makes her happy. And she's going to be stubborn about it, and not let you help her as much as you would like to, and it hurts you like crazy. But keep reminding yourself: you raised a good kid who will find her way.

Brag all you want about both your kids, at work and elsewhere. But make it about who they are, and not the opportunities they've been given. Talk about their kindness, their sense of adventure, their sense of humor. At the end of the day, those are the hallmarks of the kind of people we admire, not the diploma on the wall.

Oh, and a little ice cream therapy probably wouldn't hurt. Carvel is still open, and I think I hear it calling your name.

Thanks so much! I'm starting to feel better. I told my 2 co-workers what was going on, in case they noticed that I was upset. Then they started telling me all the stuff their kids went through at that age, so they were very understanding and supportive. Now their kids are in their mid-late twenties and really seem to have worked it all out.

 

[punkin]

Thanks so much! I'm starting to feel better. I told my 2 co-workers what was going on, in case they noticed that I was upset. Then they started telling me all the stuff their kids went through at that age, so they were very understanding and supportive. Now their kids are in their mid-late twenties and really seem to have worked it all out.

See. It's not so bad. Talk to her. Tell her you love her no matter what and you just wish she'd have trusted you enough to tell you first.