High School class of 2011

[disykat]

Cruisen, sad for your dd's breakup, but it sounds like she's handling it well!

My son came home for the 1st time for one night to watch his younger brother march and a good friend get Homecoming King last night and go tux shopping (musician's uniform) with me this morning. I just dropped him off at public transit. He'll be "home" in less than two hours. Quite a few of his friends were home for homecoming, but many of them were headed to his school to visit tonight so he had to go back for his social life! He lives close enough that he COULD come every weekend if he wanted, but I'm guessing he'll come about once a month.

His first concert is in November. It's nice that we're close enough to actually go, but not sure if we'll be up for the commute on a weeknight more than once or twice a year!

 

[geffric]

So DD's boyfriend of 2 years broke up with her 2 weeks ago. It's for the best and we're very pleased as it will give her a chance to really be free and enjoy college more fully. He is a HS senior and 2 years younger than her....he's a young senior(just turned 17 last month), she's an old freshman(19 years old tomorrow!). Unfortunately she is terribly upset and heartbroken at the moment. It is getting better but very slowly.

She was home for 5 days last weekend for her fall break. First time she's been home and it was great having her but she's just so sad over the boyfriend thing that she didn't enjoy it as much as she could have. We had an early birthday BBQ for her too and that was nice. It was odd readjusting to having her in the house and also her setting her own schedule...coming in at weird hours and not "asking" us but "telling" us what her plans were. Nothing wrong with it, perfectly appropriate, just different than our old relationship with her. She's also grown so much and matured, we can really see the difference.

So, how's it with everybody's kids? What's new?

sounds like your daughter is "handling" the breakup../DS#1 said that T'giving weekend is the time most kids break up with the one back home and fully committ to the one at school..

Anyway, DS#2 is still having fun.. gf's birthday was this weekend and i see from my charge card that they had a very nice time..LOL
anyway, he has decided to spend part of xmas vacation in NY with some friends ... sounds like boys gone wild to me..but ...

As for me.. I am now offically an empty nester.. so I have an OKW/Dream vacation coming up and then because DH and I usually celebrate our anniversary at WDW and have dinner at LeCellier..I decided to step it up a bit and booked a MR cruise for our anniversary ..
Think I am getting carried away with this empty nester thing??

 

[minkydog]

Just got back from visiting DD18 at her college for homecoming. I have been getting this weird vibe from her for several weeks, but this weekend i could definitely sense her conflict. She seemed very tense and close to tears much of the time. Even more concerning is how she looks.Specifically, her weight. She has to have lost at least 15-18 pounds Her arms are very thin. I can easily count her ribs, see her shoulder blades and even the shoulder joints. Her little size 1 jeans are hanging off of her and I can see daylight between her upper thighs. DD has always been slender, but she's a curvy girl. She has lost her butt amd most of the fat in her face. If she weighs 103-lbs I'd be surprised. And she's cold all the time. It was in the 80s and DD was wearing a jacket!

Thankfully, DD was looking to unload and I just let her talk & talk. She shared that she is just very unhappy. She wants to change her major from fine arts to culinary arts. Of course, they don't have any culinary classes at the university so she has no place to express that side of herself.Her grades are very good, Bs and As. DD has made some friends, but she still seems very disconnected. Several times she was near tears. When i asked her what her goals are, she teared up and said she would finish out the year at this school, but then she wants to come home and take culinary classes at our nearby tech school.

So I told her to compare college to a dating relationship. Sometimes when we're dating we find out that the person we thought we loved isn't really right for us. Or maybe the relationship just dies. We can try to keep making it work, but if you know it's done then it's done. College is like that. If you know it's not the right place, staying another 6 months isn't going to magically turn it into the right place. I told her that we would not be disappointed in her for changing her major and moving back home. I thought she was going to burst out crying!

It was good for me to see her in *her* domain. I get a diffferent sense of her when she comes home for visits, although like i said, I've been picking up a negative vibe for several weeks. I think there is an element of depression going on here. She hasn't really been like this before. I am also concerned that she may or may not have an eating disorder. I asked about her meals and she says they don't have many vegetarian choices. It's mostly cheese pizza, pasta,fruit and salad every day. So I dont' think she's eating very healthy. Anyway, I was pretty shocked at how she looked and acted--she is definitely not herself.

DD seemed happier by the end of our visit and she has some good plans. She'll come home next weekend for their 4 day fall break. i told her i would set up an appt for her to speak with the admissions officer at the local tech school so she can talk about transferring. I'll go ahead and send her FAFSA and ACT scores this week. Of course, what i REALLY want to do is scoop her up and bring her home RIGHT NOW. But i think she will be okay now that she has a plan.

 

[cruisnfamily]

Oh Minky, that's so distressing. I know she(and you guys!) were so excited for her to go.

The weight loss is crazy on an already tiny girl like that! Perhaps not an eating disorder as much as none of the food appeals and food just isn't a priority. My DD has also lost a pretty good amount of weight. No freshman 15 going on here, lol! DH was concerned when he saw her how scrawny she looks. But my DD wasn't too thin to start with, really just an average weight so whatever she's lost doesn't concern me as she still looks fine.

I think having her come home for the long weekend and talk to the people at the technical school to find out what's what is a good plan.

Are you thinking she'd finish this semester and then transfer come springtime?

 

[disykat]

Minky! All our worst nightmares! I'm sure it really helped getting it off her chest and knowing she has your support.

 

[HM]

Minky...I'm so sorry your DD has been suffering in silence. You are a great mom and I'm glad you really listened to her and are helping her get where she wants to go. Good luck to her!

 

[minkydog]

Oh Minky, that's so distressing. I know she(and you guys!) were so excited for her to go.

The weight loss is crazy on an already tiny girl like that! Perhaps not an eating disorder as much as none of the food appeals and food just isn't a priority. My DD has also lost a pretty good amount of weight. No freshman 15 going on here, lol! DH was concerned when he saw her how scrawny she looks. But my DD wasn't too thin to start with, really just an average weight so whatever she's lost doesn't concern me as she still looks fine.

I think having her come home for the long weekend and talk to the people at the technical school to find out what's what is a good plan.

Are you thinking she'd finish this semester and then transfer come springtime?

Yes, she has agreed to finish out the semester so she can get those credits. She just seemed so relieved after we talked--I didn't even hit the interstate before she was texting me! My DH was opposed to having her come home--he felt that she made a commitment and she should follow through. Um, no... I think this is more than just freshman jitters and I don't want it to get any worse.And it doesn't help that we lost our beloved Minkydog in April and she has been really missing him. DD looks like she needs some good meals, time with family & friends, and maybe a Snuggie. If I see that she's getting worse, I will set up a time for her to see a therapist.

 

[agnes!]

...
Good news
But then she wrote an email to an industry group in our area asking if they needed any help over the Christmas holidays and the office administrator wrote back and asked for her resume and her schedule, asking if she was going to be home anytime before Christmas and DD got a resume together and we worked on it last night (Skyping a little bit & emailing the different versions back and forth) and DD emailed it last night along with when she would be home next month and today she heard back from the administrator.


DD has an interview during her mid-term break .

agnes!

Well, DD had her interview this morning, went for about a half-hour then they gave her a tour. The business manager is a woman and DD just got a good vibe from the whole experience and felt really good about it, we're all keeping our fingers crossed. Last summer they had an intern from her school that they liked a lot so that's a good thing.

minkydog - Sorry about your DD and hope everything works out. She has to follow what she wants to do and I agree with you...nothing is gained by her staying in a situation that makes her misreable. Sometimes it just takes a while to find out where we're supposed to land (sometimes I feel like I'm still looking ).

agnes!

 

[bethbuchall]

It's so interesting reading about all the different experiences. I am feeling a bit more lost than I was expecting to. When my older son went to college 2 years ago, there was a big adjustment, but he didn't seem to change practically overnight like my daughter has. Sometimes I wonder if she's still the same person and has the same values. She seems to be really pulling away (which I know is normal to a point) and not sharing much with me anymore. She broke up with her boyfriend (who I really like), because she didn't want to be in a long-distance relationship anymore. He went away to college last year, and it didn't seem to bother her while she was in high school. I guess it's different in college. I just pray that she stays safe and that she doesn't make any life-changing mistakes. I just miss her so much!

Minkydog, I'm glad that your daughter was able to talk to you and make a good plan!

Agnes!, I'll keep my fingers crossed for your daughter, too.

I need to send another care package up, so I'm glad to see some cute ideas.

I don't post much, but I've been reading along, and it really does help to see others go through this and the different ways it is working out for everyone.

 

[Disneycrazymom]

Minkydog I am so sorry your DD is going through this! You did a good job talking to her and giving her encouragement. Remember even if she stays and finishes the credits the semester is not much longer. She will have Thanksgiving break and then when she returns to school it is only a few weeks until they are finished. Maybe have her count the actual days until she would be home and then give herself some kind of treat for each week/number of days she can get through. You know like - I did all my class work and managed to stay here 10 days - now I get to go have my nails done or see a movie or my mom comes and we get to stay overnight at the holiday inn. If she can think of it in small bits of time maybe it won't feel so overwhelming. While I would so want to bring her home right now it actually is good for her to finish the classes if she can do it! Not only will she have the credits but she will know she toughed it out. Having said that though also trust your mom intuition about what she can actually handle.

Oh I would so be sending a snuggie and all her favorite treats!

 

[cruisnfamily]

Yes, she has agreed to finish out the semester so she can get those credits. She just seemed so relieved after we talked--I didn't even hit the interstate before she was texting me! My DH was opposed to having her come home--he felt that she made a commitment and she should follow through. Um, no... I think this is more than just freshman jitters and I don't want it to get any worse.And it doesn't help that we lost our beloved Minkydog in April and she has been really missing him. DD looks like she needs some good meals, time with family & friends, and maybe a Snuggie. If I see that she's getting worse, I will set up a time for her to see a therapist.

But she is! The fact that she was actually willing to tough it out until May should tell your DH she is not a quitter! She will honor her commitment by finishing out the semester, not quitting in the middle. But then she will come home and continue her journey with the culinary school. And she will not sink into depression or give up on school entirely.

 

[minkydog]

Minkydog I am so sorry your DD is going through this! You did a good job talking to her and giving her encouragement. Remember even if she stays and finishes the credits the semester is not much longer. She will have Thanksgiving break and then when she returns to school it is only a few weeks until they are finished. Maybe have her count the actual days until she would be home and then give herself some kind of treat for each week/number of days she can get through. You know like - I did all my class work and managed to stay here 10 days - now I get to go have my nails done or see a movie or my mom comes and we get to stay overnight at the holiday inn. If she can think of it in small bits of time maybe it won't feel so overwhelming. While I would so want to bring her home right now it actually is good for her to finish the classes if she can do it! Not only will she have the credits but she will know she toughed it out. Having said that though also trust your mom intuition about what she can actually handle.

Oh I would so be sending a snuggie and all her favorite treats!

yeah, that's pretty much how we're looking at it. I took a bunch of stuff down to her, homemade peanut butter cookies, some rice pudding, nail stuff, tylenol, etc. (and so glad I did!) DD comes home Friday for fall break(4 days), then back to college until thanksgiving break. After that i think she only has about 10 days of class & finals. So I think with that plan she'll be able to make it through. I can't even tell you how much better she looked on Sunday. I think when she comes home we'll take her to her favorite pizza place and host her friends one of the nights. She has already asked if we could go up to the mountains for some apples and pick out a pumpkin, so we'll definitely do that rain or shine.

I think right now DD just needs some special handling. She is usually pretty independent, not some hot house flower. So this is very atypical behavior for her.

 

[geffric]

i typed a long reply to Minkydog and pufffff..into cyberspace it went..

but i do admire your handling of the situation with your DD, if it was me to would have pulled her from school right then and there..
staying to finish the semester is great on her part.. not everyone is cut out for leaving home and their support system..I couldnt hack it away at school, did much better living at home and going to a different school..

sounds very mature on her part to have figured it out and considered a solution.

 

[minkydog]

But she is! The fact that she was actually willing to tough it out until May should tell your DH she is not a quitter! She will honor her commitment by finishing out the semester, not quitting in the middle. But then she will come home and continue her journey with the culinary school. And she will not sink into depression or give up on school entirely.

Exactly. It would be different if she was whining about the food or the classes, but still wanted to be there with her friends. But I'm not hearing any of that. She's not whining, she's desperate So out of character for her. It's like she feels out of control.

I think her plan is reasonable. As you point out, she's not giving up on college education. She just wants to change the venue. Nothing wrong with that. She wants to live at home for about 18 months and tehn get an apt with 2 friends. I think that plan is pretty much on track. She is not in any way ready to take on the responsibility of having her own household. But I think she will be when she's 20-21. She told me she definitely plans to do that because "i don't want to be like my brother, living in your basement." yeah, well, honey, we don't want that either...

 

[Disneycrazymom]

Also remember the school probably has a counselor she could talk to. I think she has done well figuring out what she needs and how to make the changes necessary but if she just needs a friendly face to get her through there should be someone listen to her.

 

[kbeverina]

minkydog and cruisnfamily, I will be thinking about your daughters. Agnes, will be crossing my fingers for yours.

My son comes home Wednesday for Fall Break, so I'm really excited about that. He's excited, too, which surprised me because I thought for sure he'd want to hang out at school. He called one night two weeks ago after midnight. He knows I'm a night owl and would be up. He said he just wanted to talk, but then didn't really talk. My heart was just pounding, like what is going on, is there something he's not telling me? I asked if he was feeling homesick and he said, "A little." My husband was going to be down in Blacksburg that weekend for a Tech football game so I asked if he wanted to try to find a ride there (only 4 hours away) and he said he would just rather come home. But airfare was $1200, so that was just a no-go. It just sucked that he wanted to come home and I couldn't get him home.

 

[minkydog]

minkydog and cruisnfamily, I will be thinking about your daughters. Agnes, will be crossing my fingers for yours.

My son comes home Wednesday for Fall Break, so I'm really excited about that. He's excited, too, which surprised me because I thought for sure he'd want to hang out at school. He called one night two weeks ago after midnight. He knows I'm a night owl and would be up. He said he just wanted to talk, but then didn't really talk. My heart was just pounding, like what is going on, is there something he's not telling me? I asked if he was feeling homesick and he said, "A little." My husband was going to be down in Blacksburg that weekend for a Tech football game so I asked if he wanted to try to find a ride there (only 4 hours away) and he said he would just rather come home. But airfare was $1200, so that was just a no-go. It just sucked that he wanted to come home and I couldn't get him home.

I think I know how you feel. Just when we were celebrating getting them all grown up and on their way through adulthood, we realize that they still need us very much like they did in their early years. It's a fine line we walk, not wanting to overreact or underreact.

 

[Disneycrazymom]

Hang in there guys. You have done this parenting thing for awhile now - you will know what to do and how to either help or wait.

I was curious (and avoiding grading papers) so I looked up transfer rates:
http://thechoice.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/04/27/transfer/

 

[kbeverina]

I think I know how you feel. Just when we were celebrating getting them all grown up and on their way through adulthood, we realize that they still need us very much like they did in their early years. It's a fine line we walk, not wanting to overreact or underreact.

Hang in there guys. You have done this parenting thing for awhile now - you will know what to do and how to either help or wait.

I was curious (and avoiding grading papers) so I looked up transfer rates:
http://thechoice.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/04/27/transfer/

I was trying really hard not to overreact, but I did ask him if he was thinking about transferring and he said no.

It just wasn't like him, he sounded a little overwhelmed. I had to remind myself that it's been two months. By this time freshman year, it was Thanksgiving break for me. He said his grades are fine, roommate is fine, everything's fine, he was just wanting to come home for the weekend.

 

[minkydog]

Soooo happy! DD18 is home for four days of fall break. I bet she wasn't home 40 min before her BFF came over and DD was cooking her some bean burritos. They left for a few hours to hang out with friends, then came back to the house with more girlfriends, who of course were hungry and more cooking ensued. I went to bed with the odor of sauteed onions & peppers in my nose.

Today i took her over to my massage therapist for a good working over. The muscles of her neck and shoulders are rock hard--I guess she's carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. After that her daddy took her to Whole Foods to gather up all the ingredients for pad thai and spring rolls--she has a new recipe. I hope it makes enough because she has invited everyone and their brother over for dinner tomorrow night!

DD just looks so happy, a far cry from last weekend.