Here's my Christmas vent

[JerseyJanice]

I read the OP, but I'm anti-New Rule so I didn't follow it.

The OP is upset with her sister for not doing anything at all for the OP's kids this Christmas. She stated that a card would have been enough, but the sister said that even though she had bought cards, she didn't write them out.

It sounds like the sister is depressed over her divorce and was feeling overwhelmed by the holidays. I would guess that there is a lot of history between the two sisters, and that is a big part of why the OP is mad at her sister.

 

[My sister's princess]

THE RULE PEOPLE THE RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Allison]

I read the OP, but I'm anti-New Rule so I didn't follow it.

The OP is upset with her sister for not doing anything at all for the OP's kids this Christmas. She stated that a card would have been enough, but the sister said that even though she had bought cards, she didn't write them out.

It sounds like the sister is depressed over her divorce and was feeling overwhelmed by the holidays. I would guess that there is a lot of history between the two sisters, and that is a big part of why the OP is mad at her sister.

There was also a detailed list of the items the OP gave to her sister's family.

 

[golfgal]

Seriously? Your kids don't get gifts from your brother/sisters? My mother's family was huge - 10 in all, and they didn't, because of the sheer number of kids, but with one sister and DH's one brother, we share gifts with each other's kids.

My DH's family does, too, there were 4 sisters, and they all exchanged gifts, including gifts to their niece and nephews, on Christmas Eve. The adults traded names. The tradition was, they got gifts from everyone on Christmas Eve until the one after they graduated from High School, then after that they were in the name swap. Now they're (we're) all adults with kids, all the kids trade names, and the 4 sisters exchange gifts with each other.

My family now does a huge Christmas party the week or so before Christmas - a white elephant exchange for the adults, and parents are expected to bring a gift for each of their children to open at the party. One aunt usually brings small gifts for each of the great-nieces and nephews. It's insanely large, just the 10 siblings, and whichever of their kids/grandchildren who can come - usually 60+ people!

Seriously yes, the cousins draw names and give gifts that way, the adults contribute to a charity, we don't exchange gifts among the adults at all-on EITHER side of the family. The only extended family we buy for is my Dad and Step-mom, that is it.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I read the OP, but I'm anti-New Rule so I didn't follow it.

The OP is upset with her sister for not doing anything at all for the OP's kids this Christmas. She stated that a card would have been enough, but the sister said that even though she had bought cards, she didn't write them out.

It sounds like the sister is depressed over her divorce and was feeling overwhelmed by the holidays. I would guess that there is a lot of history between the two sisters, and that is a big part of why the OP is mad at her sister.

Not sure why people are hell-bent on these stupid cards.

It's a scam by Hallmark!

Just kidding...sort of...

Look at the history of Christmas and it was simple. Folks didn't get all bent out of shape if someone going through a tough time didn't find enough time in their struggle to honor them.

I haven't sent cards for the past 2 years--it's kind of liberating.

I do know BIL bought some this year. His parents noticed them on the microwave and asked if they were doing cards this year. He said he was thinking about it. They had a newborn and he travels extensively for his job. So it is truly understandable that honoring Hallmark this Christmas wasn't their top priority.

When Gift giving becomes dutiful and expecting of something in return--it's time to end it for all involved. The recipient isn't the only one in the wrong.

I remember one Christmas--I bought a cart full of groceries for a neighbor who lost her DH suddenly to a heart attack--he literally dropped dead while telling his two boys good night.

In any case--I wanted to do something, so I did. I showed up on her doorstep with a car full of groceries. She was most appreciative.

I didn't get a thank you note, I certainly did not get a Christmas card--and I certainly didn't get reciprocated a gift.

But I did get her appreciation at the moment and that was fine.

I'm not saying divorce is like death--but it ranks up their with death and losing everything in a fire as a major life stressor. To expect anything in return--IMHO is heartless. As long as she wasn't selfish in receiving the gifts and was grateful at some point--to me, that is all that matters.


And since OP re-edited her OP, I'm not convinced that she would have been satisfied with a simple Christmas card.

To me--if the sister is as bad as the OP says, I don't see anything that tells me that the OP was behaving any better.

 

[tinatark]

Ok, DIS doctors, I really appreciate the depression diagnosis- maybe I'll send her some Prozac for Valentine's Day... With no expectation of anything in return. Not even a card.

I didn't get in to the long history - she's been a hypocondriac since childhood, it has always been "about her" no matter what the situation- one example, this summer she was here for vacation/a wedding - while she was here her husband (they were separated, but still living together) had a heart attack (he's had several, a genetic condition) and was hospitalized on a Friday - she stayed here! 2 days later, she went home, but on her way posted a sympathy-gathering status on facebook... something like "8 hours in the car, now a hospitalization, going home"... forgetting the part about the vacation continuing after the heart attack - we went to a wedding, water park, and did other tourist stuff they did while here!

This wasn't an isolated incident, it's ongoing... I need to know that's how it is with her and move ahead, either knowing that it's a one sided street or doing nothing. Problem is, I wouldn't do that to my niece and nephews, so one sided street it is.

LOL @ the rule - I'm not mad that I didn't get the response I wanted - I know that she is not depressed, just selfish and part of the entitlement class... you guys don't know the "whole" story and I don't want to write a DIS book of examples of this.

BTW, she knows she was wrong in not acknowledging Christmas to her nephews in any way, she conveniently had to go when it came up in conversation and now moved past it. She just sucks when it comes to being considerate of people sometimes, and she knows it. I do too.

 

[cat83]

wow, way to jump and attack everyone!

OP- I can see all sides. I can understand the pov presented (although quite harshly) that you should be there for your sister, which it sounds like you mostly are.

I can also see (and know, from experience) how difficult it is to deal with selfish people. She has a pattern of acting this way, and now it is being amplified by her difficult conditions.
My best advice would be to cut her some slack for the moment- simply because it is the sisterly thing to do during her tough time. But once she is back on her feet again, and continues this negative pattern- you have every right to step back in and point out her bad behavior.

As for everyone else- why is it that on some days, people are allowed to come here and vent, and receive welcome arms. On other days, similarly worded vents are jumped on and beaten to death! Everyone has their personal struggles, and this should be a friendly place to be able to release some stress without being attacked!

 

[clovergirl5]

Ok, DIS doctors, I really appreciate the depression diagnosis- maybe I'll send her some Prozac for Valentine's Day... With no expectation of anything in return. Not even a card.

I didn't get in to the long history - she's been a hypocondriac since childhood, it has always been "about her" no matter what the situation- one example, this summer she was here for vacation/a wedding - while she was here her husband (they were separated, but still living together) had a heart attack (he's had several, a genetic condition) and was hospitalized on a Friday - she stayed here! 2 days later, she went home, but on her way posted a sympathy-gathering status on facebook... something like "8 hours in the car, now a hospitalization, going home"... forgetting the part about the vacation continuing after the heart attack - we went to a wedding, water park, and did other tourist stuff they did while here!

This wasn't an isolated incident, it's ongoing... I need to know that's how it is with her and move ahead, either knowing that it's a one sided street or doing nothing. Problem is, I wouldn't do that to my niece and nephews, so one sided street it is.

LOL @ the rule - I'm not mad that I didn't get the response I wanted - I know that she is not depressed, just selfish and part of the entitlement class... you guys don't know the "whole" story and I don't want to write a DIS book of examples of this.

BTW, she knows she was wrong in not acknowledging Christmas to her nephews in any way, she conveniently had to go when it came up in conversation and now moved past it. She just sucks when it comes to being considerate of people sometimes, and she knows it. I do too.

Why go out of your way for her and her family then? It doesn't sound like she will ever do anything that you are expecting from her, why put yourself in the position anymore? If ungrateful or in the entitlement group, why buy/give her family so much? Why not just send your neices and nephews a card with a giftcard to their fav store?
I have also been there with a friend who I gave and gave to her and her 3 children. Zilch in return. I not only gave stuff, I gave time and went out of my way many times for her. I finally realized that that friend was not there for me in return. I stopped giving of myself and we haven't spoken in a year.
Gotta know when enough is enough.

 

[JerseyJanice]

Tina, if you had kept your OP, you could re-read and see why people think your sister is depressed. It doesn't take a doctor to see that divorce is a very depressing event. Good marriage, bad marriage, abusive marriage--whatever. It's depressing because it means that a marriage failed, and failure is depressing.

Above I wrote, "I would guess that there is a lot of history between the two sisters, and that is a big part of why the OP is mad at her sister." I was pretty sure that you weren't upset only over the lack of gifts. I do think she deserves a bit of a pass this year however since she's been through a divorce.

You can decide next year whether or not to give her children Christmas gifts, but you can't ever control what she does for you and your family. You have to know that and learn to live with it.

 

[tinatark]

Why go out of your way for her and her family then? It doesn't sound like she will ever do anything that you are expecting from her, why put yourself in the position anymore? If ungrateful or in the entitlement group, why buy/give her family so much? Why not just send your neices and nephews a card with a giftcard to their fav store?
I have also been there with a friend who I gave and gave to her and her 3 children. Zilch in return. I not only gave stuff, I gave time and went out of my way many times for her. I finally realized that that friend was not there for me in return. I stopped giving of myself and we haven't spoken in a year.
Gotta know when enough is enough.

Clovergirl, we must think alike, I've been planning ahead to next Christmas - a card and $20 x3!

Tina, if you had kept your OP, you could re-read and see why people think your sister is depressed. It doesn't take a doctor to see that divorce is a very depressing event. Good marriage, bad marriage, abusive marriage--whatever. It's depressing because it means that a marriage failed, and failure is depressing.

Above I wrote, "I would guess that there is a lot of history between the two sisters, and that is a big part of why the OP is mad at her sister." I was pretty sure that you weren't upset only over the lack of gifts. I do think she deserves a bit of a pass this year however since she's been through a divorce.

You can decide next year whether or not to give her children Christmas gifts, but you can't ever control what she does for you and your family. You have to know that and learn to live with it.

JJ, no history on the divorce was in the OP, my details there were that I bought several gifts for her kids, and for her, and loaned her $$ to buy them a Wii for Christmas, and she did nothing for my kids - not even a card, which would have been fine by me - it's the thought that counts and she showed that there was no thought of my family, even after I personally provided her main gift for her kids' Christmas. ( I really don't see her ever paying the loan back, and that's okay too.)

As for the divorce, they argued over minute household details, her exh said "if things don't change we'll need to part ways" - she took that as "I want a divorce" - they never discussed it again until she asked if he wanted a mediator or attorneys - a couple of months later. The divorce wasn't ugly, except that he brought things in (housekeeping, dinner) that should have been out of legal documents... they share custody (not that she wanted to) about 50/50 of the boys, and she moved, literally, next door to their old house.

Update... it's not that she didn't "do" Christmas for anyone besides her kids, it's just that she didn't "do" anything for us - I talked to her earlier today and she was telling me about the awesome, ice-tray like shotglasses she bought for her friend for Christmas. They apparently exchanged gifts today!

 

[wilderness01]

You KNOW how she is, you have tried it sounds like and once again, your kids were ignored. Honestly, I know Christmas is about giving from the heart, but if my kids were constantly overlooked, then I would see that for what it is, disinterest, and not be able to give unselfishly to her family.

She just exchanged with a friend, but ignored your kids? I would be done with the gift thing. I have an inlaw who for years and years I gave to his kids. I gave because I wanted to. Well wouldn't you know when we had kids, they didn't give but only received. It took me a few years and I just stopped. People can flame me all they want, but if someone isn't interested in my kids or their feelings, then I need to protect them and cease being considerate to their kids' feelings. I don't have a money tree and I need to take care of my own. If you are only a taker, I'm not interested in you as you are too selfish. Just a personal rule I have for myself and my family. It works for us.

Sorry your feelings were hurt.

 

[MariDisney]

I love how people get mad when they don't get the response they want, andthey delete their original post!!

If onlyl real life was that easy.

But what about the new rule?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I could have sworn this thread had a padlock on it earlier.

 

[horseshowmom]

Seriously yes, the cousins draw names and give gifts that way, the adults contribute to a charity, we don't exchange gifts among the adults at all-on EITHER side of the family. The only extended family we buy for is my Dad and Step-mom, that is it.

That's the way we did it when I was a kid, and that's the way we did after DH and I married. Neither DH's family nor mine exchange gifts between adult siblings (meaning my brother or his brothers). The kids drew names when they were little, but they don't do anything now that they're grown. Gifts aren't bought for the nieces or nephews either.

We do give my husband's mother a gift. We don't buy anything for my parents because we added their phones to our family plan and pay for that throughout the year (they consider that their Christmas gift as well as covering Mother's and Father's Day along with birthdays).

I agree that not everybody is as heavily vested in gifting as others are. DH and I don't even worry about getting each other something (took a trip this year). I laughed about the sheepskin boots I bought before our trip and complimented him on having the good sense to let me order what I want since we know it will fit, and I'll make sure we get a great price!

Not sure why people are hell-bent on these stupid cards.

I agree about the cards. I know they're nice, but to me they are just a waste of money - get looked at for a second and then go in the garbage.

I haven't sent cards for the past 2 years--it's kind of liberating.

Exact same here. Haven't sent them for the past two years (and it used to be a big thing to me).

I remember one Christmas--I bought a cart full of groceries for a neighbor who lost her DH suddenly to a heart attack--he literally dropped dead while telling his two boys good night.

In any case--I wanted to do something, so I did. I showed up on her doorstep with a car full of groceries. She was most appreciative.

I didn't get a thank you note, I certainly did not get a Christmas card--and I certainly didn't get reciprocated a gift.

But I did get her appreciation at the moment and that was fine.

And that's what Christmas is about to me - what we do for those who can't do for themselves with us getting nothing out of it.

And since OP re-edited her OP, I'm not convinced that she would have been satisfied with a simple Christmas card.

To me--if the sister is as bad as the OP says, I don't see anything that tells me that the OP was behaving any better.

I can't say either. If the OP wants to stop exchanging gifts, just stop. It's not that hard to do.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Ok, DIS doctors, I really appreciate the depression diagnosis- maybe I'll send her some Prozac for Valentine's Day... With no expectation of anything in return. Not even a card.

I didn't get in to the long history - she's been a hypocondriac since childhood, it has always been "about her" no matter what the situation- one example, this summer she was here for vacation/a wedding - while she was here her husband (they were separated, but still living together) had a heart attack (he's had several, a genetic condition) and was hospitalized on a Friday - she stayed here! 2 days later, she went home, but on her way posted a sympathy-gathering status on facebook... something like "8 hours in the car, now a hospitalization, going home"... forgetting the part about the vacation continuing after the heart attack - we went to a wedding, water park, and did other tourist stuff they did while here!

This wasn't an isolated incident, it's ongoing... I need to know that's how it is with her and move ahead, either knowing that it's a one sided street or doing nothing. Problem is, I wouldn't do that to my niece and nephews, so one sided street it is.

LOL @ the rule - I'm not mad that I didn't get the response I wanted - I know that she is not depressed, just selfish and part of the entitlement class... you guys don't know the "whole" story and I don't want to write a DIS book of examples of this.

BTW, she knows she was wrong in not acknowledging Christmas to her nephews in any way, she conveniently had to go when it came up in conversation and now moved past it. She just sucks when it comes to being considerate of people sometimes, and she knows it. I do too.

Then why are you buying gifts for her family? It boogles my mind that you don't "get the message"?

 

[clovergirl5]

Clovergirl, we must think alike, I've been planning ahead to next Christmas - a card and $20 x3!


JJ, no history on the divorce was in the OP, my details there were that I bought several gifts for her kids, and for her, and loaned her $$ to buy them a Wii for Christmas, and she did nothing for my kids - not even a card, which would have been fine by me - it's the thought that counts and she showed that there was no thought of my family, even after I personally provided her main gift for her kids' Christmas. ( I really don't see her ever paying the loan back, and that's okay too.)

As for the divorce, they argued over minute household details, her exh said "if things don't change we'll need to part ways" - she took that as "I want a divorce" - they never discussed it again until she asked if he wanted a mediator or attorneys - a couple of months later. The divorce wasn't ugly, except that he brought things in (housekeeping, dinner) that should have been out of legal documents... they share custody (not that she wanted to) about 50/50 of the boys, and she moved, literally, next door to their old house.

Update... it's not that she didn't "do" Christmas for anyone besides her kids, it's just that she didn't "do" anything for us - I talked to her earlier today and she was telling me about the awesome, ice-tray like shotglasses she bought for her friend for Christmas. They apparently exchanged gifts today!

 

[C.Ann]

My policy is to never give gifts to anyone expecting anything in return.. That's not the true spirit of "giving".. If this is such an issue for you, I would put a halt to the gift giving as of right now..

To me it's not much different than giving a person a "gift" of money - with strings attached.. That's a big no-no in my book..

Eliminate your stress by eliminating the need for something in "return".. It will make your holidays a lot more pleasant..

 

[marlynnp]

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

 

[BelleWDW]

Clovergirl, we must think alike, I've been planning ahead to next Christmas - a card and $20 x3!



JJ, no history on the divorce was in the OP, my details there were that I bought several gifts for her kids, and for her, and loaned her $$ to buy them a Wii for Christmas, and she did nothing for my kids - not even a card, which would have been fine by me - it's the thought that counts and she showed that there was no thought of my family, even after I personally provided her main gift for her kids' Christmas. ( I really don't see her ever paying the loan back, and that's okay too.)

As for the divorce, they argued over minute household details, her exh said "if things don't change we'll need to part ways" - she took that as "I want a divorce" - they never discussed it again until she asked if he wanted a mediator or attorneys - a couple of months later. The divorce wasn't ugly, except that he brought things in (housekeeping, dinner) that should have been out of legal documents... they share custody (not that she wanted to) about 50/50 of the boys, and she moved, literally, next door to their old house.

Update... it's not that she didn't "do" Christmas for anyone besides her kids, it's just that she didn't "do" anything for us - I talked to her earlier today and she was telling me about the awesome, ice-tray like shotglasses she bought for her friend for Christmas. They apparently exchanged gifts today!

So you loaned her $$ so she could buy HER kids a christmas present. Then where would she get $$ to buy YOUR kids presents?

Sorry-I cant imagine any kid being happy with just a Christmas card? Cant see why you are fixated on a card???

As for being jealous over the shot glasses she got her friend-that sounds like a cheap gift-no biggie

 

[Carly_Roach]

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

Amen.