Here's a doozy!!!!!

[3DisneyNUTS]

I got into the worst, I have to say, fight since it was so much more than an arguement today with a friend I met over 3 yers ago who has three children. one who has autism (8 boy) and two who are typically developing (7 boy 11mth girl). Anyway she is taking the 7yr to disney while the baby and her older son stay at Nana's. Her 8 yr old is 'too much to deal with' at disney he gets overloaded and to be fair to her typical kid they deserve a vacation where it isn't all about the 8 yr old. I don't have a big problem with this although I would never do this.

Here is what started the fight of all fights with us today and I just need to bounce it off you guys since she thinks I am over reacting. She mentioned to me in a hypothetical "if I would think it was horrible if she said her typical son was autistic to get the GAC that she usually gets for her 8 year old." She used their names but I don't want to here.

Well I said I found it absolutely horrible and I was completely shocked, she who knows better, would even consider it. That IMO she is a "filthy animal" to even consider doing that.(it is something I call people I dont want to curse about when we have something to deal with when the person is being horrible) Well she changed the subject and then the kids came home so we had to get off the phone.

After having time to think about it I got more and more upset. Not only how freaken dare you but what the hell are you asking your poor 7 year old to do. Act like he is disabled to get the GAC? What is that doing to him to make him lie and act autistic the whole vacation? What the hell is she doing? How is that going to make her typical son feel? The whole reason for leaving her son with autism with Nana is so they could have a "normal family vacation" for once for the sake of the 7 year old. What's that teaching the 7 year old? To lie? To use his brother's disability to gain what? Some small accomodation while CM's are looking at you as if you are disabled when you really are not?

Her rational is that her life is so hard everyday that they deserve the GAC even if the 8 year old isn't going. It would be different if they did not have a disabled child at all.

I have never gotten into a fight this bad with her ever. I never expected her to be this type of person. I was actually more appauled not about what this does in general abusing the system but the fact that she would make her 7 year old an accomplice and ask him to do such a thing. I mean could you imagine being 7 years old at Disney and all these adults thinking you are autistic when you are not? No less having the guilt that you are pretending to have the disability your brother has who is at home because he cannot handle it?


So anyway sorry to vent. I am just so upset by all of this. She told me that her husband is against it so that is a plus. I also said that she needs to fully explain what she is doing to her 7 year old since he would so not want to be a part of this. She said he would not understand but IMO he soooooo will. It just isn't right to do to him at all. No less abusing the system.

 

[Disney_Dani]

That's just crazy. I don't think you were out of line or overreacting. I can't judge, because I don't have a child with a disability. However, I can not stand it when people act like their children are burdens. It's not fair to the kids because they can sense that. And what is she teaching the 7 year old that he needs a separate vacation from his brother to be "normal". I think the family should all go together because they are a family and that's what you do - differences and all. And she is totally out of line for suggesting getting a GAC card for the "normal" child. That's just dishonest and taking advantage of something that's there to help people in need.

 

[SueM in MN]

The biggest thing I can see is that a GAC (Guest Assistance Card) is not about 'deserving' it.
It's about taking care of the needs of a person with a disability so that they have a 'level playing field' with other guests.
Not an advantage.
Not a 'perk' for being disabled.

This story is especially sad since it's someone who should know better than anyone else.

 

[3DisneyNUTS]

Sue it actually had me on the phone tearing up with family over this because I ABSOLUTELY HATE that walk up to guest services and having to explain my sons needs. I seriously would chop off my feet so that Chris would not have a disability much less need any accomodation. I dream of being able to go and just be "normal". I just cannot understand how she thinks like this going through the same we all do. I am just shocked. SHOCKED!

 

[BroganMc]

Sue it actually had me on the phone tearing up with family over this because I ABSOLUTELY HATE that walk up to guest services and having to explain my sons needs. I seriously would chop off my feet so that Chris would not have a disability much less need any accomodation. I dream of being able to go and just be "normal". I just cannot understand how she thinks like this going through the same we all do. I am just shocked. SHOCKED!

Not every parent of a special needs child is parent of the year. Sad but true. While I was growing up a kid with a mobility disability I knew far too many peers from divorced families. The reason given was that one of the parents just couldn't handle the child's needs. And that kid always felt responsible while trying their best to overcome their needs. It was never fair or right.

Fortunately, my parents were mature enough to realize we were all in this battle together and I was the frontline soldier.

Offhand, I'd wonder if perhaps your friend has just lost a bit of perspective. Maybe she needs a break or the family could use some counseling in how to handle special needs as a team.

 

[Forevryoung]

And what is she teaching the 7 year old that he needs a separate vacation from his brother to be "normal". I think the family should all go together because they are a family and that's what you do - differences and all.

I disagree with this part- probably because we (my family) have taken separate vacations in the past. It's not like they NEVER go on vacation together as a family, it's just that the parents are spending time with one child separate from the others. And that is a GOOD thing!

My mom took me to London just the two of us and my sister to Paris just the two of them (left my dad home both trips!), My parents and I went to Arizona just the three of us, my sister and my parents went on a cruise together one year without me... Yes, we travel(ed) together frequently all 4 of us but there is something special about having just mom/dad (or both) all to yourself for a few days (even when a disability isn't involved)!

 

[3DisneyNUTS]

I disagree with this part- probably because we (my family) have taken separate vacations in the past. It's not like they NEVER go on vacation together as a family, it's just that the parents are spending time with one child separate from the others. And that is a GOOD thing!

My mom took me to London just the two of us and my sister to Paris just the two of them (left my dad home both trips!), My parents and I went to Arizona just the three of us, my sister and my parents went on a cruise together one year without me... Yes, we travel(ed) together frequently all 4 of us but there is something special about having just mom/dad (or both) all to yourself for a few days (even when a disability isn't involved)!

I am a twin and I HATED that everything I did my sister had to do to be 'fair'. I was invited to a sleep over she wasn't (different classes in school so different friends) and she was forced to go. ANYWAY I agree that some alone time with parents is healthy different personalities should be fostered. IMO that is good.

My friends reasoning IMO is faulty and why I would never do what she is doing. But being pregnant now what if my new son hates Disney (gasp)? We could never stop going because DS loves it! So I could see doing Disney for big DS and little one can do a vacation he will be into. I also see the "typical" kid needing attention because of course the special needs kid needs more of it constantly so doing something special for the typical kid is good.

I do agree they need counceling, they do have it rough but I think if they hndled some of it differently it would be easier on them.

 

[Ms_Butterfly]

I seriously would chop off my feet so that Chris would not have a disability much less need any accomodation. I dream of being able to go and just be "normal".

*Chuckle* But then you'd still need a GAC, just for you instead of him!

It is shocking that your friend would even think about getting a GAC for her normie kid. Hopefully she will take your reaction into account and not try to pull that stunt! Also, you could bring it up again just to remind her that, like others on here said, a GAC isn't special privileges - it is to make things accessible to all.

I wonder how she has been using the GAC on her previous trips?


I agree that separate vacations/trips are fine, but I'd be soooo ticked if my family went to Disney without me!! Other places, sure, but not Disney!!!!!

 

[alizesmom]

Actually the issue can be boiled down to a simple thing. Your friend has decided that it is okay to lie and involve her 7 yr old with the lie. Lying is never correct. Karen

 

[angwill]

I got into the worst, I have to say, fight since it was so much more than an arguement today with a friend I met over 3 yers ago who has three children. one who has autism (8 boy) and two who are typically developing (7 boy 11mth girl). Anyway she is taking the 7yr to disney while the baby and her older son stay at Nana's. Her 8 yr old is 'too much to deal with' at disney he gets overloaded and to be fair to her typical kid they deserve a vacation where it isn't all about the 8 yr old. I don't have a big problem with this although I would never do this.

Here is what started the fight of all fights with us today and I just need to bounce it off you guys since she thinks I am over reacting. She mentioned to me in a hypothetical "if I would think it was horrible if she said her typical son was autistic to get the GAC that she usually gets for her 8 year old." She used their names but I don't want to here.

Well I said I found it absolutely horrible and I was completely shocked, she who knows better, would even consider it. That IMO she is a "filthy animal" to even consider doing that.(it is something I call people I dont want to curse about when we have something to deal with when the person is being horrible) Well she changed the subject and then the kids came home so we had to get off the phone.

After having time to think about it I got more and more upset. Not only how freaken dare you but what the hell are you asking your poor 7 year old to do. Act like he is disabled to get the GAC? What is that doing to him to make him lie and act autistic the whole vacation? What the hell is she doing? How is that going to make her typical son feel? The whole reason for leaving her son with autism with Nana is so they could have a "normal family vacation" for once for the sake of the 7 year old. What's that teaching the 7 year old? To lie? To use his brother's disability to gain what? Some small accomodation while CM's are looking at you as if you are disabled when you really are not?

Her rational is that her life is so hard everyday that they deserve the GAC even if the 8 year old isn't going. It would be different if they did not have a disabled child at all.

I have never gotten into a fight this bad with her ever. I never expected her to be this type of person. I was actually more appauled not about what this does in general abusing the system but the fact that she would make her 7 year old an accomplice and ask him to do such a thing. I mean could you imagine being 7 years old at Disney and all these adults thinking you are autistic when you are not? No less having the guilt that you are pretending to have the disability your brother has who is at home because he cannot handle it?


So anyway sorry to vent. I am just so upset by all of this. She told me that her husband is against it so that is a plus. I also said that she needs to fully explain what she is doing to her 7 year old since he would so not want to be a part of this. She said he would not understand but IMO he soooooo will. It just isn't right to do to him at all. No less abusing the system.

IMHO, I am not you so I would not expect you to handle it the same way I would so please don't be offended. My initial thoughts would be shock but I would not get upset with my friend. I am picturing one of my friends who would have bit my head off had I got upset and called her a filthy animal though and I guarantee she would not talk to me for a while. I think your friend is overwhelmed with dealing with her children and is looking at this whole thing from a totally different perspective no matter how wrong that perspective might be. I feel most people think wacked out things once in a while but they don't become bad things unless we actually act on them. How many times have you wanted to choke a loved one and told a friend about it but don't actually do it.

I would also suggest that she get up early and get to the park first thing in the morning and do all the rides then this way she can sit on a shady bench and people watch to relax. If she does it that way she won't need a GAC anyway. This is the way I do it with my son and I have never had a need for a GAC for him and I am not a morning person except when at Disney. I would suggest to her that if she needs this time to relax and get away from stress instead of using the GAC to spend more time around the pool or in the pool with her son at the resort. I would then simply state my opinion and then tell her if she really thinks she can live with herself doing something that is against the rules and adding extra time to someone who really needs the GAC's wait time then that's her choice but I wouldn't do that to someone.

 

[DevilDuckie]

I disagree with this part- probably because we (my family) have taken separate vacations in the past. It's not like they NEVER go on vacation together as a family, it's just that the parents are spending time with one child separate from the others. And that is a GOOD thing!

My mom took me to London just the two of us and my sister to Paris just the two of them (left my dad home both trips!), My parents and I went to Arizona just the three of us, my sister and my parents went on a cruise together one year without me... Yes, we travel(ed) together frequently all 4 of us but there is something special about having just mom/dad (or both) all to yourself for a few days (even when a disability isn't involved)!

I'm with you. The fact is that some disabilities have a serious negative impact on siblings. It is unavoidable that the "needy" kid will get the lion's share of the time and energy at home. A trip that is all about the other child will probably go a long way to eaing resentment that builds up in even the most understanding children.

Aside from all the other reasons listed it makes me sad that she's offering her kid a chance to have a "normal" Disney vacation and then yanking that back by pretending he has special needs.

 

[scojos]

i think you did well to stay calm, i dont think i could have.
my own children suffer having an ASD brother, and we make quality time for both of them, but i totally disprove of asking a child to lie.
tracy

 

[SandrainNC]

Well, the part about going separately doesn't really offend me. I have heard of others doing this. I wouldn't do it myself, but to each his own. I don't mean I would never take my children places separately (like just taking my oldest to the movie when the youngest can't go, etc.). I just mean I wouldn't take a vacation and leave one at home.

The part about the GAC is just wrong. I would have gotten upset with her too.

Sandra

 

[bzzymom]

If she doesn't want to the disbled child because of his disability, I can understand and it, but when she wants to use his disability for HER convience, it is appalling to me.

 

[ireland_nicole]

IMHO, your "friends" attitude is just sick. I had to read the post twice b/c I was totally blown away by it. We spend an entire year planning every aspect of our trip, use TGM and only utilize the GAC (usually the stroller as w/c primarily) as an unfortunately necessary adjunct. Like the pp, we dread that long walk to guest relations, and I can't begin to imagine someone who should certainly know better trying to do something so twisted. It sounds like the biggest disability in her family is not her son's, but hers.

 

[MinnieVanMom]

I was going to suggest you tell your friend about TGM or UG websites. I just joined because there is so much information on both sites. I have read that with TGM you can keeps wait to a minimum.

We will still get a GAC because we don't know when our child will have a melt down over something so simple as a bug. Or if we stand in line a woman may get a grab on her bum. There are very good reasons why we should use a GAC and most have to do with the comfort and pleasure of the guests and not (bad people skills) of our child with autism. However, part of autism is the lack of social skills and having a GAC is what is best for everyone.

When you calm down do suggest an alternative like TGM or UG to your friend.

 

[cmwade77]

At Disneyland we have pictures on our Annual Passes (this fact will be important in a minute) I have gone to renew my GAC and have had them look ne up on the computer to make sure I am the one on the pass from before, ocassionally I have been asked for I.D. I wish they would require I.D. every time you use the card or print your picture on it. This would prevent this kind of stuff from happening. I have also seen people use a GAC even if the person with the GAC chooses not to ride, this is not fair either.

 

[amesv]

I'm sure you felt as angry as I did when someone (on another board) asked for Disney trip advice. Another poster suggested renting a wheelchair and having a member of their party pretend to be physically disabled so they wouldn't have to wait in line so long. I would wait in line all day...all year (!) if it meant that my son could STAND there with me.

I don't understand her attitude...I guess because have never felt that my special needs son has made my life too hard for ME. I know we are blessed that Dathan's quality of life is great and that he is healthy despite the CP. Of course, there are things we can't do easily. The beach, for instance, is something my youngest son loves, but it's hard for Dathan to get around in the sand and he just doesn't enjoy it...so it's not something we will do often.

I have never experienced life with an autistic child but I'm sure it comes with a different set of challenges. Perhaps your friend is feeling overwhelmed and a bit guilty for focusing so much attention on her special needs child? In any case, I am a firm believer that "speaking the truth in love" can have a greater impact. I would calm myself down and call her back. Maybe apologize for the name-calling and explain your feelings? Don't get me wrong...I think she is *totally* wrong, but everyone has selfish feelings once in a while.

Amy

 

[LuvsTinker]

I don't think you over reacted.

That really sadens me that a mother of a special needs child would think it's OK to abuse a system for special needs.

We've never even asked for the GAC because my son ASD can tolerate waiting in line so I try to make his life as normal as possible and teach him patience when possible.

 

[jodifla]

You called your friend a "Filthy animal"? Then yeah, you over-reacted.

While what she's doing isn't right, have you go off the handle with her is hardly helpful.