help with SIL

[mermaidlady]

I don't know what to do. Last month my FIL died after a long illness. Since that time we have had my MIL, SIL and kids over to our house twice. After the 1st time my son couldn't find his gameboy but his room was a mess so we told him to clean it up and he would probably find it. After the second time my DH couldn't find his cell phone. My DD would often borrow it when she had play practice so we thought she had misplaced it. When our cell phone bill came in yesterday there were 4 calls to Chyenne WY on it. Niece(11) has a half-sister who lives there. So we called my SIL and asked her about it but she wouldn't talk to us. My MIL is the one stuck dealing with this. Turns out niece had both the cell phone and the gameboy. They knew she had the phone but thought it was one of her dad's old ones. Then they looked and found the gameboy. Currently my niece is in the hospital being treated for bipolar disorder for the second time this month. We also found niece has been stealing from IL's for over a year. We were not warned that she had started this and let her have full run of the house. Also SIL allowed her to bring some toys in a bag with her and did not check the bag when she left. My SIL is embarressed and refuses to talk with us. My MIL is bringing the stuff back today. I think my SIL should bring it back and should apologize to us but won't. What should we do next?

 

[piglet too]

Honestly, let it go. Then hope that she is getting some professional help. It sounds like a major cry for help, maybe just mention that to MIL.

edited to add ~ I'm sorry I missed your part saying she is being treated. Thats what I get for reading with my 2 yr old on my lap and talking to the 5 yr old at the same time.

 

[BedKnobbery2]

You probably won't like this answer, but I would suggest you drop the entire theft issue, and perhaps call your sister-in-law and offer your support while she and her family cope with the difficulties regarding your neice's illness.

Now that you are aware of the problem, in the future if they visit your home, make sure you secure things of value in a safe place so you don't feel the need to shadow her.

Best wishes to your entire family while you all deal with this issue.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I would let it go.

The stuff has been found and is being returned to you. Your SIL is going through a very rough time right now and your Niece also. Bi-Polar disorder is an emotionally exhausting disease for everyone around the patient and they could all probably use some understanding and kindness right now.

That is what families are for.

 

[mermaidlady]

We have tried many times to help but are always rebuffed because SIL is too embarressed. I would like to get MIL out of the middle and deal with SIL ourselves but SIL doesn't want to talk to us

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Let it go. She's getting help and bipolar disorder of a child is really hard for families to deal with. Tell your SIL you understand and in the future , she will have to supervise her daughter in your home.

 

[pokiemomo181]

I agree with all the above. They have their hands full right now, and can use all the support they can get. This is a time for families to show them they are there to help them get through this. I hope your niece gets the help she needs.


Pokie

 

[MOMTOMOOTOO]

I also agree. Let it go. These are troubled times for the whole family. The last thing your MIL and SIL need is to deal with this. The child was most likely acting out due to the death of her grandfather. She's in the hospital right now you said, so maybe her medication will be adjusted and maybe the stealing will stop. Like BedKnobbery2 suggests, just do not keep anything out that is tempting to an eleven year old. But honestly, I do not think you should harp on this with your SIL, sounds like she certainly has enough on her plate.

 

[mermaidlady]

I just wish they would have warned us before the things were taken. She is upset about the death but this behavior has been going on long before that. My SIL has problems but she wont let us help and is burdening my MIL with the problems my SIL should be taken care of. I am most concerned with my MIL who is getting caught in the middle where she doesn't deserve to be

 

[Sleepy]

I might think on a different curve here. If I had a child whom I knew had a problem with stealing, I would NOT let that child out of my sight or I would check his/her pockets and bags before leaving someone's house. If the kid stole something, I would make him/her apologize and I would apologize myself and explain the situation. Especially if it is family. It's all about personal responsibility. Whether the child does it on purpose or not due to a condition, there is nothing wrong with making the kid apologize. I did it with my son. It has not damaged him yet.

 

[iamsorcerermickey]

I'm going to say let it go also. Offer your SIL support. SIL might be just as confused about the situation and not sure how to approach you or know what to say to you. Your SIL might be feeling like she failed her daughter also. SIL would probably welcome an invitation of --if you ever need to talk, I'm here-- from you. She is probably feeling just as "lost" as her daughter.

The main thing is that your niece is being treated at hopefully an early enough age to help her get through this.

 

[Tea Please]

Originally posted by mermaidlady
I am most concerned with my MIL who is getting caught in the middle where she doesn't deserve to be

But aren't you the one putting her in the middle? Why did she even need to know? And why is she returning the things? Seems to me YOU are the only one that is putting her in the middle. You could have easily not had your MIL involved, maybe if you waited until SIL came home from the hospital with your niece, you could have talked to her. Sounds like she has alot going on at the moment. Family is family, just let it be.

 

[piglet too]

It sounds like there might be a few issues between you and your SIL to start with, but maybe not. Instead of calling her, write her a nice little note telling her you are there for her if she ever needs to talk. Ask your MIL to pass along the message as well. I know that when my MIL and FIl were dealing with issues with my SIL, they really wanted to keep it hush-hush, even from my husband. It is never easy for a parent to discuss their kids problems, especially if they are feeling as if they failed somehow as parents. As for "making" your MIL take back the things maybe she wants to? Or maybe your SIL is afraid of how you might react when if she did it herself? SIL may even be to embarrased by the whole thing and just plain afraid? Good luck with the whole situation. Ihope your neice continues to get the help she needs and maybe your SIL can feel at ease to discuss this with you as well.

 

[shortbun]

Now that you know the issues at hand, you can handle
things differently. Instead of burdening your SIL with
your needs, offer her some help if she needs it. Families
need to stick together in these instances. Don't make this
problem about you; it's about your neice and her mom needs
some help. Grandma seems to know this and is helping.
Sorry if my take isn't in line with your thinking, I'm glad you
got your things back.

 

[Skywalker]

I think you should cut the SIL some slack. She probably didn't warn you beforehand because she was likely embarrased, and probably still is. She has a lot on her mind right now. Why not just go get the stuff yourself, and while you're there tell her to let you know if there is anything you can do to help and don't mention the theft again.

 

[Keli]

It does sound like maybe there are already some issues between your SIL and yourself. If that is the case, it may be why she is reluctant to talk with you now. She may not have the inner resources right now to deal with her dd and also handle a touchy situation with the stealing. Whatever the situation I would just let it go right now. It sounds like the family is doing their best to get this young girl some help and you are getting your property back.

 

[Pete's Mom]

Originally posted by Sleepy
I might think on a different curve here. If I had a child whom I knew had a problem with stealing, I would NOT let that child out of my sight or I would check his/her pockets and bags before leaving someone's house. If the kid stole something, I would make him/her apologize and I would apologize myself and explain the situation. Especially if it is family. It's all about personal responsibility. Whether the child does it on purpose or not due to a condition, there is nothing wrong with making the kid apologize. I did it with my son. It has not damaged him yet.

I totally agree. If I had a child like this, I would watch them like a hawk. My BF's 7 year old son is notorious for taking whatever he wants from whomever he wants. He recently took $100.00 bill out of his dad's wallet. His dad response, "well, I guess I need to start hiding my wallet, it's just too tempting to him." What a bunch of BS!!! I cring everytime we go to a store thinking that the alarm is going to go off.

Children need to be taught right from wrong. Otherwise, are you going to ask your friends and family members to hide all of their valuables?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Originally posted by mermaidlady
My SIL is embarressed and refuses to talk with us. My MIL is bringing the stuff back today. I think my SIL should bring it back and should apologize to us but won't. What should we do next?

Yes, she should apologize however that is under normal circumstances and normal family dynamics this would probably happen.

You are dealing with people that are under tremendous family turmoil and mental illness issues as well. SIL is dealing with it the only she knows how now.

You should drop it.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

Children need to be taught right from wrong. Otherwise, are you going to ask your friends and family members to hide all of their valuables?

A child currently hospitalized for a Bi-Polar Disorder is a quite different situation. I personally would never insist that the girl need to apologize without knowing that her current mental status is healthy enough to make it safe.

 

[Cocamami]

I don't think its unreasonable for her to apologize. After all, common courtesy doesn't disappear simply because there's an illness involved. Alcoholism is considered a disease by some, and part of getting yourself well is apologizing to those you've wronged.
She is being taught that she doesn't have to own up to her negative behavior because she has a problem. I wonder if her therapist agrees with that approach?

I'm not saying the apology has to come now, what with everything going on, but at some point your SIL will see you again, and she should acknowledge and have her daughter apologize for the theft.

If the apology doesn't come, I'd let it go and keep an eye on her when she came over. I would not go as far as hiding things in my own home...that's a big inconvenience, and its not something you should subject yourself or your family to.

JMHO

BTW....what does your husband think?