Help with my 11-year old DD!

[Minnie_me]

She's such a smart, funny little thing, and a very good kid as well.

But she is so irresponsible and seemingly clueless, that it makes me want to SCREAM!!!

I have to nag her just to: brush her teeth, flush the toilet, put on deodorant, wear a bra, etc. --- basic things that ALL girls her age should be doing independently. But if I leave it up to her, she lets it all go.

We've tried a "chore chart" sort of thing. Didn't work.

I don't believe I should be rewarding her at all for doing these things; these are basic hygiene issues!

She also leaves used tissues laying around all over the house. She has terrible allergies, and blows her nose a lot, but she should be able to throw the tissues into the garbage!!!

Any advice? We're at our wits' end!!!!

 

[luv2nascar]

I remember 11 being a tough age. You may not want to hear this but 12 was not much better. My DD turned 13 in July and she is just starting to turn around. Things are great but much better. I think they get really lazy and spacey with growing/hormones etc. Cut her a little slack some of it I don't think she can really help it.

Short story from my DD she changes for gym class. She left her whole gym bag in the laundry room instead of just the dirty clothes. When I opened the bag to get the clothes underneath I found a deodarant, hair brush, styling product, & spray cologne. I took the bag to my DH and said I could cry look in the bag. I was over the moon with happiness because she was taking care of herself without me having to nag her, pack the bag, etc.
Your daughters time will come. She will mature and it will get better. I'm not sure as parents how we get through these tween and teen years.

 

[scottishduffy]

When I had some issues with not doing things like that my parents just made it an automatic consequence.

I was a latch-key kid and had trouble remembering to lock our front door when I got home. I also never turned off anything when I was done with it. Sooo, after driving herself crazy nagging Mom just decided it was time for no more reminders and to go straight to automatic punishment. She told me ahead of time about this.

Of course I forgot to lock the door next day. She walks in.... immediately and without a word turns off the TV, takes my VCR and radio, puts me in my room and leaves me there. Not a single word or argument. Just done.

For leaving lights on or smaller things I believe she just interrupted whatever I was doing (turned off TV, music, computer) until I figured out what I forgot. However many things she could get out of my room before I figured out what i forgot was hers for the next day. Once again, not a single word or reminder from her since I already has been nagged a million times prior to this. Of course sometime she would just grab my arm.... drag me into a particular room... and leave me there until I figured out what needed to be fixed. I HATED being interrupted all the time like that.

I hated it, but i started locking that front door every single time within a week. My VCR was my big thing at that age and living even a short time without it got me motivated. If I had something important to do or an important phone call i started making sure I turned off all the lights so Mom wouldn't hang up our call in the middle of a sentence.

 

[maddiemom]

She's such a smart, funny little thing, and a very good kid as well.

But she is so irresponsible and seemingly clueless, that it makes me want to SCREAM!!!

I have to nag her just to: brush her teeth, flush the toilet, put on deodorant, wear a bra, etc. --- basic things that ALL girls her age should be doing independently. But if I leave it up to her, she lets it all go.

We've tried a "chore chart" sort of thing. Didn't work.

I don't believe I should be rewarding her at all for doing these things; these are basic hygiene issues!

She also leaves used tissues laying around all over the house. She has terrible allergies, and blows her nose a lot, but she should be able to throw the tissues into the garbage!!!

Any advice? We're at our wits' end!!!!

Are you sure we don't have the same DD?? If I never told her to take a shower, she would be one smelly girl, she would go to school w/o brushing her hair or teeth if not reminded to do so. I figure when she stops thinking boys are totally disgusting, that will change her personal hygeine. I am not sure what will change the rest.

 

[KerriSue]

Sorry for laughing but Im in this stage with both my children (DS13/DD10). We went to Parent Night at my DDs school and one of the things the teacher asked the parents to do was to make sure we send our kids with deodorant I was laughing so hard at that. The teacher said she keeps a bottle of febreeze at close reach

 

[doxdogy]

When did my nephew turn into an 11 year old girl? I to don't mean to laugh but that sounds almost like him. Thankfully hygeine is not an issue with him. But I kid you not, he will leave something laying on the counter instead of throwing it in the trash. And her is the kicker, he walks PAST the trash can to leave the kitchen. It finally took throwing it in his room to get him to start throwing stuff away.

 

[Amlee]

Is this my sister in law? When did you find the Dis? How are the girls?

If this isn't my DSIL, then you share the same child!

 

[Minnie_me]

Is this my sister in law? When did you find the Dis? How are the girls?

If this isn't my DSIL, then you share the same child!

OMG, I don't think so! LOL! I PMd you!

 

[rentayenta]

Quit nagging her. Let the consequence be hers. Allow to her to own her behavior. Nagging only frustrates you and helps her tune out.

 

[Amlee]

OMG, I don't think so! LOL! I PMd you!

It was a joke. Because you described my neice to a T. She stayed with me this summer and I was ready to beat her for not doing the things you talk about with your daugther.

 

[Tink888]

Sounds like a normal 11 year old to me. DS11 is the same way.

Doesn't get any better either DS13 is the same way, except with ATTITUDE.

 

[Amlee]

Quit nagging her. Let the consequence be hers. Allow to her to own her behavior. Nagging only frustrates you and helps her tune out.

While this is harsh, I have to agree. Other kids will start pointing things out to her and she will figure things out.

 

[jmskinner]

When did my nephew turn into an 11 year old girl? I to don't mean to laugh but that sounds almost like him. Thankfully hygeine is not an issue with him. But I kid you not, he will leave something laying on the counter instead of throwing it in the trash. And her is the kicker, he walks PAST the trash can to leave the kitchen. It finally took throwing it in his room to get him to start throwing stuff away.

This is my HUSBAND! Our previous house he had to walk by the trash can to leave. Always left coke cans and bottles on the counter instead of throwing them away.

My favorite though is tv dinner platters, the ones that come with the dinner. I find them in the sink. One day I am going to wash it, and put it in the cabinet and see how long it takes him to notice. I have left as many as 10 coke cans on the counter to see if he would figure it out. Never did, I gave up and threw them away. Before I get flamed, where we lived didn't have a recycling program, we do now and they get recycled.

Oh, and my DS won't flush or lift the seat. Getting items into the garbage can be a problem also. I like the idea of interrupting him until he figures out what is wrong.

 

[1PrincessMomma1]

My 11 yo DD is the same! Drives me batty. She throws a fit about the shower and washing her face and tells me she couldn't care less if she stinks. Her friends are the same.

 

[Minnie_me]

Quote:
Originally Posted by rentayenta
Quit nagging her. Let the consequence be hers. Allow to her to own her behavior. Nagging only frustrates you and helps her tune out.
While this is harsh, I have to agree. Other kids will start pointing things out to her and she will figure things out.

OP here, and I don't think it was meant to be harsh. There was a little "good vibes" smiley next to it.

And I totally agree as well.

 

[kristilew]

OP, I was having the same issues with dd11! Here is how I solved them (so far, anyway, it's only been 2 months, but working):

First, brought home a pack of Depends. Told her next toilet I found unflushed, I would assume she was not mature enough to use adult toilet facilities. Depends would go on and she would have to wear them all the time, including to school. Further, as she would have proven herself unable to handle these issues, I would be the one deciding when to change them.

She had no doubt in her mind that I meant what I said, as I rarely make threats and have always followed through (see: Barbie out the car window when not properly shared 5 year ago). That was the end of all toilet issues.

Secondly, I typed up a basic list of standards (ie: teeth brushed before coming downstairs, dirty clothes in hamper, not on floor) and posted that on her bathroom mirror. I told her I was done talking about this stuff, forever. If she had any questions she could consult the list. If she missed an item on the list, she obviously needed to spend more time in the bathroom reading it - and therefore not doing anything she actually wanted to be doing. Kind of a big kid time out.

It took several days of saying "you are not in compliance with the standards - take half an hour to review them," for her to figure out it was just easier to obey. But by golly, those are the only words I used. I repeated them like a robot. I didn't nag or shout or anything else, and now we can laugh about it.

Oh, and when her friends call, feel free to explain, loudly, Susie can't come to the phone right now. She is learning about the importance of using deodorant. Cruel, but highly effective.

But the list remains, just in case.

Good luck!

 

[MoniqueU]

This actually describes my whole family. My dd 10 you have to tell 10 times to brush her teeth in the morning. I have given up the nightime battle. How she has a full seet of teeth is beyond me. She is getting a little better about taking a shower and she will wear a bra because it is cool.
But throw trash away? Put a half drunk glass of milk in the fridge? Put her clothes in drawers no way.
My oldest DD is great on hygeine, not so great cleaning her room and putting dirty clothes in the laundry. I could never expect her to bring to her gym bag to the laundry room of her own accord.
My DS 15 and a half we can't get to use the products we spent a fortune on from the dermatologist. His idea of deoderant is to spray axe all over the flipping place and then walk through the cloud and hope some of it sticks. His school folder which my oldest DD set up for him is atrocious and he just forgot it in the car on Friday and now cant remember what homework he has for the weekend. He says he wrote it down but we don't think he did since wear would he write it. He is supposed to go to knotts scary farm on the 25th and I tried to get him to finalize plans this weekend with his friends so they can make sure it is ok with their parents and he is too lazy to pick up his cell phone to make the calls. He forgets his cell phone or doesnt have it turned on half the time so we can never reach him. I have learned to answer any call from my area code even if I don't recognize the name because it might be him borrowing someones phone, which ticks me off to no end, I don't want him mooching off people. He loses his lunch money, he forgets stuff at school for home and at home for school and football and then thinks it is no big deal. He sat on his butt and didnt mention to us he couldnt find his football cleats til about 8 45 the night before a game so we had to rush out and get to th store by 9 30 to get him some. It is aggravating. As a matter of fact I am going to kick him off the computer as soon as I am done typing this and get him to get his folder organized.

And then there is my DH who rides me about my stuff like there is no ones business. He can't throw his clothes down to be washed, he can't take his laundry up it sits in the hall. He works a varialbe schedule that gets him home late at night and then sometimes he has to be to work early or sleep in. I get up every day at 5 45 with the kids so if the alarm clock went off and woke him up he would be fussy. So I sleep down on the couch out of courtesy to him and because I don't want to be woken up when he comes home late. Not that there is any room to sleep on my side of the bed. Apparently it is the new pantry. There are bags of cookies, chips, plates, emptry wrappers etc everywhere. Then the coffee cups up there, the glasses with half a cup of spoiled milk in them etc. It is just a frigging disgusting place, I refuse to clean up after that anymore. And he will run out of clothes from the cleaners and tell you he needs them that day about 9 am when they want them in at 8 am for same day cleaning. We have had to go out and buy shirts for no other reason then we couldn't sweet talk our way at the cleaners for the umpteenth time. Then he goes on these wild cleaning streaks where he will litterally throw anything and everything in his path away. I have drawers with my stuff saved in there out of the way and he will just toss it, pictures, christmas cards, addresses, bills you name it. I have dug my shoes out of the trash, gifts people gave me, stuff I could ebay etc. He will clean the whole kitchen sometimes then make a huge meal and leave all the crap in the sink. I dont get that one the most.

In revenge I sit out in the garage and toss my junk mail to the side of the chair and leave my coffee and wine glasses out there and my empty ciggarette containers. He smokes in our upstairs bathroom all the flipping time. I go out in the garage but the one time I stepped into the house for 30 seconds to call my daughter to the phone he freaked out. I put him in his place real fast. My other favorite is he will turn the tv off the station I am watching and onto some god awful show or movie and then walk away for 20 minutes. If you are going to watch tv, watch it if not let me watch!!!

Wow all that felt good. I am definetly not much of the worlds best housekeeper I admit that but I have some organizational skills and also have an eye condition that is super hard to explain so I need certain things put bac in the same place everytime or I will get confused and be hunting all over for something right in front of my eyes.

Between the kids and the DH I don't know what I am going to do when it gets worse.

SO bottom line OP I feel your pain on so many levels!!!!
I just try and ignore the chaos for the most part and if not annoy them til they get the point from me.

 

[rentayenta]

OP here, and I don't think it was meant to be harsh. There was a little "good vibes" smiley next to it.

And I totally agree as well.

It was not meant as harsh at all. I have just been there, done that, and once I quit nagging, it all came together. It's amazing how quickly it will change.

 

[rentayenta]

While this is harsh, I have to agree. Other kids will start pointing things out to her and she will figure things out.

Since when is a harsh?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My dd turned 12 last week. My other dd is 17. I feel your pain. Oh and we are moving......loads of fun here.

It is a phase. Just keep on them and one day they are doing on their own. Kind of like potty training.