Help with Grump Grandaddy

[bexareaglecheryl]

For the past 4 years our extended family has planned to visit WDW. Well, we've finally got reservations!

This is a big family vacation for us. My parents, My sister and her husband and their two girls (1st grade and kinder at that time), my sister and her two kids (3rd grade and kinder at that time ) and my husband and me (the certifibly crazy WDW fan) and our two kids daughter, who will be a JR in high school and son, who will be an 8th grader at that time.

On Sunday as requested as the appointed Planner, I gave the first "trip" presentation concerning costs, arrangements, etc. We have been talking and anticipating this trip for years just waiting for the littler ones to get older. Now, from stage left enter always gets his own way Grandaddy!

My dad is already complaining that 8 days is too long and that when they went the last time he and Mom were there 2 days and he was already ready to come home. My youngest sister and I have already started planning on having 'the talk' we are going to have to have with him prior to the trip concerning his attitude. Has anyone else had to do this or had any luck doing this before a trip? We're planning on telling him that it's not worth spending that much money to be miserable.

When will he stop treating us like children. My youngest sister plans on asking him that while we are on this trip to treat us an the children like he treats his close friends and their grandchildren (whom he travels with frequently and also complains about!) He doesn't want the grandkids to express any 'child-like' tendancies. In other words, no crying, no fits, no disagreements, no emotional outbursts common to youngsters. I swear, he's only 63, but's he's getting to be a typical 'grouchy old man'. My family has been scrimping and doing without all year long already for this trip in Nov. 2004 and I will be damned if he's going to rain on my parade, so to speak. I'm already starting to freak a little about his ability to quash any fun. ABout 18 years ago we gave them a family trip to New Orleans. Boy, that was a miserable trip.

On top of everything, he told all 3 of us girls that they were giving us $1000 each as a gift toward the trip. Now, I am completely grateful for this. They did not have to be this generous. But, I know that if push come to shove and he starts to complain about the trip, that 'gift' will become a bargaining chip and will look more like blackmail. Argh!

I am a WDW fanatic and our family would go every year if we could afford it but we've only got one income because I've got a horrible bladder disease. I am 42 years old and my DH and I have already decided that we are not going to let him ruin our trip. His immaturity and grouchiness rules the roost in our extended family, but not this time.

How have others dealt with a grouchy Grandma or Grandpa either before or during the trip? I would love to hear your hard earned advice.
Love to all my Mickey friends, Cheryl
Grouchy Grandaddy!

 

[NotUrsula]

For starters, don't use the "gift." If you don't want to start a fight over accepting it, take it but deposit it in a bank account--do NOT spend it! If he starts trying to use it as a bargaining chip, just give it back to him.

If he doesn't want to go, then why is he going? Perhaps he would be happier spending the time fishing or playing golf by himself. If he doesn't want to watch the children being children, then he should remove himself from where they are, for at least some of the time. Whatever you do, DON'T go into this with the expectation that the families will be joined at the hip 24/7; you will be ready to kill one another at the end of 8 days if you try that.

As to when he'll treat you like adults, the answer is probably pretty much never. You just have to learn to accept that, and don't make it easy for him to get any useful emotional leverage.

 

[tricia]

Does he have a favourite of the grandchildren, you know, one that can always make him smile? With my dad that child is my second son, 2 yr old Ty. When Dad gets cranky we send him somewhere with Ty for a while and he always comes back smiling. He loved being at WDW and seeing things through Ty's eyes, gave him a whole new perspective.

 

[keith-atl]

Heh sounds like my father inlaw, leave at home thats what we do for all family vacations now, and he prefers it that way. Some people just do not like vacations and crowds. I know its harsh but what can you do, the kids shouldnt suffer cause someone else thinks 8 days is too long, personally I think its too short =P

 

[CEDmom]

I'm in agreement about the money. I also think you should limit your together time while on vacation. From much experience nothing ruins an extended family vacation than too much time together as an extended famiy.

Plan now what things you will do together and when each family will be on their own. Since you do have some little ones in the group maybe time with Grandpa should be early in the day. The other option would be for Grandpa to only stay a few days and then have him return home or go elsewhere in Fl that would be more to his liking while the rest of you stay at WDW.

 

[vicb]

My parents wanted to take my whole extended family on an all expenses paid trip to WDW and we kindly said "NO". My parents do not enjoy WDW, it's just not their thing but they suggested it because they thought we all (me and 2 sisters) would only do a family trip there. We have done a couple of weekend trips as a large group (12 of us) and it is enough to know that a week together anywhere (let alone Disney) would do us all in.

Instead we had a nice family talk (on Mother's Day) about finding a location we could all enjoy and settled on 4 days in Las Vegas. My folks love LV and there will be plenty for the kids and other adults there too. My sisters and I are taking our own separate WDW trips and now we are happy about the situation. It pays to be honest up front!

 

[ReneeQ]

I agree, leave him at home! We have had some big family Disney vacations before and I'm currently planning one with my husband's family for May 2004. I plan the whole thing, lay it all out, costs, etc. and those that want to go, plan to go. Those that don't, don't. You can't MAKE him want to go or MAKE him happy about going, so why ruin it for everyone else? I've had to learn this the hard way.

 

[Tay N Evie's Mom]

You may have to take drastic measures and tell him if he doesn't straighten out then he's not invited. When my twins were 3 years old the 3 of us flew to Kentucky to visit my parents for 10 days. My parents aren't used to having the kids around since they live in another state. From the second day on my father did nothing but yell at my kids and make them cry (be quite, we don't talk at the dinner table, don't touch that, stay out of the landscaping, etc). The final straw was 3 days into the trip my father got mad at my son for crying at the table in a restaurant because he didn't like his food and my father got up and left in a huff (the same thing he did to us as a child-if dad got mad we didn't go and if we were already there we'd leave). He never came back in and when we went to get into the van he took my sons hand like nothing ever happened. Something inside of me exploded and I let into my father-I screamed so loud that I lost my voice within a few minutes. I've never yelled at my father before, but I let him know the crappy way he treated us as kids and he wasn't about to do it to my kids. I told him they are MY KIDS, not his and he had no business disciplining them and treating them the way he did. When we got back to their house I called Southwest Air and got return flights for the next day. My husband was livid. I didn't speak to my father for 5 months until he sent me flowers at Thanksgiving. He told me how sorry he was. That was 2 years ago and my father has never treated my kids unkindly since. He doesn't know how close he came to never seeing his grandchildren again. Even though we are adults and have our own children, we sometimes have to give our parents a wakeup call that we can't be treated like children any more. It's hard to be harsh with our own parents, but sometimes it's the only way.

 

[vicb]

Wow, you are brave! I stood up to my FIL once causing a major family fued, now I just keep quiet and let my husband stand up to him (that one scene opened DH's eyes). FIL won't risk alienating my husband so things rarely get over the line anymore.

 

[RumpleMom]

We did the trip with the inlaws. We were together for 5 days, which is all they wanted to travel, they left and we stayed another 3 days. It worked well for us.

 

[onecoolmama]

My Step-father is soooo like this. About a year and a half ago, my DH and I wanted to take my mom with us on vacation to Disney. We walked in and asked her if she would like to go over spring break with us. She was soooo excited. She has never been. So she told my step-father and he lost it. Talking loudly and forcefully at her, he told her in front of us how much he hated the heat and ammusement parks and how they had no money and he wanted to travel to Europe (which they had just gotten back from.) He went on ranting about everything that he didn't like about the vacation.

DH and I were very upset when we left. Dh just said he would not go if my Stepfather went. We decided that time to leave the kids with them and just go ourselves. So when the FTP came out..we were sooo excited to take my mom again. This time, I did it in a very backhanded way. I called my Aunt, the second youngest in the family of 13 and my mom's closest sister...and asked her to go. I caoght her at the best time ever..she had just told her husband that she needed a vacation..the timing could not have been more perfect.

I called my mom and told her that my Aunt was so excited to go and my mom was hooked. She was sooo happy. Then, the "talk" had to come with my step-father. He sneared that he wasn't invited...so I pointed out very matter of factly why he wasn't invited. I said you told us you hate amusement parks, couldn't stand the heat, and didn't have the money. I said I didn't think he would have any fun. He said he loved Flordia weather and yadda yadda..but nonetheless...he is not going.

DH was glad to hear it..but I think one day he is going to want to go..just hopefully not in the near future

 

[2MuchOhana]

You have our sympathy. I agree with not accepting the money. My in-laws always put strings on anything they give us; and hold it over our heads if we accept. You don't need the aggrevation.

I would either limit the amount of time he is there. If he wants to be there only two days then that is all he should be there. Though you will have much more fun without him.

We went this past Juy 26 through August second for our DD second birthday. My parents, sister and niece joined us and we had a great time. We invited the in-laws and even offered to pay for their trip. They said no; and our feelings were hurt.

So on one hand count your blessings; but on the other sometimes it is wiser to look out for yourself.

 

[casmanuel]

As the planner of this trip for many people, you are living proof that no good deed goes unpunished. I once planned a big family trip for the beach, and it rained the whole time we were there. I felt like the rain was my fault. I felt like I'd wasted everyone's money by picking the one week it was going to rain that month. Of course that was ridiculous, but as the planners, I think we take too much responsibilty for other peoples happiness.

Here are my suggestions for your trip:
Take no responsibility for circumstances beyond your control, including the things that some in your group (inevitably) won't like, i.e. weather, crowds, food

Impress on your dad that WDW is so much more than rides. If you have time, get the vacation planning video for adults/seniors. Disney ran the cutest commercials targeted at this demographic.

Make sure your dad understands that he can go his own way when he needs to, and that he can catch back up with the group when he's ready. Grouch can still get his own way--he's just not going to dictate everyone else's way when he does it.

If your dad has an interest or a hobby, maybe there is some way he can incorporate it into his trip. Maybe it's an easy one like golf, and some of you can go with him on a golf outing. If it's gardening, get him on the Land tour in Epcot. If he's interested in something that you can't make a WDW connection to, put it out on the boards, and I bet someone can help you with it. Your dad may be even happier if he has some company doing "his" thing.

If possible, offer your dad a short version--he can stay the first few days, or join you in the middle of the week.

My dad is, and always has been, a grouch. We never went on a family vacation that my parents didn't have a major argument the night before that ended with my mom staying up all night determinedly packing the camper. I learned early on not to worry about it, that it was part of the process, and at the crack of dawn we'd be vacation bound. When we went to WDW in 1984, I had very low expectations of Dad tolerating lines, prices, etc. He really surprised the whole family, though and we had a great time waiting 2 hours in the Jungle Cruse Line telling stories and cracking jokes. I still look back and wonder who that man was, and what he did with my "real" dad that week at WDW.

 

[Mike Jones]

" You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family" .. so said my mum 30 years ago when trying to deal with her snotty, disagreeable son.. hey that's me!

Only one thing to do... leave him at home. Its supposed to be a vacation... and those are supposed to be fun. Leave him home!!

 

[RickinNYC]

My parents and I had a run in a number of years ago simply because they had always felt compelled to tell me how to run virtually every aspect of my life. It wasn't through kindly, parental suggestions but by insults, haranguing and repeated demands. It was to the point of ridiculous.

I merely ended it by firmly stating, "I thank God you both raised me to be so independet. But unfortunately for you, you've done such a good job that I've learned I don't need you as much as I used to. And if you don't stop treating me like a child and start treating me with nothing but respect and dignity, then I will no longer be a part of your lives."

After quite a bit of yelling on their part, I picked up my bags (I was visiting) and got a cab and went back home.

Ever since then, we've gotten along incredibly well and have a great relationship!

In my opinion, parent or grand parent notwithstanding, absolutely no one has the right to treat you in such an awful, spiteful, ill tempered, childish manner.

 

[bexareaglecheryl]

Thanks so much for all the advice. Sorry to hear so many of you have had the same kinds of problems.

It's so sad that my Mom, who never wants or even admits that there is EVER a problem, has to go through all this. It will upset her so. She will get very nervous and anxious when we have to discuss this situation with them. She still sees Dad through rose-colored glasses and never admits his shortcomings and always says, "oh, it's not that bad." or "he won't do that." Yeah, right.

Dad is a great guy who does so much for us but he can be an emotional manipulator deluxe. We have had a lot of days leftover at the end of pay periods this year because we are saving so diligently for this trip next year. I do agree with a previous post-er that we need to have days divided up so that we don't have too much together time.

Now I've got to steel my loins for having a talk with him. Unfortunately I'm the oldest sister and my siblings usually leave the talking to me during family discussions. He won't do anything at first, but he will pout and hold it against us for months or even years and act as if we have betrayed him - 'after all he's done for us'.

Keep the advice coming. Thanks to all of you!!!

 

[crisi]

Divide up the party. Book a few PSs for everyone - a character breakfast and a dinner or two - and then develop a schedule that allows people to join up or not. Get everyone some means of communications (we use cell phones) to make splitting up the party easier.

Let your Dad do what he wants (maybe point out to him golf and fishing options if he is the type - or sitting in the hotel room with a book - or sleeping in). If he is the type that you can get involved at all with, ask for help in picking a restaurant. But he may be so grumpy that won't work either.

And have someone else read him the riot act. As the planner and Disney fan, you won't be seen as impartial. Have one or both of your siblings sit down with him and say "we want this to be enjoyable for all of us. We want the kids to have a good time and for mom to enjoy the opportunity to be with the whole family. Maybe everyone isn't excited about Disney, but it is the place MOST of us wanted to go and the important thing is we will all be together on vacation. Don't spoil it."