Help with 16 year old--doesn't care about anything

[MelindaKiah]

*sigh* Our 16 year old son just simply has no drive...in school, or in anything else. He's a good kid...very polite and will do anything for you, but he just seems to be coasting. It's very sad and I am at a loss of what to do. He sits in class, and literally does nothing. And, at home, he will do as little as possible...and the stuff we can get him to do, he will put it off as long as possible.
We've tried it all...ground, threatening, begging, ignoring, etc. I am truly at a loss. I feel horrible to see my oldest child literally just not caring about anything. I thought when he turned 16 he'd want his license and that would be leverage...but that isn't even enough to give him incentive to work. Then, he had wanted to work and he was informed he needed to be passing classes to be able to work....that didn't inspire him either.

I don't know if there is some kind of disorder, or something that I'm missing. I am truly about defeated with this. I'm not sure how I can "make" my child actually care about his future.

If anyone has any input, I am all ears!!

 

[marlasmom]

My grandson is the same way. If you get any insight please let me know.

 

[winniedapooh]

Have you spoken to his pediatrician about this? Is there any history of depression in the family? Any truama history? Has something recently happened in his life, eg. death, someone going to war, change in friends, etc. I would talk with his dr. first to see what they advise. Hope this helps and Good luck.

 

[pw2pp]

Melindakiah:
My heart goes out to you.... this must be so heart-wrenching for you.

When you say he has no drive, do you mean no drive to do well in school or think about his future?
or .........
Does he have no drive on a DAILY BASIS - such as getting out of bed, getting dressed, going to firends houses, going shopping for new CDs or other "fun" stuff that teens like to do.
When I think back to when I was 15 or 16, I had no drive do do well in school or think about my future, but I enjoyed my friends and having fun. Eventually, I got over this and went to college after HS, etc....
So it could be temporary.

I would be more worried if he had no drive to even do FUN things (that sounds more like Depression).

Have you asked him if he feels depressed? Will he talk to you about it? Does he have friends? Have you talked to them about it? How about his teacher, counselor?
Do you have a church? Will he talk to the Pastor or Youth leader?

 

[KarenC]

I can understand why you're concerned. My son was a lot like yours. When he was a Freshman in high school, he was diagnosed with the inattentive form of ADHD. Since we've dealt with that, the difference in him is amazing. If you think this might be the issue, I would recommend a book Driven to Distraction by Edward Hallowell.

I think the advice to consult your pediatrician is also very good.

Good luck.

 

[gr8tpanther]

My DD10 is the SAME way! I too would be interested in some insight. This week has been especially trying, not only does she care about nothing, she cares about NOBODY!

 

[3gr8kids]

Oh my - this sounds just like my 14 yo DD!! She is an awesome kid (has excellent manners, is respectful, polite, and would do anything for anybody, etc.) but she has absolutely no motivation to do well in school. We have had her tested for learning disabilities, etc. - everything checks out fine. Believe it or not, I'm to the point where I'm tired of everyone (even her teachers at the private school she attends!) telling me what a good kid she is, because now (after all the tests came back negative and we have no answers as to why she is like this) I'm thinking she is just one of the most lazy kids in the world who just chooses not to apply herself when it comes to schoolwork (she has already been retained once). It is driving me crazy - I would much rather have her fail trying than to not even try at all. You can at least work with kids who don't do well but are trying, but how do you make someone care to do well? AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!
Any insight would be appreciated (preferably before I'm bald from pulling my hair out, lol)

 

[chrissyk]

The Dr. Phil book called "Family First" talks about different types of children and what types of parenting motivates them best. I think that you are talking about what he calls a "passive" type of child. I can't remember what he recommends, but there was a very specific type of parenting needed to motivate this type of child. Maybe the book would shed some light on your dilemma?

 

[momof2inPA]

I would let him work. Maybe once he gets out there and finds out how tough it is to make a buck, he will want to do better in school. Hey, if nothing else is working, why not try?

 

[tycopj]

I would take him to someone that he can talk to. Maybe he is depressed, ADHD or something similar. Maybe he has done something wrong and it is weighing on his shoulders or maybe something was done to him and he doesn't know what to do about it. It doesn't sound ok that he has no drive, there should be something that gets him going. Good luck, hopefully he is just tired from staying up late listening to music or something else that will be easy to deal with.

 

[Tiggeroo]

I too have one like this. I am at my whits end. He is in wrestling right now where he works his butt off. Has a summer job where he does very well and is involved in a youth group. And does as little as possible with school or chores. I just got an interim and did the follow up phone calls with teachers because he is failing 3 classes. And simply because he doesn't hand things in or do make up work if he misses stuff. His teachers all tell me what a nice kid he is. Sorry, nice is not going to pay the bills. At some point he realized he was only going to get into a community college so now he's only worried about doing the least he needs to graduate.
Just on the off chance I am missing something I"m scheduling an appointment with a counselor and scheduling add testing (his father has it and so does his brother). But he gets a's on his midterms and finals but fails classes for not handing things in.

 

[chadfromdallas]

At some point he realized he was only going to get into a community college so now he's only worried about doing the least he needs to graduate.

Look at the positive outcome this could bring though:

Save money and transfer over to a university with 2 years of basics done.

This way, his high school grades don't even matter

 

[kasar]

Is this fairly new behavior? Maybe the first stop should be to the doctor for some bloodwork - maybe he's low in iron or possibly diabetic. He could even have mono or something. Is it possible that there's a drug problem?

If he's always been this way you may have to find the one thing that will motivate him. A tough one but sounds like you're a caring mom - hopefully he sees the light soon!

 

[totalia]

Yep, sounds like a 16 year old to me.

Have you seriously known many 16 year olds that really care about much more than when they can have their next bit of fun?

 

[3gr8kids]

bumping up - hoping for advice!

 

[sweet angel]

I'm right there with you. My DS13 is in the process of failing 7 out of 7 classes. Not because he can't do the work, but because he's got no interest in it and doesn't really believe that he'll fail. I should mention that I found out about this because his social studies teacher happened to call me. Came to light that a progress report had been sent home (by mail) before Christmas. Guess what? It never got to me. Seems perhaps someone got it out of the mail before I got home.

So, now he's grounded from everything until things change.

BTW, he's been to a counselor, been tested for learning problems, not depressed. Just lazy...which really is infuriating.

 

[danacara]

Have you seriously known many 16 year olds that really care about much more than when they can have their next bit of fun?

Honestly? Heck Yea.

Wish I had some advice for you guys. Is the 16 year old passionate about anything? Does he still like to go to parties or whatever? I also wonder if there might be a hint of depression involved.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would get medical testing to begin with, that is #1.

#2 he does NOT need to go to "just a community college". I have found out that some universities only require a certain score on the ACT/SAT test, with either graduation and/or GED. All hope is NOT lost!

However...if your child has no clue what they want to do with their future then begin to nurture that in some way. It is scary and overwhelming and I think very easy for depression to set in. So alot of kids "freeze up". Go to colleges, look at want ads, let him get a job, and look over the "shoulder" so to speak right now. I know people are going to say..he is in High School and should do this on his own, but if you are a teen in trouble I think it is OK to step in and do what it takes to figure out how to get them back on track.

PS...if my kid was failing, I would "sit-in" class....DD had a kid in her class have the dad shadow him, last week. DD informed that is was "cool" to have the dad but if a MOM was there, you would die of embarassment.

 

[KarenC]

Just on the off chance I am missing something I"m scheduling an appointment with a counselor and scheduling add testing (his father has it and so does his brother). But he gets a's on his midterms and finals but fails classes for not handing things in.

My son always did well on tests but lost points on handing in assignments.
Being treated for ADHD solved this problem.

 

[grlpwrd]

*sigh* Our 16 year old son just simply has no drive...in school, or in anything else. He's a good kid...very polite and will do anything for you, but he just seems to be coasting. It's very sad and I am at a loss of what to do. He sits in class, and literally does nothing. And, at home, he will do as little as possible...and the stuff we can get him to do, he will put it off as long as possible.
We've tried it all...ground, threatening, begging, ignoring, etc. I am truly at a loss. I feel horrible to see my oldest child literally just not caring about anything. I thought when he turned 16 he'd want his license and that would be leverage...but that isn't even enough to give him incentive to work. Then, he had wanted to work and he was informed he needed to be passing classes to be able to work....that didn't inspire him either.

I don't know if there is some kind of disorder, or something that I'm missing. I am truly about defeated with this. I'm not sure how I can "make" my child actually care about his future.

If anyone has any input, I am all ears!!

Is he taking any medications which could affect his moods/behavior? I know Accutane is a depressant.

Besides clinical depression or ADD/ADHD or something like that, I think it could just be he has no motivation to do anything because he doesn't feel intrinsic value doing so or he may need rewards or incentives to get some motivation. I think it's natural to think "what's in it for me? so for immediate results rewards and incentives may just do the trick. This kind of reminds me of the Mary Kay way where you get rewards for doing a job well done or for good performance/sales.

My 13yo dd is blah about some things and gives minimal effort. If I help her realize the benefit of doing what needs to be done and sometimes giving her a reward for a job well done is usually the shot in the arm she needs. Mind you, it's not always a tangible reward - it can just be a pat on the back and praise for a job well done, extra tv or computer time, or the day window shopping at a mall or going out to her favorite place.

GL!