HELP! What would you do? kinda long

[KristiKelly]

Okay, Every year, except last year, we have had a Super Bowl party. The last year we had one, a friend brought her to hellions - oops I mean kids. They are soooo... wild and uncontrollable (but doesn't seem to bother her). Within 10 minutes her oldest 8 y/o was running full force through my house, through my dining room, bumping into my china hutch, sliding down our railings. The youngest was following in his foot steps. Within 30 minutes, youngest had a bloody nose, blood on my champagne carpet, blood on each of the 17 steps as he came down stairs, blood on bedroom doors (looked like CSI crime scene). Before the night was over the oldest hit at and kicked at my Dh (where the sun don't shine) in pure anger, because DH wouldn't let him change the channel to Cartoon Network (Mom saw none of this). After everyone went home DH said "Never Again!!!" Well, we have good friends who are from Boston and we, being in NC, want to have a Super Bowl party but have made no definitely plans (the past still rather fresh). Last night I saw my friend w/ the kids and she said "Oh, the Panthers are in the Super Bowl, you are going to have a party aren't you?" I said, well we haven't decided yet. She went on to say "I promise *youngest* won't get a bloody nose and bleed all over your carpet this time" Gee, that just makes me want to have one. Now keep in mind, our 2 kids 4 & 6 will be there and some other friends will be there with their 9 mo. old. I can't say -adults only. Do I lie to her and tell her that we're not having a party & have one anyway or do I invite her, have my house trashed by two extremely disrespectful & wild kids (she won't get a sitter). She thinks this is normal and all boys are like that - even though my 6 y/o ds isn't. How would you handle this situation? I don't want to lie but I don't want them to ruin my night & my house. Advice? Opinions? Support? HELP

 

[battricia]

I'll probably get flamed but... I'd say either tell her she can come without her children, or just tell her you're not having a party and have one anyway, if she finds out just say you decided last minute, or friends just 'showed up'... sorry that you have to go through this, i'm pretty young so my friends don't have kids, and i'm dreading situations like this..

tricia.

 

[ChibiJones]

I'm of the it's my home, it's my rules persuasion.

I wouldn't lie because odds are she'll find out about the party through the grapevine. I'd be upfront with her & tell her you are having the party, but her kids are not invited unless she can keep them under control. Let her know if their behavior becomes unacceptable, she will need to leave.

I feel for you though. These situations are not easy. My aunt is a chain smoker. She was going to come with my dad on a visit, but changed her mind after I made it clear there was no smoking in my home (BTW, it was summer so the weather was nice). When I visit her, I don't say squat about smoking. It's her house, she can do what she wants, and I expect the same respect in my home.

 

[luv2nascar]

I guess in trying not to be evil and keep a friendship
I'd ask myself what would hurt her less inviting her but telling her that her kids can't come or finding out we had a party and didn't invite her
the last minute thing isn't all bad
but one lie leads to others and would she really find out from someone else that the party was planned longer
I probably preinvite certain people and say we are thinking about having a superbowl party and invite them several days ahead of time with the specifics

 

[trishy]

Do I lie to her and tell her that we're not having a party & have one anyway or do I invite her, have my house trashed by two extremely disrespectful & wild kids (she won't get a sitter).

Yes, I would. If she finds out about the party, I agree with Battricia, just say it came about at the last minute or just a couple of family members dropped by. Otherwise, it's not going to be enjoyable to you and your family - why bother? It seems you're trying to salvage this friendship so if you come right out and tell her to not bring her kids, she will became upset and it will drive a wedge between your friendship. You can try the old 'blame it on the husband' trick - my husband let's me use him this way sometimes. Helps get me out of tricky situations sometimes. Good luck. That's a tough situation.

 

[Disfan1]

I would probably come right out and tell that that her kids are not welcome in your house because of all the chaos thay caused last year. If she wants to come, she can get a babysitter. If not, that's fine, too.

 

[disykat]

First of all, she was very RUDE asking you to be invited to your home. There's not much you could do to top that. I'd let the occasion slip quietly by unless she mentions it again. If pushed say "we've decided to keep things quiet this year" or something that could be interpreted to mean you'll be alone or just not a huge gathering. You would be telling the truth.

If she finds out and asks why she wasn't invited then tell her the absolute truth - and make sure she knows it wasn't about the blood, it was about the behavior. If she is clueless enough to keep asking to be invited she may truly be clueless that her kids are disruptive.

 

[Doug123]

If you're not interested in keeping her as a friend, just don't invite her. If she asks about it again, just say you're not sure yet.

If you are interested in keeping her as a friend, tell her beforehand that you'd love to have her come but -- "in all seriousness, I can't have your kids running around the place like they did last year." Tell her it's for the safety of her kids, or something. You know, you're helping HER by making a stand. If her kids again get out of control, take her to the side and tell her -- numerous times if necessary -- that you'd appreciate it if she could calm her kids down a bit. If she still ignores you, then you can be really up front with why you're not inviting her the following year.

It's your home. Just because someone asks for something doesn't mean they should get it. Too often these people are rewarded for their rude behavior because people are afraid to stand up and potentially upset them.

 

[CEDmom]

Originally posted by disykat
First of all, she was very RUDE asking you to be invited to your home. There's not much you could do to top that. I'd let the occasion slip quietly by unless she mentions it again. If pushed say "we've decided to keep things quiet this year" or something that could be interpreted to mean you'll be alone or just not a huge gathering. You would be telling the truth.

If she finds out and asks why she wasn't invited then tell her the absolute truth - and make sure she knows it wasn't about the blood, it was about the behavior. If she is clueless enough to keep asking to be invited she may truly be clueless that her kids are disruptive.

ITA. Kids have accidents and most don't understand about not bleeding on the carpet. However, these kids are out of control and completely disrespectful.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Man that is tough. You know she won't get a babysitter. I guess you have to decide what kind of friend is she? If she is one you hold as a dear friend but stand her kids running amuck in your home then you can sit and have a heart to heart.

If you are not that close and really are not that "friendly" I might say we have decided on a small gathering after the fact.

 

[DisneyObsessed]

This is tough. I'm thinking I would do the lying thing, even though it's not nice (neither are her children). I think by inviting them with the understanding that her kids behave, could be a very stressful situation for you if you do have to pull her aside to tell her about her kids. You're the one having the party, why put more, unneeded stress on yourself. I like the comment about keeping it small this year. Or just say you're not having it this year. We have friends who have a Christmas party every year, but don't like this other family that we all know. We all just know not to say anything around this other family about the party to try to avoid a bad situation. It's too bad, but sometimes, it just happens.
___________________
Dawn

 

[Pembo]

I wouldn't invite her. It's your house, your party, you can do what you want.

 

[zurgswife]

Now keep in mind, our 2 kids 4 & 6 will be there and some other friends will be there with their 9 mo. old. I can't say -adults only.

Yes you can.....your kids don't count in the Adults only cause they live there.... and if a friend brings a 9month old....(it isn't quite a kid yet either LOL)......


Say your only doing adults and if somebody else brings a child....tell your friend that you must have messed up and forgotten to mention adults only......

 

[Kallison]

Why do you want to be friends with her? It's your house, invite who you want and don't make excuses. If she asks say you and DH didn't want a houseful of chaos with kids running wild.

 

[Mishetta]

I'm shocked at how bold some of you are. I don't think I'd have the heart to tell my friend that I'm not inviting her because of her kids. Geez....if I were the friend, I'd rather hear a lie!!

My DS has a friend like the ones you've described & his Mom has invited my DS over for sleep overs or has hinted that she could drop her DS off at our house for a "play date" but I always beg off by some little white lie. I couldn't hurt her feelings by insulting her maniac ADHD son, but I can keep our kids apart with white lies that doesn't hurt anyone.

I also have had parties where I have invited some of my friends but not others & I've used the excuse that it was an impromptu decision to have them over.

Good luck in your decision. I'm just glad I'm not in your shoes right now. Tough decision ahead!

 

[Antonia]

I would say that my husband is a huge Panthers fan and this year he doesn't want to have a party so he can really concentrate on enjoying the game. Blame it all on your husband - especially if she is mainly friends with just you.

 

[vald1977]

Definitely a tough situation. I'd probably go with the majority and say it was a last minute decision to have a couple of people over if she finds out. I can understand not wanting to hurt her feelings but at the same time, wanting to save your sanity.

 

[clh2]

I had a similar situation at Christmas with a 6 yo nephew. Granted it was only 1 boy - not 2. By the end of the evening, I felt like the witch of all time. My BIL and SIL never once did anything to settle down their child - of course they never to at his house either. I will also add - my DH was extremely upset with me (my BIL is his brother) for finally starting to say something to my SIL. I only needed to say to my nephew - lets go talk to your mom, and then finally - SIL decided they had to leave with not one more word siad by me.

It is never fun to be the bad guy. I know that this is just common sense - but parents really ought to keep an eye on their children when they are visiting someone else's home.

Ohhhhh - but all of you previous posters know that already.

I personally like the advice from Kallison - just tell her that you don't want a houseful of kids running wild. Now - she may argue that her kids have really settled down.

Don't forget - that whatever you plan should be an enjoyable event for you and your family. Otherwise - why would people entertain?

good luck - and enjoy yourself!

 

[Kimickey]

Tell her the truth. If you tell one lie it leads to another. If she is your friend, you should be able to express you feel in a nice way. She's probably going to be offended whether you lie or not, so if you tell the truth you will feel good about yourself. Your friend knows how her children are, so what you tell her should not come as shock to her, with that she should not expect for you nor others to except her children's ill manner behavior. If she were a true friend she would listen to how you feel and try and understand as well as keep her children in check. It's your house and you and your hubby are the King and Queen of it, so what you say goes and if she does not like it she can get over it very quickly.

 

[Disney Doll]

Do the people with the wild kids know the people from out of town? If not, I would just say "We are having guests that weekend form out of town, so we won't be planning a party."

If that doesn't work, then I wouldn't lie. I'd say to her that her kids were too wild and out of control last year, and you don't want a repeat performance.