Help! Should I invite the in-laws?

[Kanga1]

Need some advice from all you fine folks. After returning from our last trip this past May, we were showing the video/pictures to my BIL and MIL. They both like to travel, had been a LONG while since they'd been to WDW (there was only the MK back then) and BIL said, "Next time you go, we should go with you."

Well...we're planning a vacation again for next June...10 nights at POFQ. BIL is a 53 yr-old single man who earns a great salary and shouldn't have any qualms about paying his (and MIL's) own way. He pretty much goes along with everyone else, but at times can be moody. MIL is 76 and has a great time anywhere. She has a "little" problem with her hip and knees, but can still walk 1 or 2 miles with no problem. They are not the type that would go off to do their own thing so we would be together as a family unit for the entire trip. DH feels like he would want us all together all the time too. I'm afraid all this "togetherness" would get to me after a while and I would want to be with just DH and DD And the fact that I, the planner, would be totally responsible for everyone's happiness freaks me out as well. On the other hand, DD would be thrilled to have her uncle and grandmommy along and I'm sure there would be times of pure joy.

We usually spend about 4-5 weekends with them a year...NEVER have we spent more than 4 days with them...and then it wasn't 24/7.

I'm afraid the "stress" of this family trip might ruin our vacation. Are there any of you who invited family thinking it was a great idea when it turned out that it was a big mistake? Did it ruin or make your trip?

My DH has the exact feelings that I do and we're 100% together on any decision we make. What should we do?

 

[Minnie824]

Well, its good you all get along well, so thats a plus. You said you're going for 10 nights. Is it possible that they come for the 1st week, just fly back separate, and I assume they'd have their own room as well. That way, you'd have a few days at the end of your vacation for just your own family time. I would think they'd understand if you just say that to them, and explain you'd like a few days alone time too, but you really want them with for most of the vacation?

 

[MELSMICE]

It really depends on how well you actually get along with them. We vacation with my family & there is never a problem. We get adjoining rooms with my brother's family & when we are at OKW we usually get a 2BR. My parents have stayed with us & my brother's family, along with my sisters at certain times.

That being said, every family is different. My suggestions:

--separate rooms - adjoining if you get along really well, not adjoining if you are leary about a lot of time together/alone time. Across the hall is just as good as adjoining.

--Maybe they could come for part of the vacation.

--One day say you would like to just shop with your DD.

--You say IL's would probably want to do everything with you, but possibly not after your MIL realizes how much walking there is in the parks.

--Make sure you have down time at the pool. As well as we get along with my family there are times when we get up & it's a "pool day" & I'll head to the pool early all by myself with a book.

The nice thing about our family is that everyone can tell when someone has had enough & they just need some time alone or with only there family. It's like a silent understanding amongst ourselves.

Vacationing with IL's can be both good & bad. (Of course, I wouldn't vacation with my IL's - but my DH vacations with his!! Oh wait, I have vacationed with my BIL's family!!)

 

[hopesmommy]

Based on my family's ONE vacation together (luckily I was not able to go b/c of work), it did not work out so well. My BIL can only handle my DF in limited amounts though. They drove together there and back and spent all of the vacation together.

However, my FIL and MIL are spending a couple of days with us at WDW in Sept. We are looking forward to it.

Maybe ask your DH to take them for a half of a day or more. Or ask them to only come for part of the trip. Another idea, make one meal a day just your DH and DD. But I do believe you would have fun if they go.

Hope it all works out.

 

[Disneyrsh]

We vacation in Disney often with friends and family, or even occasionally both! Here are some good tips I've learned:

Most Important! Overlap your vacation so you have some alone time with just your immediate family. Either have your parents arrive after you do or leave before, or both. My parents will usually stay in Disney a day or two after we leave, to do Disney 'their way'.

You have to tell your parents that it has nothing to do with them, it's nothing personal, but it gives everyone a chance not to be 'on' for the family and to just kick back, relax, and only do what you want. Otherwise you're going to come back from your vacation feeling slightly resentful of them. Or, after 10 days, really resentful!

We've rented a house for 2 weeks with my parents for Disney and there were days where we only met up for dinner, and that was great, and there were days where we were together all day, and that was great too, you just need to vary it. Some days my folks would watch our kids for a few hours and that was a dream!

We've vacationed a bunch of time with my parents so we know how much togetherness we can take, and how much we can do. If everyone's honest about it then the vacation goes better.

If your mom can only do "1-2 miles of walking" she's going to need a scooter. The average walking distance in Disney is 10-15 MILES a day. If she won't do a scooter, have the two of them meet you in the park at a pre-determined time for a pre-determined event.

Like, have your family go in in the morning for the extra magic hours, then have your folks meet you around 11 and then do lunch an hour later with them in the park after doing a few rides you know they'll enjoy.

Definitely build in more 'alone time' than you think you'll need. If you think they'll get offended by this, couch it in the terms that you are working out an itinerary that builds in lots of 'flex time' so everyone can see what they want to see.

Have your folks do things in Disney that you don't, like golfing if your dad's into it, or a boat trip that you don't take. Let them experience Disney a bit on their own.

For the love of God, don't share a room for 10 days; you'll kill each other!

 

[Disneyrsh]

oops, sorry, thinking in terms of my parents.

What I meant to say was your BIL and your MIL.

Your BIL will probably end up watching your mom a lot more than he thinks he will since you have the kids, is he up for that?

Moms, especially at that age, can be as high maintenance in Disney as a kid is. And as susceptible to heat and exhaustion. My grandmother would poop out a lot faster than she thought she would...

Talk to him candidly and see if he's up for caretaking duty...

 

[Bellefan66]

We are going spring break next year,with my Mom and Sister and her family.Fortunatly for my DH,he and my family get along AWESOME! Their personalities really click. On the other hand,his Mom and I do not.I wouldn't even TRY to do it with her. It's too much money to throw away for our vacation to be miserable.IF you are sure you could be together for that long a period,go for it. We are really looking forward to our next trip.

 

[crisi]

Sounds to me like you need to be honest and compromise. For them, is part of a trip with you better than no trip with you? That part can either be a few days out of your ten, or be the full ten but with lots of "alone time."

I love my parents, and my MIL is a great person, and they are pretty young and active for grandparents. I'm so glad we've been to Disney with grandparents, its really delightful. But any of them would have driven me over the edge insane had I had to share the entire vacation with them. In fact, our first Disney cruise was booked as a defensive measure for the MIL trip (which went much better than I expected, but I'd booked the cruise as my contigency plan - if I was miserable at WDW at least I'd have the cruise to look forward to).

 

[McDisney]

We did it this past January with my mom, and father- didn't build any "alone" time into the vacation. That was a mistake, definately set it up before you get there as it gets awkward if you have to do it half way through the trip. The seperate arrival sounds like a great idea.
Just my .02 worth as was said before all families are different, but I think you lear alot about people after vacationing with them.

 

[twojo21]

we have gone with my parents & my dads family on a small family trip of 20, we had such a great time. we all stayed at 2 resorts & had seperate rooms & planned some group events, golfing, a few dinners, an adults only pleasure island night, meetups/days at the themeparks & my aunt also threw her sons bday party at the boardwalk for the kids at the arcade. i think family togetherness can be great but give yourselves some alone time & make sure you have your own rooms for privacy. plan different activities for each family members favorite thing to do too on the days your together & maybe ask grandma & bil to take dd for a day so you & hubby can enjoy the romantic side of disney. but you know your family best & whether or not to invite them, either way hope you have fun!

 

[Anastasia]

DH feels like he would want us all together all the time too. I'm afraid all this "togetherness" would get to me after a while and I would want to be with just DH and DD And the fact that I, the planner, would be totally responsible for everyone's happiness freaks me out as well. On the other hand, DD would be thrilled to have her uncle and grandmommy along and I'm sure there would be times of pure joy.

I am the planner in our family, and I can tell you that being responsible for the plans of everyone would make me CRAZY!!! I think 10 days is entirely too long for all of you to be together. I can handle being responsible for the happiness of my children, but to be responsible for the happiness of adults would stress me out big time.

I also think that our family has our own way of making compromises and decisions while we travel, and to have to factor two adults into that would be very stressful. DH wanted to take MIL to WDW with us. I talked him into doing the cruise with her, because she will be able to do things on her own and get around the ship on her own, and we won't be responsible for her happiness 24/7. We'll see how that works out - the cruise is in November.

I think your best bet is to have them join you for part of the trip, but to not spend every minute together. Best of luck with whatever you decide!

 

[homedad]

We vacation every year with my wifes entire family for one week at a cottage on a lake and there is lot's of toghterness but we manage fine. I really like my 2 BIL's so that helps imensely. We also visit my parents for a week at a time and the is tryinging at times also but good for the most part. That being said I am planning a trip with my parents, 86 year old saintly grandmother, hippy brother and girlfriend, and our family(myself, DW and DS4 and dd2. I have laid down some ground rules and think for the most part we will be fine. Especially because of a "neutral" location. I like the idea that your in-laws come from part of the trip. Be honest about concerns and it should be ok. Good luck.

 

[isla bonita]

It will be memories for your children. It will be just this once and if it does not work you never have to do it again.

 

[momimouse27]

We are going through the same type of thing in a couple of months. Started out small but then added Brother and SIL and now adding MIL and BIL(dh's brother)with BIL's 4 yr old. I am freaking out a little. We are the only ones who have ever been-its everyone else's first time. There is no way that I can plan for all...I want everyone to have a good time, but also want that "alone time" you are all talking of.

We are planning a night out just me and dh midweek(first time ever!) so that might help a little...

 

[Kanga1]

Thanks everybody for the great responses! DH and I are still are still pondering over every worse and best case scenario and trying to decide what to do...because once we "jump in" and ask, there's no turning back!

We ARE NOT, WOULD NOT, EVER stay in the same room with them!!!! That is a definite NO from me! First of all, I need my space in a hotel room and second, my MIL snores louder than any human possibly can...don't even think adjoining rooms is a possibility!

I don't THINK they would be there for the whole 10 days...don't think BIL could get off work that long.

Our biggest concern is that they will NOT spend any time away from us...they will NOT go and do anything on their own. Their philosophy is (and I can't understand it) is that they will be coming on this vacation to BE WITH US...what's the point of coming down to vacation with us if they're NOT WITH US? Anyway, that's the way they think and DH is kinda like that too. Drives me crazy...and it drives him crazy. For instance...we all went to a water park this past weekend. DH, DD, and I were all in the water...BIL and MIL never even GOT in the water...just sat in the chairs. DH was going crazy because we weren't together (even though they were just 20 feet away!) and was worried because he thought they weren't having a good time, getting too hot, etc. I can't take that at Disney! This makes me really sad because I know we'd all have a blast (they're really fun people most times) if they would just go do stuff on their own and not be so concentrated all being "together."

I'll let you know how it all pans out. In the meantime, any more advice?

 

[Disneyrsh]

Ok, about the freaking out over the planning part. I'm the industrial itinerary maker in my family, and when we planned an early december trip that included my mom & dad and our friends and their kid, everyone wanted me to make their itinerary too.

So I did, and everyone started complaining about it and wanting to change it, etc. So then what I did was make up our itinerary, which showed when the overlaps would be -like the night we all did Fantasmic and ate at Mama Melrose's beforehand-and gave them a copy of our itinerary.

Then I said, this is what we're going to be doing, come along or do your own thing as you wish, it's all good to us. They knew where we'd be eating and when (I made ressies for all of us), and what shows began when, etc.

It worked out really well, the friends ended up following our itinerary pretty closely, despite the initial grumbling. My folks followed the itinerary without the extra magic hours parts, so everyone was happy.

I think if you go, hey, here's our schedule, then people tend to fall into line along it. Even the ones that hate itineraries have ended up meeting us in the park, crumpled itinerary in hand, because they haven't been able to figure out how to do anything on their own the first couple of days!

 

[lillygator]

Personally I wouldn't be able to spend that much time with the Outlawz, they are older and seem to be from the negative generation but since you all get along great maybe you should invite them for part of the time. I think you may find that you probably would like a little time alone with just "your" family KWIM?

 

[Kanga1]

Even the ones that hate itineraries have ended up meeting us in the park, crumpled itinerary in hand, because they haven't been able to figure out how to do anything on their own the first couple of days!

How true!!! I know my in-laws have NO idea about WDW these days. Their one and only visit was in 1970-something when it was just MK and you had to buy tickets to get on the rides! They don't even KNOW about park hopping...which we do EVERY day of our trip! Could be quite enlightening for them! They may be BEGGING to have some down time on their own!

 

[MELSMICE]

If you invite them I honestly think your best bet is to tell them "This is what we have planned. You are welcome to join us whenever you want or you can do your own thing. Either way is fine with us."

I think your DH needs to also understand that just because your not "side by side" for the entire trip doesn't mean they are not having a good time. In fact, too much togetherness can ruin the trip. They are adults, if they want to sit in a chair while you are swimming, or if they want to wait on a bench while you are doing an attraction then so be it. That's their choice - your DH shouldn't feel guilty at all about this.

Good luck with your decision.

 

[llp479]

We travel with family all the time. In fact, our March 06 trip will be our first trip "alone" to WDW.

My DM is totally into the parks, and my DD isn't. In fact, gasp, he doesn't get the Disney Magic. Mom on the other had, is way into it. However, Dad does love to people watch and has a great time doing just that. He did surprise me by riding RnR and TOT at MGM. Is your MIL a people watcher? If so, she may enjoy sitting somewhere while you're in line.

We've traveled with my DS, BIL, and 3 kids, my BIL & SIL, and will be taking my SIL to CA with us in Oct. If you set the expectations ahead of time, and realise that no individual is ever responsible for another persons happiness, you can go and have a great time.