Help Please! - problems with DD and ex-husband!

[Worried]

I honestly never thought I would do this – I gave myself a new name to ask this question

I divorced ex-husband 8 years ago and our daughter lives with me.
I have tried very hard to try to protect her – I never speak badly of him (which is VERY difficult sometimes!) but I have never wanted to get in between them or hurt their relationship in anyway.

Well - she is very “people smart” and is quickly learning what kind of a person he really is. She is very, very, very angry with him right now and wrote him a letter basically saying she does not want to see him anymore.

I know she does love him and is feeling very hurt right now. He makes promises and does not follow through, he never calls her, does not visit her – even though I offer all the time. We do live 4 hours apart and I have offered to drive her all the way there or meet halfway. He did see her this summer but it had been MONTHS before that – with no contact.
I always e-mail him with updates in her life – about school, sports, etc and he NEVER responds.

It is just so painful watching dd get hurt over and over again.
I asked dd if she wanted to call her dad and tell him how she feels –but she said she could not without crying. I have offered to mail the letter if she wants to – but she is still hesitant. She is afraid of “hurting his feelings.” Even after he treats her like this – I know she still loves him and wants his attention.

I have remarried and my dh is wonderful - he said he would adopt my dd if she wants to do that. Even my attorney suggested this as a good option.
I just worry about dd – she would be the one who would be hurt – I really do not know what my ex would say or do – he is very unpredictable and vindictive (2 of the MANY reasons I left him).
I just do not want him to be able to keep on hurting her…but I made the choice to be with him and now my daughter has to bear the consequences. It is just really awful.

I am sorry this is so long – it is just such a difficult situation. I can not even begin to describe it better – this does not even cover a lot of the problems with ex – but here is a good start.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

 

[snoopy]

How sad. What is even sadder is your ex is going to realize one day what he gave up.

I don't know what I would do in your shoes, but I am so glad your DD has a father figure in your new husband. A lot of kids don't have that...she is blessed, and it sounds like your new husband is as well. I think I would concentrate on developing that relationship and perhaps look into adoption, but only if and when your DD feels comfortable with that idea. You may or may not be looking at a fight from your ex -- after all, if he gives up rights to her, he wouldn't have to pay child support, and for some men, thats all it would take.

Good luck. I'm sorry for your dd and you, but I'm happy you have found someone to treat you both in the way that you deserve to be treated.

 

[foolishmortal]

what does your DD think of having your DH adopting her? While it is a good idea and all I think she is old enough to have some say in this. If she is for it then I say go for it. If she can see the way the ex is now wait until even further in life, maybe having a "dad" even adopted is better than what she has now.

 

[DVCLiz]

My first instinct was to say "Well, I'd be thrilled if exDH lived four hours away!!!!"But I have this same problem with my DDs, who see their dad twice a week and every other weekend. It's extremely difficult to explain to a child that you can't always afford an extra-curricular event, only to hear, "I thought Dad was supposed to pay for half of it." How to explain that yes, Dad is supposed to pay for half of it, but his lawyer has informed him that that clause of our agreement is "unenforceable" so he's decided not to.

As your DD gets older, she will in fact see him for what he is and, yes, it will hurt her. That's when you say, "He is who he is, and there are some good qualities you can appreciate." Then find those qualities if you can!!!! But the most importaa thing is to remind her constanly that she is loved and safe with you and your DH, and that many people make mistakes and need some understanding. She can resperct him as her birth father and gradually come to understand that she will have to re-direct the love she would ordinarily give him in another direction as she finds he is not worth the effort.

 

[Pete's Mom]

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

A lot of this depends on the age of your daughter.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have tried very hard to try to protect her

I always e-mail him with updates in her life – about school, sports, etc and he NEVER responds.


I asked dd if she wanted to call her dad and tell him how she feels –but she said she could not without crying.

I have offered to mail the letter if she wants to – but she is still hesitant.


What would you do if you were in my shoes?

I am not divorced but dh's parents are and have learned a HARD LESSON...
DO NOT FORCE THE RELATIONSHIP!!!!
It is better for your dd to "see" how her dad is NOW so she can move on.

So quit talking about him, emailing him and all the other stuff. I know you are trying to do good by your dd for her dad but it will backfire in the end.
ETA.....
It won't matter if she sends the letter or not because he is not going to care.
You could have her write it, burn it and then cut your ex out (meaning you don't try anymore)...let HIM do the contacting from now on.

 

[Worried]

DD is 12

Thank you for your kind replies - they really do help. I just get so frustrated because no matter what I do, he will still be able to hurt her.

I do feel very lucky that I have found a man who is a wonderful person and who loves us both very much.

My dd has asked me where would she live if something happened to me. She said she does not want to go live with her father - she would prefer to live with my dh - and he said he would gladly have her!

 

[Worried]

I am not divorced but dh's parents are and have learned a HARD LESSON...
DO NOT FORCE THE RELATIONSHIP!!!!
It is better for your dd to "see" how her dad is NOW so she can move on.

So quit talking about him, emailing him and all the other stuff. I know you are trying to do good by your dd for her dad but it will backfire in the end.
ETA.....
It won't matter if she sends the letter or not because he is not going to care.
You could have her write it, burn it and then cut her off...let HIM do the contacting from now on.

Very good point, Mystery Machine...I do agree. I know that in my head - but not quite in my heart yet!
It is a hard thing to do - I know it will hurt her. Every parent wants to protect their children - but no matter what you do - there is always something that can still hurt them.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yes but let her get HURT NOW and MOVE ON!!!! My DH was stuck in this horrible pain for a long time into his 20's. If he would have "moved on" his life would have been better, so much better.

Also a sticking point....girls are "in need" of their daddies at this age. My 14yodd clings to her dad right now. I think developing a good solid relationship with your dh will be better than a schmuck who doesn't give a flip.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wow...

Yes, exactly how old is your DD????

This really is a sticky situation. I am surprised that you mentioned having your DD adopted by your DH. While this is a wonderful and noble thought, as long as your DD's father is in the picture AT ALL, this could be a real two edged sword!!!!

Number one, your DD would have to come to terms with feelings that she 'gave up on' her father, or 'hurt' her father, or was 'unfaithful' to her father in some way. Pretty deep stuff.

Number two, unless you strongly feel that your Ex would simply go along with severing his parental rights (which somehow, I doubt that he would?????) Just by mentioning this, you could be opening up a HUGE can of worms, and opening up the door for your DH to feel angry and threatened... This would most likely, either directly or indirectly, mean that your DD ends up being hurt even further. (What would your Ex end up saying or doing.....)

For now, here are my thoughts.... Children in these situations almost ALWAYS feel part of the blame for the problems.... They love their parents, and are hurt by their parents, but they have NO ability to understand the adult reasons and concepts involved. The first thing that you should do, NOW, is to begin to assure your DD that she has positively NO blame.... It is not her fault that her father has hurt her and has not been there for her. She has done NOTHING wrong. She could not improve the situation by loving him more, or by her being more perfect and lovable!!!!! Even if she has not verbalized these kinds of thoughts... they may be there!!!! Read that letter that she wrote to her father VERY carefully... Read between the lines...

Yes, it is good that your DD has written that letter. It is always good to Get Things OUT!!!! It is always good to vent and to express your feelings!!! However, about actually mailing that letter..... I would proceed with caution. Talk with your daughter about just what affect she hopes that this letter will have. Talk with her about the fact that, realistically, this probably is not how things would happen.

Think back to when you were married to your Ex, and you were the one being hurt... You probably attempted to express the exact same things... How did your Ex react then. My guess is, either he just did not care, or worse, he became angry. Either way, your DD is setting herself up for further emotional hurt.

If your Ex truly is the way you describe him, then I would have NO problem simply ceasing to promote any contact with him. If he wants to see his DD, and if he is interested in your 'updates', then let HIM be the one who initiates the contact. If this goes months and years between, then, really, that is GOOD!!! From your post, it sounds like you really are initiating/promoting their relationship. I do not think that I would force this on the two of them. The bottom line is, either there is mutual, positive, contact, or your DD is being hurt by the situation. IMHO, as awful as it seems, your DD might be better off learning right away that her father is simply not an important, ongoing, part of her life. To me, this might be preferable to going on thru the next years going thru this emotional turmoil and pain, trying to gain the love of her father.

And, most of all,
HUGS to you and your DD!!!!!

edited to add, after reading the above post that also just came in... ITA!!!! Let me repeat from my last paragraph above.

_________________________________________________________
I would have NO problem simply ceasing to promote any contact with him. If he wants to see his DD, and if he is interested in your 'updates', then let HIM be the one who initiates the contact. If this goes months and years between, then, really, that is GOOD!!! From your post, it sounds like you really are initiating/promoting their relationship. I do not think that I would force this on the two of them. The bottom line is, either there is mutual, positive, contact, or your DD is being hurt by the situation. IMHO, as awful as it seems, your DD might be better off learning right away that her father is simply not an important, ongoing, part of her life. To me, this might be preferable to going on thru the next years going thru this emotional turmoil and pain, trying to gain the love of her father !!!!!!!
_________________________________________________________

 

[Worried]

DD is 12

I agree Wishing on a Star - dh and I have certainly been telling her (for a long time) that this is not her fault and her feelings are certainly validated!

"Number one, your DD would have to come to terms with feelings that she 'gave up on' her father, or 'hurt' her father, or was 'unfaithful' to her father in some way. Pretty deep stuff. "


I agree - this is why I have not approached it with ex or with dd. She has asked me about it..but I have not actively done anything about it.
We did talk about the letter and I did ask what she expects - she really had no answer..she said she doubts it would do any good.

Ex always became angry and tried to turn the problem into my fault when I talked with him about anything. That was over 8 years ago - but he is probably the same.

I do think it is my responsiblity, however, to keep him informed - even though I doubt anything will come of it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

It is NOT your responsibility to 'keep him informed'!!!!!!!!

It has to be a two-way street.

He is abdicating HIS responsibility as your DD's father. There is NOTHING you can do to change that... NOTHING you can do....

edited to add: Just as there was nothing you could do to change the relationship in your marriage to him.... Do not keep feeling that you have the obligation to try to make things better, as you probably did in your marriage.

I cannot stress enough that I feel that you should not continue to try to promote or 'force' their relationship at all. This would mean that it is YOU hurting your DD??????

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Please take wishing advice. Do not keep him informed. That is his job to make contact with her NOT YOURS!!! She is 12, not 2. Reality has hit her. Help her through her reality of her dad. Don't keep up an illusion.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I just wanted to take a minute here, and to offer you more HUGS and apologies!!! I know that there are some strong feelings and statements being made here.... And, I am really very sorry for what you and your DD are going thru!!!! I do not mean to be hurtful or judgmental at all!!! I really don't. I am just one who really kind of lays everything out there! It is my nature to speak openly and bluntly....

I know that this is a difficult situation for you and your DD!!! And, I have offered my thoughts as the way to do what I think might be best to spare your DD further hurt. Please take no personal offense!!!

 

[jellymanoffspring]

oh..i just wanted to send some hugs

Mystery and wishing both have great points and I have to agree with them....

I was fourtunate to not have this in my immediate family...but I have been dealing with a SIL that really has no interst in us and makes life difficult...I tried many different things but I think accepting reality ..though difficult ..is the best path! I should have done that in my situation at least 10 years ago....

Definately pursue your DH adopting your DD if that is what they both want!!

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, this is quite a dilemma.

I have a friend who has a child that she had at the age of 17. That child is now 26 years old. When my friend found out she was pregnant, her parents and the boy's parents decided that they should get married. Hindsight has proven that to be a big mistake. They divorced quickly...within a year or so. She had custody of the child, he was supposed to be paying child support. That didn't happen. There was a definite lack of interest on his part, both froma financial and emotional aspect. This was fine with my friend, because she had met another great guy & married him & he truly accepted her daughter as his own, much liek your own DH does now.

At about the same age as your DD is, she started having the same feelings as your DD does. She contacted her father (I forget whether by phone or letter) & shared her feelings. He blamed her mother for turning their DD against him, forgetting about the 11 years during which he basically ignored her. My friend took the tactic of explaining that some people are only able to "give" so much of themselves, and that her father was one of them. She told her that she had to respect her father as she would any other adult, but she shouldn't have the expectation that her father would ever act like a real father. In other words, she made her DD realize her father's humanity, faults and foibles, to accept them without blaming herself for his shortcomings.

Her DD grew up with the love of her "Daddy"(my friend's 2nd husband), who truly epitomized that saying "Any man cann be a father but it takes someone special to be a daddy". Your ex is a father, your DH is a daddy.

Let your DD learn to accept her bio father as a faulted human, let her learn that she will not be able to put a lot of "stock" in what he says or promises. Don't force their relationship...if he's interested in her well-being, he'll call & if he's not, he won't. Then she'll have her answer, and so will you.

 

[kadaten]

First,

My first thought was that I wouldn't pursue the adoption angle, just because it might make things worse. He might fight it, then you'd have a struggle on your hands. And your poor DD, while she might decide she wants to be adopted by your DH, could, as others pointed out, feel pangs of guilt over abandoning her dad. As you pointed out, she does love him, but has come to see him for who he is....but she does love him in spite of his faults.

HOWEVER....I then read one of your responses...that your DD asks what would happen to her if something happened to you....that she would rather live with your DH than her dad. THIS may be THE reason to pursue the adoption. I haven't been through the courts, but I would think custody of her would be given to her dad rather than your DH if something were to happen to you. I might consult a family lawyer to be sure....if this is truly a worry for her, you should find a way to ensure that custody would go to your DH rather than her dad....if that can be done in a will, then so be it. But if severing your ex's parental rights and letting DH adopt her is the only way...then that would tell me to pursue the adoption.

to you and your DD!

 

[wdwpluto]

Your post made me very sad, mainly because I went through something similar as a child.

My parents got divorced when I was 4. My father was an abusive alcoholic. (Still is an alcoholic).

My mother never spoke a bad word about him (and I'm sure that was probably one of the most difficult things she's ever had to do).

I saw him every other weekend up until I was in seventh grade. Right about the time I started to realize that daddy drank. A lot. And he was mean when he drank.

Long story short, there was an incident that happened one weekend when I was staying with him and his new wife that made me very uncomfortable. I called my mother to come pick me up right away (she did).

I didn't see him for several years after that (MY choice). He went in and out of rehab and I guess I believe that he made an effort. He still drinks to this day. Even after having a heart attack at 53, he went right back to drinking... Sorry, I'm kind of going on a tangent.

I'm 29 now and we talk sporadically. He was invited to my wedding (which was non-alcoholic largely because of him). We see each other maybe 4 times a year. To this day, I still don't like him. He's my father and in a way, I love him, but I don't like him.

I don't know that he realizes how bad he screwed up, we've never discussed it. I guess it's a moot point now.

However, the most important thing was knowing that my mother was there for me and supported my decision not to see him when I didn't want to. And to support my decision when I chose to speak with him again. She supported me, no matter what and she made that known. She let me know that it was okay for me to love him and to want to see him, even if she didn't.

Now, as an adult, I'm grateful for her because she let me find out the truth about him on my own. She let me form my own opinion. And that's important to me.

Ugh, sorry this is long, rambling, and goes on and off topic, but I just wanted to share it from the point of view of someone who's been there, done that and come out of it a stronger person.

Unfortunately I can't tell you that it's been easy on me, because it hasn't. So my advice, I guess, would be to just be there for your daughter and let her know that you support her regardless of the choice(s) she makes.

 

[SandraM]

Poor girl. It's easy for you to say things like her dad can't be all bad if he's been able to produce someone like your DD, much harder to live with his behaviour.

Personally, I'd be careful about making too many excuses for him. Your daughter may in the future excuse more poor behaviour than she should. However, you can let her know that nobody is perfect, and some of us have more demons to fight than others.

The love you show for your DD will go a long way in supporting her as she realises that she is among many of us who do not have perfect parents. She certainly is not alone in that.

 

[corona]

Hey, I'm a long time lurker who found this board by way of the cruise line board, but i've never felt to need to register and post untill now.

Just reading your first post, my gosh, I had to double check to make sure you weren't my mom writing about me, because it's basically verbatim to what I went through with my father a few years ago.

I'm 20 now, and I stopped contact with my father when I was 14 years old. My parents divorced when I was a baby, and I lived with my mom growing up. My father had weekly visitation, but when he'd pick me up he'd drop me off at my grandparents house and he'd go out golfing or whatever and I never saw him. As I got older, and I realized the real reason he kept his visitation was just to spite my mom.

It was kind of ironic that my mom never bad mouthed him to me, or discouraged me from keeping contact with him, ever, but when I went over there all he did was bash her.

As I got older, I wanted less and less to do with him. He was very manipulative about things, like I'll never forget the one time I had a friends birthday party to go to on one of his weekends and when I said that I wanted to go he told me what a horrible daughter I was, and how badly I was treating him for wanting to miss a weekend with him. I was 9.

It seemed the older I got, the more controlling yet less interested he became. Finally I got so sick of the constant manipulation, and the guilt trips and the verbal abuse that I wrote him a letter outlining everything that I felt. I was hesistant about mailing it, but I ended up doing it. Dropping the letter in the mail box was like the hugest weight being lifted off my shoulders. My only regret was not doing it sooner.

After he got the letter, he changed for literally 2 weeks. Then it was right back to his same old stuff, so I just cut off communication. I won't lie, it was very very hard to do, but my quality of life improved so drastically after I took him out of my life, I just wish I had the courage to do it sooner.

My mom played a huge part in helping me with this. She listened, always diplomatically, and encouraged me to do what I felt was right, and she'd stand by me no matter what. Although I wish sometimes I had a dad who loved me, I know I have all that and more in my mom.

Good Luck to you & your DD!