Help, please. Calling child services when abuse is suspected *long*

[Ember]

I have a very stupid friend. I love her, but she is tragically insecure and now in a very dangerous situation. Here's (part) of the story:

Mary (not her real name) got pregnant when she was quite young after having a one night stand. John (not his real name, either), wanted nothing to do with either Mary or the child once he found out. Mary was left alone do cope with everything. Just before the actual birth John wanders back into the picture and says his family has been pressuring him and that he wants to be part of the child's life.

Mary is over the moon and she and John start to "date" after the birth. After a while, she moves in with him. Over the next four years things get interesting. John is an alcoholic and there are a few incidents where, while caring for his son, gets drunk enough to pass out. There are also at least three cases where he kicks Mary and his son out of the house, not caring where they go or what they do. A few days later there is a reconciliation and Mary goes back to him.

Mary is desperate to get married. She finally forces the issue successfully, after several canceled weddings, and they get married a few months ago.

Last week he beat her. She contacted the police and a shelter but, of course, has forgiven him and gone back. She says it will be the only time. He promises that if it happens again he'll turn himself into the police.

I am thinking of stepping in for the sake of their son. I am going to quite possiblely lose my friendship and this scares me. I think I'm one of the only people Mary really talks to and we're not even the closest of friends. I don't want to leave her without a place to turn. But I can't stand the thought of their son being abused.

What I thought I'd do was call the school where he's enrolled and speak to the principal. Tell him/her what I know and put them on alert for possible signs of abuse. They see the child everyday so should be able to watch for bruising or other injury as well as odd behaviors. Because I only suspect abuse and don't know for sure, this seems like a good course of action. It has the benefit of having any action taken being the schools "fault" and not mine leaving Mary with a friend.

What I'm wondering is am I doing the right thing?? Should I be calling child services myself regardless of the friendship or that I don't know for certain that the child is being physically abused? Am I sticking my nose in way further than I should?? I'm really torn...

 

[marshallandcartersmo]

Such a hard position to be in OP. I can't tell you what to do, I know what I would do though.

One thing to think about, there are more ways to abuse a child than physical abuse. Mental abuse can be just as damaging.

 

[crazyme5kids]

I think in all or most states you can report someone and your identity will not be revealed.

 

[MariDisney]

I would call CPS yourself. I've had to do it a number of times for various reasons (mostly related to being a teacher, but once for something in my personal life). It is very easy to do and they will maintain your privacy even if you have to give them your name. Don't be surprised, though, if nothing happens. In my experience things have to be beyond horrible for something to be done. If nothing is done, at least the poor little guy will be on their radar.

 

[kirbsam]

listen to your heart and head. both are telling you to do something. dont let it be too late.

 

[auntie]

You didn't mention in your post that he has abused the boy. I mean in a physical sense. Of course this enviorment is unhealthy for him on so many levels. I am in NO WAY justifying father's behavior..just wondering if there is information you have left out. I mean if you contact social services(and I don't think you should call the boys school)...you would have to provide a reason why you think the child is being abused? Is it just that he has abused the mother, or is there more to it? Do you have reason to think the father has beaten the child as well as the mother?
Does your friend have any family that you can speak with and together try to offer her a place to live or to go. Maybe she feels trapped..and it sounds as if this abusive relationship is all she knows.

 

[Where'sPiglet?]

Ember, aren't you a teacher?

If so, you are a mandated reporter of any suspected child abuse (I think in most states both in and out of the school setting), and you should be able to do it anonymously.

 

[Linzybrooke]

The way I see it, you have an obligation to this child to protect it. Call CPS yourself, you can even do a report via the internet if you prefer. Your friend "shouldn't" need to know, or be told, that you were the one that tipped them off to the situation.

If it were me, I would rather report it and be wrong, than not report it or pass it off to someone else to do, and be right...

 

[Ember]

Ember, aren't you a teacher?

If so, you are a mandated reporter of any suspected child abuse (I think in most states both in and out of the school setting), and you should be able to do it anonymously.

Yes, I am a teacher. Which is why I was going to talk to the school the child is enrolled in. I know I am legally bound if it's my student that I suspect, I'm not sure about children in general though...

To the other poster, no I don't know for sure the child is being abused. I know the situation is abusive and that there is a real possibility that abuse is taking place. But I have no proof.

 

[laurie31]

Any man that would hit a woman would also hit a child, especially if under the influence. Even if he hasn't physically abused the child yet, he doesn't need to grow up watching his mother get beaten. That's how he learns it's okay to beat a woman.

Please call.

 

[Where'sPiglet?]

Yes, I am a teacher. Which is why I was going to talk to the school the child is enrolled in. I know I am legally bound if it's my student that I suspect, I'm not sure about children in general though...

To the other poster, no I don't know for sure the child is being abused. I know the situation is abusive and that there is a real possibility that abuse is taking place. But I have no proof.

It sounds like it's eating you alive. I'd make the call and tell them what you know. It is their job to follow up; and your friend shouldn't find out the call came from you. For all she knows it could have been the shelter people or police when she reported her abuse.

You really are in a tough situation. You want the best for your friend and her child, but until she realizes she is in a tough situation and wants change, there's a limit on how much help you can give.

 

[lisah0711]

to you, Ember. The kids of the world are lucky to have someone like you who cares! Between your kids at school and your friend's kid, you have a tough time of it.

 

[McKelly]

He passes out drunk and leaves his child unattended, that is neglect. He kicks the mother and child out of the house with no place to go, that is abuse, he should leave. He has the child witness violence, that is abuse.

It sounds like social services is already involved in the case if she has been to a shelter and there has been a police report filed. So, reporting it to CPS might be duplicitous, because I am sure they already have a copy of the report. If there are children involved, copies of the police report should be forwarded to them.

If you already work for the school district and know this child's teacher and/or guidance counselor, absolutely call them!! I never will understand why as a society we always have to wait until something REALLY BAD happens before we can step in and help someone, be it a child or anybody in need. Why is it that we even have to question our motives for doing something good and caring? Drives me crazy!!

 

[Ember]

to you, Ember. The kids of the world are lucky to have someone like you who cares! Between your kids at school and your friend's kid, you have a tough time of it.

Oh dear, I must sound like I'm constantly worrying! There just seem to be a lot of situations in my life right now. I really am more up beat than I sound!

 

[sbpebbles]

I have been in this situation and have many times called child services on a good friend of mine...finally after making 3 calls my friend gave her son up voluntarily to respite and as soon as he came home the same things continued in his home(watching his mom and whatever boyfriend she has then fighting and sometimes him getting hit in the middle of it all)..I didn't care how many times I had to call to report it, I didn't care if they didn't like it..I was feeling the same way you must be and it ate me up to the point I couldn't sleep cuz I was always worried what was happening to the little boy..Finally they did take away her son, his school actually called child services cuz he got hurt during a fight with his mom(he was 7) and she left a mark...and they had all that evidence from the time that not only I but also others had called with concerns..I didn't admit I was the one to call on her at first and finally for the sake of her son I did tell her I HAD called because I was concerned..I still get emotional thinking about what happened to that boy during those years..and honestly his mom is getting him back again soon, and she just got charged with her THIRD disorderly conduct for hitting her daughter's father, so once again I worry for both of them..

You need to do what your heart tells you to do...Even if you're wrong, it's always better to be safer than sorry..stay strong!

 

[emer95]

I'm a teacher. I have called twice in the last 4 years for two of my students. It wasn't scary or difficult and I'm so glad I did it. In one situation the case was unfounded, but in the other situation, there was indeed neglect going on.

It is so much better to make the call and be wrong, than to not make the call and wish you had.

I sincerely wish you the best, and I hope everything works out for your friend and her little boy.

 

[SereneOne]

I feel you should call you are a mandated reporter. However, I can tell you that if she does not leave her abuser they will take the child from her. But being as messed up as the system is, if she divorces him, he will get visitation rights and if she refuses visitation even to keep from being abused, SHE could lose custody! Yes, it is that messed up!

 

[Carly_Roach]

I've intentionally not read the replies so they don't sway my initial impression.

I have a very stupid friend.

I am thinking of stepping in for the sake of their son. I am going to quite possiblely lose my friendship and this scares me. I think I'm one of the only people Mary really talks to and we're not even the closest of friends. I don't want to leave her without a place to turn. But I can't stand the thought of their son being abused.

Because I only suspect abuse and don't know for sure, this seems like a good course of action. It has the benefit of having any action taken being the schools "fault" and not mine leaving Mary with a friend.

What I'm wondering is am I doing the right thing?? Should I be calling child services myself regardless of the friendship or that I don't know for certain that the child is being physically abused? Am I sticking my nose in way further than I should?? I'm really torn...

Yes. You are sticking your nose in where it doesn't belong. Questioning your behavior and doing a poll amongst other people is a classic example of the old adage: If you have to ask then obviously what you're considering doing is wrong.

I've read only the first post where (logically) all the facts are up front. You've admitted you aren't the closest of friends. You've admitted that you haven't seen any bruises, behavior changes or other indications that the child is abused. You don't have enough information other than your own opinion that the mother is stupid and the father drinks and you disapprove of both.

It seems you want to accuse your friend of neglecting or not protecting her child based on your own nebulous assumption. But you still want to be her friend if she proves that she is innocent so you don't want her to know you were the one who brought the poop storm down on her. I have to wonder how you'd feel if someone else did that to you and whether you'd want to continue the friendship if/when you found out about that friend's deceit.

Unless and until you have facts, I recommend leaving well enough alone and simply keeping a watchful eye on the situation. If and when you have concrete facts, then you can act. The proper response is to call the police and accept the fallout from your decision. The police will make the determination as to whether CPS gets involved.

If you still want to take the, "I only want to protect the child" path, then pull up your big-girl panties, make the call and accept the fallout. After all, if you protect a child but lose a friend, shouldn't that be worth it?

 

[PatsGirl]

It appears that the family is already on both the police and CPS radar. I'd certainly let your friend know that you are aware of the situation and that your door is open to her and her child any time day or night without questions or judgement. Knowing she has somewhere to go when "it" hits the fan could be life-saving.

 

[WhatATreat]

The fact that you say you are the only one she talks to even though you aren't the closest of friends speaks volumes to me. She may be letting you in for a reason - she may be hoping you do something and take the decision out of her hands.