Help my sister motivate her 12 y.o. son!

[Pea-n-Me]

Former middle school teacher here. I'm also the mom of a ds14 and could have written some of these posts 2 years ago. I have yet to see a 12 year old boy "apply himself". Not like girls will, anyway. Most will try to do the minimum required in terms of homework. That's OK. Colleges aren't going to be looking at their middle school grades. Neither will employers. Boys generally mature later than girls, and the difference is especially pronounced at this age. It generally takes a couple of years for the effects of puberty to shake themselves out. By the time he's 14, he should be mostly back on track.

I think the parents should back off. Let the teachers be the heavy. It doesn't sound like he's doing anything "at home" that would warrant punishment anyway. Let the low grades be the natural consequence. Of course, if he's failing, that's a different story. School is a long haul. He may have 10 more years or more of this. If they make school a battle, they're setting their whole relationship up for failure.

Thank you for this insight. I just read this and the rest of the thread to my DH. Glad to know our DS12 is not unusual. Fortunately the middle school uses an agenda and he has a twin sister who rats him out. It's frustrating when you know they're capable of doing better. But it's good to hear that things should improve. We'll stay on him but remember that some of it's the age.

Thanks to all who posted and good luck!

 

[Sleepy]

I can't understand why positive reinforcement, even money, is always so looked down upon. Especially if punishment has been tried and has failed.

As adults, do any of us go to our job for free? No, we have paychecks, we have the prospects of bonuses and promotions (well, not in this economy, but generally).

Make school his job. Give him a "paycheck" for doing his homework, passing the class. It doesn't have to be actual money, but it can be tv credits, gaming credits, movies with friends credits, etc.

Let him earn a "bonus" at the end of the "pay period." Let him earn something he really wants.

If he fails, no pay.

But just taking things away from him tends to unmotivate kids rather than motivate them as they just get more dejected and say "why bother" just as we would and do (just read some of the threads here) if our boss kept taking and taking from us.

This often fails (and did in our case) because the kid views the homework/studying as too much work for the amount of reward they will get. Far easier to just deal with a close to failing grade and being yelled at/getting no reward. Yes, some kids won't be phased with offers of money and other extra incentives.

Why do you think many kids don't get out and mow the grass or shovel snow in the neighborhoods? They feel the reward, even if $100 for an hours work, is not worth the effort.

Some kids just don't want to do the schoolwork no matter what you do. I just don't have the money to go out and purchase a Lambourghini, which is what he would feel is reward enough for his effort.

 

[shortbun]

She thinks he should do his homework 'because he has to' and not need any extra incentive.

She needs to try something else, her outlook is pretty naive. If this is his job and she wants him to learn skills for growing up, I say pay him. Make it an hourly wage and supervised. She's got all his stuff. Has she has his eyes checked, his hearing checked, has he seen a social worker to check his emotional health? Does your sister realize that if she takes all his stuff, he has nothing to lose?

 

[golfgal]

She needs to try something else, her outlook is pretty naive. If this is his job and she wants him to learn skills for growing up, I say pay him. Make it an hourly wage and supervised. She's got all his stuff. Has she has his eyes checked, his hearing checked, has he seen a social worker to check his emotional health? Does your sister realize that if she takes all his stuff, he has nothing to lose?

Why is this naive? A kid SHOULD do their homework just because they are kids and are in school.

 

[marcyinPA]

This often fails (and did in our case) because the kid views the homework/studying as too much work for the amount of reward they will get. Far easier to just deal with a close to failing grade and being yelled at/getting no reward. Yes, some kids won't be phased with offers of money and other extra incentives.

Why do you think many kids don't get out and mow the grass or shovel snow in the neighborhoods? They feel the reward, even if $100 for an hours work, is not worth the effort.

Some kids just don't want to do the schoolwork no matter what you do. I just don't have the money to go out and purchase a Lambourghini, which is what he would feel is reward enough for his effort.

Money didn't work for my DS either. We haven't quite figured out what will work yet...we're "working" on it! I think, though, that what might be getting through to him is the REALITY that he will have to repeat 9th grade if he doesn't get his crap together. I think the embarrassment of that might be sinking in. Sometimes it takes natural consequences to shape a kid up. It's hard for us as parents to let them make those mistakes, but in my DS's case, I think it might be the only way he's going to learn.