Help me work this out, plz--UPDATE pg 4

[minkydog]

This is a sensitive topic so if you're easily offended or traumatized this might not be for you...






It has come to my attention that my brother is harboring a child molester at his home. Two of my sisters called me to tell me about it and the 3 of us are really up in arms about it. This sicko is dating my brother's daughter, DNiece--he is 45, she is 26. They recently lost their jobs and have no place to go(too damn bad), and my idiot brother told them they could move in with him. Brother's ex-wife tipped off his current wife and she is beside herself. She has told Brother that this child molester has to GO, but Brother tells her they can stay because it is his daughter and his house(the house belongs to both of them.) Brother is a bad alcoholic, verbally and emotionally abusive. When he's sober he is generous and wonderful. but when he's had a beer he turns into the nastiest, hatefullest person you could meet. Thankfully, none of us lives in his state and we rarely have to have up close & personal dealings with him.

My sisters and I have googled the web and found some very incriminating records. He was convicted of certain crimes against children *involving his own little girls, under 12* and has been in and out of jail. When I google the offenders name, it comes up with my brother & SILs address. My sisters & I have sent SIL all the links and she has gone to the police to get further assistance. So far, nothing has happend and the sicko remains in her home.Brother says he "understands what it's like" being a man, having someone "falsely charge you" with child molestation. Brother INSISTS that this guy is innocent, despite all the evidence to the contrary. DSil is afraid in her own home and my brother is basically throwing down the gauntlet--he has invited her to leave if she doesn't like the situation. What a big fat bully!

Now, I know what I would do if I were her. There is NO WAY I would spend one more day in that house. But my dilemma is what to do, if anything, about my idiot brother. All three of us girls(the sisters) were molested as children by a close family member, so it is really triggering some nasty emotions for us all. One sister is so angry she's about to cut him off dead. The other wants to stage an intervention. I am the least confrontational of us all, so my inclination is to do nothing and continue not seeking him out. I know that an intervention will not work--he likes to drink and his likes his bar. He says he will not stop drinking until he is court ordered. Thankfully, he does not drive after drinking. I dont' like to just cut people out of my life, particularly if they aren't doing something directly to me. There are no children in their home, at least.

I am just sick about this. I'm crushed for his wife, who feels utterly unloved and disrespected. I'm sick that his daughter doesn't have any more sense than a beetle. I'm nauseated at the thought that MY BROTHER would choose a convicted sexual offender over his wife and his family. And just the thought that anybody anywhere could just google the address and find this guy at my brother's house! what is he THINKING!

 

[happily single]

I'm sorry that you are going though this.

Are there any children in the home?
Is the guy on any type of probation or required to register as an offender? I know here in the northeast failing to notify your probation officer of a change of address is a big no-no, punishable by returning to jail. Also, is he currently wanted by the police? Or has he "done his time" and is free?

If there are no kids involved I don't see how or why the police would get involved.

In my honest opinion I don't think anything you or your sisters do to your brother is going to make him change his mind about the living arrangement. I think the best you can do is make your feelings clear to him (and his daughter) and then be done with it.

 

[ilovemk76]

Thankfully there are not kids in the home. Are they near a school? Was he convicted as a sex offender?

There is nothing that you and your sisters can do. You DSIL could leave but may not be able to do much else.

If he is a sex offender, is there a school or the like near their house? You might be able to get him from that angle.

 

[TaraPA]

minkydog, I feel sick for you. You've given me some advice on The DIS over the years, I wish I had some for you now.

It doesn't sound like he's currently breaking any laws, if SIL has gone to the police & they can't do anything. Me, being the snarky person that I am, would have involved the police with ANY illegal move on his part, but apparently, he's out free & clear.

It also sounds like DB is not going to change his mind on this one, I think you need to let him go. Either emotionally or physically, cut him off to whatever point you are comfortable with. All you can do is hope that one day, he will change his tune & see his destructive ways & make some changes.

Let his wife know you will support her in whatever decision she makes, she must be living in turmoil right now.

Is there any way you can appeal to your niece? Does she have enough sense to see that this guy will just drag her down with him eventually? I'd try that route, go straight to her. Even if it's just an email, and she most likely will defend him ("but I loooove him!!!"), someday, somewhere, she'll see that her aunt was just looking out for her & had her best interest at heart.

Ugh this just sucks all around!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

This is a sensitive topic so if you're easily offended or traumatized this might not be for you...






It has come to my attention that my brother is harboring a child molester at his home. Two of my sisters called me to tell me about it and the 3 of us are really up in arms about it. This sicko is dating my brother's daughter, DNiece--he is 45, she is 26. They recently lost their jobs and have no place to go(too damn bad), and my idiot brother told them they could move in with him. Brother's ex-wife tipped off his current wife and she is beside herself. She has told Brother that this child molester has to GO, but Brother tells her they can stay because it is his daughter and his house(the house belongs to both of them.) Brother is a bad alcoholic, verbally and emotionally abusive. When he's sober he is generous and wonderful. but when he's had a beer he turns into the nastiest, hatefullest person you could meet. Thankfully, none of us lives in his state and we rarely have to have up close & personal dealings with him.

My sisters and I have googled the web and found some very incriminating records. He was convicted of certain crimes against children *involving his own little girls, under 12* and has been in and out of jail. When I google the offenders name, it comes up with my brother & SILs address. My sisters & I have sent SIL all the links and she has gone to the police to get further assistance. So far, nothing has happend and the sicko remains in her home.Brother says he "understands what it's like" being a man, having someone "falsely charge you" with child molestation. Brother INSISTS that this guy is innocent, despite all the evidence to the contrary. DSil is afraid in her own home and my brother is basically throwing down the gauntlet--he has invited her to leave if she doesn't like the situation. What a big fat bully!

Now, I know what I would do if I were her. There is NO WAY I would spend one more day in that house. But my dilemma is what to do, if anything, about my idiot brother. All three of us girls(the sisters) were molested as children by a close family member, so it is really triggering some nasty emotions for us all. One sister is so angry she's about to cut him off dead. The other wants to stage an intervention. I am the least confrontational of us all, so my inclination is to do nothing and continue not seeking him out. I know that an intervention will not work--he likes to drink and his likes his bar. He says he will not stop drinking until he is court ordered. Thankfully, he does not drive after drinking. I dont' like to just cut people out of my life, particularly if they aren't doing something directly to me. There are no children in their home, at least.

I am just sick about this. I'm crushed for his wife, who feels utterly unloved and disrespected. I'm sick that his daughter doesn't have any more sense than a beetle. I'm nauseated at the thought that MY BROTHER would choose a convicted sexual offender over his wife and his family. And just the thought that anybody anywhere could just google the address and find this guy at my brother's house! what is he THINKING!

Encourage your SIL to move the hell out and be done with your brother.

As far as your brother, speak your piece and then be done with it.

As far as your sister's you can complain to each other about your brother.

Not much you can do really except to distance yourself as a means of "punishment" to your brother. However sounds like he would not even care or ignore it.

 

[Magic Mom]

This is a sensitive topic so if you're easily offended or traumatized this might not be for you...






It has come to my attention that my brother is harboring a child molester at his home. Two of my sisters called me to tell me about it and the 3 of us are really up in arms about it. This sicko is dating my brother's daughter, DNiece--he is 45, she is 26. They recently lost their jobs and have no place to go(too damn bad), and my idiot brother told them they could move in with him. Brother's ex-wife tipped off his current wife and she is beside herself. She has told Brother that this child molester has to GO, but Brother tells her they can stay because it is his daughter and his house(the house belongs to both of them.) Brother is a bad alcoholic, verbally and emotionally abusive. When he's sober he is generous and wonderful. but when he's had a beer he turns into the nastiest, hatefullest person you could meet. Thankfully, none of us lives in his state and we rarely have to have up close & personal dealings with him.

My sisters and I have googled the web and found some very incriminating records. He was convicted of certain crimes against children *involving his own little girls, under 12* and has been in and out of jail. When I google the offenders name, it comes up with my brother & SILs address. My sisters & I have sent SIL all the links and she has gone to the police to get further assistance. So far, nothing has happend and the sicko remains in her home.Brother says he "understands what it's like" being a man, having someone "falsely charge you" with child molestation. Brother INSISTS that this guy is innocent, despite all the evidence to the contrary. DSil is afraid in her own home and my brother is basically throwing down the gauntlet--he has invited her to leave if she doesn't like the situation. What a big fat bully!

Now, I know what I would do if I were her. There is NO WAY I would spend one more day in that house. But my dilemma is what to do, if anything, about my idiot brother. All three of us girls(the sisters) were molested as children by a close family member, so it is really triggering some nasty emotions for us all. One sister is so angry she's about to cut him off dead. The other wants to stage an intervention. I am the least confrontational of us all, so my inclination is to do nothing and continue not seeking him out. I know that an intervention will not work--he likes to drink and his likes his bar. He says he will not stop drinking until he is court ordered. Thankfully, he does not drive after drinking. I dont' like to just cut people out of my life, particularly if they aren't doing something directly to me. There are no children in their home, at least.

I am just sick about this. I'm crushed for his wife, who feels utterly unloved and disrespected. I'm sick that his daughter doesn't have any more sense than a beetle. I'm nauseated at the thought that MY BROTHER would choose a convicted sexual offender over his wife and his family. And just the thought that anybody anywhere could just google the address and find this guy at my brother's house! what is he THINKING!

It's time to cut him out of your life completely. I don't make that suggestion lightly. He is an addict and an abuser, and now he is supportinga pedophile over his own wife. He has no respect for himself or his wife. He is poison.

If you want to help his wife call her and tell her she should divorce him. Other that that there is nothing you can do about his choices.

 

[Ceila]

It's time to cut him out of your life completely. I don't make that suggestion lightly. He is an addict and an abuser, and now he is supportinga pedophile over his own wife. He has no respect for himself or his wife. He is poison.

If you want to help his wife call her and tell her she should divorce him. Other that that there is nothing you can do about his choices.

I agree with all of this. I would also add, if you are comfortable doing so, to let your SIL know that you will be there for her emotionally if she does leave him, since it sounds like that's how you feel.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

Can't the wife get a restraining order against the perv?

 

[minkydog]

minkydog, I feel sick for you. You've given me some advice on The DIS over the years, I wish I had some for you now.

It doesn't sound like he's currently breaking any laws, if SIL has gone to the police & they can't do anything. Me, being the snarky person that I am, would have involved the police with ANY illegal move on his part, but apparently, he's out free & clear.

It also sounds like DB is not going to change his mind on this one, I think you need to let him go. Either emotionally or physically, cut him off to whatever point you are comfortable with. All you can do is hope that one day, he will change his tune & see his destructive ways & make some changes.

Let his wife know you will support her in whatever decision she makes, she must be living in turmoil right now.

Is there any way you can appeal to your niece? Does she have enough sense to see that this guy will just drag her down with him eventually? I'd try that route, go straight to her. Even if it's just an email, and she most likely will defend him ("but I loooove him!!!"), someday, somewhere, she'll see that her aunt was just looking out for her & had her best interest at heart.

Ugh this just sucks all around!

As far as we all know he is not breaking any laws. He was convicted of 2 counts of indecent liberties with a minor--felonies in NC. He is on probation and apparently has checked in with his probation officer because his address was recently changed to Bro & SIl's address. They do not live near a school, but they are in a large subdivision filled with children. And the offender has no job, no car and nothing but time on his hands. Brother & SIL are both out of the house during the day.

Unfortunatly, my niece is a compulsive liar and a user. She has schizoaffective disorder, which is unmedicated, and extremely poor judgement. Like her father, she's a rescuer. Niece has stolen money, lied about everything including her name. She tried to implicate my son and another nephew once in soemthing indecent. And she lied directly to my face at my father's funeral. Needless to say, I DID cut her off. I have no use for her at all. She has even burnt her bridges with my mom, who has defended her over and over again. He own mother and brother want nothing to do with her because she simply can't be trusted.

I think you all are right. We can't make my brother see the light. He has made up his mind about this dude and with Brother it's his way only. Nothing else can be entertained. His poor wife--they've been married almost 3 years--is from another country. She is Catholic and does not want a divorce. She knew Brother was an alcoholic and a bully when she married him, but like a lot of women I think she believed he would change. Or at least, she thought it wasn't going to be so bad. Brother has gotten worse over the last 3 years, to the point that the rest of us don't want to visit him or be around him. Especially when he is drinking, which he does 7 days a week. Soon as he gets home, he starts drinking. On Sat & Sun he starts around 9am, after his 2nd cup of coffee.

We girls have not told my mother. She would be distraught if she knew. We will not tell her unless for some reason she decides to go up there for a visit(not too likely as brother lives about 1000 miles from her. But she does drive long distance, so it's possible.) I don't like having differences with my siblings, but this is just such a divide...more like an abyss. We can bridge our differences on subjects like politics, religion, and race but I cannot abide someone who would defend a man convicted of molesting his own daughters.

I have made sure that SIL knows she can come here if she wants to. I don't know if she will. She might. She has come here before. And she has a passport and a credit card, so if she decides to she could go back to her mother. But she doesn't want to leave the U.S. She has a good job here as a translator. She wants her marriage to work. I don't know how that's possible. She won't go to Al-Anon(believe me, I've tried to get her to go). She doesn't have a lot of friends here in the U.S.--Brother kinda controls all that. In every way she is a victim of domestic abuse.

 

[Jennasis]

All you can do is offer your SIL a safe haven/place to stay if she bails (and hopefully she will). Cut your brother off completely. He and his DD are toxic.

 

[minkydog]

It's time to cut him out of your life completely. I don't make that suggestion lightly. He is an addict and an abuser, and now he is supportinga pedophile over his own wife. He has no respect for himself or his wife. He is poison.

I think you're right. He IS an addict and and abuser. I have no respect for him. That he would put his own wife in jeopardy by housing a sex offender is just astonishing to me. I would never have thought he would do something like that. Oh, and brother has been interviewing for a job in my area. Personally, I think as soon as his potential employer looks him up on the web they're going to be scared off by this scumbag--after all, teh employer doesn't know it's not brother. And frankly, I don't look forward to having brother live ANYWHERE near me due to his belligerance and abuse. I cannot STAND teh drinking. And it's constant.

My brother used to be such a great guy. Very funny, generous, ready to help anyone. And he's still that way with his friends or people he wants to impress. But with his family, he doesn't caare what we think.

Im so sad. This almost feels like a death in the family. If Brother doesn't come to his senses very shortly I think this will be the end of his relationship with all his sisters.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

If he is a convicted pedophile that has to register, I suggest putting up poster all over the neighborhood and surrounding area, with his photo if possible, stating he now lives in the neighborhood (unsupervised with no job and nothing to do all day) so people should be keeping an extra close eye on their children.

 

[minkydog]

If he is a convicted pedophile that has to register, I suggest putting up poster all over the neighborhood and surrounding area, with his photo if possible, stating he now lives in the neighborhood (unsupervised with no job and nothing to do all day) so people should be keeping an extra close eye on their children.

That's a great idea. I don't know if my SIL would have the nerve. My brother would probalby knock her into next week, not to mention what my niece would do to her. My niece has threatened her before and she can be a very scary character. SIL doesn't want her in the house either, but Brother overruled her. Like I said, SIL is totally ruled by my brother and it's not going to get better until she leaves him. Which I genuinely hope she will do. But I think things will have to get much worse before she gets some gumption. Personally, i wouldn't have tolerated my brother's abuse this long. (and she was with him 6 years before they married--so, a total of 9 years together! Sheesh.)

 

[Hannathy]

I really don't see how it is any of your business who your brother has live in his house. It is his house, his choice. Period.

Now what is your business is if you choose to associate with your brother. If you don't like what he is doing don't go there, don't have him over.

Just go on with your life and don't have anything to do with the situation.

I guess I don't get what else you have to do with it.

If your Mother asks why you aren't having anything to do with your brother simply tell her you don't like who he has living with him and as long as that person is there you don't want to be around him. Tell her to ask her son.

But seriously your brother is allowed to live his life as he wants and you are allowed to live your life as you want and neither one of you needs the others permission. You are both adults.

Just don't get involved at all.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

I'd do it myself, then tell brother I did it. Niece would have her own problems coming after me. I realize you aren't really close enough, but that's what I would do, but I'm kind of a *****. I like that about myself.

 

[minkydog]

I really don't see how it is any of your business who your brother has live in his house. It is his house, his choice. Period.

Now what is your business is if you choose to associate with your brother. If you don't like what he is doing don't go there, don't have him over.

Just go on with your life and don't have anything to do with the situation.

I guess I don't get what else you have to do with it.

If your Mother asks why you aren't having anything to do with your brother simply tell her you don't like who he has living with him and as long as that person is there you don't want to be around him. Tell her to ask her son.

But seriously your brother is allowed to live his life as he wants and you are allowed to live your life as you want and neither one of you needs the others permission. You are both adults.

Just don't get involved at all.

Well, that's true. I'm not looking to change him--he likes his life and his questionable choices. I guess I''m trying to sort out what my response to him will be. On the one hand I want to have a good relationship with my brother. But I think that ship has sailed. On the other hand, I don't want to be upset and triggered by his choices. I think I will have to avoid talking with him. He doesn't live near me (yet) so it will be easy to avoid being in his presense

 

[StephMK]

I'm so sorry, that must be heartbreaking for all of you. I agree that you can't force someone to change. The best you can do is try to convince your sis in law to leave him. I would not want to be anywhere near that house or those people. I would imagine she could get a good job as a translator in several places. She will feel so much better to be away from that environment before they drag her down any further.

 

[minkydog]

I'd do it myself, then tell brother I did it. Niece would have her own problems coming after me. I realize you aren't really close enough, but that's what I would do, but I'm kind of a *****. I like that about myself.

Believe me, if I lived near him I'd totally do it. I have considered writing a letter to his neighbors, but I'm afraid Brother would blame SIL and she'd take the brunt of his anger

 

[leebee]

Oh Minkydog, I'm so sorry to hear that this is happening in your family! My family is also being shattered by a very different but equally devastating situation; it hurts so much to go through this kind of thing!

I had the same idea about canvassing the neighborhood with posters about the guy and the address. If your SIL cannot do this, can someone anonymously send the info to several neighbors, or to the school that these neighborhood children would attend? Also day care centers in the area? Public library? I know our school has to post the info and picture of the offender if he lives within a certain radius of the school.

I know we should accept that this guy has paid his debt to society and be left in peace, but we also know that pedophiles DON'T STOP. The parents of these children need to be warned somehow. I am sure that if only a few were notified (with the appropriate contact info so they can find the official listings- even if the notices were to say something like "sex offender/pedophile in neighborhood" and list the link to the official documentation), the word would spread like wildfire.

 

[MrsPete]

If he isn't in violation of any laws (isn't missing from probation, isn't living with children, etc.), you really don't have a legal leg to stand upon. And since his crimes had to do with children, I don't see that he's a danger to your SIL or niece. People who prey upon children like children, not adults -- partly because it's a power thing to them.

If he were doing something legally wrong right now, it'd be an easy choice for me: As a teacher, I'm a mandated reporter. If I am aware of something and fail to report it, I can lose my job (and it's likely that I would) and go to jail (which is not likely).

Morally, it's a whole different story -- morally, he's wrong six ways to Sunday. I'd have a huge problem with my daughter dating a child molester (and no one's buying that he was innocent of two separate incidents), and I'd have a huge problem with him lazing around the house all day mouching off of my hard work.

I'd tell him what I think, and I'd have nothing to do with him while this person is in his house -- it could easily become a toxic relationship for you. Or maybe it already has.