Help me with DD 12

[gm]

First the good stuff:

She is a perfect A student in Middle School
She has many friends and is a happy kid
Has many things a 12 year old would want like Itouch,Disney channel shows, nice clothes, her own room.

The Bad stuff:

She talks back so much that it is getting harder and harder everyday to ground her. I mean she talks back to everything. I have taken her itouch,removed disney channel as punishment but still she talks back.

She finds my eyeliner and puts it on daily which I think she is too young to wear but she puts eyeliner on and I tried to hide it but she always finds it. It has come to a point where I have to put the makeup in the car. All her nice clothes in the car and everything she like in the car.

here is an example of what she says:

"I will only be nice if I get my itouch back". Of course, she never follows thru so she gets nothing back. I tell her "you have to be nice for the remainder of the week and you still will not get your itouch back because you only want to do it for the itouch so be nice and I will think about it!period"

If she cannot find something of hers, she will be like almost at the verge of screaming.

Today I took her all her clothes and replaced them with clothes she would not be caught wearing.


Any sugggestions before I go crazy.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

Consistancy and the realization that you may have to give away or donate expensive items you purchased for her.

If my daughter ever told me the rules (I'll only be good if I get my stuff back) she would be in a bedroom with only a mattress. She wouldn't be seeing the light of day for quite a while.

If she has a smart mouth and doesn't show respect, it doesn't matter what her grades are or who her friends are...

You need to nip this in the bud and start with the bare bones and work up to items when she can control her mouth.

 

[MizTink]

First the good stuff:

She is a perfect A student in Middle School
She has many friends and is a happy kid
Has many things a 12 year old would want like Itouch,Disney channel shows, nice clothes, her own room.

The Bad stuff:

She talks back so much that it is getting harder and harder everyday to ground her. I mean she talks back to everything. I have taken her itouch,removed disney channel as punishment but still she talks back.

She finds my eyeliner and puts it on daily which I think she is too young to wear but she puts eyeliner on and I tried to hide it but she always finds it. It has come to a point where I have to put the makeup in the car. All her nice clothes in the car and everything she like in the car.

here is an example of what she says:

"I will only be nice if I get my itouch back". Of course, she never follows thru so she gets nothing back. I tell her "you have to be nice for the remainder of the week and you still will not get your itouch back because you only want to do it for the itouch so be nice and I will think about it!period"

If she cannot find something of hers, she will be like almost at the verge of screaming.

Today I took her all her clothes and replaced them with clothes she would not be caught wearing.


Any sugggestions before I go crazy.

choose your battles......that's all i have to say.
she is only 12. it will get worse before it gets better! so.........choose your battles wisely!!!

 

[Mom21]

Well a few thoughts. I have a 12yo. Oh boy has she been a trial since she was born. Things I've learned. DO NOT ENGAGE! At first I was like well of course I will talk back when she talks to me like that. Really just ignore. They stop. As far as the makeup my dd doesn't use any except for a bit of lip gloss however I on the other had was disgusting with makeup at their age. My mom didn't make a big deal. I look back and cringe at what I must have looked like. Let that go. Not a biggie.

Let it go. You don't know how hard it is for me to type that. My 12yo is doing Algebra 2 and Chemistry and still I hound her about school. I am learning to let go. Key words. Yes they are nasty human beings at this age and we wish they would drop off the face of the earth (ok not really but still). If she is doing well then give her the eyeliner and the first time someone makes fun of it (oh and they will...believe me)then it will go to the trash without mom being the bad one......KWIM?? AFter a few weeks I would say "didn't like the eyeliner? yeah I don't like it much either on a girl as pretty as you." And give her the chance to make it her decision.

Editing to add that if she is using eyeliner and it looks bad maybe you can offer to do it for her and make it more subtle. She gets her eyeliner and mommy time and knows she can talk to you and you control the makeup

 

[ilovejack02]

I have a 20 yr old and we went through some rocky years between 13 and 15.

My solution was to strip him of everything that he loved, clothes , video games , phones, computer etc.

When he behaved he was rewarded with his items back , one at a time.

Teenagers are the worst lol, but it gets better I promise.

Make up may not be the biggest thing you ever deal with and so you might want to choose your battles on this one. Maybe get her , her own makeup and teach her how to apply it safely . It is not sanitary to share makeup , dont let her borrow your eye makeup .

 

[Mom21]

Ok just saw you took all of her clothes. maybe if it is an issue you can put them in a different closet and each night go through together and pick out clothes for the next day. She sees you have control but also sees she has some input into things that affect her.

 

[Tink888]

First the good stuff:

She is a perfect A student in Middle School
She has many friends and is a happy kid
Has many things a 12 year old would want like Itouch,Disney channel shows, nice clothes, her own room.

The Bad stuff:

She talks back so much that it is getting harder and harder everyday to ground her. I mean she talks back to everything. I have taken her itouch,removed disney channel as punishment but still she talks back.

She finds my eyeliner and puts it on daily which I think she is too young to wear but she puts eyeliner on and I tried to hide it but she always finds it. It has come to a point where I have to put the makeup in the car. All her nice clothes in the car and everything she like in the car.

here is an example of what she says:

"I will only be nice if I get my itouch back". Of course, she never follows thru so she gets nothing back. I tell her "you have to be nice for the remainder of the week and you still will not get your itouch back because you only want to do it for the itouch so be nice and I will think about it!period"

If she cannot find something of hers, she will be like almost at the verge of screaming.

Today I took her all her clothes and replaced them with clothes she would not be caught wearing.


Any sugggestions before I go crazy.

That's a tough age. My son went through a stage at that age when he was mouthy.

The only advice I can offer is set limits of what you will and will not tolerate and let her know ahead of time what they are. Let her know what will happen, follow through and stick to it.

If my son had said something along those bolded lines to me (and he probably did lol) not only would I have not given back the Ipod but I would've taken away a privilege in addition to the Ipod. If she screams, send her to her room and let her scream. Get some earplugs, she'll get quiet eventually.

It's so tough......tweens can be a real pain in the you know what. She's still a child but she's getting older, wants to test her independence and what you'll let her get away with. Plus kids are just hormonal and moody at that age. Stay tough, stick to your rules, don't give in. Some of it she'll probably outgrow but if you let her push you around and think that she's going to run the show, it will definitely get worse.

 

[MonkeyDishwasher]

I know it's a tough age, but maybe another solution would be to talk with her to figure out where this attitude is coming from? Maybe her friends talk back to their parents, and of course they find it funny, so she feels it's ok for her to do it too. Or maybe there's a class clown who does the same with the teacher, and all the classmates give them positive responses to that behavior so she's emulating them.

Heck, maybe you should even leave the Disney Channel off. Miley's character on Hannah Montana and Alec (Selena Gomez on Wizards of Waverly Place) are both written to be fairly snarky, narcissistic characters. Perhaps she's picking it from that.

In any case, the best solution is to find out why she's acting this way, and explain to her how hurt you are when she speaks to you like that. When I was that age, that's exactly what my mom did with me, and I felt so guilty for hurting her feelings that I really let up the 'tude. You could also point out other kids in different situations that simpyl look like jerks behaving the way she is, and tell her that's what SHE looks like when she acts the same way. Talk to her like a demi-grown up, and she might surprise you.

 

[gm]

thank you for all the advice. I am going to use many pointers everyone gave me.

DS who is in college now, I had no problem with him at all. He was just the opposite. Now in college, he is showing the other side though now that he has indepedence.

Monkeydishwasher, I do feel also that she was watching too much hannah/wizards of waverly and was using it towards her behaviour.

I have all her clothes in the car right now. This is what she told me earlier tonight "So I am not going to school tomorrow right". I said "If i have to take you to school tomorrow in pjs, I will". She said that because she has nothing to wear!! Of course she has jeans and a plain t which I will make sure she wears tomorrow. I also took her hair straightner which she cannot live without. Her room is bare now.

I am glad to hear this is not just happening to me. I was seriously thinking something is wrong with her.

 

[IDoDis]

First the good stuff:

She is a perfect A student in Middle School
She has many friends and is a happy kid
Has many things a 12 year old would want like Itouch,Disney channel shows, nice clothes, her own room.

The Bad stuff:

She talks back so much that it is getting harder and harder everyday to ground her. I mean she talks back to everything. I have taken her itouch,removed disney channel as punishment but still she talks back.

She finds my eyeliner and puts it on daily which I think she is too young to wear but she puts eyeliner on and I tried to hide it but she always finds it. It has come to a point where I have to put the makeup in the car. All her nice clothes in the car and everything she like in the car.

here is an example of what she says:

"I will only be nice if I get my itouch back". Of course, she never follows thru so she gets nothing back. I tell her "you have to be nice for the remainder of the week and you still will not get your itouch back because you only want to do it for the itouch so be nice and I will think about it!period"

If she cannot find something of hers, she will be like almost at the verge of screaming.

Today I took her all her clothes and replaced them with clothes she would not be caught wearing.


Any sugggestions before I go crazy.

On the part I bolded, if someone told me this, I would have no motivation to be nice. To me, that is just being mean back to her. You want her to respect you, but it's a two-way street. Don't play those kind of games with her. State specifically what she needs to do to earn her things back and let her know what behaviors will cause her to loose things/privileges.

I think the make-up battle is one you could do without. She is at the age where she wants to wear make-up, so why not? Have her earn the make-up by speaking nicely and being respectful. If she has her own make-up, that's one less battle you have to fight. Let her win that one.

However, the disrespectful talk has to have immediate consequences. When you take something away, let her know how she can earn it back and be specific -- don't say "I might" let you have it. That is just playing games. Keep in mind though, that while you dole out consequences, you need to equally respond to the good things she does which is often harder to do. Don't think, "Well, I expect that anyway, so I'm not going to reward her." Also, despite these problems, assure her that you love her. Tell her often, even if she doesn't say it back. Let her know how proud you are of her school work, too.

I don't think you should ignore the disrespectful behaviors and let her talk down to you, nor do I think you should scream back at her (not saying you're doing that). These are trying years, but things can get much worse if you don't gain her respect. Let her know that she doesn't have to agree with your rules, but she has to follow them.

 

[NotUrsula]

Quit battling over the makeup and let her buy her own with her allowance/gift money. You can make sure that it is more suitable to her age than yours. (For instance, brown mascara instead of black.) Makeup just isn't a hill worth dying on. If she ends up looking like a clown she'll get laughed at, and she will learn.

Be aware that taking everything away can sometimes backfire. It did for us when we took everything meaningful away from DS. He started shoplifting it.

When she complains about punishment, double-dip. Won't be polite until after you get the iTouch back? Sorry, you just earned another hurdle to cross before you get it; perhaps also raking all of the leaves in the yard on Saturday morning. Set finite and tangible goals when punishing. "Being nice" is too intangible ... it would be better to say something like "first time you make a threat you will get a warning, second time you get the iTouch taken for a day, and every additional threat means you lose it for two more days."

When you hear a threat coming, remind her of what threats cost and ask her if she really wants to go there. Address the specific type of unacceptable remarks and make sure that you explain just what is unacceptable about them -- kids sometimes don't naturally realize the differences in what is acceptable talking to peers vs. talking to adults.

Good luck!

 

[donnajon]

I washed DD's mouth out with soap when she sassed me. I later heard her tell her brother and sister, "You do NOT want to back talk mama!" A few days later she rolled her eyes at me. I asked her if she rolled her eyes at me because that was the same thing as talking back to me and I would wash them out with soap, too! (That one was a bluff!) She quickly said no and hasn't rolled her eyes at me again either. Sometimes, our parents and grandparents really did know what they were doing with their discipline.

 

[ProgressCity]

Myself and all my siblings were incredibly well behaved growing up. My husband's kids are all very well behaved as well and I think it's because my hubby and parents parent in much the same way (I don't have kids yet). When I was growing up we weren't rewarded for good behavior, it was just expected. The reward was getting to live with my parents and eat their food

IMHO, telling a kid to be good to get their iTouch back is sending the wrong message. So she should only be good if something is in it for her? What about being good because it's the right thing to do? When I was growing up it was expected that if you wanted to live under your parent's roof and eat their food you followed their rules...period. Presents were for Christmas and birthdays, not as a bribe to behave. If we were bad our parents would take something away and it was gone...for good. I should add that myself and my siblings have never felt deprived, we had a happy childhood in general.

I also think a big part of the problem is the tween TV shows, and sadly, especially the ones on Disney. These shows portray tweens running their lives, getting what they want, doing what they want, and generally being disrespectful. IMHO, just because a show doesn't have cussing or sexuality doesn't mean it's good for children. Ask yourself, would you let your kids do the stuff these kids on TV are doing? Kids are being portrayed as behaving more "grown-up" on TV and the kids that watch them want to emulate that.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, kids don't come with manuals and I think for the most part everyone tries to do the best they can Every family is different and every child is different, it's a complete mystery to me how 2 kids raised the same way by the same parents can end up drastically different.

If I was in your position I would sit dd down and have a "come to Jesus" meeting. I'd let her know that as her mom I love her and I provide for her needs and since she has proven untrustworthy, that is all I'll be providing. If she steals your eyeliner, make her wash it off before she leaves the house. If she's late for school then she has to deal with those consequences. She'll get tired of washing it off. (I can't imagine EVER even THINKING about taking my mother's eyeliner.)

Good luck!

 

[ProgressCity]

I washed DD's mouth out with soap when she sassed me. I later heard her tell her brother and sister, "You do NOT want to back talk mama!" A few days later she rolled her eyes at me. I asked her if she rolled her eyes at me because that was the same thing as talking back to me and I would wash them out with soap, too! (That one was a bluff!) She quickly said no and hasn't rolled her eyes at me again either. Sometimes, our parents and grandparents really did know what they were doing with their discipline.

Amen to that! Our parents and grandparents turned out fine, so why is it today parents are so worried about being too harsh? Can you even imagine your grandparents sitting your parents down and promising them goodies if they behave? There are people today that would think washing a kid's mouth out with soap is borderline abusive. I had my mouth washed out with soap exactly once and it must have worked because it was never even threatened again after that!

 

[Sleepy]

Be aware that taking everything away can sometimes backfire. It did for us when we took everything meaningful away from DS. He started shoplifting it.

I can only say I would never allow my child's potential actions threaten me into giving a lesser punishment or alter my plan for consequences.

 

[clarabelle]

If you tried being punitive and isn't working -I would try going in the other direction.
Like pp suggested see if you can talk to her and find out what is going on with her. Maybe even get someone else to talk to her.

Also I would maybe cave on the makeup or find some kind of middle ground you can live with. Maybe even take her to a place that does makeup and get some suggestions or a makeover. (She might take advice from someone else better than you)

I would be honest with her. Tell her you are finding this difficult. Get some input from her about why she thinks she is talking back.

IF you are religious -I would also consider praying with her or doing a little devotion (yes I know it sounds a little corny)

I would try going in the other direction -being really nice with lots of hugs and seeing what happens.

I am not talking about caving in on rules -especially ones that have to do with safety.

Parenting is the toughest job. Really -the hardest thing I have ever done.

 

[mom2d&b]

DD ( will be 10 on Monday) has also gotten very mouthy. I feel like I have tries EVERYTHING and it is not working. I finally resorted to speaking with her teacher. DD is a straight "A" student and the teacher is shocked at the issues we are having. No issues like this at school. Without me asking, her teacher had a talk with DD and so far we have had 4 good days. We have had a few instances where we involved DD and DS teachers and the teachers actually seem to appreacite it. It works great with both teachers and parents being on the same page. I think DD hears things differently from the teacher so it works.

 

[HeatherC]

I have a 13 year old daughter who is also a great student with lots of friends. We also have a very good relationship that I intend to keep and will do everything I can to insure that.

That being said, I am her mom, not her friend. But....this is such a tough age for kids and I think it may even be harder for kids today than when we were teenagers.

I'm just trying to do the same things my mom did and they seem to be working.

I do not make a big deal out of a lot of things. She had asked me a few years ago if she could shave her legs. Ok...I let her. Was she too young at the time? Maybe...but really what's the big deal. She now wears the eyliner. Do I like it? Not really. But I don't make a big deal of it. Some days she'll put it on too heavy and I'll tell her like I would tell anyone that it seems to be smudged and she may want to just take a peek in the mirror. Works every time...she wipes half of it off. But if I tell her she's wearing too much, that just backfires.

I think treating kids with respect will really make them respect us. Now that's not to say she doesn't have fits and yell and talk back. But I let her get it all out and then calmly a few minutes later ask her what happened? Did she think I was being unreasonable to ask her to unload the dishwasher or whatever? If she didn't want to do it, all she had to do was tell me and she could do it a little later. But...she's still got to do it. I just try to put the decisions as much as possible in her lap and so far it's working.

Of course she also knows there are things we won't let her do no matter what. Like being dropped off to just hang out at the mall or a party where we don't know anyone. Not happening and she understands that. I think in part because I try not to make too much a big deal of the little things. Then when the big things arise she gets where I'm coming from.

Just remember...this too shall pass. We'll all survive I'm sure.

Good luck to you!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Sounds like you are battling her growing up. Time to sit down and reach some compromises with her. Begin the task of communication with your teen. (I do admit to doing alot of hugging, which is my best weapon ).

She wants to wear makeup and sounds like you do not allow it. Until you come to an agreement over that you are going to have a battle royal.

I can't say what you should do since it is up to your parenting style.

I am not one to battle over makeup, hair, clothes, etc...It is something that is not battle-worthy for me.

As a result my dd's never cared about clothes or makeup. Go figure.

My dd's are 18 and 13.

 

[lovetoscrap]

It sounds like your parenting style is much like mine. I love the 1-2-3 Magic books by Thomas Phelan http://www.parentmagic.com/ . You may be able to find them in your library.

As a PP said, don't engage. Don't get in shouting matches. Don't respond to her when she is being mouthy. And you do have to pick your battles according to what is important to your family and your values. For our family makeup and clothes ARE a battle we take on because they are important to us and our overall value structure.

If you have ever listened to Dr. Phil he says that once you come down on your kids and strip them of all that they have (as you have ) they WILL get worse! She is testing you. You have to remain firm. In a relatively short time she will figure out that you are serious and that if she wants a life she had better change her ways. I always require lots of chores in addition to a better attitude. But until she is ready then her life as she knows it is over-- no electronics at all, no communication with the outside world from home, no extra unnecessary activities (we still did swim team), no birthday parties, and if she if she is being a real pain she can stay in her room. If she is being uncivilized at meals then she can eat by herself in another room or before/after everyone else.

When she finally realizes you are serious and is ready to follow the rules (you will know!) then you can sit down and have a long talk about her attitude, your expectations, and hers. Make a chart or list if needed. And praise her constantly for the good. Plan some mother daughter time--go for ice cream, to a movie, and some father daughter time (if that is possible). She is on that line between being your little girl and being an independent teen. She still needs that special time and reassurance that she is your little girl.

I know that a lot of people here don't agree with my parenting style, but it works for my family and my kids.