Help Me Convince Ex!!!!

[irishbosoxfan]

I 've been on another thread trying to give some advice on child custody--Now I need your help!
My ex and I divorced about 7 years ago and the judge gave him physical custody with no set plan for visitation.
Every year except last I asked for the boys to come visit me here in KS(from Mass) and every year he says no. His reasons varied from they're to young to travel alone to he wouldn't know what was going on to what if they want to come back early. Then year before last he said they could come if I

1)flew to Mass to pick them up
2)flew back to Ks with them
3)flew them back to Mass
4)flew myself back to Ks

So I wouldv'e had to buy 4 roundtrip tickets which he knew I couldn't afford--I think thats why he offered.

Now my Dh and I want to take all our kids to WDW to be all together at the same time even if it's only for a short time.We have 5 children total.

My boys are now 14 (15 when we go) and 11. Each time I tried to get them I always offered to pay the extra so they'll have the attendant to watch them every step of the way and he's always vetoed it.

My nephew who is 12 is a world class traveler w/my sis in the Army and has made many flights by himself with the attendant-From Germany,Panama and many within the continental U.S.

How can I convince my ex to allow me to get my boys for one time to take them to WDW for some time with mom?

We have joint custody and he maintains physical--we have no set visitation because the judge felt with my ties to the Army I wouldn't always be able to see them when I was assigned to so left visitation empty and unfortunately ex has taken that to mean I won't see them unless I pull teeth.

Well I called him this morn and asked what time I could call back tonite to make sure he was going to be home and told him that I'd like to have the boys for some time this summer to take on vacation--I didn't say where or when just that I'd like to discuss it with him--I figured give him all day to come up with excuses---and hopefully with some friends here be able to counter whatever he comes up with.

So PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help me get my boys for our trip of a lifetime.!

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

When/how DO you see the kids?

 

[diskids2]

I just want to understand. You want the kids to fly to WDW and meet you and you will ask for an attendant to be with them?

 

[canwegosoon]

Well they would be 2 years older now...but honestly I don't know how to convince someone. I would say the way to make sure it happens is for you fly there, then to WDW, back there, and then home...maybe you could do southwest or Jetblue etc...but that's my best advice. Your DH and family could fly to WDW and meet you there. You mention the military...could you get some kind of military flight or rate etc. to held defray the cost.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

The only way I can see my boys is to go to Mass but even when I do and he knows I'm coming something always comes up-so if I go for say 2 weeks I may only get to see them 5 maybe 6 times---As for the attendant I was speaking of for the flight-They would get on the plane then have a flight attendant assigned to them to make sure they got on the right flight if there was a layover and to stay with them at the airport till I signed for them---As for flights for me to fly with them I would need 3 roundtrip flights just for myself to make it work...I really cant swing that and a trip to WDW.

 

[cepmom]

I would not bother going through him anymore if it were me...you are their mother and you do have a right to visit with them...maybe not on a regular set visitations schedule, given your distance, but you should be able to take them on vacation or have them visit you in your home. They are not babies anymore and should be able to fly to you or to FL with an attendant to assist them. Contact the court that issued the joint custody agreement and petition them to allow visitation.

There are always two sides to every story, so I don't know what your ex's hang ups are, but it sounds to me like he is being unreasonable and not doing your sons any favors by inhibiting your relationship with them.

 

[diskids2]

I know plenty of people who let their children fly "alone" and the reasons vary. I think it's all about what the parents feel comfortable with.

I would let my children fly under the circumstances of the flight attendant, but I would have to respect their father if he didn't feel comfortable with the situation.

I know it's hard because that could be just an excuse.

Good luck

 

[helenabear]

I don't even have kids... so take this with a grain of salt...

I was flying solo when I was 15 years old... I would visit family on my own during spring breaks. No one *ever* had to watch me. I think if you can get a non-stop flight for the boys (even though mine always had layovers in Pitts or Philly) and you will be there to greet them just outside of the gate, there should be no issues with them flying.

I think it is also time you get real visitation set up so you don't deal with hassles like this again.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

I've been to the court here twice trying to get modifications made but the courts are reluctant given the military life they say it would be unfair to commit to visitation then have us get stationed outside the continental U.S. and the boys couldn't come for their scheduled visitation(They wont allow OCONUS) or if we were to have a set visitation then during that time period we got stationed elsewhere and had to deal with the boys and a move--The last judge told me to go back to Mass and speak to the judge who issued the orders in the first place and have her revise them but I know that's a lost cause because even though I was abused in the relationship (police reports and photos as proof) she still gave him custody---When I argued with her about the law that had just passed prior to our custody hearing that states when a spouse is abused they get custody of the children she told me flat out "This is my court-I make the rules".

 

[cepmom]

I've been to the court here twice trying to get modifications made but the courts are reluctant given the military life they say it would be unfair to commit to visitation then have us get stationed outside the continental U.S. and the boys couldn't come for their scheduled visitation(They wont allow OCONUS) or if we were to have a set visitation then during that time period we got stationed elsewhere and had to deal with the boys and a move--The last judge told me to go back to Mass and speak to the judge who issued the orders in the first place and have her revise them but I know that's a lost cause because even though I was abused in the relationship (police reports and photos as proof) she still gave him custody---When I argued with her about the law that had just passed prior to our custody hearing that states when a spouse is abused they get custody of the children she told me flat out "This is my court-I make the rules".

then I would get myself a good lawyer to fight for, at the very least, some sort of allowance for you to have them to visit or go on vacation with you. If they won't set up regular visits due to being in the Army (which I don't get...if you were stationed overseas, couldn't the order be modified at that time??), at least a provision for vacation during the summer. There is no reason that the court shouldn't agree to that, unless there is a situation that would make it harmful for the boys to visit with you (like drug abuse, alcoholism etc ~ which you have not mentioned, so probably not the case)

 

[tkd lisa]

Boy, my heart breaks for you.

Have you asked your family services center for legal advice? On both bases I've been at, they offer help for family legal issues.

And for the record, what you want to do seems perfectly reasonable to me. These are not babies, and you're willing to pay for the supervision (which isn't strictly necessary at their ages). You're inside the US, etc.

If the local family services can't help you, maybe see if there's a family resources agency out in town?

I sure hope this works out for you.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

then I would get myself a good lawyer to fight for, at the very least, some sort of allowance for you to have them to visit or go on vacation with you. If they won't set up regular visits due to being in the Army (which I don't get...if you were stationed overseas, couldn't the order be modified at that time??), at least a provision for vacation during the summer. There is no reason that the court shouldn't agree to that, unless there is a situation that would make it harmful for the boys to visit with you (like drug abuse, alcoholism etc ~ which you have not mentioned, so probably not the case)

Right now I'm supposed to get visitation there's just no set schedule meaning we're supposed to be able to work one out for when it would be convenient for him,for me to have them---He just doesn't care---And your right there's no situation other than the one where I'm remarried and he's not-At least thats the nearest I can figure--My sister has spoken with him quite a few times when she's called to talk to the boys and has asked him what's up and his answer has always been "She's the one who decided to move away" Though it's not really an explanation it's the only one he's ever given.

 

[wilderness01]

I agree with the others. Get yourself a good attorney and go fight for your rights. The kids are being kept away from you and god knows what your ex is telling them. This can have very long term reprecussions for your relationship with them. Is your ex remarried? Maybe a woman can influence him as to the importance of a mother! Don't wait, run to an attorney. Good luck.

 

[wilderness01]

We were posting at the same time so I didn't see the "he is not remarried". Go speak with an attorney soon. I wouldn't involve anymore family or friends. Keep a journal as to when you called and asked to see the kids so your records are accurate for court.

 

[SillyMe]

I would definitely fight. Those are your children, too. They're also old enough to speak for themselves and tell the courts how their father won't allow them to visit you.

 

[cepmom]

Right now I'm supposed to get visitation there's just no set schedule meaning we're supposed to be able to work one out for when it would be convenient for him,for me to have them---He just doesn't care---And your right there's no situation other than the one where I'm remarried and he's not-At least thats the nearest I can figure--My sister has spoken with him quite a few times when she's called to talk to the boys and has asked him what's up and his answer has always been "She's the one who decided to move away" Though it's not really an explanation it's the only one he's ever given.

I get it....but if he isn't willing to work out a visitation schedule that works for him, the boys and you, then a call to court is in order to have the situation mediated. It sounds like he is just making up excuse after excuse...him requiring you to fly there to get them, fly home, fly them back to MA then home again is very unreasonable. He should not get the final say in this...even though he has physical custody, you share joint legal custody and you have the right to see them without giving in to his unreasonable demands. The whole situation is tough...I feel for you , but mostly for the boys. They didn't ask for any of this and sadly, they are probably the ones most hurt by their father's unwillingness to cooperate. I'm sorry.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

Boy, my heart breaks for you.

Have you asked your family services center for legal advice? On both bases I've been at, they offer help for family legal issues.

And for the record, what you want to do seems perfectly reasonable to me. These are not babies, and you're willing to pay for the supervision (which isn't strictly necessary at their ages). You're inside the US, etc.

If the local family services can't help you, maybe see if there's a family resources agency out in town?

I sure hope this works out for you.

As you know anything you do outside of your home on military bases makes its way to someone in charge of you and inevitably goes on your record somewhere--If I were to go to any type of aid agency my DH's commander would call him in and want to know the ins and outs---and it doesnt look good---they want their soldiers to be right on top of everything even if it's a house of cards ready to fall---as long as they dont know that house fell all is good to go----They don't want soldiers to maintain squads or companies if they cant maintain their own personal issues.

I know I'm not being unreasonable but that didn't stop me from balling my eyes out while trying to work up the nerve to ask him about calling him later to talk about it. I was a nervous wreck it was all I could do to keep my voice from breaking while I was on the phone with him.I didn't sleep all night because of having to talk to him ( I suffer from chronic insomnia so I guess being up wasn't that big a deal except my new pills had knocked me out every other night the past 2 weeks) I'm just trying to make sure I have as many ducks in a row as possible before I talk to him tonite.

 

[SleepyMom]

Your situation sounds a lot like mine, only in reverse. I had custody of DD (she's 20 now) and at first our visitation was open because he said he could not commit to any certain dates due to his job (not true, it was just his way of getting what he wanted). So, for years I was never able to make any type of plan because as soon as I would he would say "oh, I wanted her that weekend" and I would change our plans to make it work for him.

Finally I went back into court and asked that they define the visitation a bit more for us because he was basically taking every holiday and all summer and any other weekend he wanted, which left no sure times I could ever make plans with her. The court outlined a holiday schedule where we alternated them and also laid down the fact that if I wanted to make plans with her that I only had to give him the dates and then he couldn't come back and say he got her that weekend. It made life much easier for me.

In your case I would get your visitation looked at again and make sure you have all the dates down on when you have asked for them and been told no, dates you have gone to see them with notice and still only got to spend a short time with them, etc... you need to have everything documented.

I don't feel he has the right to tell you no so much, your kids are more than old enough to fly alone (I have several friends whose kids have flown much younger than yours, alone). I know it costs money, but your best bet might be to go back into court and set dates for visitation, that way he can't tell you no. You do have rights, you just have to stand up to him and make sure you are given what you deserve.

 

[FreshTressa]

I don't understand you you can afford a trip to WDW, but not to go up and fly with your kids back home??

Anyway...he is obviously being mean about it...no idea how to help you.

 

[cepmom]

I don't understand you you can afford a trip to WDW, but not to go up and fly with your kids back home??

Anyway...he is obviously being mean about it...no idea how to help you.

he wanted her to fly to MA get the boys, fly back with them to her place, fly with them back to MA, then fly her self home. That's four RT tickets ~ it's just unreasonable to expect anyone to do that when they are big enough to fly alone with an attendant.