Help! I don't know if I should call Child Protective Services?!

[canfield77]

Hi everyone, I'm new here on the DIS, just joined about a week or two ago. I don't have anyone to discuss this with, and needed some advice on a touchy subject. My BIL, Erik, is 16 years old. He lives with his sister, Brittany, and his mom. His mom smokes about two packs a day, and lets Erik smoke as well. She buys him cigarettes, and he probably smokes a pack or more a day and has for some time now. It is starting to be detrimental to his health as well as his quality of life. He doesn't do anything with his family or friends anymore, because doing so would prevent him from getting a cigarette. He used to come over to our house and hang out quite a bit, but now he never does unless someone who smokes will be here to give him cigarettes. He is sick all the time and misses A LOT of school. Consequently, he is probably going to fail tenth grade. At this point, he would have to get A's on all his tests from here to the end of the school year, and he would just barely pass. And he keeps missing school, so that will probably not happen. Also, she hardly ever keeps food in the house. Brittany and Erik never eat any breakfast because she doesn't buy anything to eat. She also doesn't give them any money for lunch, so they end up eating off of their friend's plates at school. They are both really skinny. All Erik and his mom do is smoke cigarettes and drink coffee. Their mom makes good money too, she just doesn't care I guess. She dropped them off at a family get together and went bar hopping tonight. That in of itself isn't too bad, except she shouldn't be spending money on alcoholic drinks if she can't buy food for her kids! She left them to find their own way home. I don't know what to do, I feel like the right thing would be to call Child Protective Services, but I don't want them to go into foster care and be miserable and take them away from their family and everything. I would take them in a heartbeat but I live in a two bedroom rental cottage with my son and husband, and I don't know if they would let me take care of them without a bedroom for them. This has been going on for some time, and I've been on the fence about what to do, but the other night I saw Erik telling his friends on Facebook that he was down to his last cigarette so he was going to drink NyQuil and go back to sleep even though he just woke up, because he couldn't stand to go without one. So I think the situation might be getting worse. My husband and I have tried to talk to his mom about it, but she just tells us that "there's nothing she can do", "mind our own business", or that "everything is fine". Should I call Child Protective Services, or should I just "Mind my own Business"????? Please any comments are appreciated!

 

[N.Bailey]

I don't know what to tell you. I am sure someone will come along and offer up some advice in that dept, but I just wanted to say, it really doesn't sound like all this boy has going on is smoking cigarettes. I could be wrong, but it sounds more like a drug/alcohol problem to me.

Regardless, the boy needs help.

 

[shelbys mommy]

I would call just to be on the safe side. Worst thing, the just dismiss the complaint. At least you can say you have tried.

 

[kilee]

I need clarification, what would you be calling CPS exactly for? Because a 16 yr old is smoking? MANY, MANY do whether I agree w/ it or not.

The no food thing, is one issue, the Nyquil thing I'd probably call the mom and maybe the school counselor to try to intervene on.

I think you will need more evidence of child neglect than what you're going on. I have a very skinny teenage son too.......he gets a lunch check weekly but doesn't turn it in often. He HATES the school food. He eats plenty at home, just seems to burn every last calorie off.

I've dealt w/ CPS (for my nephew who was abused and landed in the hospital w/ broken bones and even then it was hard to get them to listen to me) and unless the problem is truly something concrete and severe I would not go that route. I'd try to find another way to help. If this child has a drug and/or alcohol problem, pulling him from his "home" will probably only make it worse. And no.....they will not place the child w/ you unless you are certified and have room. If you are a relative you will not have to be certified but still have the room.

 

[kathie859]

I gather your DH is the big brother in the equasion? Is he willing or able to step in (and up) to provide a healthier environment for his siblings?

If he is unable/unwilling to do so, I think I would make a call to CPS to at least discuss your observations and perhaps they would have more of an influence on your DMIL.

This is a tough call because I would imagine DMIL may be a little acusatory trying to find out who reported the situation. BUT I would do it and at least know that I did SOMETHING rather than just wring my hands.

 

[laurie31]

Please call.

Aside from the cigarettes, not having food in the house is neglect. If it was because there was no money for food, Social Services would get her set up with Food Stamps, not take the kids. However, it sounds like there IS money, it's just being spent VERY unwisely. Not giving the kids breakfast OR lunch is neglect. Just because he isn't a two year old doesn't make it any more okay. The mother's behavios is overall neglectful.

To the people telling you to MYOB, what will they have to say to you at his funeral? How will you feel, knowing you DIDN'T call?

That sounds harsh, but if this kid is getting NOTHING nourishing to eat, plus smoking and drinking alcohol, he could easily end up dead.

 

[N.Bailey]

I need clarification, what would you be calling CPS exactly for? Because a 16 yr old is smoking? MANY, MANY do whether I agree w/ it or not.

The no food thing, is one issue, the Nyquil thing I'd probably call the mom and maybe the school counselor to try to intervene on.

I think you will need more evidence of child neglect than what you're going on. I have a very skinny teenage son too.......he gets a lunch check weekly but doesn't turn it in often. He HATES the school food. He eats plenty at home, just seems to burn every last calorie off.

I just saw that the OP is from my home state. The mother could be charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor. That doesn't mean LE would ever charge her, but it might be an option in this case. Honestly though, she probably wouldn't get much more than a slap on the wrist, especially if she has no other criminal record. It certainly would create the paper trail for subsequent violations should mom be charged for something else on down the line.

 

[dislaney]

I would probably call and err on the side of caution but I agree that other than documenting in case there are future issues I don't know that much will really be done.

 

[canfield77]

I need clarification, what would you be calling CPS exactly for? Because a 16 yr old is smoking? MANY, MANY do whether I agree w/ it or not.

I would be calling CPS because she is BUYING him the cigarettes and in effect, encouraging the behavior (this is also Illegal). Also because she doesn't make him go to school, and because she never has any food in the house for them to eat. I know that this doesn't sound as bad as many other children's households that are beaten and abused, that is why I'm asking what others think.

I don't know what to tell you. I am sure someone will come along and offer up some advice in that dept, but I just wanted to say, it really doesn't sound like all this boy has going on is smoking cigarettes. I could be wrong, but it sounds more like a drug/alcohol problem to me.

Regardless, the boy needs help.

I'm personally worried as well that he is going to be getting into more serious drugs. I'm also worried because DMIL doesn't seem to CARE. She doesn't care about his smoking, missing school, or anything else.

I gather your DH is the big brother in the equasion? Is he willing or able to step in (and up) to provide a healthier environment for his siblings?

DMIL would never let us provide an environment for the kids. And we are willing and "able" except that we only have a two bedroom house at the moment. We would have to get a larger house, which is doable, excpet we have a lease I'm not sure we can break before its up.

 

[canfield77]

I would probably call and err on the side of caution but I agree that other than documenting in case there are future issues I don't know that much will really be done.

Whether anything gets done about the issue or not, I'm not really concerned with right now, because I have no control over the situation. I also think that if CPS investigated, I'm hoping that might be enough to make DMIL wise up. I'm just wondering if I should call, knowing that once its done, there is no going back. I'm not worried about myself, I'm just worried about BIL. I really care about him, and seeing the decline in him since he started smoking cigarettes and missing school, and never eating worries me.

To the people telling you to MYOB, what will they have to say to you at his funeral? How will you feel, knowing you DIDN'T call?

This is what I'm thinking. Its better to be safe than sorry, right? I just want to be sure I'm doing the right thing, because DMIL and BIL are going to be furious about this... not that I hope they ever found out it was me.

 

[luvmy3]

OP, how do you know all this stuff, like that there is never food in the house etc? Is this something you have prrof because you are there everday, is someone who is living in the house telling you this stuff?

How old is the sister?

 

[canfield77]

OP, how do you know all this stuff, like that there is never food in the house etc? Is this something you have prrof because you are there everday, is someone who is living in the house telling you this stuff?

Both. My husband and I stayed there for a short time when we were moving from Ohio to Pennsylvania, and in the process of getting all of our belongings from one place to another. She hardly ever had food in the house, so we bought a lot for everyone to eat. Then, we moved into our own place, and whenever we go over there, the refrigerator and shelves are still empty, and also Brittany and Erik both tell us about the no breakfast/no lunch thing. SIL is 17, and was in volleyball, and DMIL never gave her any food money for games either, so we always did. SIL told me that she went a whole day just picking food off other people's plates once, because she didn't have any food at the house or any money to buy any with at school or at the vball game.

 

[dislaney]

OP - I thought when you called it was anonymous. I'm not really sure about that though but I had always heard it was.

 

[canfield77]

SIL will be turning 18 in a week, and is moving out though, so its mostly about the brother, who is 16.

 

[Minnie]

What about the school counselor? They would likely know about the lunch situation and if there is truancy involved...

Also, what does your DH think? This is his brother so IMO he should be making the decision of whether or not to make that call.

Good luck!

(I edited this post as I see there is more to the situation that first posted...)

 

[luvmy3]

Both. My husband and I stayed there for a short time when we were moving from Ohio to Pennsylvania, and in the process of getting all of our belongings from one place to another. She hardly ever had food in the house, so we bought a lot for everyone to eat. Then, we moved into our own place, and whenever we go over there, the refrigerator and shelves are still empty, and also Brittany and Erik both tell us about the no breakfast/no lunch thing. SIL is 17, and was in volleyball, and DMIL never gave her any food money for games either, so we always did. SIL told me that she went a whole day just picking food off other people's plates once, because she didn't have any food at the house or any money to buy any with at school or at the vball game.

Is their dad in the picture? To me it doesn't seem like the problem is stemming from cigarettes, it could be he's getting high or depressed. Maybe your dh could try to talk to him and figure out whats going on and you can take it from there. If his health is in jeopardy due to lack of food and smoking I would call, but I would let the mom know so that she isn't ambushed. Maybe the threat of calling would make her get her act together.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

Contrary to popular belief, CPS calls do not automatically result in foster care. At least in my state (and I suspect many are like this), the goal is for the biological family to stay together. They will work with the parents to get them the resources they need and help them be a safe and healthy home for their children. Even if the kids are temporarily placed, the eventual goal will most likely be reunification and they will help the parents do what they need to meet that goal.

I say call. This is not a healthy environment for those kids and CPS can help them get it together. Obviously they need some help, and it sounds like that boy is going downhill fast. Please call.

 

[Sparx]

OP - I thought when you called it was anonymous. I'm not really sure about that though but I had always heard it was.

it is. the person you report will never know you reported them unless you decide to tell them.

basically if you call in a referral, a case manager will go out to the house, assess the situation, and if they feel that child neglect is going on, further action will be taken.

not having food in the house and the 16 year old smoking will not get him put in to foster care.

but, remember, unless you live with them, its hard to know whats REALLY going on, kwim? your concern is a good thing (much better than the 100s of referrals every day that are made out of spite, when children aren't in danger.) and if it will really help you feel better, by all means call in a referral. no one will ever know you did it, but if anything really is wrong it can be easily solved.

good luck!

 

[Sparx]

Contrary to popular belief, CPS calls do not automatically result in foster care. At least in my state (and I suspect many are like this), the goal is for the biological family to stay together. They will work with the parents to get them the resources they need and help them be a safe and healthy home for their children. Even if the kids are temporarily placed, the eventual goal will most likely be reunification and they will help the parents do what they need to meet that goal.

I say call. This is not a healthy environment for those kids and CPS can help them get it together. Obviously they need some help, and it sounds like that boy is going downhill fast. Please call.

thank you! if you call dcs, they don't just cart the kids away to foster care without investigating! foster care is the LAST resort.

 

[Bluestars]

At the very least, I would take food over there on a weekly basis so your BIL can eat. Depending on his mother's circumstances, he may be eligible for free lunch at school. Some schools even have breakfast available.

You might want to invite the BIL over for dinner or something and have your husband have a heart to heart conversation with him. He might open up to your husband.

I don't see anything wrong with calling CPS. It sounds like something needs to be done before it's too late. You are a good SIL for caring.