Help for a shy child?

[KimR]

My 5-year-old DD is extremely shy. She is fine around family and close friends, somewhat reserved at school but still relatively sociable. The problem is everywhere else. Now, it's not really her shyness I have a problem with. I was a very shy child and it was made worse by the fact that my parents treated it as a personality flaw to the point of refusing to face the issue. They would tell me 'You are NOT shy, stop acting like that' when I obviously was! I don't want to do that to her, so I have been telling her that it's perfectly ok to be shy. She has a tendency to hide behind my legs when people try to talk to her and I'll just noncholantly explain that she is shy without making a big deal of it.

Well, maybe that wasn't such a good idea. Or maybe that was fine when she was smaller, but she is 5 now and I think she really needs to start learning basic social skills. I'm not talking about being a little chatterbox like her sisters, but simply acknowledging people when they talk to her. Even if another child at the gym says 'hi' to her she refuses to answer or even look at the child. It is like she is in her own little world. Yesterday one persistant little boy kept saying 'hello' louder and louder yet she still refused to even look at him. I told her to answer the little boy, but she just refused. I've tried to explain to her that it makes people feel bad when she ignores them, but that doesn't seem to help.

Does anyone have any experience with this or words of wisdom? Like I said, I am shy and quiet myself and by no means an expert on social skills. I'm not trying to force her to be something she is not but I do feel like it is time she comes out of her shell a little. I don't think there is any reason she can't manage a simple 'hello' or 'fine thank you' when someone asks how she is doing. Being shy myself, you'd think I'd know how to help her but unfortunately, I only know what NOT to do. Any advice?

 

[arminnie]

I'm not talking about being a little chatterbox like her sisters, but simply acknowledging people when they talk to her. Even if another child at the gym says 'hi' to her she refuses to answer or even look at the child. It is like she is in her own little world. Yesterday one persistant little boy kept saying 'hello' louder and louder yet she still refused to even look at him. I told her to answer the little boy, but she just refused. I've tried to explain to her that it makes people feel bad when she ignores them, but that doesn't seem to help.

Does anyone have any experience with this or words of wisdom?

No advice here, but I wanted to let you know that this was exactly what my younger sister was like. She was so shy that she would not speak to anyone. Once when she was a senior in high school a friend asked me if she was mute - i.e. she was unable to speak.

Today she works in outside sales and is Miss Chatterbox. She can (and does) talk to anyone. So I just wanted you to know that it can all work out eventually.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My youngest was a little on the shy side. We did alot of role playing with greetings and she would "practice" with people. First with people she knew and then when we would go out she would use the skills we taught her.

Takes practice and patience.

 

[DeluxePrincess]

I was shy myself and I hated when my mom told other people I was shy. It just seemed like it was a bad thing to be. When people gave me the "shy" label, I felt that was what I had to be. If that makes any sense. I outgrew that stage in around 5th grade. I just sort of became more outgoing as I grew older.

 

[Erie Islands]

I was shy myself and I hated when my mom told other people I was shy. It just seemed like it was a bad thing to be. When people gave me the "shy" label, I felt that was what I had to be.

I completely agree with that. I was a very shy child...teachers told my parents that I had a "problem" (1960's)...they knew that I was just shy. My advice-don't force her to not be shy-it will only make her want to hide into her "shell". Try to remember what it was like for you, how painful it was to not only be shy, but to have people talk to you. I grew out of it, too, but still remember vividly how painful it was. Just remember, your child doesn't want to be shy...this isn't some act she's putting on. Give her lots of love and security and that will go a long way.

 

[KimR]

Thanks for the responses. I do think I've made a mistake in labelling her as 'shy'. I was trying to NOT do what my parents did and assure her that it was perfectly fine if she was shy but in doing so, I think I'm contributing to the problem. THe thing is, she does fine in some situations where she seems to know what to expect. We never order for her in a restataurant - she tells the waiter what she wants and she will even go up and request crayons from the hostess (I would NEVER have done that as a child). She loves to answer the phone which is never a problem because she speaks very well and has excellent phone etiquette (once she realized that she could not hang up the phone to go find the person the caller wants to speak to!)

I think the problem is that when someone else initiates a conversation it feels intrusive to her even if it's a simple 'hi'. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone else but I can completely relate to that.

 

[mickeyboat]

I wonder if the best way to handle this is to lead by example. Do you initiate conversations with strangers? Do you say hi to people? Maybe if she saw you do this more often, she might follow suit.

Another thought is that we have spent so much time talking to our children about not talking to strangers, that we have scared them away from any contact with someone we don't know. Let your daughter know that it is o.k. to talk to people when you are around, or people that you saw are o.k. to talk to.

One more idea - I wonder if it is the age. I don't consider my girls shy at all, they will talk to almost anyone who will listen - store clerks, waitresses, etc. But if another child talks to them, they tend to clam up. I wonder if since starting school, they are still trying to figure out the social consequences of interacting with other children, and might not really know how to do it outside of their family setting or the structured school setting.

Denae

 

[minkydog]

It occurs to me that she gets no small amount of attention due to this behavior. She has turned herself into "the shy one" and challenges others, by her hiding behavior, to try to draw her out. Obviously she can turn it off when it suits her. I'm not saying she's not shy, but you might not want to bring attention to her behavior.So she's hiding behind your legs? So? Leave it alone. Just say, "This is my daugher, Sarah" and leave it at that. The more you attempt to coax her to speak, smile or recognize someone and the more she resists, the more attention she receives. She is probably not doing this consciously, but this kind of attention is negative.

I suggest you treat her like the rest of your kids. If she wants to hide behind your legs and you're comfortable with it, fine. Don't draw attention to it when she comes out or in any way act like she is doing something remarkable. Sooner or later she will realize that she can act like everyone else and will develop some other (positive)way of garnering attention.

 

[Vickie46]

my little girl will be 5 in January.. and she won't talk to anyone she doesn't know either.... she will talk to family, friends at school, teacher etc.. but not if she doesn't know you at all.. she dont' even want to take a cookie from the bakery .. you know the free one they give to kids... she wants the cookie but doesn't want to ask for it... she will say thank you now! Finally...

 

[JunieJay]

My oldest was shy when he was 4/5/6/7 but now he never shuts up.

I don't think I addressed it. I personally don't think being shy is a personality disorder, I like shy people. Probably because I'm such an open book. Opposites attract.

 

[KimR]

Wow, you all have really given me some food for thought, I appreciate it! It never occurred to me that she could be exaggerating her shyness because she likes the attention she gets from it . Although she's hardly attention-starved - far from it, but you know how kids like drama.

I don't want to give the wrong impression - I'm not really trying to change her or make her 'less shy'. It's more about manners and basic social skills.

And JunieJay, I think it's great that you like shy people! Hey, if your ever in the Atlanta area give me a call, we'd have a great time!

 

[taylor1293]

I have a 6 year old DD who is exactly like yours. She refuses to talk to most people. However, I've found that once she is in a social setting, such as school, she does better. But, the minute the bell rings, I'll see someone yell out the car window to her, "Bye A..." and she will turn the other way and refuse to wave and yell back. This can be someone she was chatting away with just 10 minutes ago. It's the weirdest (and most frustrating) thing!

She won't talk to adults she doesn't know at all. She'll bury her head or turn away. I guess I don't have to worry about her talking to strangers !

I've found that there really is no solution. I've tried everything from encouraging, to bribing, to punishing. Nothing works.

On the bright side, my oldest was a lot like her, not quite as extreme though, and she is 13 now and much more social and talkative!

I know for my DD it isn't an attention thing, as she doesn't like to be the center of attention. Actually, she finds it painful. Some people just don't understand that there are shy people who, for whatever reason, simply can't socialize the same way as others.

I'd say just give it time, she'll eventually open up when she is ready .

Teresa

 

[minkydog]

Wow, you all have really given me some food for thought, I appreciate it! It never occurred to me that she could be exaggerating her shyness because she likes the attention she gets from it . Although she's hardly attention-starved - far from it, but you know how kids like drama.

I wouldn't say she is exaggerating, at least not consciously. But somehow what she's doing is working for her. I just think you might want to downplay it, so she doesn't make her identity The Shy One.

I do understand shyness--I was a very shy child. My shyness extended into all areas--school,relatives, friends, church. I was so shy in nursing school I would have panic attacks when I had to meet and assess new patients. My teachers never thought I would be able to graduate. I've been a nurse for 29yrs and I give peds advice to total strangers for a living