Help! FIL Invited Himself on our trip!

[kkevcamsmom]

Glad you could work something out

Have a great vacation!!!

Lori

 

[pixiechick]

Forgive me for snipping some of your post in the interest of saving space-hopefully, I'll leave your comments in context!

When you offer something to someone, supposedly it is without strings attached.
To knowingly offer something to someone, and then to "take it away" is called an indian giver. At least that's what I thought growing up. It was also not a nice name to be called, so I never did it.

He didn't take it away though, did he? He attached terms to it that you didn't expect

Whether it is your condo, it doesn't matter, not at all. People make plans and graciously accept your offer. They are not planning on your being there. If they wanted you there, they would ask you.

Are you sure it wasn't his intention to spend the time with you from the being? Maybe he all of his offers have included him being there to vacation with you.

Family or not, it should make no difference.
Especially when my FIL sees how hard me and my husband work and he knew we were looking forward to this vacation for a while. He knowingly set the bait and trapped us.

You make think it makes no difference, but obviously he doesn't. As to "baiting and trapping you", I'm sorry you feel that way. Maybe he is, or maybe he's self centered enough (as you said earlier) that he just made assumptions that he'd be welcome. After all, it seems that every other family member on both sides has been welcomed on your vacations. Maybe he's malicious, maybe he's jealous/lonely?

Family are there to love and help you out - Unconditionally

Yep, but that goes for you too. Which includes a FIL that gets on your nerves.

Truly, I do understand your frustration. I think many of us have been in similar situations. In the end though, I'd rather give him, your children, and your DH the time together. Maybe I missed this but, how does DH feel about this? I know he feels uncomfortable being the one to talk to FIL. Does he actually want FIL to go?

I don't think anyone wants you to "get walked on" or have your vacation ruined. We just have the benefit of looking at the situation without any subjective opinions. Again, good luck!

 

[DebIreland]

One simply does not self invite, not to your party, not to your picnic and certainly not to your vacation. PERIOD!

Exactly!

 

[Annam26]

I'm assuming what youre saying here is that if your FIL does try to tag along then he's going to put a stop to this. Im glad you resolved your problems, but I must be the only one who finds this to be...wrong. You're literally going to put a stop at anytime your FIL wants to hang out with you guys...thats just wrong.

No you are not the only one. I feel the same way. Shutting him out completely would ruin my vacation. And I just can't imagine that his son will have a magical time this way. I thought rigs32 idea was briliant and the best solution possible. But it is the OP life and decision to make.

 

[gayles]

I feel your pain ------ But as my FIL has always said --- "Their is no such thing as a Free Lunch" Meaning there is a price to pay for what you thought was a Free - Condo ....

 

[Mickeygolf]

I'm really glad you have come to a decision that you and your husband seem comfortable with. But (there's that word again) I don't understand the way you have reacted to some of the posts who don't agree with you. The very last sentence of your original post says ok disers, I need your advice, what do you think. To me, that means you're asking for all advice, not just the ones that fit your idea.

We're all brought up differently and family members can rub us in ways that are unexplainable to many. But your last comment that family needs to be understanding and loving unconditionally is completely opposite of almost everything you've said about your FIL.

Like I said, I'm glad you have come to a conclusion of how you and your family will spend your vacation. I hope you guys have a really great time.

 

[JerseyGirl114]

I didn't have time to read all the posts but I did want to make a comment. My dad died when I was 20 and he never got the chance to meet his grandchildren. My FIL is now also gone. From your description he doesn't sound like the easiest individual to get along with, but suck it up and do it for the sake of your children.
I don't mean give him control over your vacation, just come up with something you can ALL agree on.

I hope everything works out for you and everyone has a terrific trip!

 

[luvthemouse71]

I agree with the people who think that ultimately, it's his condo, therefore you don't really have the right to tell him he can't be there. Also, from your post, it sounds like the bad blood between you two goes back quite a ways. So why didn't you suspect that accepting his offer to use the condo might open up another can of worms? IMHO, there is more than a little overreaction going on here, not just from you but your sil etc. Families aren't perfect and while your FIL does sound overbearing, people deal with far worse situations every day. Just use this as a learning experience and realize that people don't "owe" you anything in life-it's wonderful that your Grandpa was so good to you but you can't expect(as an adult) that everyone else should coddle you as well. My friend deals with a mom who is mentally ill and I've had close family members with alcohol problems-I still love these family members because they are family and I realize that we all have weaknesses and flaws in our character. Also, you can still spend private time with the hubby and kids. I'm sure your kids are looking foward to the trip and having you there as well. I think it's a little childish to say you'll cancel now because you don't like your FIL. You like him enough to go over there for holidays and to have him babysit(and please don't say he only stayed for a few hours-he still took time out of his day to help out), you can't expect people to be available when you need them and then to go hide somewhere when it's convenient for you. I will get flamed, I'm sure, but I think there is a maturity issue going on here. Most of us work fulltime, raise kids, go to school and often, it's all 3 at once-it's called being a grownup.

 

[ToontownPrincess]

How rude is it to ask to use someone's condo and then tell them you don't want to be around them?



I think that's a bit harsh. It sounds to me like the FIL offered the place to them. The OP didn't force anything on him. If the FIL offered to let them borrow the condo and made no indication that he would be joining them (before hand) I think the OP has every right to be upset about the situation. I can understand the intrusion of family and I think the OP has the right to want to have a vacation without her FIL. A vacation should be enjoyable! After working so hard all year long it's only fair that the OP should get to relax on her own vacation the way she pleases.

 

[dulluth]

Corryn

I feel bad for your situation, and all the changes you have had to make. You obviously have some real bitterness toward the FIL that you are not able to see yourself getting beyond. Changes being made, you should be able to find time for your "family only" activities, but I would try to do some things with the FIL, and try to do it with joy ... you might find that, like Plutoluvr (sp), some very special memories could be made. It takes so much energy to be angry ... I think you should take a deep breath and focus on happiness for the trip rather than dreading spending time with the FIL ... praying about these situations always helps me, too! Good luck, and I hope you are pleasantly surprised with good memories!

 

[KatheeME]

So I get it. You have no proble eating his food at his barbq or staying in his Free condo, but justdont want to spend time with him. You are selfish and not a very good wife for even asking your husband to tell his father he is not wanted. YOU DONT WANT HIM THERE YOU TELL HIM.

what???????????? Did you not read a single thing she wrote? ohmygawd, please go back and read!

 

[KatheeME]

I am glad it worked for you, enough so that you sound like you are looking forward to going again! I still hope your fil gets lost .. good luck!

Thanks for the responses, everyone. I can't believe how many posts this thread got. I'm really doing a report for my English class and....Just kidding

When I returned home this afternoon, my husband and I sat in our bedroom and neither one was angry, we just started to discuss what was going on.
It seems my husband feels as I do, but he just didn't want to say anything.

He told me he has been looking forward to his Anniversary Gift vacation (which I forgot, and it was also an Easter gift to my kids!) and has been thinking about what to do. He also agreed that he did not want to stay in my FIL's condo for the four days if FIL is going to be there, and would I mind staying for two nights and for the other two nights, we'll stay at the Animal Kingdom Lodge, where DH has been wanting to stay since it opened.

It was a really nice heart to heart discussion. I didn't know he was looking forward to this as much as I was. He also said that we have to sit down tomorrow and make an itinerary (which some of you smart DIS'ers suggested) mapping out our every day. He said he is going to tell his father when we get down there that we've decided to do more in Orlando, that is the reason for only two nights, not four.
He also said that he think we'll have a good time at MNSSHP and if we see him for two days on the weekend and one day during the week, he will make sure that if his father tries to tag along, he will immediately put a stop to it and tell him we already have plans.
Another thing I forgot about: My husband's cousins from his mother's side want to hang out with us while in Orlando. If my FIL finds out that his ex-wife's neices and nephews will be with us, he's not going to want to tag along.

I thank God that my husband took my worries into consideration. As far as my SIL goes, he said she can deal with it because she booked her trip Knowing my FIL was going and she has to figure out her own way to avoid her father tagging along.

I have to say that I really can't believe the amount of responses to this post. It is amazing that when you think no one understands your position, there are so many who really do.
I also appreciate the responses who did not agree with me, it really opened my eyes. When you're angry with something, you tend to have tunnel-vision, thinking only one way and not wanting to hear anything else.

So now I am putting my faith in my husband. He knows how I feel, I didn't "make" him have a confrontation with my FIL and he soothed my "fears".
He's a great husband and I'm very lucky to have him.

Thanks again
P.S. I loved hearing all your stories, they were really interesting!!!!!

 

[badblackpug]

I have to agree with the majority...I think you are being quite selfish. To expect to use his condo free of charge, then tell him he is not invited? Although what you have described of your FIL, he seems a bit needy he doesn't seem like a bad person. Maybe his IS jealous of your relationship with other family members. Maybe his is lonely...friends are no substitute for family. Whatever way it is, you should thank your higher power, hevenly being, whatver, that you have a grandfather willing to be involved with his grandchildren. I would take, AND PAY FOR, my parents on any trip that they wanted to join us on, whether they invited themselves or not! My husbands parents are in the Middle East, and because of politics he will probably never lay eyes on them again in his lifetime...........

You should be eternally gratefull.

 

[KatheeME]

woa ... What can you possibly mean that you may have been raised differently? What does that have to do with knowing your family well enough to know what will happen? Being related by blood or marriage gives NO ONE the right to take advantage of you!

I'm assuming what youre saying here is that if your FIL does try to tag along then he's going to put a stop to this. Im glad you resolved your problems, but I must be the only one who finds this to be...wrong. You're literally going to put a stop at anytime your FIL wants to hang out with you guys...thats just wrong. I would never (no matter how annoying they are) do that to any of my family members. I guess its because we come from different backgrounds and were raised differently...but I just dont see how you can take your family to the 'Happiest Place on Earth' a place where families come together and have a great time when you have this sort of attitude. We'll see how much fun you can have when you're at the parks knowing that you had to ask your FIL to stay behind because you didn't want him to join you...if that doesn't weigh heavy on your conscience then that might say more about you than what meets the eye.

 

[mking624]

I still hope your fil gets lost .. good luck!

Wow, that's....mature.

 

[KatheeME]

Wow, that's....mature.

Evidently you have not had someone in your family that has caused you great pain and/or frustration, to say the least. Why many of you keep harping on the fact that he is family is beyond me. Family DOES come first for me, but unfortunately I must have been out of the line when all the perfect ones were given out. The OP KNOWS her fil and knows his intent. As for being mature, surely you can read between the lines of my statement, a MATURE person could! Have a nice day mking

 

[Bill From PA]

I'm beginning to wonder what I'm missing here. The OP is being advised that "there is a price to pay for what you thought was a Free - Condo "

No, a gift is a gift, and IF there are to be strings attached, that has to be stated up front.

Also, "If you wanted to borrow your FIL's condo - then expect it to be a FAMILY thing."

Well the OP didn't covet this condo and lobby for it. She says "They have been saying for the past two years we are more than welcome to utilize it. "

So we have a DISer who would be going to WDW in any case, a relative has been offering his condo FOR TWO YEARS, with no mention of conditions, and the offer is accepted.

The next time they're together, "Anyway, the next night we went over to my FIL's house to barbeque and he proclaims, I just booked our flight today, we're gonna have a great time!"

You just don't do this! Not only did he hijack this vacation, he burned his bridges by booking the flight before making the announcement, the one expense which is non-refundable, or nearly so. Am I the only one here who thinks this was calculated? Why not announce at the B-B-Que, 'I'm booking my flight tomorrow, we're going to have a great time"?
Or better yet, this offer,"I'd love to do a week at WDW with you guys, and please be my guest at my condo, when's good for you"?


I've taken my entire extended family from my mom to my grand daughters to WDW once and my 3 kids, their husband/BF/GF and children several times. These were great times and we'll do them again, but only when all know, and all agree, that it's time to do it. These trips are not cheap, there's high expectations for them and the OP, and everyone else for that matter, should not have to make 'lemonade out of lemons'. The FIL was/is out of line, and that's that.

Bill From PA

 

[mking624]

Evidently you have not had someone in your family that has caused you great pain and/or frustration, to say the least. Why many of you keep harping on the fact that he is family is beyond me. Family DOES come first for me, but unfortunately I must have been out of the line when all the perfect ones were given out. The OP KNOWS her fil and knows his intent. As for being mature, surely you can read between the lines of my statement, a MATURE person could! Have a nice day mking

"Evidently" you don't know me or my family, so don't assume you know what frustrations I have and have not been through. My family has been through MUCH worse than an inlaw dropping in on his own property.
I know to read between the lines, but I also know how to state things that aren't stooping down to someone else's level.

 

[mking624]

I'm beginning to wonder what I'm missing here. The OP is being advised that "there is a price to pay for what you thought was a Free - Condo "

No, a gift is a gift, and IF there are to be strings attached, that has to be stated up front.

Also, "If you wanted to borrow your FIL's condo - then expect it to be a FAMILY thing."

Well the OP didn't covet this condo and lobby for it. She says "They have been saying for the past two years we are more than welcome to utilize it. "

So we have a DISer who would be going to WDW in any case, a relative has been offering his condo FOR TWO YEARS, with no mention of conditions, and the offer is accepted.

The next time they're together, "Anyway, the next night we went over to my FIL's house to barbeque and he proclaims, I just booked our flight today, we're gonna have a great time!"

You just don't do this! Not only did he hijack this vacation, he burned his bridges by booking the flight before making the announcement, the one expense which is non-refundable, or nearly so. Am I the only one here who thinks this was calculated? Why not announce at the B-B-Que, 'I'm booking my flight tomorrow, we're going to have a great time"?
Or better yet, this offer,"I'd love to do a week at WDW with you guys, and please be my guest at my condo, when's good for you"?


I've taken my entire extended family from my mom to my grand daughters to WDW once and my 3 kids, their husband/BF/GF and children several times. These were great times and we'll do them again, but only when all know, and all agree, that it's time to do it. These trips are not cheap, there's high expectations for them and the OP, and everyone else for that matter, should not have to make 'lemonade out of lemons'. The FIL was/is out of line, and that's that.

Bill From PA

Perhaps "that's that" for you, but not for others. The point here is the OP wanted to know what others thought...this wasn't a thread where only people who felt the same were welcome to reply.

 

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!]

woa ... What can you possibly mean that you may have been raised differently? What does that have to do with knowing your family well enough to know what will happen? Being related by blood or marriage gives NO ONE the right to take advantage of you!

If my FIL invited me to stay at his condo and I would have accepted the first thing I would have asked is if he would want to join us. Thats the way *I* was raised...I always put my family members who are willing to offer us things ahead of myself. Sorry if you disagree, but thats how I am. Obviouosly, my FIL could answer two ways: "sure, Id love to go with you guys!" or "no thanks, as much as Id love to I cant this time around"...now if I didnt want him to go in the first place, I would be a bit irked that he decided to go...but family is family and it always comes first to me. Im willing to bite the bullet to hang out with someone after they graciously offered me something. Yeah, it stinks that the FIL invited himself, things would've been smoother for the OP without that...but whats done is done, youre going to Disney World!!!...just accept it as it is and have a great time.

Never in the OP have I felt that the FIL is necessarily taking advantage of them. He noticed that theyre going to Disney and he decided it would be nice if he could join them...it would have been better if he asked first, but he didnt...maybe he wanted to surprise them and he figured his surprise wouldve made everyone happy because they have more family going with them. Its not like the OP is going with just her family, shes meeting up with other family members too...why exclude the FIL someone who so graciously offered them a place to stay?

And its not the whole situation of the FIL inviting himself that bothers me...its the fact that OP expresses how she loves her family unconditionally but yet at the same time she makes it seem like FIL is carrying a plague that shes doing everything she can to avoid. Sorry, thats just not family to me.

I really dont have much more to say...just my 2cents.