Help! FIL Invited Himself on our trip!

[njchris]

I'd say there are 2 choices:

1) Tell him how you feel and risk problems from now on.

2) let him come. It's not like this is just a family only vacation. The SIL is going too, right? however, I would tell him you have made many plans and he is welcome to do something else if he doesn't want to do all the same things, but be firm in stating that you have things planned out and aren't changing them.

You *could* let yourself have a good time, I think. It's all in your power how you LET him make you feel.

 

[PlutoLuvr]

Well said PlutoLuvr!

Thank you

I hope if the OP decides to let her FIL join in their vacation, it's as magical for her as it was for me.

 

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!]

Thank you

I hope if the OP decides to let her FIL join in their vacation, it's as magical for her as it was for me.

Me too. Time to trash my Team Aniston tshirt for a Team FIL shirt.

Kidding, I dont have a Team Aniston shirt...or do I???

 

[HopperFan]

...and I would be bouncing off the ceiling

Love my inlaws (most of them) but if they had done this I would also be upset. They gave you a gift, then took it back.

1) I would book myself somewhere else, and like the others said simply say thanks for the offer but you got a great deal or you will not impose. Done deal ! For the sake of a good trip do not allow him to talk you into staying there. Sounds like that would be the beginning of the end.

2) At Disney, you are already traveling with his daughters family, SO unfortunately there is no real way to tell him not to come. (not like it was just your family) Keep your plans as is!! He invited himself, it will be his decision to do what you want or not. BUT it sounds like from his history he will join you at times and then probably just go off or leave. If you have ADRs that do not include him, don't change them. We've been to WDW with others and they had ADR and we didn't. Just offer to meet somewhere for ice cream later or the fireworks if in a park. Maybe they show and maybe they don't. Good friends and family do not ask you to change your plans.

We went with family one time and excited about trip, and it turned difficult on a daily basis. At a park we finally said we wanted to split up because we wanted to do more attractions than them. Their kids wanted to go with us, so guess what, they picked up the pace and got on the rides. No one says you must stick together. We go with lots of other folks and it is clear up front, no rule says we must stay together. We just make plans to meet all during the trip and it works out great.

Get a new place in lieu of condo days, keep your plans, and enjoy the trip ! Don't allow him to drag you down or bum you out. He'll either buck up and enjoy, or go off on his own !

Hakuna Matata !

 

[TinkerbellMama]

Whaaaaaaaat? No way! Im gonna be a bitter old man, no time for any of that tom foolery. I'll go whereever as I please!

 

[TinkerbellMama]

We do a lot of travelling just our family, we take many long weekends together. My parents LOVE Disney and Love all of us, I would never deny them the joy of coming on the trip with us. Watching them enjoy my children is a gift to myself as well as my kids.

Oh, then I misunderstood. I naturally assumed you ONLY vacation at WDW. So, have you sought help for your infidelity to Mickey yet?

 

[robinb]

By one of your posts, I see that you have been stewing over this for two months. If you were to set your FIL straight it should have been right away. Not two months later. I think you should just suck it up and make the best out of the trip. You risk alienating your husbands family and your husband himself.

FWIW, my next trip will be with my step-father. I love him and he is generally a nice guy but he hates, no detests, Walt Disney World. He claims it is one giant store. My mom makes him go and he drags his butt sighing like a martyr from one smoking area to the next. He won't go on any rides or shows and he rolls his eyes when my mom shops. He basically makes himself into the biggest PITA he can. The last time we went as an extended family was five years ago. It was my sister's family (her, DH, 3 kids) our family (me, DH, DD) and my mom and step-father and we stayed at the Contemporary Resort. We nicknamed him "Mr. Poophead" because he was such a PITA and a downer to everyone. Nothing pleased him. I have no clue why she wants him at WDW with her, but she does and it's a family Grand Gathering so he's coming along. Am I looking forward to it? Nope. Will I suck up and deal with it? You bet. For some reason it makes my mom happy to have him there and that's what family is all about. Sucking it up to make others happy.

 

[lsjones]

I'm afraid that I agree with robinb, with this much time elapsed it's too late to cancel or uninvite him without starting a family feud.

Sorry that you have to deal with this situation but I think you are stuck.

Leslie

 

[Step]

I think the main issue here is that most of us are raised differently from each other. Many of the responses you are getting are coming from people with the same general mind set. We have different ideas about family and money and such.

Personally I think if SIL is coming than to exclude FIL would be wrong. It's alright to want family time, but to use someone's space for free, kind of means you owe them something... and a little quality time won't hurt.

However, how you feel about this issues is not wrong either. It's just that you have a different view on the issues.

It's like my father, he seems to think you should be polite when you are visiting someone and act however you want when they visit you. I am totally opposite from this (think i got it from my mom's side of the famil). Needless to say when he visits my house things are pleasant.. and when I visit him we fight. lol.

 

[intrep93]

I guess maybe I'm not getting the whole picture here. Are you paying for your FIL's tickets? and if so, why??? You said "now that we're paying" he wants to be included - so are you paying for him too? I definitely wouldn't have done that, but again - after 2 months it's a little late to do anything about it now. And maybe you don't do disney like we do disney. I didn't see how old your kids are, but we leave our hotel by 7 in the morning and don't come back until after park closing. We wouldn't be at the condo enough to even notice him. I wouldn't alter your park touring plans for him, just tell him your itinerary and he can either join you or not. He probably won't want to be with you every second anyway. Let us know what you decide to do and how it all works out, but be careful about alienating your FIL for your DH's and kids sake. Time is precious and even rotten old folks are missed once they are gone

 

[HodagCatLady]

You need to make the best decision for your ENTIRE family. Unfortunately, I think you are probably stuck on this one. Just remember that it only has to happen ONCE! Strike up a compromise with your husband - he doesn't need to tell his father no on this one if he promises that all future vacations will be planned in complete secret so your FIL has no time to make plans. And make sure you take plenty of pictures of your FIL on this trip!

 

[JennyDrake]

I'm also not the biggest fan of my in-laws, but I think you are over reacting. I understand that you are hurt and he is not pleasant, but you ARE using HIS house. And you have your husband and children to consider as well--don't ruin it for them.

So you never asked them for anything before?? Big deal. Most of us didn't. Both our families could have helped hubby and me, but they didn't and in the long run, I feel we are better people with a stronger marriage as a result.

So SMILE, DECIDE to have a good tim regardles, and be blessed with Pixie Dust!

 

[KatheeME]

Well said! I had a sil invite herself on our trip 2 years ago. She lives in Florida. It started as one night, then two, then all 8! The point was and is that it was to be a vaca for dh and I PERIOD. My dh didn't want to hurt her feelings, but let me tell you, it's not going to happen again. She made no bones about being able to stay with us for only the $10 extra a night, and more more reasons, all of them about HER .... Stand your ground!!!!!!

Thanks again for the responses...
But I'm just curious....

If someone continually told you to utilize their condo and that owner had no plans whatsoever to be down there at that time,

You take them up on the offer, hoping for some quality time alone with your immediate family....

The next day that person surprises you and informs you they booked a trip around your trip....

I understand everyone's position with regards to causing a rift in the family,
but do you understand that we feel we were tricked?

I really feel we were.

If I had a condo and I told my family that they were more than welcome to use it, I would Never, not in a Million Years, call them up after they made concrete plans to tell them I would be staying there as well.
I am adult enough to realize obviously they want to spend time together as a family, and only if they persisted in asking me to join them would I.

I am a believer in giving my guests their space.

Family or not, that is rude.

As far as needing the place, we do not need to stay there, not at all. I do not mind shelling out a couple more hundred dollars for alternate accomodations.
As far as letting my father in law take advantage, that is something my husband and his sister have let him do.
My sister in law is also going bonkers over this, and she's not even staying in his condo.
And my husband is also not happy about this, but he deals with things well.
So the man's own children feel he has imposed.

I have not let the man take advantage of me, and that's why, this time, now that I am involved, I'm pissed.
It's not childish, it's standing up for myself as a responsible adult who works hard and goes to school and deserves a vacation alone with the family. There were many times when he has tried to take advantage of me and I have stuck up for myself. He was pissed, but he got over it.

If the guy invited himself over my house, which he does, I don't say anything because he is there to see the girls, but honestly? He doesn't hang out with the girls, the girls go and do their own thing. He hangs out with us. Do I kick him out? Never.

As far as Grampa spending quality time with the kids down in Disney, the kids have approached him on that subject many times when he talks about jetting down to his place, and he's always had some excuse. But now that we're going and we're paying, well, that's a different story. Between FIL and his wife, they make a very comfortable salary, even on retirement - but we do not take advantage, never have asked for a penny, never....
As far as the kids are concerned, they are great kids. I used to get complimented on them when they were younger whenever we went out to eat, and even his friends have complimented on how well behaved they are.

Like I said, I'm not speaking of a poor old sap, I'm talking about a man who is used to getting his way, and takes advantage of people's feelings. It's not HIS vacation that will be ruined if something is said, It's OUR and My vacation that will be ruined if something isn't said.

I appreciate the responses, I really do. The ones I don't agree with are grounding me, but then I get upset all over again thinking about it. I mean, I would be stuck in a tiny bedroom for four nights, and I can't even walk around without my bra on!

 

[HopperFan]

From some of the responses I thought maybe I misunderstood, but in reading the OP posts I am understanding........

She is a family of 4 with two being teenage girls. They had plans to go to their timeshare in Orlando and have a Disney trip with SIL family, who will be at DVC. They decided to accept the FIL offer and go a few days early so that their family could have some private quality time. They would be borrowing the FIL's CONDO, not house on the West Coast of Florida for four days. This portion being their private family, let your hair down (walk around in your bra ) kinda time.

FIL then decides that he and his wife (does not sound like MIL) will join the four of them in the CONDO making virtually six adults. (12 and 13 girls are adults in their need for space and privacy) I just got back from a week in a good sized condo at the beach with my immediate family and no way could we have handled two more. Also my DM and her husband have a very large condo in FL but we never go when they are there, because it is not enough for a family with teens to add a parent and their spouse. I am extremely tight with my family.....and I wouldn't do it.

Again, keep your vacation, only move the private family days out of his condo to a resort, where you can enjoy time with your DH and DDs. Tell him you look forward to seeing him at WDW ! That keeps his trip in place, your trip in place, SIL trip in place and a small family gathering at WDW........where hopefully magic will happen

 

[Corryn]

From some of the responses I thought maybe I misunderstood, but in reading the OP posts I am understanding........

She is a family of 4 with two being teenage girls. They had plans to go to their timeshare in Orlando and have a Disney trip with SIL family, who will be at DVC. They decided to accept the FIL offer and go a few days early so that their family could have some private quality time. They would be borrowing the FIL's CONDO, not house on the West Coast of Florida for four days. This portion being their private family, let your hair down (walk around in your bra ) kinda time.

FIL then decides that he and his wife (does not sound like MIL) will join the four of them in the CONDO making virtually six adults. (12 and 13 girls are adults in their need for space and privacy) I just got back from a week in a good sized condo at the beach with my immediate family and no way could we have handled two more. Also my DM and her husband have a very large condo in FL but we never go when they are there, because it is not enough for a family with teens to add a parent and their spouse. I am extremely tight with my family.....and I wouldn't do it.

Again, keep your vacation, only move the private family days out of his condo to a resort, where you can enjoy time with your DH and DDs. Tell him you look forward to seeing him at WDW ! That keeps his trip in place, your trip in place, SIL trip in place and a small family gathering at WDW........where hopefully magic will happen

You are correct. I appreciate those who see my side and I do understand everything everyone else says, I'm not a cavewoman

To be honest with you, the reason why I am so upset now is because I was visiting my SIL yesterday and she was upset. I asked her why and she went off.
She said that us staying with dad is one thing (on the west coast) but now he's made reservations for his timeshare in Orlando and that's another. She also works, she also has two teen kids and she said she is looking forward to spending time with her friend who lives on the other side of the world and spending time with her sister in law.

She is the kind of person that will drop everything to please her father, and she has made it clear she will not do that this trip.

Soooo....she has really put this on my shoulders. She usually fights with her dad over a lot of things (Like I said, he is very imposing) and she said now it's time for my brother to open his mouth. Of course, all this going on made me realize exactly How Much time he will be spending with us, which really ticked me off even more...

My FIL is not the type to give us any space, and like another poster, he'll turn the vacation into what he wants to do. I am a gracious host at home, but when I'm spending thousands of dollars (which yes, that does matter, especially when I'm working so hard) for a vacation, I want to enjoy it the way me and my husband and my kids want to enjoy it.


My FIL turned four days at his condo (which I have decided I'm definitely going to extend our time in Orlando at our timeshare) into an 8-day vacation all together. With his plans to stay at His timeshare indicates to us that he is planning on hanging out with us the whole time. He hasn't said it, but it's obvious.

My grandfather was the most selfless individual I ever met. He was shot in the head and ran over by a tank and has taught me to be an understanding person, but he also taught me never to be taken advantage of.
This man, my children's grandfather, is anything but. It is upsetting to me that my kids cannot have that kind of relationship with their grandfather (including my father) because they are so self-absorbed with their own lives. Another example: My FIL takes them once a year to his yacht club Christmas party. He takes them for TWO HOURS then drops them back home. Why? To show his friends, hey, look at me, I'm a great grandfather, I took my grandkids to the party!

If you want the love of your family, you should love your family. Just because you bore children does not give you the unconditional right to their love and respect. You have to give it to get it in return. I respect my children, even when they were babies. I always have.

But when you ignore them, when you don't answer their calls for help (like working on the house, etc.) even though your children "expected" to help you when you need it....
when you don't extend yourself to form a relationship with your grandkids, then why, all of a sudden, because You decide you want to have a good time, why should I stop the world and let you do what you want? Because you're my father? Wrong. That's a Big Negative.
That's what's happening here.

We are not spending every day with my SIL. She is doing her own thing with her family and we planned on doing ours. She has plans made just like I do. My SIL's fear is that now that her father is using His Timeshare in Orlando, she will feel obligated to hang out with him.

I do understand the whole sappy notion of get-togethers when someone is sick or they're getting old, I really do. But this is a man who puts his friends, and his other son, in front of DH and SIL. He visits with us when he wants to. If the kids call him for anything or DH or SIL needs him for something he makes himself scarce. That is why I feel so strongly. Here is just another (more expensive) example of him imposing himself on us.

I am very unhappy I have to argue with my husband about this. I'm on my way home now and it's not looking good.

BTW, I told DH and SIL that I would say something to FIL and they both said, No, it's not my place. SIL says DH should do it, DH thinks SIL should do it.

So it's not one big happy family vacation, we're just meeting each other for Halloween Horror nights and MNSSHP. The other six days we're going it alone.

Thanks again for the responses. I really feel they are helping me become grounded.

 

[Zip-a-dee-dude-da]

So I get it. You have no proble eating his food at his barbq or staying in his Free condo, but justdont want to spend time with him. You are selfish and not a very good wife for even asking your husband to tell his father he is not wanted. YOU DONT WANT HIM THERE YOU TELL HIM.

 

[kimbac3]

I am very unhappy I have to argue with my husband about this. I'm on my way home now and it's not looking good.

Just wanted to say "Good Luck!!"
Kimba

 

[TinkerbellMama]

So I get it. You have no proble eating his food at his barbq or staying in his Free condo, but justdont want to spend time with him. You are selfish and not a very good wife for even asking your husband to tell his father he is not wanted. YOU DONT WANT HIM THERE YOU TELL HIM.

Some people have no sense of boundaries.

 

[Mouse-n-Mini]

My parents and I used my grandma's condo in Ft. Meyers one year. She was there when we came down and it was quite uncomfortable. People (especially older ones) get set in their ways and even when they say come on down and visit- a lot of times they don't really expect that you're actually going to come. Your FIL probably wants to know exactly what's going on while you're at his home. I don't have any advice, but if your husband tells him you don't want him on your vacation, then he will most likely withdraw his offer for you to use his condo. I would say this- you know, we aren't going to need your condo after all, the kids said they'd rather stay on property and so we'll do that and just meet you the one night at MNSSHP, then go our separate ways.

 

[mking624]

My grandfather was the most selfless individual I ever met. He was shot in the head and ran over by a tank and has taught me to be an understanding person, but he also taught me never to be taken advantage of.
This man, my children's grandfather, is anything but. It is upsetting to me that my kids cannot have that kind of relationship with their grandfather (including my father) because they are so self-absorbed with their own lives. Another example: My FIL takes them once a year to his yacht club Christmas party. He takes them for TWO HOURS then drops them back home. Why? To show his friends, hey, look at me, I'm a great grandfather, I took my grandkids to the party!

One thing you have to remember is that your FIL is not your grandfather. It's unfair to make comparisons...they're not the same person, they're not going to act the same way. You'll never be able to appreciate your FIL if you're always comparing him to someone else. I understand yuor relationship to your grandfather...I was incredibly close with mine and he was also very selfless. And I don't have the best relationship with my FIL. But I can't compare the two...it wouldn't be fair to either of them. As for the party...don't sweat his motivations...the kids aren't going to look back at it and despise him for that...what they're going to remember is that he took them. That's what's the important thing here. I have an aunt & uncle who took me to my first WDW vacation when I was little. My parents couldn't have afforded it. Knowing the way they are, I KNOW that part of the reason was to be "look how great we are taking her to WDW" because they certainly never visited us or anything outside of that. But you know what? I don't care. It was the fact that they did care enough to take me...even if there was some poor motivation behind it. As a result, I found my favorite vacation spot in the world.

There's always a positive to be seen. I would be more upset if he refused to be a part of your life at all. But he is a part of it...as awkward as the situation is. I have some family that is pretty selfish...but even so, they're still family.