Help! Affair Partner will be my child's stepmom.

[kniquy]

Unfortunately life happens and it doesn't always go as planned. If you trust that your ex is a good father, you would hope that he would also watch out for your daughter and make sure that there is no tension between your daughter and the new wife. This girl will not take your place, but will hopefully be a positive in your daughters life. you need to have open conversations with your daughter to let her know that if there is anything that she is not happy with that she needs to speak to her father or to you.

I have a similar situation where my boys do not like their fathers girlfriend - she has even tried to weezle her (and her two boys) way into his house and wanted to play house during her time off in the summer (a teacher) my boys (older than your daughter) don't like her and i have encouraged them to discuss with their father their concerns. I have told them to write down their concerns so that they can sit down and discuss them. When the time comes they always forget to discuss certain things. We (me and the ex) have a pretty good relationship and I have told him that the boys are not fond of her and that he need to talk to them before he makes any movement in their relationship/living situations. My boys have outright told their father that if she moves in that they would be staying with me full time, but they actually tried to be nice and made it sound like their issue was with her kids and not her.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Well, I'm not OP but I had a very similar circumstance. Ex walked out when my oldest was 4 and the baby was one week before turning 1. He didn't want the whole "family" thing. He didn't want the responsibility of a home, kids, wife and dog. . He had an affair with an international intern at work, as well as other "relationships". I met a new man and eventually got married and had another child. He partied, bought a fast car, developed new friendships based on gong out drinking etc. He started eating pizza and burgers out for every meal. He thought he was having a great time. Then he lost his license due to so many speeding tickets, he got the intern pregnant, and then he had a massive heart attack, and nearly died at 35.
When he told me he was having another baby I had to ask him who the mother was , because there were so many options. He started crying and asked me what he should do. I told him he had to marry her if he wanted a relationship with this new child because otherwise she would go back home and he would never see the child again. For what it was worth, I could tell she loved or at least was infatuated him. And she was very young and naive. They got married and quickly had another child. He continued to have affairs and although I don't know that she ever figured any of that out, she has left him at least twice, this last time leaving the kids with him. Now she is coming back to the US with her mother who is moving in with them. So now, the guy that didn't want the family, has 4 kids- 2 living with him, and a mother- in -law (and dog) in a new house complete with picket fence.
He spends his weekends mowing the lawn and taking care of babies while she goes to Yoga. He sneaks in partying when he comes to visit my girls, often leaving a day earlier or staying a few extra days after seeing them.
I never really blamed her for the affair, though I did question her morals, because this was a guy that was going to do this anyway. And over time seeing that he continues to have affairs, really means it had nothing to do with me, it was all him all along.
I hold no ill will towards the new wife, she is getting her own punishment by tying herself to him. They both call me for advice from time to time , and my husband and I jokingly (privately)call them our"bad children". I do what I can to encourage them, because my girls adore their little siblings, and I know it would break their hearts if they couldn't see them anymore. I am always polite and nice to the new wife because of them. I want her to treat them well. and to still have a friendly relationship with me when their relationship breaks apart, so my kids will not lose out. At first it was very hard, but now I am, honestly, fond of her , and very fond of their kids. In the event of their death, I am actually their Guardian. My kids have dozens of photos of all of their siblings together, and I have babysat their little sister and brother. They run to hug me and my son every time they see me, and I think they view us as extended family. It's weird but it works, and my kids may have one of the very best "broken" homes would could have managed.

You are an amazing person!

TC

 

[livie1205]

Time for a little reality check, ladies. if this actually happened to you, there is an extremely small chance you would or could get away with kidnapping your child - you would most likely be caught immediately and end up in prison - is that how you want your child's life to be managed? In the full custody of your ex and his new spouse? It's very easy to say this sort of stuff when it's not happening to you, but the reality is -

You are not going to be able to dictate ANYTHING that happens to your child while he is in his father's custody. No bedtimes, no homework, no food choices - nothing. As long as the other parent is meeting minimum requirements, what happens at dad's house doesn't have to follow any of the same rules as mom's house. That is the cold, hard truth of the matter.

If you think your ex should spend his weekend with your child because he doesn't see him very often, but your ex decides to play golf all weekend and leave your son with the stepmother, you have no say - it's his weekend and he can dictate where your child is and who takes care of him.

Get used to this fact and be thankful for anything that does end up going your way. If your ex has made the decision to break up the family and stop parenting with you, he is not going to suddenly do it your way when he is no longer married to you. In fact, if he knows something will get your goat, he's likely to do it his way to just to tick you off. Understand this and react accordingly.

As for how to treat her, again, time for a little reality check. If you really behaved in a way that made the new wife run every time she saw you, you'd be in court again and you'd likely end up losing more custody because you'd be seen as unstable.

Here is what you want to do - ignore as much as possible and be bland about everything else. Yes, you are going to yell and scream - but you're going to do it privately or on the phone to your best friend. In public, you want people to say, "I can't believe how gracefully you have handled this situation. I really admire you." Because, in the end, that is what your children need - a mother who shows them how to handle something gracefully and move on to a happy life. My motto is and has been, "It never hurts to be the person about whom the nicer things are said."

Many hugs to you - take good care of yourself and be kind to yourself as often as possible. From now on it's about raising your child and becoming once again a strong and happy woman. You CAN do it.


I know how much this hurts you - if you had added the phrase "Oh, yes, and she was my best friend for ten years" you would have had my situation. She was my age, not 20, but we had daughters the same age who were best friends (and are now stepsisters.) I can promise yout hat both you and your ex will end up witht he relatiosnhip you create with your child ow - so be the loving, stable parent. Talk to your child about your rules and make sure he understands what happens at daddy's is daddy's business, but your house is yours. I can promise you that enough years of this will guarantee you a loving and close relationship with your son after the magic age of 18, and will almost certainly guarantee that dad is no longer much of a force in your son's life.

THANK YOU ! I don't know the laws everywhere but Florida is a no fault divorce state, does not matter if someone has 10 affairs .If you let it get to you and try to poison the child against this new step parent you may end up on the naughty list with a judge ...and would not win you any more custody . If you alienate this women from the children and it ends up damaging the relationship with their father also you can get into a bit of trouble for parental alienation, it's just not worth it.
I would recommend you finding a healthy way to deal with this because any nasty issues between parents ( and step parents ) does end up getting dumped on the kids ... What if they end up liking their new step parent but because of your hatred they start feeling like they have to hide that? I am a step parent and while was not in this type situation the BM used every trick in the book to make my SS hate me but it just ended up making us closer and he would come to his father and I with issues first because his mom always acted so bitter .

 

[LovesTimone]

Get the best divorce attorney you can. very important... don't leave anything to chance, or you will be sorry later and its harder to get something added in a decree. Make sure to cover Christmas, and major holidays. Summer break, and above all additional support $$$ for things such as soccer, baseball camp, boy scouts, music lesson, band fees as he gets older team sports cost a lot, field trips, prom, home coming, graduation - while these things seem far off in reality they are not, your planning for your child's future. Address a college fund, as well as some type of life insurance on your ex payable to your son in case something was to happen. Secure any business, money and spousal support for yourself. Did you help him build the business? Then you are entitled to some of the rewards. While hard to keep your feelings at bay, you have to put your business brain in and think about the big picture.

When I got divorced from my DD biological father, in the decree that only he (ex) or his parents could pick up and drop off my DD, and that at no time was she to be left with a babysitter except for grandparents, and if he had an emergency at work, and was called in, that he had to notify me and arrange for either his parents ( grandparents) to watch her, or meet me so that I could pick her up. My thought is if its his weekend... its his weekend, not time for him to go play golf, go fishin, or whatever, what's the purpose of getting the kids if you are going to just dump them off. He has his off weekends to do what he wants.

Keep a calendar of when he doesn't show up, picks up late, brings home early, cancels, needs to switch weekends and such. I called it "my just I case". It was important when my ex decided to take me back into court because he said that wasn't letting him see our DD, boy was he surprised when my attorney started going over the calendar, and on top of it, the judge saw that I had not gotten a cost of living increase in my support, and I got more Child support which was nice, and I was even asking for anything.. Karma

Counseling for you both you and your son.

Also you need to address the wedding, how should your son be handled, his feelings are important. He is not just some cute accessory for her wedding, who will be watching him, before during and after, bring him home.. This is so important you don't someone who has been drinking half the night bring your son home. This happened to my friend and she had to go to the hospital to get her son, thankfully he wasn't hurt, just scared, and on top of it he did not even know the couple that were bringing him home.

In all honesty, at 20ish most people are is interested in partying, hanging out with their friends, going to college, dating. Right now this is exciting getting married, and everything that comes with it. But how is she going to handle it once married life ... real life comes into play. Once all the drama and excitement dies down, and she is married to a older guy who isn't going to want to run around an hang out all night. Trust me once his mid life crisis is over he will be all kinds of sorry...

When your son is with your ex, find something that interests you, something you may have always wanted to do, learn.. whatever, connect with friends for some lunch shopping, spa time. This is your time to take care of you.

Above all be honest when your son starts to ask questions, explain on his level, when he ask why dad did this or that, suggest that he ask Dad. Kids know if you are not being honest with them. Above all make sure he knows that it has nothing to do with him. There are some really good books on this topic to help handle it.

Get your son a cell phone with your number and your parents number programed in, it will make you both feel better know he can call you.

None of this is easy... But you have the best part of your ex your son, and she just gets him (ex).

Hugs, prayers and pixie dust.

On another note, her husband is a dog.. yes he should bare the burden / responsibility. But... she knew... she knew what she was doing and who he was and he was married.. She also needs to carry some of the responsibility.. it takes two to tango as my granny always said.

As women we need to stick together, instead of causing pain to each other. Nuff said

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

Original post was 2008, I'm closing this thread.