Heartbroken & Faithless?

[Annie&Hallie'sMom]

Well, after approximately 8 months of being poked and prodded; undergoing tests; being injected with hormones; early morning blood tests and financial and emotional upheaval we have given up the hope of having a child "naturally" (ha, as if all the stuff we went through was in any way natural). There are other treatments that we could try (IVF), but they are not financially viable. Adoption is another option that we would like to try, but now is not.

These past 2 years have beaten us up pretty well. We have never been in worse financial or emotional states. DH is understandably depressed and feeling like a failure since he has been unemployed since June 2001. He feels like a failure, when in reality he is an incredibly smart, funny, warm and compassionate man. Why he can't even get a season job at the mall is beyond me. If I was hiring, I'd snap him up in an instant. He's got that teddy bear quality that makes him instantly approachable and non-threatening.

I am understandably depressed since I have spent the better part of this year planning my life around infertility. Even if we could have afforded a vacation, I couldn't plan one. Most holidays I had to go to the doctor (4th of July; Labor Day weekend; Halloween) so we couldn't even do little getaway on those long weekends and such. I feel like a failure, even though rationally I know I am not. I spent most of my younger years babysitting and raising kids -- I was practically a second mother to my brother and had several long term babysitting jobs as a young adult where I felt like I was taking care of my own. To not be able to have one of my own kills a part of me.

I know that a positive outlooks is important. And I have had plenty of people praying for us, but after 2 years I am spent. I am seriously questioning any kind of faith and hope is only a word. If God is compassionate, he/she's got a funny way of showing it.

Know this is depressing, but I thought I ought to be open and honest with you, especially since so many of you have been supportive to me.

Life will go on. We will survive. But a serious hunk of our hearts and sprites will never be restored.

 

[DopeyRN]

{{{Hugs}}} Infertility is so difficult on people and especially marriages. Protect your marriage. I have seen too many break up.

 

[janette]

I'm so sorry for your disappointment. It must be very hard. {{{HUGS}}} to you and lots of pixie dust thinking that you will have your family someday.

Originally posted by Annie&Hallie'sMom
Adoption is another option that we would like to try, but now is not.

I'm not sure if you mean that adoption is an option and that you aren't ready for it or that you've decided against . There are many ways to adopt and maybe you'll find something someday that works for you.

 

[JohnTBap]

The night is always darkest before the dawn. {{{HUGS}}} and God bless you.

 

[snoopy]

What a difficult journey you've been on, I cannot imagine the pain you must feel.

I'm so sorry.

 

[Buckalew]

I am so sorry. I have no answers to why some people can have conceive and others cannot. I know that it would eat at me if I were trying also.
I wish both you and your DH's spirits to be lifted. I hope he finds a job soon. My DH was unemployed for 6 months last years & I know how that hurts them and their feeling of worth. Dh did many odd jobs--literally digging dirt and mowing grass for some people to help make ends meet. I know how tough that part is.
I hope that you may direct your energy in some way to the many children out their who have no direction or love from home. There are many kids out there who need help. I hope that you may find a way to make those children yours and see that even though you didn't give birth to them, you can touch a child's life in many, many ways.
You sound like such a loving couple with much love to give away. Seek comfort in God because no matter what you may be thinking right now, He loves you and cares that you are hurting. Be guided by Him in what to do next. You will make a big difference in some child's or children's lives. I can tell that you have so much to give, teach and to inspire.
Best wishes that this next year will be better for you both. Many, many {{{hugs}}} and prayers.

 

[LucyStorm]

((((hugs)))). If and when you are ready to think about adoption, let me know. I have two adopted special needs children and would be happy to share any sources of information that I have.

 

[Baboo]

{{{HUGS}}} This must be just awful for both of you. Hopefully someone will realize what a find your DH is and he'll get a job soon. I'm sorry that there is nothing that can be said to make the other hurt go away. Hopefully, in time you and your DH will both be able to come to terms with this loss (and it is a loss to you both). Maybe God just has a different and more important job for you in mind. Maybe just down the road, you'll find a child that is in need of 2 loving, caring parents, and you and your DH will be the ones. Take care of yourself, your DH and your relationship. We're here when you need us.

 

[Pam]

I am sooo sorry. All I can do is reach across cyberland and give you a {{hug}}. I will also keep you and your DH in my prayers.

Please know that your DIS friends are always here when you need someone to talk to.
Pam

 

[Robinrs]

After losing my son after wanting one so long I felt lost and hopeless also....

Instead of being angry with God and questioning his death I decided to put it in His hands.

My ex calls Michael "six years in the makin'" because that's how long it took before we FINALLY had him.

Michael is not a normal child. He's very special to me and everyone around him. He was the child I was supposed to have and the child God gave me when I was mature enough and ready to raise him. He or I would not have been the same person 7 years earlier.

Continue in faith, it is SO easy to let go but remember what rewards come when you are steadfast. This is only a trial, one you can conquer.

 

[pajamommy]

{{{{HUGS}}}}} for you, this must have been a really tough year for you. I'm hoping things get better for you and DH soon.

 

[Saffron]

I have no words, just a giant, tight {{{{Hug}}}}.

 

[JerseyJanice]

I wish I could offer some of words of wisdom about your infertility woese, but I don't have any. I'm sorry. {{{hugs}}}

 

[jfulcer]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I used to work for a Medical Software company and became good friends with some of the staff in an infertility clinic. While it was good to hear the happy feelings they had when they were successful, it was equally as saddening to hear about the people that so obviously want to have a child to love and can't.

I'll echo the common sentiment that it just make take some time for this to work itself out. I'd venture a guess that the stress of your DH being out of work may be even be contributing to the problems. I'll pray that it's something as simple as time and a little bit of luck that you guys need.

 

[mhopset]

I don't know your whole situation, but I do know how you feel. My wife and I tried for 6 years to have a child. We figured it would never happen, and to tell you the truth forgot about it. We bought our house in Aug of 95. In Nov. of 95 she took a preg. test because she was late. We never thought anything about it. Then I heard screaming from the bathroom. It scared me to death. All she could say was TWO LINES, TWO LINES. She was pregnant. It was not an easy pregnancy. She was carrying twins and lost one. The Docs thought Seth had Spina Bifada and wated us to abort the pregnancy. She had sever toxiema the last two months of pregnancy. Also she was kicked in the stomach by a patient at 6 months.

Through a lot of prayer and fasting Seth is here today and there is not a thing wrong with him.

Just hang in there. There is a reason for everyting. As for the job thing I kinda know how your husband feels too. I have a form of Muscular Dystrophy and after 13.5 years of working my Doc told me it is time to stop if you want to live. So my last day was 10-16-02. It was very difficult because I felt I neede to take care of my family. I was reminded I need to be here for my family. Hang in there a door will open up and you will both walk through it hand in hand. That is worth it all.

T.

 

[EROS]

Originally posted by Annie&Hallie'sMom
If God is compassionate, he/she's got a funny way of showing it.

You can say THAT again, but if you say it toooooooooo often on the DIS, the DIS RIGHTEOUS will eat you for lunch .

I know at least in part how you're feeling. We went through two years of intensive fertility intervention, including IVFs and surgery, until saying.............ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!! We subsequently adopted the love of our lives, a bouncin' baby boy, in 1997; his entrance into our life has erased ALL of the pain of those "infertile" years.

All my best,

 

[Claudia1]

Please accept my sympathy for your loss. DH and I spent 5 years of our lives doing the same things. Enduring surgeries, treatments that made me ill, depression every month, and it took nearly dying for us to get to the point of saying, "Enough is enough".

It is my belief that you will deal with this more healthily if you view it as an expression of grief. The majority of adults have not experienced that moment when you realize that your dreams will never be. Having had business disasters and many other crises in my life, the loss of the hope of a child for many of us is hard to explain and harder to deal with.

Above all, cling to what started it all....... your marriage. It may take on a different feel but it is still there. Hold onto each other and take your steps forward together.

 

[Rajah]

I am so sorry this hasn't worked for you yet. I know how much you've been trying, hoping, and praying recently. All I can say is don't give up entirely. As Robin said, maybe it's just "not time" yet. Or, possibly, a year or two down the road a special child is going to come along who needs you and your DH to take care of him or her.

As little comfort as the words may be now, I do believe things like this happen for a reason. We just don't know what that reason is yet. We may never know it, but there is a reason. Hang in there, and, as Claudia said, allow yourself time to grieve.

Hang in there, hold on to each other, and always remember that we're here for you.

*HUGS*

 

[Disney Doll]

I empathize with your pain. DH and I went through 5 or 6 years of infertiltiy treatments, IVFs etc, to no avail. The only thing I can say is that the universe unfolds as it should, and the reasons for things may not be readily apparent.

Remember, there are many ways to be important in the life of a child. We are blessed to have nieces and nephews, and godchildren who are they joy of our lives. Children can't have too many people who love them, you know.

Of course, my ability to look at this situation this way came after many months of agonizing, railing at God, Fate, Buddha, and anybody else who I thought might any control over anything!! You will come to acceptance, you will put this is the place it needs to be and you will find ways to live your life that you never thought about. But you are right...there is a part that has died, and you must mourn it.

 

[nativetxn]

{{{HUGS}}} sweetie. There is absolutely nothing that I can say that will ease your pain. I wish there were some magic words.

I was blessed with one child and spent many, many years after that going through all of the procedures you've experienced. They did not work for me

Just know that I am always available if you need to talk and that I do understand how you feel. I'm sending you a pm.

Katholyn