Head Tables at Weddings

[Minnie824]

I agree with disykat. DH and I have both made sacrifices to attend events of each others friends/jobs/etc. We both sat with annoying people who we had nothing to say to and didn't really want to be with. Was it torture though? No. My gosh, its a few hours for dinner. And it gave us lots to talk about later to gossip about these people. Also, even if its a 10 hour meal, if its what my friend, or DH's friend chose for their wedding, we're going to be supportive because its what they want. And again, we can complain to each other later if we want.

Regarding the whole dress/bathroom issue...I had a very poofy dress, and although I was able to go to the bathroom during the reception all by myself, I didn't early on before the church and pictures. Not because I wanted to be pampered, but because I didn't want to take a chance of 'staining' my dress, stepping on it, or ripping it before the church and pictures. After that I didn't care.

And for the smoking thing...we also had smokers go outside, and it was very pleasant. There is no way to please that many people.

 

[2bemarried]

The fact is, the Bride appreciated my honesty and would rather me be comfortable and have a good time at her wedding, celebrating her happiness with my own LOML. I am there for her and continue to be there for her in other ways. Our friendship is stronger that being in each other's weddings, and I wish all who responded (kind, gentle, hostile, and otherwise) a happy wedding, marriage, whether past, present, future, big wedding or small, head table, sweetheart table or otherwise. May God, or Pixie Dust, or whoever you do or don't believe in, look down upon you and bless you and your families, present and future.

*clapping*

I was first taken a back by your original post and felt hurt for the bride but I completely understand your sentiments now and am glad that the bride does as well. At least you were honest!!

Couple of comments on several issues....as a very recent bride (5/31/03) I can say that I'm the LAST of all my friends to get married. I've sat at many head tables and not known anyone other than the bride and groom. No biggie...I can fend for myself. But I understand about not being able to sit with someone you know. If you're shy....it's difficult to start a converstaion or join one when you're with complete strangers.
So at our wedding....we had a round headtable. The bestman, his wife, and youngest were with us...also with us was the matron-of-honor, her husband, and their young son.....It was great for us to share our time with all of them together!! All the other wedding party members were at tables with their spouse and I did my darnest to make sure every single wedding guest was seated at a table where they knew SOMEONE...even it was a distant cousin. I however know that not everyone was be happy no matter how hard I tried.

By the end of dinner I felt so bad for my matron of honor b/c she'd been with me the whole day, hadn't been able to see her son...and when she finally did...he didn't recognize her (hair and makeup all fancied up)....so I told her that she should feel free to do whatever she thought necessary. I wanted HER to be happy that evening. She was in our wedding and a witness to our vows.....that's all I wanted or needed.

As for the definition of "attendant"....I'm very concerned...b/c it shouldn't be taken literally when concerning a wedding.
One of our groomsmen is engaged now and he asked us on Saturday what we thought made "a best man"...he's trying to decide..... My quote was " It's a lifetime friend"..... someone that will always be there for you no matter how many fallouts or arguments you may have. This person shouldn't be viewed as a mear servant to someone in their wedding party......ick.

Okay.....that's all from me.

 

[FOJMO]

Um, I'm confused ... Did you just say that my "neck of the woods" is classy? Isn't that a compliment?

No, what I said was maybe your "neck of the woods" is precisely THAT - the neck of the woods.

FOJMO, that was a wink to your "old-fangled" etiquette rules.

Just meant that I hadn't heard the term "old-fangled" in a "coon's age" (and we're back to neck of the woods).

But the comment about the bride and groom being caught up in too many "lengthy conversations" was what got me. The only wedding reception I ever ttended had a head table, less than 75 guests (wedding party included), and was held in a somewhat intimate location. Yet I never once got to say hello to the bride outside of the receiving line. She parked herself at the head table having "lengthy conversations" with her wedding party, and left my family and I (who knew no one else at the wedding) feeling like unwelcome outcasts the whole time. In situations where the number of guests is on the lower side, there is no excuse for the bride and groom not greeting -- and particularly THANKING -- all of their guests individually. JMHO.

By "lengthy conversations" I meant WITH the guests at the reception. Sometimes it's hard for the bride/groom to break away, politely, to get on to the other guests. This is where the attendants help make the guest feel as if they are important and it will only be a short while, hopefully, until the bride/groom gets to each table.

And by telling me that you've only been to ONE wedding reception only fortifies my belief that you have very little experience to be expounding on wedding etiquette, especially since the reception you mentioned was one where the bride literally ignored guests and made them feel unwelcome. Hardly the kind of reception to be comparing anything to.


I sincerely hope that you profusely thanked and hopefully gave gifts of appreciation to each and every person who was a member of your wedding party. Sounds like they deserved it for all the things they did for you.

Definitely, yes, you DO get your attendants gifts and that's precisely why. Because they helped you on your special day. And NOT just by "dressing up, smiling for the pictures, etc."

 

[RUDisney]

Originally posted by disykat
A change of subject here -- I also feel differently from others here in that when I go to an event with my dh where he has responsibilities - I feel like I'm just there to support him - having a good time would be an unexpected bonus. Whether that means I sit in the car with the babies, by myself at a table, or hiding in the bathroom, killing time because I'm uncomfortable. He's done the same for me - we've both taken our turns going to weddings where we know no one, work events, a ceremony where one of us is getting an award etc. etc.

You made me LOL remembering something that happened last December. We were invited to the Christmas party of one of my DH's customers. I knew the host. That was it. My DH knew most of the people there and promptly abandoned me at the bar, not consciously, but because he was having fun mingling. I stood next to one man and had a very nice conversation with him. We talked about our travels through the world and about world history. When we were seated for dinner, the people at our table started telling us that the man I had been talking to was a real loner who hardly spoke to anyone. Whenever I looked at his table, he was politely sitting there, without speaking to anyone. I told them that we had a lovely conversation and no one could believe it.

So, some people don't mind talking to strangers and can open up even the most staunchly shy person. Others feel awkward when they are around people they don't know and can't start a conversation. I can understand how difficult it would be for that kind of person to "survive" a wedding day/reception on their own.

I can't wait for this year's Christmas party and I hope that we are once again invited... especially since I know some of the people now.

 

[DrTomorrow]

FOJMO:

If you're going to try to insult ScarletIndigo, you might first make sure that you choose the right phrase.

From Roget’s II: The New Thesaurus, Third Edition. 1995. :

neck of the woods

NOUN: Informal. A part of the earth's surface: area, belt, district, locality, neighborhood, quarter, region, tract, zone. See TERRITORY.

Yep, she's a resident of good old Planet Earth, just like the rest of us.

Actually, if you checked ScarletIndigo's profile, she currently hails from Chicago - hardly known for its lack of indoor plumbing and kissin' cousins.


And as far as experience (number of weddings/receptions attended) factoring into this, unless you're presenting your "Theory of Attendancy" as irrefutable fact and are stating the the number you've attended is a sufficient population to support that theory, we're all just stating here what our opinions are regarding the role of those invited to participate in the wedding party and where each of us thinks that role falls in the 'live to serve the bride and groom' - 'there to share in the joy without servitude' continuum.

 

[DrTomorrow]

A-HA. Here's Miss Manners - America's Etiquette Expert - weighing in on the matter. Here is her article for the full story. But here are a few quotes:

Whatever happened to the Wedding Police? .... Their job, as they saw it, was to maintain the integrity of wedding customs .... Their specialty was to declare whether each bride was "entitled" to wear a white wedding dress.

Society's change of morals did in the Wedding Police....Miss Manners confesses to having cheered on their demise. Her oft-stated position was that killjoys have no place at a wedding.

But now she misses the Wedding Police. Not in regard to the original white dress issue, which remains as unseemly as it is hopeless, but to enunciate standards on the real taste issues of weddings, which have been replaced by those reciting, "It's the bride's day, and she can do whatever she wants." In the absence of a sense of propriety, it has become commonplace for brides to discount parental wishes, demand specific presents and donations of their guests, issue orders to bridesmaids, and repeat the entire pageant at will, with the original or subsequent bridegrooms.

Well said, Miss Manners, well said!

 

[Aurora63]

RUDisney, VR stands for Vow Renewal. We eloped about five years ago, so we are doing this, mainly because I want to. They can be as formal or informal as you want. Mine will be somewhere in between, with at most 25 guests.

My main reason for wanting to do a VR is that I always regretted not having been a bride, and I'd like to relive it the right way - but, in reading some of these posts, maybe not having a wedding the first time around was a good thing!

And just for the record, (to all) some brides can pee easily while wearing a big poofy dress, and some need some help...it is not anything to get in a huff over! Let's chill, okay?

 

[RUDisney]

VR = Vow Renewal! {slaps forehead} That makes sense. I hope you have everything that you ever wished to have on that day! Congratulations!

 

[ScarletIndigo]

What I said was maybe your "neck of the woods" is precisely THAT - the neck of the woods. Just meant that I hadn't heard the term "old-fangled" in a "coon's age" (and we're back to neck of the woods).

FOJMO, this is getting silly and cheap shots are beneath you. My use of the word "new-fangled" was purposely meant to be a wink at your reference to (what I consider to be) outdated and archaic reception traditions. I'm sorry the sarcastic wit went over your head.

And by telling me that you've only been to ONE wedding reception only fortifies my belief that you have very little experience to be expounding on wedding etiquette, especially since the reception you mentioned was one where the bride literally ignored guests and made them feel unwelcome. Hardly the kind of reception to be comparing anything to.

Expounding! Big word!

The reason I brought up that particular story is because the reception in question was eerily familiar in its adherence to your list of rules and regulations for wedding party members:

- A head table restricted to only members of the wedding party - no significant others allowed. We sat with the SO of a wedding party member who spent the entire reception alone and looking completely uncomfortable. Sound familiar?

- "Lengthy conversations" being had by the bride and groom with choice reception guests, leaving the rest of us to be greeted by wedding attendants we didn't even know. Meanwhile, the couple whose wedding we had attended (and for whom we'd purchased an expensive gift) never even approached our table to thank us for attending.

- Troops of bridesmaids trailing the bride to ensure that her dress stayed in pristine condition at all times, including several amusing trips to the bathroom involving nearly all of the female attendants.

Trust me, the entire spectacle made me quickly realize that the wedding reception revolved solely around the bride and groom, the wedding party members were being treated like hired help half the time and "preferred" guests the other half of the time, and those of us sitting outside of the coveted "head table" were mostly ignored by the couple of honor (while the bride wasn't holed up in the bathroom with her entourage, that is.)

I may not have attended scores of receptions in my young lifetime, but I know good manners and kindness, and this reception -- coupled with your idea of wedding etiquette -- are far from what I consider to be a good time for all.

Definitely, yes, you DO get your attendants gifts and that's precisely why. Because they helped you on your special day. And NOT just by "dressing up, smiling for the pictures, etc."

Well there you have it. If your wedding party members were happy with performing their appointed "duties" on your wedding day, then being given a consolation gift, that's fine. If those traditions are truly what people have come to expect at a modern-day wedding, I'm eloping!

 

[Cantw8]

WOW, this is exactly why my cat and I are going to elope. Cats are waaaaay better than grooms.

 

[DrTomorrow]

I'm with you, Cantw8 - I've got only one wife, but three adorable lady cats!

 

[disykat]

Honestly, I just don't get the big thing about attendants helping the bride. No one here has said the bride should be able to issue orders. While I might not follow FOJO's thinking on every step of wedding protocol (I've never been to a wedding with a formal sitdown dinner, only buffets etc. that simply haven't warrented that many "duties".), I agree with her that there are generally "duties" that the attendants help with. How closely you adhere to "tradition" is up to you and the bridal party, but there is a strong tradition of roles that you find defined in wedding planning manuals.

It's more a matter of friends being helpful and feeling a part of the wedding than about chores. I've been in quite a few weddings and in every one of them I've helped the bride in many ways - watching over the flower girl, helping the florist distribute the flowers (they can't always identify who gets corsages etc.), introducing the photographer to family members, and yes, even helping the bride with her dress in the bathroom! It made me feel very special to be able to help my good friends and participate in their special day - more exciting to me than simply standing next to her during the ceremony - I got to be intimately involved. I've also been given a gift by every single bride I've "attended" as a thank you for my role -that's pretty traditional and I consider all of mine a special keepsake - I still have them years later.

Had my friends wanted someone to look pretty and have fun at a party, they could've hired a total stranger. Instead they got someone who truly cared about their day enough to help them with anything that came up so they could be free to enjoy!

 

[RUDisney]

It's funny you should mention the odd jobs that are required on the day of the wedding. In the weddings I've been in, there is hardly time to help do those things. Usually, someone who is not in the wedding is assigned, or usually offers to help. For example, I have put together programs the week before a friend's wedding so she could concentrate on the other things she needed to do. I have passed out flowers in church at a relative's wedding because I wasn't in the wedding party and had time to do it. At my SIL's wedding, her cousin was at her house and needed to run to the store for bobby pins. The photographer was there, so no one from the bridal party would have been able to go for them. Sometimes the bridal party has obligations that preclude them from doing the other little things that need to be done. The one thing that I learned, thankfully from my DH's aunt, is that the bride always needs to have a "fluffer" in the back of the church prior to walking down the aisle. Your attendants are already on their way to the altar and you are left with your Dad. Mine wouldn't have known the first thing about fixing my gown and train. Thank heavens for Auntie!

 

[DrTomorrow]

Oh My. Oh My.

"Fluffer" needed at the wedding.

I'm on the express bus to heck now.


[RUDisney: fluffer has more than one meaning ]

 

[RUDisney]

OK, so maybe I'm naive. I only thought of one meaning for it.

 

[disykat]

I've learned something on this and all the other threads about weddings. I think I truly didn't understand what weddings are like in other parts of the country. I probably would choose not to EVER attend a wedding if I knew I had an engagement party, bridal shower in an upscale restaurant, a $500 dress, spa appointments, gifts that exceed $100 to give on several occasions, 4-6 hour sit down reception dinners, etc. What an ordeal!

I based my answers on the friendly little weddings I have attended. (I've gone to over 100 between friends, families, being a soloist, and as a child tagging along with my mother the organist) No engagement parties, showers held in friends homes, often homemade bridesmaids dresses, hair and makeup done in the church bathroom, etc. The receptions I've been to with food have been elegant little buffets where eating dinner was and hour of the party and guests were free to mingle.

I'm clearly out of my league. I can now see where weddings could be not only a financial burden (which has always been an acceptable excuse to decline in my book), but an ORDEAL as well. The weddings I've seen described here and in the other threads - people deserve a medal for participating! Boy, am I glad I don't live in the NE!