He has a name, dammit!!

[bbangel]

My sister and I are very close in age and we look a lot alike. For whatever reason, most people wouldn't remember my name. I was Susan's sister (or some people called me Susan). It drove me nuts. My parents instituted a great rule to help me out. Everytime someone called me by the wrong name or referred to me as an object (when not done out of affection), I got to charge them a quarter. I didn't make a fortune, but they sure made the effort to call me by name after that.
I think you just need to let them know how it makes you feel and how you are worried about how it will make Ryan feel. Once people are more aware of what they are doing they usually try to correct it.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

I had the same issue w/my two. Nick is 14 mos older than Kelly, and he was the sweet baby, while she was the more challenging baby. Thus, family members enjoyed taking Nick with them, and not Kelly. When they were small, I didn't say anything, but one time my xMIL took Nick for a weekend trip, leaving Kelly (she was about 2), and Kelly was devastated. I understand why my xMIL took Nick & not Kelly, but Kelly didn't understand. When I told my xMIL what happened she said that would never happen again - and it didn't.

On the other hand, my dad favored Nick (man-bonding to grandson bit), but I had to nip that in the bud, and often reminded him that there were two grandchildren, not one. He would be explaining something to Nick, and Kelly would be the one hanging on his words. Once my dad & I talked it over he was much better about it, and only slipped a couple of times, but the kids didn't notice. And funny, Kelly was the one who spent a couple of weeks with him the summer before he passed away.

Mom always treated both as beloved gchildren, and my xFIL really didn't have much to do with them until now that they are older.

Steve -- it could be you & your dw just need to remind your MIL that there are two gchildren, and both are to be loved equally. gl



.... and ... um ... it's me who calls my rascals 'boy' and 'little girl' ... a long time ago, the boy told me, "MOM, my name is Nick! In fact, you gave it to me! Please use it." I still call him Boy.

 

[ohiominnie]

Maybe start referring to him as "he who shall not be named" and when she asks you why you call him that explain that *other* people just never seem to want to call him by his given name of "Ryan" so you thought you'd make it official. If you want you could elaborate on what ppl call him but I wouldn't mention "the other one" specifically. Maybe just say ppl call him by number or call him something "generic." She probably doesn't even realize she's doing it, but maybe knowing that *other* people are doing it will cause her to think a bit.

As for her taking Cameron and not Ryan, that doesn't surprise me. When I had a younger baby my parents would take my older one (2 1/2 yrs older) for special times with them. If I needed them to babysit for something big they'd take both, but I think they only took KT most of the time for several reasons. First, she was a lot easier, maintenance wise to get ready, take care of, feed, etc etc etc. Babies are a LOT of work and that's hard for ppl who are older. But the biggest reason I think they took her without Nick is b/c the wanted her to have time alone without competition from her brother. They could give her their undivided attention that way. I'll admit, life with a toddler and a baby is hectic and oftentimes corners were cut---KT wanted to stay at the zoo, but Nick had to get home b/c he was cranky without his nap---KT wanted to go see the movie, but I couldn't take Nick b/c he wouldn't sit still so we couldn't go---etc etc.

Now that they are older (12 and 9 1/2) they take both kids together....now that they can both do the same things are don't require "baby" care.

 

[chobie]

"The other one" does sound rather cold. I can see referring to him as the baby if his name slipped her mind...

"The other one" sure is adorable, just like the one with a name.

 

[4nana]

Steve, I really don't think your Mom or MIL mean anything by their comments. If it truly bothers you and DW, I would politely remind them he has a name....'RYAN', and believe me, they will get the hint.

I would hope if my children had a problem, they'd respect me enough to 'nip it in the bud', not keep things bottled up and talk bad about me. Tell me to my face, compromise, and we'll have a much happier family.

Having grands, I know how important it is they be treated like individuals...all with different names, personalities, etc. I work hard at trying to do a descent job in that department, as no two are alike and we've even adopted our son's 2 stepchildren as family. I have very fond memories of my grandparents and hope to instill special memories in ours. I would never refer to a grandchild as 'the other one' or 'the little one', etc.

Far as having grands over and taking them places, I would cut them some slack. I'm sure they have the best of intentions and love for all three grands equally. Some GP's find it easier to relate one on one and if truth be know maybe they can't handle two. Cameron is older, thus easier to handle and communitate with. Hopefully Ryan will enjoy special times like Cameron has with grandparents as time goes on. In their defense, none of us are as young as we used to be.

During the summer our grands take turns coming to our home. Believe me, the older ones keep track of who did what, when and how . We do try to treat ours equally. It's difficult, as 6 are local and 6 are out of state, so that takes some creative thought and planning. Again, sometimes it's one on one and sometimes as a group.

Once a week is 'grandson day' . Today I am tuckered from entertaining an 18 mo, 5yo, 9yo and 11yo boys.....so see, I occasionally use 'the numbers', but do know their names . After doing everything today from riding bikes, to watching a movie, to collecting tadpoles.....I am plumb tuckered!! They grow up so quickly and it's all in a days fun with grands!!

Remember, don't sweat the small stuff.
Consider yourself blessed they have grandparents, double blessed if they live local.

 

[Teejay32]

A similar thing has been going on for years here. My girls are two years apart in age. My parents, sister, brothers were great about taking the older one for weekends, lavishing attention on her and stuff while I was busy with little DD, who was sick quite often. The good: I never had to worry about the older one when the younger one was hospitalized. A big plus. The bad: the "baby" is now almost 9, pretty much 100% healthy, but always manages to be a little too young, too small or "not quite ready" for whatever it is they want to do with my oldest. She does require more attention, she's immature for her age, and I know that and they know that. I just never really wanted the DDs to know that. But they do, so we just deal with things as they come up.

On the plus-plus side, my MIL isn't like that. Her grandchildren are the world's best grandchildren, and each one does no wrong, and afaik it has never occurred to her to leave one of the kids out of something. I sing her praises for that whenever I can.

 

[Figment22]

No, she also spends a lot more time with Cameron as well. She'll take him places (places that I know Ryan would enjoy) and leave Ryan behind. My mom's doing the same thing in another week or so -- having Cameron to her house for a long weekend and not Ryan.

I know they love him just as much, but they've not been showing it much lately.

I'll play devil's advocate here...
Could both Grandmas think that Cameron's been getting the short end of the attention stick since Ryan came on the scene??? Maybe they're trying to spend some extra time with Cameron because babies, by their very nature, just need more attention from their moms and dads??? Just a thought.

As to "the other one" comment, unless she does it repeatedly, I'd chalk it up to a senior moment. Heck, the other day my husband and I got into an argument and I called him by my oldest son's name several times.

 

[momof2inPA]

Uh, oh. I talked to my SIL today and called her younger kid "the other one." He's 18 or 19, and I still can't remember his name, but I like him as well as the older one.

 

[mtblujeans]

Well....in his picture.....Ryan does appear to have red hair!

 

[Bob Slydell]

I also can understand them only wanting to bring one child or the older one, but there are places that they can bring Ryan or special things that they could plan to do with him. Some people are not baby people, though. Baffles me, but it is the case with some people. Did they spend a lot of time with Cameron when he was little?

My MIL watched Cameron 2 or 3 days a week when he was little. My DW worked part time then and the days that she worked, MIL watched Cameron.

I agree, it's not as easy taking the two boys out together somewhere (especially since Ryan's a pretty rambuncious little guy ). I'm hoping that the other one comment was just a one time slip-up. If not, the next time DW or I hears it, it won't be pretty.

Thanks guys for letting me know we're not alone with this frustration.

 

[Planogirl]

It's annoying but keep in mind that it could be so much worse and maybe that'll add a little perspective. My grandmother always called her grandkids by a slew of names. She was very sharp otherwise so I don't know why she did that. I didn't mind because I always knew that she cared a lot about all of us.

 

[Hannathy]

I thought my name for years was really a combination of my sisters name and mine! not really but everyone said the first syllable of her name then quickly switched to mine so it sounded like a blend! You also learn to like the odd flavors in a box of popscicle or lollipops if you are the youngest!

If the pictures are current I don't blame them for not taking a BABY to places like a museum or aquarium. It is so much easier and more fun with an older child who understands and eats normal food and who wants to deal with diapers if you don't have to. Now if he was 5 that is another story. Another thing are you picky about the baby ? do they have to do things exactly the same way? My MIL wouldn't keep my SIL baby because she had to do things exactly to a T or get in trouble. She would keep mine when we visited cause I went with the flow and knew that 2 weekends a year of being put to bed differently wouldn't matter. I wouldn't worry until he is at least old enough to understand and by then I bet they are taking him.

 

[mrsltg]

I feel your pain. I also have apparently managed to have the perfect child and the other one. My older daughter is the second coming. My younger daughter is the spawn of satan. The comparisons between the two girls are never ending. Dierdre is "beautiful, smart, funny, sensitive, kind, caring, and determined." Caroline is "moody, stubborn, irrational (she's 1!!!), deliberate, and chubby." I'm not kidding!!! It ticks me off to no end.

Caroline is a great kid and has a lot in common with her sister, but she is not the same person nor should she be! And, Dierdre is a lot of fun and generally well-behaved but she has her moments. UUUGGGHHH!!! The funniest part of it is, they look identical. Some of their pictures make me do a double-take. Their behavior is very similar, too. Oh well - you can't win!!!

Good luck with your boys!

 

[offwegotoneverland]

Could be worse...my stepdad introduces me to total strangers (even a real estate agent he wanted me to use) as his "wicked step-daughter"...and has been known to tell people I'm a total "witch" (but he pronunces it different).

I'm glad to know that this is all caused by my red hair...I thought it was him doing it. Now I know it's a programmed response to my being a red-head....who knew?!?

 

[Bob Slydell]

If the pictures are current I don't blame them for not taking a BABY to places like a museum or aquarium. It is so much easier and more fun with an older child who understands and eats normal food and who wants to deal with diapers if you don't have to.

The pictures are current. Ryan is about 15 months old. He eats regular food and walks on his own and all, but yeah, he's in diapers and can be more work.

Another thing are you picky about the baby ? do they have to do things exactly the same way? My MIL wouldn't keep my SIL baby because she had to do things exactly to a T or get in trouble.

Nope, we're about as laid back as possible as parents.

I wouldn't worry until he is at least old enough to understand and by then I bet they are taking him.

I agree, I do think it will get better as he gets older. Actually, with Cameron going into Kindergarden this fall, we're hoping that MIL will take the opportunity to spend more time with Ryan by taking him by himself for a day to places like the zoo, etc. during the week when Cameron can't go because he's in school. We'll see.

 

[Bob Slydell]

I feel your pain. I also have apparently managed to have the perfect child and the other one. My older daughter is the second coming. My younger daughter is the spawn of satan. The comparisons between the two girls are never ending. Dierdre is "beautiful, smart, funny, sensitive, kind, caring, and determined." Caroline is "moody, stubborn, irrational (she's 1!!!), deliberate, and chubby." I'm not kidding!!! It ticks me off to no end.

Caroline is a great kid and has a lot in common with her sister, but she is not the same person nor should she be! And, Dierdre is a lot of fun and generally well-behaved but she has her moments. UUUGGGHHH!!! The funniest part of it is, they look identical. Some of their pictures make me do a double-take. Their behavior is very similar, too. Oh well - you can't win!!!

Good luck with your boys!

Same here. Cameron is the smart one who read when he was 2 weeks old (slight exaggeration ) and all that. Plus, he was a mellow child, perfect for MIL's style of babysitting, which often involved putting a video on so she could get stuff done.

Ryan is going to be a late talker, but probably more of an athlete than a scholar. He's much more active than Cameron was at the same age (partially because he's always chasing his big brother around). Therefore, he frustrates MIL because he doesn't afford her time to do other things -- he constantly wants you to play with him, so I can do understand why MIL tends to shy away from taking care of him, because he can really tire you out.

 

[bcvgal]

My mom has asked about my dog before her only grandkids. Now that really made me mad.