Having a very hard time with DS going off to college

[Mom21]

I noticed most people spoke about their first and referenced "we" or "our". I only have one. I will likely never have a "we" in my life. Mine heads out next year at the very tender age of 17. Sometimes I wish for it (yeah she is such a hard child), but I know it will be so hard. Then I come home to me. I won't have a significant other or anyone to help me through it. Just me.

 

[minniebeth]

I noticed most people spoke about their first and referenced "we" or "our". I only have one. I will likely never have a "we" in my life. Mine heads out next year at the very tender age of 17. Sometimes I wish for it (yeah she is such a hard child), but I know it will be so hard. Then I come home to me. I won't have a significant other or anyone to help me through it. Just me.

I'm sorry, I can't imagine how hard that would be without a significant other to empathize with you. My heart is with you.

My DS leaves for his freshman year of college in 2 weeks from today.
I think I've kind of been pushing off how I'm starting to feel and now I'm really starting to feel it. I've been pretty emotional and feeling anxious this week. I cried at the grocery store when I saw a mom playing peek-a-boo with her little baby boy~ the years have gone by so quickly.
I know we've done our job, and he's ready to become an emerging adult in the world, but he's such a great kid, and I'll really, really miss him!

 

[barbmouse]

Great thread! I'm sure many of us can relate!
Our oldest is dd 20. She is a rising junior at a college 2 hours away. I had the hardest time beginning with the days before we took her to school just knowing how much I would miss her. She has always been independent and I knew she would adjust and be fine which really helped. She has loved college and has grown in so many ways. We are probably closer now than when she was in hs. She will call and we text back and forth daily. The best part is to see how much she has matured! I have even received calls or compliments from her beginning with the words, "thanks so much for teaching me to......"!! Now that is a good feeling!! I still sometimes cry after she leaves to head back especially after she has been home for an extended period but it has gotten easier. She knows the importance of family and we just returned from a family vacation. She still looks forward to spending time with us.

Our ds is already looking at colleges farther away. I think it will be hard the second time around too. He is less likely to call and text but I'm hoping that will improve.

This is a season of life that can be hard but I think it is also rewarding to watch them fly!

 

[barbmouse]

PRINCESS VIJA thanks so much for sharing the video!! It was awesome!

 

[Pugsly]

I noticed most people spoke about their first and referenced "we" or "our". I only have one. I will likely never have a "we" in my life. Mine heads out next year at the very tender age of 17. Sometimes I wish for it (yeah she is such a hard child), but I know it will be so hard. Then I come home to me. I won't have a significant other or anyone to help me through it. Just me.

This was me. Single mom since my DS was 6 months old. All of my friends worried about me. So i completely understand.

I found other things to occupy my time and keep me busy (became more involved in my church, had more time to spend with my friends, moved into management at work - and not that it caused me to work more, but I worked harder during the day and really relaxed at night). Basically, I found that I enjoyed having more time for me.

I wish the same for you!

 

[OhMari]

I'm a mom to an only (DS18) who is moving into his dorm room two weeks from tomorrow 8 hrs away. What's been super hard for me is that we had some tough times with him from about 16 1/2-18, but now he's being very kind and his "old" self. He's a totally independent kid who loves to travel, makes new friends, etc, so I know he won't be in touch much, it will be up to me.

Do you watch "Cougar Town"? The first season dealt with her sending her only boy off to college and whoever writes for that show is spot on. I laugh and cry through every episode...

DH says that I am "mourning the loss" of not only DS leaving, but of my role of "mom" drastically changing (basically coming to an end).

So there's lots of room in this boat for more sad moms!

Terri

Is he going downstate? it is funny because all the Yooper kids want to go down state and the downstate kids come up to the UP. 2 of my kids graduated from Northern and both would love to move back and get jobs, but you know, there just isn't any. My sons best friend is there and his wife is a pharmacist, other wise they were going to move down by us.

 

[Simba's Mom]

I was very lucky that I didn't feel the empty nest syndrome very much at all and here's why-
Shortly before my first son went to college, I happened to be talking to a woman at church one day who had a severely mentally challenged son. Someone else had recently mentioned how sad they were that their son was leaving for college. She turned to me and sighed and said, "I wish she knew how lucky she was. Her son is doing NORMAL things. My son will never be able to move away from home." Lots of people may be thinking "Yeah, but....." but I never forgot the look on her face.

 

[yoopermom]

Is he going downstate? it is funny because all the Yooper kids want to go down state and the downstate kids come up to the UP. 2 of my kids graduated from Northern and both would love to move back and get jobs, but you know, there just isn't any. My sons best friend is there and his wife is a pharmacist, other wise they were going to move down by us.

Yes hes going to State. Our school district is tiny so usually only 3 or 4 go all the way downstate.

It frustrates me not to have reciprocity with UW schools since most are closer than our down state ones!

Terri

 

[Katy Belle]

We are taking our oldest to his very first dorm room today. I have two others at home, but I KNOW I'm going to miss DS18 terribly, we all will. I just got up to get the final things ready and found a typed note from him, thanking his Dad and me for raising him and preparing him for this day. I KNOW he will be fine, great, in fact...but I will miss him. He is only going to be 2 hours away, heck he might come home most weekends, but not having him wandering through the house, and his friends, will be different.

Big hugs to all the parents dealing with these feelings now!

 

[clutter]

I noticed most people spoke about their first and referenced "we" or "our". I only have one. I will likely never have a "we" in my life. Mine heads out next year at the very tender age of 17. Sometimes I wish for it (yeah she is such a hard child), but I know it will be so hard. Then I come home to me. I won't have a significant other or anyone to help me through it. Just me.

There's a bunch of single moms/only children on the DIS. You're not alone. I posted upthread about my dd going off for 4 months. This year. In two years, she'll be heading off to college as well. Maybe I'll date, maybe not. But I did have a busy life before dd was born, and I know I can do it again. Hopefully the lessons I've taught my dd about making friends and finding a life work for me, too.

So don't feel sorry for yourself. Celebrate the fact that you did an awesome job raising your child. And apply those skills to having an awesome future!

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

I noticed most people spoke about their first and referenced "we" or "our". I only have one. I will likely never have a "we" in my life. Mine heads out next year at the very tender age of 17. Sometimes I wish for it (yeah she is such a hard child), but I know it will be so hard. Then I come home to me. I won't have a significant other or anyone to help me through it. Just me.

I don't really know what to say to make any of this easier/better for you. I hope you have friends that you can lean on to help you. Please know that we can help each other here too. As some already have started, maybe we can continue to post here the process we are going through, such as buying things, packing, etc to help us through this time.

PRINCESS VIJA thanks so much for sharing the video!! It was awesome!

you are welcome!

I was very lucky that I didn't feel the empty nest syndrome very much at all and here's why-
Shortly before my first son went to college, I happened to be talking to a woman at church one day who had a severely mentally challenged son. Someone else had recently mentioned how sad they were that their son was leaving for college. She turned to me and sighed and said, "I wish she knew how lucky she was. Her son is doing NORMAL things. My son will never be able to move away from home." Lots of people may be thinking "Yeah, but....." but I never forgot the look on her face.

I've had similar thoughts, but not because of a challenged child but because we've had a murder in our little town recently of a young college woman. She is the only child for this family and I can't begin to imagine their pain right now. It does make me realize how fortunate we are that our son is alive and well and going to college where they don't have that anymore.

We are taking our oldest to his very first dorm room today. I have two others at home, but I KNOW I'm going to miss DS18 terribly, we all will. I just got up to get the final things ready and found a typed note from him, thanking his Dad and me for raising him and preparing him for this day. I KNOW he will be fine, great, in fact...but I will miss him. He is only going to be 2 hours away, heck he might come home most weekends, but not having him wandering through the house, and his friends, will be different.

Big hugs to all the parents dealing with these feelings now!

OH MY GOSH, that is incredibly wonderful of your DS to do that for you. You have done a great job raising him!!! Hold on to that letter. And hang in there today,

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

I'd love it if we could help each other through this and update things as we go to help us along this journey.

2 days ago went for a walk with DS, enjoyed the chat. Last night we had a campfire and just hung out for a little bit. He also wanted to make cinnamon rolls, so I helped him with parts of the recipe as he had never worked with yeast before. And we repotted a plant together, a plant he bought for his dorm room. just a few small things, but I am holding on to each of these "activities" and cherishing the moments spent with him.

The weekend before he goes away we are planning to do something, just not sure what. This was a weird summer as this is the first time we did not take a family vacation. DH and DS went to philmont scout ranch hiking. So DD and I went to WDW. At the end of the year DS qualified to go to nationals so DS and I went to Anaheim for his FBLA national championships competition. That was great spending that time with him!!! I have been really missing not doing a family vacation, so we will go do a weekend getaway the weekend before he leaves. I am looking forward to that.

Otherwise we are just slowly finishing getting all of his things ready to go.

What is everyone else doing to get ready? Any special movie nights/ get togethers?

 

[LisaR]

I'm having a total mom freak out moment here. DD leaves Thursday morning and she woke up sick today. At first all she had was a scratchy throat so I figured she was just getting a cold which I could deal with. But as the day has gone on, she is freezing (no temp, though) and she has taken two naps. She NEVER naps! She also just doesn't look good - pale, not hungry, just feels blah. This definitely isn't how she feels when it is just a cold. Now I am imagining all kinds of things including dropping our daughter off with a raging fever. DH is the sensible one. Me? Not so much!

 

[luvavacation]

LisaR, when my eldest left for college, she came down with something similar. In hindsight, she had spent a lot of time worrying and crying in the wee hours when she thought everyone was asleep, and then she would fall asleep with a stuffed nose from the crying, so she would sleep with her mouth open. She would awaken with a sore throat and just not feeling well. Worry was getting to her. Once she got to college and settled in, she started to feel better. As awful as it may sound, hopefully she is just worrying herself and feeling badly from that?

PrincessVija asked if anyone is doing anything special to get ready. Well, with both my girls leaving one after the other (freshman at University, graduate student also off to University for Master's), they decided to take their daddy out for a father/daughters dinner at IHOP. Their daddy is acting so strong and unemotional, but I know he is taking this hard, especially since the eldest is also going to move in with her fiance in the town where she was accepted to graduate school (we still are in amazement at how convenient this was for her ).

While the younger daughter will still call this her home for awhile, the eldest will start making her home with her fiance. My poor husband, he is really going to miss his girls. I am so glad my daughters decided to take him out and treat him.

On Tuesday night, our last night all at home, I will make Toltott Kaposzta and Lencse (stuffed cabbage and a thick lentil soup - lots of sour cream and paprika in all of it!). Nothing like mom slaving over the stove to fill those tummies before they leave and eat cafetaria food every day!

 

[krcit]

I'd love it if we could help each other through this and update things as we go to help us along this journey.

2 days ago went for a walk with DS, enjoyed the chat. Last night we had a campfire and just hung out for a little bit. He also wanted to make cinnamon rolls, so I helped him with parts of the recipe as he had never worked with yeast before. And we repotted a plant together, a plant he bought for his dorm room. just a few small things, but I am holding on to each of these "activities" and cherishing the moments spent with him.

The weekend before he goes away we are planning to do something, just not sure what. This was a weird summer as this is the first time we did not take a family vacation. DH and DS went to philmont scout ranch hiking. So DD and I went to WDW. At the end of the year DS qualified to go to nationals so DS and I went to Anaheim for his FBLA national championships competition. That was great spending that time with him!!! I have been really missing not doing a family vacation, so we will go do a weekend getaway the weekend before he leaves. I am looking forward to that.

Otherwise we are just slowly finishing getting all of his things ready to go.

What is everyone else doing to get ready? Any special movie nights/ get togethers?

You inspired me!!! I just booked a hotel in the city for me and my daughters for a night this week!

 

[lurkernj]

Aw gee whiz guys

My ds is leaving in 13 days. I think I'm in denial as it just doesn't seem real to me. I've been on autopilot buying and packing things, but the end result still feels far away. I know I'm going to be a basket case on the drive home. He'll be going 4.5 hrs away. I keep telling myself that this is what we raised him to do, and I must say, I feel we did a great job and he is so prepared for this next step.

I will still have ds15 home with us, but he's very quiet, and so is dh. The one leaving is pretty noisy and is just such a presence when he's home, I know I'll miss his high maintenance, as much as it drives me nuts now.

 

[Katy Belle]

Well, we left him at the dorm this afternoon. Felt strangely like leaving him at pre school 15 years ago. He is sick too! Bad cold, hoarse throat. Poor guy was pretty self conscious meeting new people with a funny sounding voice.

We left him at 5. I texted him at 9. He didnt go to dinner, ate oreos in his room. Kinda breaks my heart, but i know its just because hes feeling lousy. He did say he was socializing , so that is good. Roommate and RA both seemed very nice. The dorm floor is for computer geeks, so hes with his people!

As for doing something special before they leave....he was on vacation with friends last week! He got home Friday afternoon. We did go to dinner and miniature golf as a family last night. He and I went shppoing for some last minute business casual clothes...but that really wasnt fun...lol!

Good luck to all of you!

 

[MrsPete]

My sophomore daughter will go back to school in three days, and I can assure you of this: It's so much easier the second time.

For now, just keep reminding yourself: Your son is doing exactly what you want him to do at this point in his life. He's pursuing an education and becoming independent. You don't really want to keep him a baby, and you certainly don't want him to become one of those grown men who lives in his parents' basement and is incapable of supporting himself! But I completely understand that you want him to go to school, you want him to earn a degree, you want him to move on in life . . . but at the same time, you also want him to continue sleeping in his bedroom at home and eating dinner with you every night! You know you can't have it both ways.

So, my suggestions:

- Show him a happy face. This is your cross to bear, not his. Tell him you love him, tell him you'll miss him, but he should put his energies into adjusting to college, not worrying about how y'all are coping at home.
- Put a little note in the mail right now so that it'll be in his mailbox the very first time he checks it.
- Once you've helped him move in, LEAVE. The moment of separation can be difficult, so don't drag it out. Decide what you're going to do that day: Probably help him move his stuff in, take him to the grocery store, and go out to lunch. Once those things are done, say goodbye and LEAVE. If you're going to cry, save it for the car ride home. Again, he doesn't need to deal with guilt because you're sad about dropping him off.
- Make plans for the first time he'll come home or you'll come to visit him. Most students go home for Labor Day, which is very early in the semester. When he does come home, clear your schedule and make all his favorite foods. Make it a celebration.
- Hold yourself back from calling him multiple times a day -- and you'll want to do so at first. Sure, you'll want to hear from him after his first day of classes, etc., but don't smother him.
- Recognize that your relationship must change. Change doesn't mean worse, just different. My daughter and I have changed our interaction, but we're still super-close. She's grown up a great deal. That doesn't mean I don't occasionally miss having a little girl, but I love our relationship now just as much.
- You will get through this. Really, you will.

 

[Burnedout]

I hate when people pull the guilt thing. "Just be grateful, blah blah blah..." Of course I am grateful. That is not the issue. The issue is I miss my kids when they leave.

I have three heading out in the next few weeks. I've enjoyed them being around some. They have been working, traveling etc., but it is quiet when they leave. Not sure how I will deal with the one who is joining the military next year. :/ guess I shod just be grateful, blah blah blah

 

[mom2rtk]

Well, the deed is done. We dropped him off Sunday. We then drove on about 90 minutes farther to take our daughter to see the St. Louis arch. The next morning we went back to see him for lunch before heading for home for good.

Sunday was REALLY hard. Even harder than I expected. It did help to be checking my phone and finding messages from others on this thread who have been through the same thing. The 4 hour drive down was the worst. Way too long and stressful. I hope he can get a parking pass and bring a car next year so we don't have more long drives like that to dread.

After we left that first night, I wondered what the heck we were thinking coming back the next day. It just seemed ill-advised. But I'm so glad we did. With the deed sort of done already, it was nice to see him a bit settled and all of us in a little better frame of mind. It also gave him a chance to settle into his room and text me a list of a few things we could pick up for him.

I don't ever want to do that again. And I guess I won't have to because it will never be the first time again. For that I'm thankful. We have now forbidden our daughter to go more than an hour away when she starts college in 6 years.

Courage and hugs to those still facing the big day.