Have you/would you send your child to bed without dinner, as a "punishment"?

[Caradana]

I wonder if, when my kiddie days come, I'd be more against doing this to a girl than to a boy. I feel really strongly about not connecting food with feelings, behaviors or worthiness in a girl's mind. I worry about that setting the stage for a less-than-healthy relationship with food later. If it happens once, it's probably water under the bridge. If it happens again and again, it becomes a pattern that affects thinking. I won't allow that.

 

[aristocatz]

Initially I thought that denying a child a basic need, such as a meal, is a form of abuse, but after reading some of the responses, I think there is a fine line to cross here. If you are denying dinner for an unrelated issue, it's completely wrong to do this. If the child is voluntarily refusing to eat because they don't approve of the meal, I think giving them the option of "take it or leave it" is completely appropriate.

I just despise that "You didn't clean your room-no dinner for you tonight!!"

 

[minkydog]

I wonder if, when my kiddie days come, I'd be more against doing this to a girl than to a boy. I feel really strongly about not connecting food with feelings, behaviors or worthiness in a girl's mind. I worry about that setting the stage for a less-than-healthy relationship with food later. If it happens once, it's probably water under the bridge. If it happens again and again, it becomes a pattern that affects thinking. I won't allow that.

I've had the same rules for 23 years. It never mattered to me whether it was my boys or my girl. Rather than worry about food, I have chosen to watch my words. I try not to tie their looks or body image to self-worth. I don't comment negatively on their hair, their clothes, or their weight unless I see that they are clearly losing weight. Then I just check in with them to see what's going on. Usually it's just that they're juggling a busy schedule and not making time to eat. Once we address it(calmly) the problem just takes care of itself. My kids are big now, so they pretty much choose whatever they want. And most of the time they choose healthy stuff. Of course, healthy stuff is all I have in the house so unless they want to hop in the car and go get something, they have to be satisfied with what's in the pantry.

 

[MaumeeMom]

I'll agree with Papa Deuce on this. If one of my kids does something bad involving the meal (throws it away, complains too much about it, sneaks it to the dog...) then yeah, I'll readily send them to bed without eating. (and people please stop acting like withholding one meal is literally starving the poor kid to death. It's only one meal, in the morning they'll probably eat their breakfast a little more happily)
I also agree that I wouldn't use that as a punishment for something that wasn't related to it (Not doing homework, fighting, etc...)

Did I ever get punished as a child in this manner? Sure did. Did it emotionally damage or physically affect me? Nope, and I have an extra 15 pounds I need to get rid of to prove it.

Exactly! Missing one meal is not going to hurt the child. Without going into details, I've done it once and am pretty sure DS learned his lesson because it hasn't happened again. I don't think that I've scarred him for life, nor do I feel he will have an eating disorder when he grows up. I also don't think going without the evening meal for one night caused him PAIN as another poster mentioned. Please, it is one meal -before bed - he went to sleep and was in a better mood the next morning.

I see that I am in the minority but it worked for me and I have great kids so I refuse to apologize for actually disciplining them if they needed it.

 

[shortbun]

So, just clarifying, with no idea how old your children are, if they threw a temper tantrum, at age 10, and tossed their food on the floor, you would get them more food?

My Dad did this once, perhaps Mom should have sent him to bed without dinner. We found out later that his behavioral disorder was being caused by diabetes. Once he got his sugar under control, he began behaving normally.

It's simple. Want to cause worse behavior problems? Start by withholding basic human needs. Food thrown on the floor begets children cleaning the floor and NOT children being punished by withholiding food. Also, what was the cause of the tantrum? 10yo'ds throwing tantrums is a whole other thread. This would be a very clear indicator of a behavior disorder to me.

 

[shortbun]

Initially I thought that denying a child a basic need, such as a meal, is a form of abuse, but after reading some of the responses, I think there is a fine line to cross here. If you are denying dinner for an unrelated issue, it's completely wrong to do this. If the child is voluntarily refusing to eat because they don't approve of the meal, I think giving them the option of "take it or leave it" is completely appropriate.

I just despise that "You didn't clean your room-no dinner for you tonight!!"

I don't think allowing a child to turn down a meal is a punishment. Rather forcing them to eat something would be. We have a policy around here that if you don't like what's on the table, you can skip it or you can fix yourself a peanut butter sandwich. This came from a friend who is a pediatric dietician and specializes in eating disorders. My son has rarely taken this option but when he does, I pay attention to what I'm serving him and it's not likely I present that food again - OR, he's just not hungry.

 

[Papa Deuce]

My Dad did this once, perhaps Mom should have sent him to bed without dinner. We found out later that his behavioral disorder was being caused by diabetes. Once he got his sugar under control, he began behaving normally.

It's simple. Want to cause worse behavior problems? Start by withholding basic human needs. Food thrown on the floor begets children cleaning the floor and NOT children being punished by withholiding food. Also, what was the cause of the tantrum? 10yo'ds throwing tantrums is a whole other thread. This would be a very clear indicator of a behavior disorder to me.

Well, what made me pick that was an incident I saw in a restaurant. Maybe the child had some disorder or issue; I don't know. But my wife and I saw the child - about 8 -10 years old, we guessed - arguing with his mom in Bertucci's restaurant. He eventually got so mad that he slapped his plate on the side and it went flying like a frisbee about 5 or 6 feet, and it splashed on another patron when it hit the floor.

 

[DaParkers]

I've made my son eat something other than what the rest of us ate for dinner(i.e. oatmeal). I would never punish him with not being able to eat, though. That can cause serious issues. Do you want your kids afraid that they won't eat? Hunger isn't the only pain that child might feel. What about the emotional pain? You could really scare a child. They may believe that they'll die if they don't eat. Most children are easily emotionally hurt. That borders on child abuse, cruelty, and neglect in my opinion.

 

[aristocatz]

I don't think allowing a child to turn down a meal is a punishment. Rather forcing them to eat something would be. We have a policy around here that if you don't like what's on the table, you can skip it or you can fix yourself a peanut butter sandwich. This came from a friend who is a pediatric dietician and specializes in eating disorders. My son has rarely taken this option but when he does, I pay attention to what I'm serving him and it's not likely I present that food again - OR, he's just not hungry.

I think I worded my reply wrong because I agree with everything you said! I would never force a child to eat something they didn't want to either.

Someone else on here said something very smart about the repercussions of associating eating with negative emotions. Never a good idea to do.

 

[teskak]

My DD is 5, and right now we are working hard at not letting her get into that picky phase of "i don't like it' just because she thinks there would be something better on offer.

We take care to choose meals that she is likely to eat, and in the cases of where we are eating something she has proven not to like, say a curry then she gets to have just cooked meat, vegetables and plain rice without the spices.

But if she does not eat that or something previously proven to be equally acceptable to her:
1) No dessert;
2) No filling up on milk - it becomes water only
3) No filling up on bananas, cheese, soups etc that we have on hand for when she is home late from daycare and just plain exhausted

Dinner goes in the fridge and can be presented to her if she changes her mind once she is in bed - BUT it does not become an excuse for her to stay up later watching TV while eating, she had her chance (usually got 3+ warnings of increasing severity).. Instead it is eat the food in her bed by herself.


And no, we do not cater to her for chicken nuggets etc

 

[NHdisneylover]

Well i agree with Papa Deuce here. I have not with held food as punishment, but I would if it was a natural consequence of the behaviour like throwing a fit at dinner (as posted) or refusing to wash hands to eat. Simple stuff. I also think not eating one meal is not that big of a deal and will not cause the child enough "pain" to have lasting efefct (emotionally of physically) if it is a rare occurnce and for an obvious related reason. Honestly, if a child (without a cognitive disorder) is sent to bed without eating because he threw food at his sister I think he will think "hmmm--maybe throwing food at sister is a bad idea" not "yikes. We may run out of food. I might starve to death."

Goodness--we have missed meals because we thought we would have time to eat on a layover and our first plane was late or because the trains' bistro was closed when ti was supposed to be open. I felt badly for the kids and apologized (and felt badly for myself!) but I don't think they were permently scarred (they still like to travel) or damaged by those missed meals.

I wonder if, when my kiddie days come, I'd be more against doing this to a girl than to a boy. I feel really strongly about not connecting food with feelings, behaviors or worthiness in a girl's mind. I worry about that setting the stage for a less-than-healthy relationship with food later. If it happens once, it's probably water under the bridge. If it happens again and again, it becomes a pattern that affects thinking. I won't allow that.

Honestly, I would think if you differintiate how you treat food issues based onthe sex of the child that might lead to a problem in the first place (or trigger someone who is inclined that way to begin with). Just something to ponder.

10yo'ds throwing tantrums is a whole other thread. This would be a very clear indicator of a behavior disorder to me.

On a regular basis, yeah I'd agree with you. Once or twice? No, I do not think every bad behaviour is a sign of a disorder. Maybe the kid knows it works for their friend and they want to try it and see if it will work for them. Maybe she is having trouble getting her temper under control and just needs an external reminder (parent enforcing rules) that she needs to do so. Maybe she is tired because she snuck a flashilight under the covers and read all night. I truly do not believe my 10 year old has a disorder. He is a great kid. Every adult who works with him goes on and on about how polite he is. 98% of the time he functions very well in the world and behaves like an angel. Once in a blue moon (maybe every 6 months or so) he will "lose it" and scream at me or his siter over something and stomp upstairs and slam his door shut. I suppose i can imagine that if he happend to lose it while eating he might knowck his palte to teh floor. Acceptable behaviour? No. Behavioural disorder? No. Normal kid working on handle everything so that by the time he is an adult he can? Yep.