Have you had 'the talk' with your parents?

[QT Pooh]

No, it's not what you think - no birds or bees.

Have you discussed your parents' will/preferred funeral arrangements/etc. with them? If so, how did you approach it? Neither of my parents are ill, but they're getting into their late 60's. I figured now would be as good a time as any.

Also, I have three sisters. Should this be done as a group meeting (so there are no hard feelings)?

Thanks for any/all advice and opinions!

 

[bananiem]

My parents are in the 80's. A few years ago they let us know the funeral home that has their plans and that the lawyer has the will and trust set up so it won't have to go through probate. They did it all, then just let us know. Now we're trying to convince them they can afford assisted living. THAT is a harder conversation, IMO.

 

[Marseeya]

I've always known about my parents' plans and where they want to be buried and all (they have plots).

The tough part was asking about a will. I started asking them about it over 10 years ago and they wouldn't discuss it. It was a major concern because they've always been in ill health. Basically I just told them that it wasn't that I wanted anything from them, but it would save my sister and me a lot of grief when they passed.

They finally got around to it last year and they're in their 70s.

When you do have the talk, just gently say that you want to do things the way that would make them happiest. I think we'd all want that for our parents.

 

[MissBubbles]

I tried with mine...went nowhere. I'm an only child and my parents are 67 & 81. My dad is not in that great of health, but, what can you do? I'm not pressing for details. My biggest fear is trying to find the insurance policies, bank information, etc.

I think I would try to get your siblings together and have a meeting betweeen all of you. Good luck.

 

[disykat]

We've always known about their will, where to find their important papers, etc. but we haven't talked about specific memorial arrangements. I do know they'll want their memorials to be at church after burial or cremation.

I have a file folder in my filing cabinet that has all their emergency info.

 

[DisMN]

It's a great talk to have and we've just hit it head on choosing not to be shy about the details.

HOWEVER, I'd suggest one addition to your "talk".....that is adding some discussion on how to handle their old age, nursing home wishes, plans one or both of them may have at or near their time of death. Talking about these sometimes touchy subjects can help avoid nasty surprises later on (think Terri Schiavo here).

Don't be shy. Dig right in! These are important discussions to have with your parents!

 

[moniot]

My parents went through a hard time after their parents died. So they know how hard it is when things are not written down and prepared ahead of time so they took care of everything. I hope you can find a way to talk to them. I say make it a family thing. That way everyone know what is going on.

 

[tiff211]

My dad is a planner, (I take after him). He has his whole funeral planned out, down to who will sing at the service. He keeps sending me revisements as his friends pass on. . He has taken care of life insurance and I am the beneficiary and keeps revising that as well increasing the amount. It's just me and my older brother, but he deems me the more "responsible" one. He does have one policy where my brother is the beneficiary as well but again I have that one also. Of course it makes me sad to think about it and discuss it but I am so thankful to him for taking care of all this so when that day comes, I won't have to worry about making arrangements during my grief.

My mom on the other hand, refuses to talk about it or deal with it. She is extremely religious and always takes the "God will take care of everything" approach. She is not good with finances, don't have life insurance, will, or any future planning. She "wings" it. Always has. The thing is I have 4 brother and 2 sisters from her side and I am the only one again who would be in the position to do anything. And, my position is not a position really just better off the my siblings who are still in college and finding their way. My same older brother is 45, single and just getting by. So, that makes me nervous but I have no idea what to do about it.

 

[Nancy]

We all know what my Mom wants when her time comes. I know where the important papers are and I'm sure my sisters do too. I am the only one that lives in the same town, but my older sister is in charge once she gets here.

 

[KelNottAt]

It's a great talk to have and we've just hit it head on choosing not to be shy about the details.

HOWEVER, I'd suggest one addition to your "talk".....that is adding some discussion on how to handle their old age, nursing home wishes, plans one or both of them may have at or near their time of death. Talking about these sometimes touchy subjects can help avoid nasty surprises later on (think Terri Schiavo here).

Don't be shy. Dig right in! These are important discussions to have with your parents!

We have 5 parents: Mom and Stepdad are all set up with wills, trusts, LTC, etc. (How ironic that they're the youngest of the bunch.) Dad may never do the paperwork. He's a free-spirit who resists all types of preparation, especially anything that may get the government involved.

MIL & FIL may just be getting around to drawing up wills. They now own their primary residence jointly with SIL so FINALLY they see a reason to set their affairs in order. They have absolutely no savings, and no life insurance. At 70 and 71, they still must work fulltime to make ends meet.

We tried to talk about "old age" arrangements with my IL's a few years ago. All they said was "we're sure our kids (they have 5) will take care of us." To which we answered, "Of course we will! But we need to know what kind of care you desire." They just repeated their original statement.

So we tried asking them specifically: "Do you want to move in with one of us?" "Do you want one of us to move in with you?" "Do you want round-the-clock nursing care at home?" "Do you want to live in 'continuing care?'" Their answers to all these questions were the same:

"Well, we really are planning to drop dead without warning. So this discussion isn't necessary. But, if it doesn't go that way, we're sure our kids will take care of us."

Of course their avoidance is based on the fact that they have no assets to help with their own care. Regrettably, they refuse to see that that's exactly the reason we need to talk about it and get ready.

 

[2sweetangels]

No, that issue never came up, I don't even know if my mom has any life insurance to help us with her funeral, not saying your gonna die mom (Nite0wl71) I love my mom and never really thought about the day she dies. Her mom has passed away almost 1 year ago and that was hard enough to think about, I can't imagine what I would be like when my mom passes.

 

[chrissyk]

I struggled with how to have this talk with my parents so it actually got through to them. However, in the past year, my grandparents' health has taken a turn for the worse and my parents have therefore gotten a clue. They have done their estate planning quite nicely. Now I just need for them to organize what they have in some understandable form so we're sure that everything is accounted for after they both pass. I found some books on organizing your estate on Amazon, so guess what they're getting for XMas?!

 

[PaulaSue]

Good Luck! Both DH and I are only children so no others to help.

With my IL's it happened when my MIL's brother died of brain cancer at a young age. They got their papers in order right after that.

With my parents it is starting. My GM died a year ago so that has my Mom starting her plans. My Father's health is bad so that has started it.

 

[EthansMom]

My folks are in their 50s. I am the Executor of Mom and Stepdad's wills if any should happen to both of them, so I have copies of their wills and other legal docs. I also know that Mom would like to have a Mass said in her honor and wishes to be buried at the Catholic cemetary (away from the highway since she hates noise ). Mom and Stepdad would want to be buried together. Since Mom collects angels, I told her I would have a nice angel etched/inscribed on her tombstone, which she thought would be very nice.

My Mom also has copies of our wills and other docs since Mom is the Executor of our estate if something should happen to both of us. Also, Mom and Stepdad would be the guardians of our children. They know that we are organ donors and would prefer to be cremated.

My Dad's brother was the Executor of his estate, last I heard, if anything should happen to him. Dad is also remarried and I assume that my brother and I would only get token amounts, if anything, if his wife should outlive him. I don't think that my Dad much cares what happens to him after he passes and honestly, whatever service/burial arrangements that Stepmom would prefer are fine with me, so long as I am invited.

I know my MIL and StepFIL don't have wills written up and I've discussed with MIL that they should. FIL and StepMIL do have wills.

Regarding how to discuss wills and burial arrangements, etc., I don't think there is any need to have a big family meeting. We have just let those around us know that they should have wills to make sure that their assets pass on to the people they wish to have them. We really don't care what we might get from the passing of our family members; afterall, it's not our money, and we would prefer to have our parents alive then to have their money.

So, I think that the important thing is to have a conversation about whether your parents have Wills, Health Care Powers of Attorney, and Living Wills and where they keep these documents in case you need them in the future. Also, a general discussion with Mom and Dad about funeral preferences is a good idea.

While we're at it, do you have a Will?

 

[ElizaB39]

My parents have done everything down to long term care insurance and mailing us all a six page list of things they want each of us and grandkids to have. My one bro called and asked about page 7? Mom said, "page 7, there is no page 7." Bro said, "you know, the one where you talk about who gets the money!" We all got a good laugh out of that one including mom and dad.

Two of my sibs have the paperwork for what they want as far as burial, services and etc. when they pass on. My dad will have a military burial and not sure if mom will be with him, or if she will be with the two babies they buried some 45 years ago.

I think we are all pretty happy/okay with the distribution of things. I did write to mom and mention several items that she did not have listed. She added them to certain peoples lists and that was that. They also distribute items as they come for visits. Wonder what they'll be bringing when they come for Thanksgiving!

My in laws are another matter. Financially they are okay, I just worry about long term care insurance as both of their sets of parents were ill for quite a while before they died.

 

[froglady]

My mother has everything planned, except for the when. Right now, with lots of help from me, she can continue to live independently. Her doctor will help me "convince" her to enter assisted living or a nursing home when it's apparent that I can't handle things safely or efficiently. This is the only major challenge I have; all of the paperwork is done, including my being her Health Surrogate. A copy of her Living Will is on file at her Hospital, Doctor's Office, in the office of her Elderly Apt Building, and I have my own copy.

The building where she lives requires residents to have all of this paperwork (wills, etc) completed before moving in, including the name of a Funeral Home to call if they find a resident dead. I suspect they've had problems with families in the past.

 

[Blondie]

My parents have had wills for years now.

With the recent passing of my father, it has motivated my mom to go out and get an irrevocable burial fund so when it's her time, the money is there. She also has what is called a "pre need" with everything planned, what music she would like to have played, etc.

Since her mother (my grandmother) has been in a nursing home for about 5 years now, that has really opened her eyes up as to how things go (legally) when someone is placed in a nursing home, what happens to that person's assets, etc.

She's got it all under control, and for that, I am very thankful! It's difficult enough to think about, let alone discuss.

Good luck!

 

[Chicago526]

We were lucky, our parents came to US about the will. They didn't say anything about the funeral agrangements though, I should ask sometime.

Anyway, they sat my brothers and I down and explained what they set up (a living trust) and why they did what they did, and who was going to be executor and why, and all sorts of stuff related to their estate. Dad keeps jokeing they'll spend it all down to the last cent and won't leave us a thing, but in reality our inheritance will be a sizable one. Nothing we can retire on, but nothing to sneeze at either, and they wanted us to know what was what. Of course all that can change, too. They do have long term care insurance, but that only goes so far, if either of them have a lengthy illness, they really COULD spend every cent and leave us with nothing! A good reason never to count on money from your parents, you just never know what will happen!

Anyway, it is an important topic, and if your parents (or grandparents) aren't the type to come to you about it, you should bring it up. Say "I was reading in the paper about wills and was wondering..." or something like that. Keep it light and see what their reaction is. With any luck they'll open right up. If they seem to resist, well, you know them best, you'll have to decide how much you want to push the issue. At least find out where all the important documents are (insurance policies, wills, etc.) and the name of their lawyer, if nothing else. We had to do that with Grandma. She thinks that you NEVER talk about money matters. My uncle had to really twist her arm just to tell him basic stuff like what bank the safety deposit box was at, and he's the only one who knows (I'm willing to bet he's the executor, so even Grandma saw the sence in letting him in on it, I guess!).

If they refuse to talk about it, see if you can get them to agree to write their wishes and important information down and put someplace you can find it upon their passing. You'll at least have something to go on when the time comes, and they won't have to talk about it if they don't want to.

 

[gshanny]

I know my dad and his DW have a will, but that is all I know. I guess I need to talk with him someday about it. My Gma is another story. She called me up this summer and asked me to come get my name on all her accounts. When I walked in the door she hands me a folder and tells me to look at it. I open it and am trying to realize what I am seeing and she proudly announces everything is planned except what she will wear. It floored me to say the least. I am glad she has everything in order, but it was hard to see that folder. She lost both her kids and DH in the span of 14 months and she talks about death more. It is so hard to have to talk about any of it is all I can say.

 

[McKelly]

I talked with my mother about this. There is a cute two bedroom condo two blocks from us and I told my DM and DF to look at it and consider it (they currently own a home at least 1 1/2 hours from myself and siblings). I told them they weren't getting any younger (early 70's), which they agreed to, and it would make it much easier for my DH and myself to care for them if they lived closer to us. Things such as lawn care, grocery shopping, doctor appointments, things like that. My mother told me that she is not moving out of her home, and I should just "kill" her and throw her in a river and then I wouldn't have to worry about who was going to take care of them. Well, I haven't discussed it with them since!!

Clearly, I had offended her. But we have a small house and have a DD6 and a DS4 and I just can't feasibly have them living here! And I don't believe my older brother and sister (whose kids are grown and out of the house) have volunteered. Besides, I still remember having my grandmother live with us when I was 8 or 9 and she was VERY ill, cancer, arthritis, diabetes and one day she had a stroke and I was home alone with her!! It terrified me and I still remember it to this day and I don't want that for my kids. Maybe I am selfish and mean, but I know I cannot handle having my parents live with us.