Have You Ever Hosted A Foreign Exchange Student? How Did It Go?

[tzolkin]

And I would never dream of making a guest contribute around the house. Even if the guest was a teenager who was trying to learn the American way of life. My grandmother would be rolling in her grave if I even though of doing such a thing.

I posted earlier in this thread, but I'll elaborate on that since you seem to think it's so rude.

If you have someone living in your home for an entire year, it's going to go much more smoothly if that person feels like they are part of the family rather than a guest.

Also, depending on your level of "guest" behavior, it's going to get exhausting and awkward. When I have guests I get them drinks, clear their plates from the table, prepare nicer/more formal meals, make sure their room/bath is spotless at all times, lay out towels, feel the need to ensure they are "entertained" etc. Even if I had been willing to do all that every single day, it would have been weird and would have created some issues between my own children and our exchange student.

I think I did plenty and she was very happy NOT being a guest. We included her in every family activity, took several special vacations just so she could see different areas of the country, did her laundry, constantly bought/cooked foods and treats that she enjoyed, threw her a birthday party, Christmas (she received just as many gifts as my kids both from us and from our extended family). The list goes on.

It doesn't appear that the agency is looking out for anyone but themselves in some cases. Are most agencies paid to match up kids with hosts?

Yes, they are. And this was where some of our negative experience with the agency stemmed from. Apparently the fees varied depending on what country the student was coming from, but some of these kids paid up to $10,000 to the agency.

I really felt all they received for that was a plane ticket and a last minute, not very well thought out match with a random host family. There were a few activities that they did, but all of those were things the kids still had to pay for. Ex. They did a Christmas party where they went out to lunch at a restaurant and all the kids were told to bring cash to pay for their own meal. Our "daughter" chose to not participate in most of the activities.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

I posted earlier in this thread, but I'll elaborate on that since you seem to think it's so rude.

If you have someone living in your home for an entire year, it's going to go much more smoothly if that person feels like they are part of the family rather than a guest.

Also, depending on your level of "guest" behavior, it's going to get exhausting and awkward. When I have guests I get them drinks, clear their plates from the table, prepare nicer/more formal meals, make sure their room/bath is spotless at all times, lay out towels, feel the need to ensure they are "entertained" etc. Even if I had been willing to do all that every single day, it would have been weird and would have created some issues between my own children and our exchange student.

I think I did plenty and she was very happy NOT being a guest. We included her in every family activity, took several special vacations just so she could see different areas of the country, did her laundry, constantly bought/cooked foods and treats that she enjoyed, threw her a birthday party, Christmas (she received just as many gifts as my kids both from us and from our extended family). The list goes on.

I agree with you. The exchange student we had was treated as another member of the family, except we celebrated the anniversary of her joining our family with fun activities. One time she got a t-shirt, one time my parents took us to Knotts Berry Farm, one time we went out to dinner.... When I got clothes, she got clothes, and she also participated in all of the chores we had to do. When she left we all cried, and remained close for years until she was killed in a car crash several years later. I'm still friends with her siblings, and we consider ourselves family of sorts (we visited their house, and they visited our house several times).

 

[NYDisGuy]

Also, depending on your level of "guest" behavior, it's going to get exhausting and awkward. When I have guests I get them drinks, clear their plates from the table, prepare nicer/more formal meals, make sure their room/bath is spotless at all times, lay out towels, feel the need to ensure they are "entertained" etc. Even if I had been willing to do all that every single day, it would have been weird and would have created some issues between my own children and our exchange student.

Isn't this what you are expected to do though? As far as preparing meals and entertainment. I feel like different agencies have different requirements which may be part of the issue. I looked into this a while ago and it seemed more like they were your guest then family with the laid out expectations, even if they say treat them like family.

 

[rastahomie]

I would expect an exchange student to clean up after himself, do his own laundry, wipe off his plate and put it in the sink, etc. I wouldn't make him mow the lawn or chop veggies or anything like that (unless he wanted to, of course).

 

[tzolkin]

I would expect an exchange student to clean up after himself, do his own laundry, wipe off his plate and put it in the sink, etc. I wouldn't make him mow the lawn or chop veggies or anything like that (unless he wanted to, of course).

You said your grandmother would be rolling in her grave if you ever expected a "guest" to contribute around the house, so this was not how I interpreted your post. I would never expect a guest to help out in the kitchen, clean their room, do laundry, etc. I would put those things under the category of what my grandmother would be rolling in her grave over.

Isn't this what you are expected to do though? As far as preparing meals and entertainment. I feel like different agencies have different requirements which may be part of the issue. I looked into this a while ago and it seemed more like they were your guest then family with the laid out expectations, even if they say treat them like family.

Expected to wait on them 24/7?! I can't imagine any agency requiring that nor any host being able to sustain that level of "service" for a year toward a child in their home.

I am genuinely interested to hear what expectations you were given. I can't possibly imagine anyone agreeing to volunteer for that.

 

[Magpie]

I would expect an exchange student to clean up after himself, do his own laundry, wipe off his plate and put it in the sink, etc. I wouldn't make him mow the lawn or chop veggies or anything like that (unless he wanted to, of course).

I don't think anyone's suggesting you should become a slave driver.

Teens in a stranger's house can be awkward about offering to help, even if they want to. And they often don't know what is expected. So it's nice to say something like, "Would you like to join me in the kitchen while I make dinner?" Then you can find out how much they know about cooking, differences between the way they normally eat at home and how you eat, and they can naturally step into doing something small and helpful while you chat. You might be able to teach them something, and they might be able to teach you.

Basically, if you're doing something, rather than leave them sitting alone in the livingroom to play with their phone, try to make them part of your activity. You won't know if they want to help out, unless you give them the opportunity and make it clear their help would be welcomed.

To be quite honest, this is exactly how I treat my guests, too. I don't like to abandon them for long stretches of time, so I try to involve them in my activities in some way. Even if it's just parking them on a chair in the kitchen with a glass of iced tea while I cook.

Remember I mentioned earlier about feeling lonely and bored, while visiting that single father and his son? Well, after my visit he complained to my mother that I just sat around all day and never did anything. I was waiting for him to tell me what to do, and he was waiting for me to offer. I didn't know I could!

 

[Klayfish]

I don't think anyone's suggesting you should become a slave driver.

Teens in a stranger's house can be awkward about offering to help, even if they want to. And they often don't know what is expected. So it's nice to say something like, "Would you like to join me in the kitchen while I make dinner?" Then you can find out how much they know about cooking, differences between the way they normally eat at home and how you eat, and they can naturally step into doing something small and helpful while you chat. You might be able to teach them something, and they might be able to teach you.

Basically, if you're doing something, rather than leave them sitting alone in the livingroom to play with their phone, try to make them part of your activity.

Yes, this. You can ease some of the awkwardness by having that conversation up front before they arrive (assuming the language barrier isn't overwhelming...been there, done that). Even with our au pair, we had the same situation. Expectations around taking care of the child are one thing...and even sometimes that isn't clear...but being a part of the family does include light household chores such as dishes or getting dinner ready. Often they want to help because they want to be part of the family, instead of just sitting there, as Magpie pointed out. But they aren't sure what to do, how to do it and don't want to "offend" or "upset" their host family. Once that awkwardness is bridged, then it becomes much easier.

 

[mickeyboat]

My kids begged to host a German student for two weeks last year. We said no, but after the group arrived, one of the placements did not work out, so we agreed to have a young girl stay with us. She is a lovely girl - polite and sweet. We skyped her parents once and they were wonderful as well, and so grateful that we had her staying with us. The exchange group had a number of activities planned, so we did not have to entertain her too much. However, we spend a lot of time during the Spring at my girls' softball games, and she did not enjoy watching. She preferred to spend time with another German student and her host family instead of with us. The reason she left her previous host family is because she is terrified of dogs, and we have a dog, so I was on alert all the time to make sure she felt comfortable. I think she was o.k. but I am sure she would have preferred to be in a home with no pets. I was never certain what to feed her because she was mostly a vegetarian, and I didn't have much time to prepare for her to be here. Her favorite part of her visit was being able to attend Prom! She had a blast. She also enjoyed going to Wal Mart to buy American candy and to Sephora. She sent us a beautiful Christmas gift of German chocolate this year. All of the pieces were individually wrapped in brown paper and decorated with drawings and glitter. She obviously spent a lot of time putting it together for us. I would say that is was a good experience, but one we will probably not repeat, just because it was awkward, especially for my husband, to have a female teenage stranger in our small home.

I would think it would be difficult and a little strange to host a student if one had no other kids in the home around the same age.

 

[NYDisGuy]

Expected to wait on them 24/7?! I can't imagine any agency requiring that nor any host being able to sustain that level of "service" for a year toward a child in their home.

I am genuinely interested to hear what expectations you were given. I can't possibly imagine anyone agreeing to volunteer for that.

I never said 24/7, I meant in terms of meal prep and providing cultural entertainment. The expectation was to provide 3 healthy square meals a day and a certain amount of entertainment, like history/cultural excursions twice a month for example that didn't interfere with school. Plus proper room setup, privacy etc. It definitely felt more like I was bringing in a guest then having a new family member with those stipulations.

 

[Magpie]

I never said 24/7, I meant in terms of meal prep and providing cultural entertainment. The expectation was to provide 3 healthy square meals a day and a certain amount of entertainment, like history/cultural excursions twice a month for example that didn't interfere with school. Plus proper room setup, privacy etc. It definitely felt more like I was bringing in a guest then having a new family member with those stipulations.

I don't know about you, but I do feed my family three healthy meals a day (including packed lunches), and we often enjoy history/cultural excursions. Especially when my kids were younger (they're adults now, and the one still living at home has a job), I very much liked showing them the local sights.

They also always have/had a proper room setup and privacy.

I can't imagine treating a family member any different!

 

[NYDisGuy]

I don't know about you, but I do feed my family three healthy meals a day (including packed lunches), and we often enjoy history/cultural excursions. Especially when my kids were younger (they're adults now, and the one still living at home has a job), I very much liked showing them the local sights.

They also always have/had a proper room setup and privacy.

I can't imagine treating a family member any different!

Like I said, I figured there would be a feeling out process and not a strict set of rules to abide by. When I was 17 I wasn't relying on my parents to make me packed lunches nor take me to museums. The fact that we HAVE to do it turned me off

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

I never said 24/7, I meant in terms of meal prep and providing cultural entertainment. The expectation was to provide 3 healthy square meals a day and a certain amount of entertainment, like history/cultural excursions twice a month for example that didn't interfere with school. Plus proper room setup, privacy etc. It definitely felt more like I was bringing in a guest then having a new family member with those stipulations.

I would certainly hope these would be the minimum expectations while hosting an exchange student. You wouldn't expect the same set up for your own kids living a foreign home?

 

[tzolkin]

I never said 24/7, I meant in terms of meal prep and providing cultural entertainment. The expectation was to provide 3 healthy square meals a day and a certain amount of entertainment, like history/cultural excursions twice a month for example that didn't interfere with school. Plus proper room setup, privacy etc. It definitely felt more like I was bringing in a guest then having a new family member with those stipulations.

You quoted my post about expectations about guest vs family where I outlined my norms for guests which included things that I would consider too "servant-like" to keep up with 24/7 for a year that the student would be with you, so that was what I thought you were responding to.

I was not talking about basic/every day meals and entertainment. I was referring to things one may do for guests that would be too much to keep up on a long term basis: fancy plating, serving drinks, being constantly aware and making sure they are having an enjoyable time, deferring to their preferences, etc. I know everyone has different expectations, but in my home there's no reason for a guest to go through my fridge or cabinets to serve themselves or, for example, I would feel rude if DH and I just went out onto the back porch to have a drink without including them. So things like that would be where I would draw different lines for "real" guests and exchange students/family.

All the things you listed are things I provide for my own children, so it wasn't a stretch to provide the same for our exchange student. I don't believe our agency laid out the expectations the same way, but yes, we were expected to provide food and include the student in all family activities. (If the student wanted to do things on their own, like go out with friends, buy clothing, etc that should be paid for out of their own spending money.)

 

[tzolkin]

Like I said, I figured there would be a feeling out process and not a strict set of rules to abide by. When I was 17 I wasn't relying on my parents to make me packed lunches nor take me to museums. The fact that we HAVE to do it turned me off

Just curious if this was a to be a paid host family. Ours was completely voluntary and you paid for everything out of your own pocket.

I could see where if they were giving you a monthly stipend that they may feel it necessary to be very explicit about providing meals and entertainment. Otherwise you could wind up with people who just agree to take in a student for the money and don't actually do anything with them.

 

[NYDisGuy]

Just curious if this was a to be a paid host family. Ours was completely voluntary and you paid for everything out of your own pocket.

I could see where if they were giving you a monthly stipend that they may feel it necessary to be very explicit about providing meals and entertainment. Otherwise you could wind up with people who just agree to take in a student for the money and don't actually do anything with them.

No, this was volunteer for 5-10 months

 

[Magpie]

Like I said, I figured there would be a feeling out process and not a strict set of rules to abide by. When I was 17 I wasn't relying on my parents to make me packed lunches nor take me to museums. The fact that we HAVE to do it turned me off

Well, considering it's a cultural exchange, I think asking host families to actually introduce the kids to some of their culture is not an unreasonable request. Similarly, so is asking host families to ensure the young person is adequately nourished.

For the record, my husband and adult daughter don't "rely" on me to make their lunches, I simply do it because that's how the division of labour has worked out in our home. I would assume that any visiting teenager would also be capable of making their own lunch, but at the very least, it's still on you to point them in the direction of the food, and ensure they know where everything is and how to assemble it. And also ensure that there's food in the house that they like to eat (something else I routinely do for family members).

If you're "turned off" at the idea of being asked to take a 17 year old to a museum or provide them with three healthy meals a day, this sort of thing probably isn't for you. And there's nothing wrong with that! It's not for us, either, as my husband doesn't like the idea of hosting a stranger in our home for any length of time. And I respect that, as well.

 

[Magpie]

Just curious if this was a to be a paid host family. Ours was completely voluntary and you paid for everything out of your own pocket.

I could see where if they were giving you a monthly stipend that they may feel it necessary to be very explicit about providing meals and entertainment. Otherwise you could wind up with people who just agree to take in a student for the money and don't actually do anything with them.

I imagine it's to ensure people don't take in students and just park them on the couch for six months, not allowing them to go anywhere except to school. Or worse, turn them into unpaid labour or childcare. And expect them to pay for all their own food, and forbid them from touching the family's food. And never take them out to see anything in their town.

I'm absolutely certain some people behave like this toward their exchange students, and that's why the rules exist.

A friend's daughter got a job teaching English in China. Her hosts took away her passport when she arrived and never let her leave the house (to protect her, they said). They didn't show her any of the country beyond the school compound. The food they gave her made her ill, and she wasn't allowed to go and purchase her own food. She was miserable and ended up coming home in just a few weeks.

 

[J'aime Paris]

When I was in HS (25+ years ago), my family hosted a girl from France for about a month in the summer. It was a blast! We were the same age, had similar interests, super positive experience. The following summer I went and stayed with her family for a month. Best summer of my life!!

We hosted a different girl from France about 9 years ago, just for a month in the summer again. The girl was 14, and my DD was 10. She was a very sweet girl, and we had a lot of fun! She was eager to do, see, try, experience everything!
If I had it to do over, I would have waited until my DD was a bit older. That way the girls would have had more common interests.

 

[tzolkin]

I imagine it's to ensure people don't take in students and just park them on the couch for six months, not allowing them to go anywhere except to school. Or worse, turn them into unpaid labour or childcare. And expect them to pay for all their own food, and forbid them from touching the family's food. And never take them out to see anything in their town.

I'm absolutely certain some people behave like this toward their exchange students, and that's why the rules exist.

Absolutely. I have unfortunately seen quite a few negative placements whether they were volunteers or not.

I agree that the same type of expectations (providing food and family activities) should be clearly expressed to EVERY host family. I was just curious if NYDisGuy's agency was being overly-specific about going to museums/doing educational activities on a certain schedule because they were providing a stipend to do so.

 

[gotomu212]

Yes, that is definitely part of it, no doubt. The au pair has a responsibility to provide up to 40 hours of child care per week, and gets paid to do so. So yes, I completely agree with you, there are some significant differences. However, much of it is very comparable...at least to hosting a high school exchange student (a middle school age child would definitely be different). The au pair is supposed to experience what "average" American life is all about. That's part of the pitch of the au pair program. You (the host family) get the child care, and the au pair gets to experience real life in America. They are encouraged to be a member of the family, go to school, experience American culture, share their own culture, etc... Very similar things to what I know about foreign exchange high school/college age students. The child care aspect can throw in a unique dynamic, but many things are the same.

I agree this. We had au pairs and exchange students and loved both types of experiences. There are some differences but overall their are way more similarities.

The biggest difference was that exchange students go off to school during the day. Au pairs stay at home and watch kids during the day. We paid au pairs for their work and had more child related chores for them and the exchange students needed a little more "parenting" (because they were slightly younger), but other than hat it was the same. They would eat dinner with us, go out to different activities (festivals, the zoo, museums), we would help them with different things (registering for college classes, opening a bank account, figuring out different American things worked), and we treated them just like a member of the family. In fact one still comes to visit us every year and we all cry when she leaves.

An au pair is very different from a local Person who works for you that has their own outside life and just comes over to watch your kid and your only interaction with them is in their official capacity.