Have you ever had a stalker?

[nliedel]

Yes, from the internet. I am a pretty open person. I am not afraid to talk about things in my life. Not my marital relations with my husband, but other things. I was on a board about 8 years ago and became friends in real life with one of the other members (it was a Usenet News board).

Now I want to start this by saying everyone, with only a few exceptions, I have ever met from the internet, including my husband of 14 years (a local bbs system) have been a great addition to my life. A joy and just fabulous. I do not think people "ask for it" by making friends in real life with their internet friends. It's like any other way to meet people. Be cautious and enjoy within reason.

I was posting to this board and I developed this person as an enemy after many months of friendship, including meeting in real life several times. This person, among other things,called our social worker about our adoption and told her not to allow it to be completed. We had high marks on our homestudy but it was scary for a while. There were calls to my employers saying they were unhappy customer and attempting to get me fired, this person tried to tell my husband I was having an affair with them (this person had some bad information. He used dates he had thought I was out of town but I was instead home so there was never any question it was a lie). He still posts about me. He has accused other people on the board of being me in disguise (I don't hide, that's one thing I can always say about myself).

I have not posted to that group in over 5 years and he still makes mention of me every couple of months or so. Posted that I am divorced because my husband caught me cheating, my children were taken from me and some other things. I don't get it. I would not even know about it but I still have friends that think they are doing me a favor by informing me. I have not gotten a "report" in a while. I think they either got tired of poking someone who ignored them or my friends got the hint.

He has said some terrible things about the death of my eldest son. The worst part about it was that I thought he was a good friend. Things I entrusted to him (this was a long standing friendship) were twisted and spat out in a scary way. I still get some e-mails from this person saying some scary things. I have blocked all known addresses but you cannot block everything if they change e-mail addy's a lot.

I should have known better. This person had a reputation for doing stuff like this but I always want to fix the world. I know I am going to be different. I am really stupid that way. I thought about hiding. About not ever putting anything out there again but I am a writer and I cannot live like that. It may be my eventual downfall but living in fear of something that might happen is just not a good way to live your life.

Should I have not befriended this person in the first place? I don't know. You don't know the effect your interaction is going to have on others. If I behaved differently then I might not have had the stress but despite this I am happy. I have a strong marriage and four gorgeous children and my life. Which is not perfect but except for a possible Lotto win there is nothing I would really change. I always hope this person finds happiness but I am not sure they will ever be able to. I still trust people. I don't know how to do it any other way.

 

[DisneyPhD]

Nope, I've never had a stalker. Guess I'm unloved. I am unable to go to the bathroom in peace and usually have a kitten following me, if not two and sometimes a cat or 2. The dogs usually leave me alone.

Glad your mystery was solved. How strange!

Unless you count me as your ceber stalker!

Really some of these stories are scarey and make mine look like nothing, (as uncomfortable as it makes me now.) It was one of those things that as 17 you don't think is so strange at the time, but realize as an adult how wrong it was. llij, how terrible for your family. That is why little things like this can be so scary, because little things can grow into big ones.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Oh, the fun kind of stalkers like we are are ok.

 

[Ladyhawke10]

Actually yes, and I got tired of assumptions that it meant I was "too nice" (stalkers are actually more attracted to people that give mixed messages or are too abrupt to them...they want to be validated by the object of their affection...so abusive frat types most often have stalkerish exes--for example). But anyway, until I had a stalker myself, I never knew how scary it is. It happened when I was in grad school getting my teaching credential (about 10 years ago) living with three other young women. I dated the guy maybe fives times over the course of five months--I didn't see him that much because he lived two hours away and I saw it as something extremely casual--someone nice to catch a movie with once in a great while. Well, suddenly, I meet someone else who I'm officially seeing, and I start forgetting to return the "stalkers" calls and am now too busy to see him. He suddenly brings up marriage, which makes no sense whatsoever because I don't know him very well and we've never even been remotely serious. Up until then, he seemed normal enough, but like I said, I didn't know him that well and he lived far away so I didn't know people who knew of him either.

Obviously, I bring up the objective facts to this off-the-wall proposal, and he starts basically camping out in my complex parking lot, waiting for me to get home so he can try to talk to me. I would run inside and not answer the door--he would knock incessantly until my neighbors would tell him to leave. He also started leaving notes on my door. I immediately got my own phone line (I didn't want to change the number for everyone because all four of us used the same phone line--and that would have hasseled all my innocent roommates). He kept calling the old line that still belonged to my roommates, pleading for one more chance with me, even though I wouldn't speak to him at all and they told him I was not interested at all.

I eventually got out of my lease because I felt like this was hurtful to everyone who lived around me and I was beginning to feel afraid. So I moved back in with my parents. He must have found out somehow because he started calling there, and even left a message that he was coming by--in a friendly tone, like he had no memory of how long I'd been trying to stay away from him. I considered calling authorities but I always felt sorry for him, to be honest. I was worried he'd try to kill himself or something and I didn't want to hurt him anymore--obviously something in his past had screwed him up royally and he was unable to cope. I didn't want to callously bring the police on him if it was an issue that would ultimately end up harmless--which it did. What finally got to him was when my parents would answer the phone (I had given up on answering it entirely) and tell him not to call anymore. It took about 18 months, but finally everything completely stopped!

Other than dating or having the occasional boyfriend that turns out to be a jerk, that's by far the most extreme experience I've ever had with someone I'd label a "stalker." Honestly, I think this label gets thrown away far too easily. I actually think I handled it well by maintaining a perspective of compassion while keeping myself completely separate from him, saving my friends and neighbors from dealing with it and getting the assistance from my parents. I don't think anyone turned out hurt by the situation--except for my own inconvenience--not the end of the world.

I'm afraid I'm going to get flames now for not jailing the guy....but I think there are worse people in the world than stalkers who are obviously people in a lot of pain.

 

[ilovepcot]

This is the most I'll say about my stalker. It happened 25 years ago and it still seems like yesterday at times. The stalker could get past security *undetected* to where I was working late at night. He said he was there to "protect" me! He knew my whereabouts when I was out of town....he had to have followed me there! Bottom line and last straw, he threatened DH's life. We moved 800 miles and changed our name. We have the best security available for our home and I continue to look over my shoulder and always will. *This person is not of American decent and according to his cultural beliefs, he is trying to look after my interests and protect me.*

 

[Ladyhawke10]

Honestly, it really bothered me to relive the whole thing and now I wish I hadn't contributed Oh well, I haven't read the whole thread yet but I think I need to close the book on certain parts of my past...I have the creeps now

 

[Dakota_Lynn]

I’ve had two; lucky me.


The first was harmless, but annoying and offensive. I was 16 when a boy from another high school decided he “liked” me. I caught him driving by my house a few times, but that is all I actually witnessed. I’m very ADD and just didn’t notice it that much. Three years later, I met him in a social situation and he told me all these things about myself; when my music lessons were and where they were at, where my family went grocery shopping, who I hung out with, the kinds of cars my friends drove right down to their license plate numbers; the list goes on and on. It was very creepy. I have a temper and I told him what a sick **** I thought he was. A year later I left the state of Ohio forever. My friends still tease me about it saying things like “I wonder how many states XYZ followed you through before he turned around and went back to Ohio?” I tell you that was one sick puppy; but not as sick as the one who latched on to me here in Washington State.


I started out taking a few classes at a junior college so I could have enough credits to transfer to the University. I took a debate class and was assigned the task of debating “pro-homosexuality.” I was on a team with two straight students and since I was the only gay person on the team, I took most responsibility for the project. They both knew I was a lesbian and were both very supportive. They guy, unfortunately, became too supportive. At first I thought he was being friendly and although I wasn't comfortable around him I didn't want to be rude. But his behavior got creepier and creepier over the term. My friends noticed that he always found us when we were studying chemistry in an empty classroom or hanging out in the student center. He was odd as can be if you can imagine; shy yet aggressive. I don’t know if that makes sense but that is how we all perceived it.


Anyway, I graduated that term and the following term attended the University. This guy also graduated and moved on to the University. For a full year I was constantly followed. He would corner me in elevators and “accidentally” brush his hand against my behind and he did other things he pretended were accidents. He always knew when my classes let out and where they were at and he was always waiting for me when they ended. Even my teachers noticed and expressed concern. One of them asked me to talk to the campus police but I didn’t want to be obnoxious and make a mountain out of a moll hill if you know what I mean. The third term I started parking my car on a quiet side street at a friend’s house to save money on the parking permit. A few weeks into this, I went to my car to find this guy there waiting. He started to speak to me in a very slow and menacing way. He didn’t come right out and threaten me, but implied that he “hated it when his friends tried to avoid him.” Then he pulled out a huge knife. I panicked and started babbling about how my friend would be there any minute. Unfortunately he knew the friend I was referring to and knew his schedule as well. This was the only day of the week that my friend had a longer schedule than I did. By the grace of God, he left and I was unharmed. But at that point I followed my teacher’s advice and went to the campus police. They ran a search on him and guess what? He was NOT a registered student at my school. This guy had come to my campus every single day for a whole school year with a backpack full of technology textbooks pretending to be a student. Oh my God, I was so scared. I ended up withdrawing from school for a year. Also, I moved just to be safe although he never did seem to know where I lived. Thank God! I went back to school a year later and everything was fine; I never saw him again except once in a UPS office a few years later. When I saw him I turned and walked right out before he saw me.


That was some scary stuff. I will never forget how that felt. One topic I feel strongly about is stalking; I think these creeps need to do some serious time in jail. I feel badly for everybody who has to go through this. I’ve learned a lot about stalking since I went through it and it’s shockingly common. It doesn’t just happen to the beautiful girls; I’m no looker; just a slightly overweight lesbian with a child! I wouldn’t have believed that I could attract a stalker of this magnitude. So never assume it can’t happen to you or your children and always be on the alert for people who set off that "bad" feeling inside. And trust your instinct! When your gut tells you something is wrong then forget the manners your mom taught you and tell the person who is bothering you to leave you the hell alone. If he doesn't, go directly to the police.

 

[llij]

Really some of these stories are scarey and make mine look like nothing, (as uncomfortable as it makes me now.) It was one of those things that as 17 you don't think is so strange at the time, but realize as an adult how wrong it was. llij, how terrible for your family. That is why little things like this can be so scary, because little things can grow into big ones.

I totally agree with you, DisneyPhD. The sad part of the whole thing was no one in our family really knew that he was stalking her or harrassing her after the break up. Only after she died did her friends open up as to what was going on and how bad it really was. In the midst of it, neither she nor her friends thought it was serious. They were both getting married a few months after my DH and I were. At the wedding we were so happy for both of them and thought they were a great couple. She broke it off with him shortly after our wedding b/c he was "too possessive" of her. I guess looking back we can all see little signs of it, but not to the extent that we thought he would harm her. That saying 'hindsight is 20/20' is so true. He was a New York City cop and he confronted her at work at work one day. I guess he scared her enough that she took off and tried to get somewhere safe. She fled to a police station for safety, but he ended up killing her in front of the station as she was trying to run in. He then turned the gun on himself. It was in all of the local papers and on the news. They even profiled her story in an article about stalkers in a national magazine.

To all of you who have been stalked, I'm sorry to hear about your stories and glad to hear that the outcomes have been positive.

 

[jonestavern]

Do you count being married for 16 years? Then, yes!

for his first 7 years I guess you could say DS stalked me!

seriously, glad DisneyPHD your stalking has been resolved! these are some unnerving experiences-
when I was in my late 20's a new, hulking (about 6'5") guy started working at our plant & from day 1 he began stalking me & 2 other girls.
He also regaled the male co-workers with tales of atrocities he committed during his time in service. since my Dad was a career Navy officer it was easy to check it out & that just scared me more. I got out of work at midnight & had a 40 minute ride home, long, dark, sparsely traveled country road. I became accustomed to stopping by the State Police barracks & receiving escorts, this pretty much stopped the following me home business. What was gratifying is that all my co-workers would never give him any info on me (or his other 2 'favorites'). It was horrible to look up from my work to find him staring at me. Ugh...like OP said, still gives me the creeps--sometimes I'm so glad I'm fat now!

Jean

 

[grimley1968]

Man, this is a disturbing thread, but an interesting one. I'm so sorry about all the situations that ended so badly.

My closest claim to being stalked is a few weeks ago. We have a neighbor who got hooked on meth some time ago (meth is a scourge around here). One night when he was high he came over to my house as I was saying goodbye to some Christmas party guests. This was 11:30 at night.

He started asking where my dad worked and very personal information. My dad is locally well-known and has been a target of creeps for a generation now, so I know not to give out personal information about him. I had to listen to him rant on about how the DEA, ATF, etc. were after him for about 15 minutes before I was finally able to shut the door on him in a reasonably polite way.

I found out that 2 days later he had stopped by my dad's office. Luckily my dad was out of town at the time. He started asking the receptionist what kind of car my dad drove, his address, etc. and sort of brandished a knife without holding it (kind of showing it prominently on his belt). The receptionist immediately called the police. Fortunately, the cops had a recording of this guy threatening his wife (now ex-wife). That, plus the implied threats he was making against my family, enabled the cops to arrest him in his car, where they found some drugs and guns (he's a felon and felons can't own guns in KY). He went to jail for a few weeks, but they couldn't hold him.

Fortunately, he is at least temporarily off the meth, and moved out of his house, all of which is to my great relief. The tragic thing about all this is that he's really a nice guy when sober, and he's leaving a beautiful wife and 2 wonderful kids behind so he can shoot up. Very, very sad. It's not as scary as many of the situations others have listed, but it's no day at the beach either.

 

[dcgrumpy]

Yeah, when I was in my teens I had a guy in his 30's follow me around for over a year. Everywhere I went he was there. Waiting for me outside of school, at the mall etc...I got an order of protection.

The police actually suspected him of more. There were a few times where they questioned me because they suspected him of murdering a couple of girls who resembled me.

He stopped bothering me once I got the protection order. When I was about 30 I moved to another town. About two years after moving in I was coming home from work and I saw a guy turning the corner that looked like him. I just about freaked out, I stayed in the house with the doors locked and blinds closed. I worked for Verizon, so the next day at work I looked him up. He lived 2 doors away from me I found out that he had lived there for a number of years, it had been his parents house. I saw him a number of times after that I'm not sure if he recognized me. I swear I'm the only idiot who would move on the same block as their stalker.

He has twins the same age as my son, and we're in the same school distict. I'm hoping they won't be in the same kindergarten class in the fall.

 

[Sylvester McBean]

I don't know if counts as a stalker, but in college I had a girlfriend break up with me. a couple of weeks later I was on a date with a new girl. my ex GF walked up to our table at the restaurant, picked up the vase and flower and smashed it onto the table. she screamed, 'so I guess you're (blanking) her now?' and walked off. that kind of killed it with the new girl.

 

[Nickimouse]

Yikes,so many stories! Scary!!!
I wonder if the common thread to most of these stories is being nice to these people. I look back at my stalkers and see that I didn't want to hurt their feelings so they got the wrong idea.

Both were in High School.
One was a boy who had an odd crush on me. We had Biology together and he would try to sit behind me,write me notes,copy love song lyrics. He told me he was going to stay with his aunt all summer and lose weight so I would go to prom with him the next year.

OK,so that wasn't so bad. But then the calls started,driving by or walking by my house. He would leave things on my porch,throw pebbles at my window to see if I was home. If I didn't look out he would call and say,I knew you were home I saw you walk through your room. Twice he called to tell me he saw me out with my boyfriend and comment on what I was wearing and the kind of car I was in etc.

I think he got some help and got his head straight because it stopped. Our Senior year he even apologized. He said, I'm sorry I was so weird,but I still can't get over your beautiful blue eyes. Yea,that made it all right.

The second was a boy who again would call and walk to my house and knock on the door. One day when I answered the door he asked me how much I weighed. He wanted to see if he could pick me up into his arms. I actually started hiding when the door bell rang. I found out he was doing this to 2 other girls. He asked another about her weight too. Interestingly enough these other girls were the nice girl type too. I felt bad because he just kept moving from one girl to the next. He was a little slow and we all thought he was harmless.I moved away right after school and learned not long after he was charged with some sort of sex based crime. So scary.

 

[mafibisha]

I haven't read this whole thread so I don't know if this was mentioned.

And while I'm really sorry to hear this is happening, I have to wonder if the internet isn't a HUGE part of this --

Sometimes I am amazed, shocked, astounded -- dumbfounded!! by the amount of information people put in their signatures, plus pictures! I just don't get it. Especially if you think someone is trying to stalk you!

This is a huge reason why I will never EVER put a picture on line (even if our children ARE the most beautiful in the whole wide world. Really, they are )

 

[nliedel]

I haven't read this whole thread so I don't know if this was mentioned.

And while I'm really sorry to hear this is happening, I have to wonder if the internet isn't a HUGE part of this --

Sometimes I am amazed, shocked, astounded -- dumbfounded!! by the amount of information people put in their signatures, plus pictures! I just don't get it. Especially if you think someone is trying to stalk you!

This is a huge reason why I will never EVER put a picture on line (even if our children ARE the most beautiful in the whole wide world. Really, they are )

I think about this a lot. I really do. I put my information out there but it's not. I think in some ways the internet makes it easier on some people to stalk but they are just stalking further out, not that there are more. A person who stalks in their home town may go further afield but I don't think the internet will make someone become a stalker. I also don't think a photo makes a difference. Since I am more open I get fewer "freaky" e-mails and I am very open. I blog about my family for crying out loud.

Someone who is determined to stalk you could live down the street. If you read the thread most of the stalked people are not internet stalked. I think the internet makes us all more aware. Again, I can be a real Pollyanna and maybe I am just playing "the glad game" but you don't have to get on the internet to find a freak, trust me they are in every town.

 

[mariolatry]

I don't know if this counts or not but here's my story:

When I was in high school, I had an after-school job shelving books at the public library. This particular library was housed in an old, converted lumber baron's house so the books were housed in a series of long rooms separated by walls. A lot of "disenfranchised" people used to come and sit all day in the library, warming up, using the bathroom, sleeping, etc. so I was used to people spending long periods of time in the stacks for no reason. One day I noticed a man who would always move to wherever I was shelving books and stare at me. I wasn't sure if I was imagining things are not until one day he approached me and said "Hi, my name is ______but you can call me Puddin'".

Now at the time, I was fifteen and not nearly assertive enough so I just kind of nodded and kept working around him. He came to the library everyday and sat and watched me. It really creeped me out, especially late on Fridays and Saturdays when I was one of the few people left in the building. I commented in an off-hand way to my boss that he made me nervous. I was told that it was a public library, he was a patron, etc.

One Saturday, about fifteen minutes before we were due to close, I was one of only 3 staff members there and he was one of only two patrons. Of course, he and I were both back in the stacks while everyone else was up at the desk. As I came around the corner, I realized he was MASTURBATING!! He was looking right at me with this creepy smile on, too. I was so shocked that I just walked straight up to the desk and told my boss that he was "bothering me". I couldn't even think of the word "masturbating", I was so shocked. She started to give me the standard lecture until I managed to eek out ".....with his pants down." All she said was "I'll take care of it."

He continued to come in at least twice a week for 2 months with no apparent change. It didn't occur to me to make a fuss. I just assumed that her "plan" hadn't taken effect yet. Like I said, I was fifteen and too well-behaved to be assertive with an elder.

You know when it got taken care of? When he exposed himself to and attempted to fondle the twelve-year-old daughter of a city councilman. I never saw him again after that day.

When I look back now, I think "We could've sued the hell out of the city for failure to protect me, an underage employee". Even though I was too timid, I should've been more thorough in explaining the situation to my mom so that she would've made a fuss. I should've called the police myself. I could've saved that other girl the trouble.

Ah, 20/20 hindsight.

 

[Stacerita]

Some years back I worked at a trauma center that saw a number of strange patients (also had a psych unit). When we answered the phone we always had to give our name and the dept the call was coming into. I just happened to be "lucky" one day and get this real creepy guy. I couldn't get him off the phone for nothing. He then would continue to call and ask for me all the time. Mind you, he had no business in my dept anymore. Then he would show up in the dept to get clarification on something he was told. He would continue to do this over and over. He would show up in the cafeteria, the parking lot, all over the lobby areas. It was wierd. Security had to ask him to leave on quite a few occasions. But he would still call me all the time and find reasons to come by the dept. I finally stopped taking any calls that came in since it was too hard to screen them all and sat in the back corner to not be seen. He never did anything that would lead me to think I was in danger. But he was always around or calling. Security finally told him one day that if he showed back up or called me one more time that I was going to go to the police and it would be trouble for him. That was the last time he ever stepped onto the property or called that we know of. I think he may have been more lonely than anything else. I have a great phone personalitly so when people called into the dept they were made to feel like they were friends and that I cared. He must have just gotten the wrong idea or something. Never had any more problems though.

 

[Ladyhawke10]

I totally agree with you, DisneyPhD. The sad part of the whole thing was no one in our family really knew that he was stalking her or harrassing her after the break up. Only after she died did her friends open up as to what was going on and how bad it really was. In the midst of it, neither she nor her friends thought it was serious. They were both getting married a few months after my DH and I were. At the wedding we were so happy for both of them and thought they were a great couple. She broke it off with him shortly after our wedding b/c he was "too possessive" of her. I guess looking back we can all see little signs of it, but not to the extent that we thought he would harm her. That saying 'hindsight is 20/20' is so true. He was a New York City cop and he confronted her at work at work one day. I guess he scared her enough that she took off and tried to get somewhere safe. She fled to a police station for safety, but he ended up killing her in front of the station as she was trying to run in. He then turned the gun on himself. It was in all of the local papers and on the news. They even profiled her story in an article about stalkers in a national magazine.

To all of you who have been stalked, I'm sorry to hear about your stories and glad to hear that the outcomes have been positive.

Oh my gosh, your story is so awful! Makes me even more scared about what happened to me now. My first boyfriend was abusive, too, BTW(a different person than the stalker, who was never my boyfriend and happened a few years later), --but it was totally different--I finally realized he was someone who lied constantly and seemed normal while doing it, and started hitting me once when we got in a fight when he was drunk. I was in undergrad--nice initiation to the world of dating

I think in some ways men think it's appropriate to pursue a women strongly because it's expected of them...I just saw "the notebook" which was a wonderful movie, but the boy pursues a quite disinterested girl until he finally persuades her to go out with him...then (of course, in true Hollywood fashion) she falls in love with him madly during their first actual date. I loved the movie, don't get me wrong, but there are plenty movies out there that kind of make it seem acceptable to seriously pursue someone who seems unhappy about it. I don't know, there are different debates on whether or not movies/ music/ books influence people, and I doubt they can if the person isn't already dispositioned...but I wish it were more acceptable for women to pursue, or even strongly pursue (wouldn't it be fun to send flowers to a crush rather than wait by the phone ) and then guys could learn to ease up a little--after all, if the girl was pursuing them, they'd already know how to proceed!

 

[delilah]

When I was in graduate school, the post doc in my lab stalked me. This was actually the reason why I left graduate school and decided to apply to medical school at the time I did. He was from Japan, and it started as soon as he joined the group. I tried to include him in activities, and I thought he just wasn't showing up, but later he told me that he would park his car outside our house, and not go up to the door. We walked to school at the time, and he would call and hang up nearly every day. The phone would be ringing when I got in, and then, nobody would be on the line. This was before caller ID. Later, he progressed to more aggressive behavior, like trying to physically restrain me from leaving the lab, and following me around the lab and yelling and hitting me. My preceptor was so passive about the whole thing--his solution was for me not to work in the lab the same time this guy was there, and he didn't realize how frightening his behavior would be. Actually, my preceptor had the audacity to ask me to leave the program, and he was going to keep the post doc. Then, I complained to the academic vice chairman of the department, and the post doc was gone within a month, but, I had already left the program.

Later on, when I was already in practice, there was this mentally disturbed female patient who would park her car in the hospital parking lot every day. She was there when I got there in the morning to do rounds, and she was still there when I left to drive to my office. I am not sure what business she had at the hospital, because she was just sitting in her car and (apparently) just reading her paper. I can't say that I was her target, or not, but, I was her doctor. Had she approached me or my car, or followed me to my office, I would probably have called the police, but, she didn't seem to be doing any harm, so, I ignored. Eventually, she quit doing it, after several months.