Have you ever ended a friendship? (very long)

[mtemm]

I have a friend from high school. we used to be very close, even when college and life separated us. But lately, and when I say lately its really been quite a while now, things just haven't been very good. Starting with my wedding almost 7 years ago, really.

When she got married in 1990 not only was I in it, travelling 3000 miles for it, spending a lot of money I didn't have as a new college grad, but I spent hours upon hours making her a very special gift (a cross stitch on 32 count irish linen). By the time I got married, she had moved halfway around the world, and unbeknownst to me at the time, was heading towards divorce. She couldn't be in my wedding, didn't even send a card until I mentioned the fact to a mutual friend that I was hurt. Since then things just haven't been the same. We still live far apart, although now she is in the same country at least. We have talked on the phone occasionally, mostly we communicate by e-mail. She's one of those people that are so frustrating...she ignores or just doesn't seem to care, then suddenly does something so sweet you feel bad even thinking bad thoughts about her. Then she goes back to ignoring or being thoughtless.

This is long enough without going into a lot of detail. What is setting me off is I heard on Oprah a week or 2 ago a quote, I believe from Maya Angelou, that has stuck with me. "When people show you who they are, believe them." or something to that effect. powerful.

So do I drop this friendship, or at this point in our lives sort-of friendship, of almost 23 years, or do I keep it status quo. Or do I do something totally out of my nature and pour my heart out to her? Tell her how I am feeling.

Has anybody been thru anything like this before? How did you handle it?

 

[binny]

I have a friend like that as well. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you... and for me as well. Just know you arent alone in this very hard decision.

 

[HollyJoy]

Friends are blessings in our lives, and losing a friend is a hard thing; especially if it's a long friendship. It's like losing a part of yourself. But sometimes certain friendships may not be "healthy" for you and you need to decide what is right for you. If you feel that this friendship is more of a burden then a positive thing, then I say you need to let it go. But before you do, you should talk to your friend and tell them how you are feeling. If they are a true friend, then they will listen to you and accept how you feel (whether they agree or not), and want to work through it. Just like romantic relationships, friendships need to be two sided to work.

Hang in there and I hope it all works out for the best.

 

[Disney Doll]

Friendships are like any other relationships...sometimes they run their course. It sounds as if that is what has happened here.

I read a good thng once about friends for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. A reason was a commonality...you're in the same high school, your kids go to school together, so you have something in common, but when that common thread disappears, so does the friendship. A season is a period of time, usually longer than a "reason" period of time. A lifetime is obviously...a lifetime.

I have had a friend since age 10. Throughout the course of our years together, we have been very close, and we have been not so close. It kind of ebbs and flows, waxes and wanes. Right now, we are in a not-so-close period. She has had a tough couple of years which unfortunately she chose to disinclude me from, so I was not able to be a friend to her, consequently there was a fracture in the friendhip that has been hard to heal. It is somewhat like a death, and you have to take the time to mourn what was in the past, and determine what, if anything, you want there to be in the future. In my case, my friend was going through a very painful divorce, and determined that she is gay. Unfortunately, I, who she had always called her "best friend" was left out of this whole thing until I accidentally found out about it.

Actions speak louder than words generally. If you don't want to end the friendship, then mourn the loss of what it was and sort of bring yourself around to the fact that this friend is probably more of an acquaintance.

 

[Pop Daddy]

very long post

 

[goin2disneyagain]

I have ended a friendship before because I did not feel it was "healthy" for me. She told me a lot of lies and I got tired of it and when she would call me I just stopped returning her calls, she got the message apparently because she finally stopped calling. It is a hard decision to make but you have to do what you feel is right for you.

 

[mrsv98]

Boy, you could have written my story! My best friend since I was four is like this. When she got married, I was really "there" for her (MOH), tried to make it a perfect day, even tho she turned into Bridezilla. I spent her wedding day apologizing to people for her witchy-ness and helping her walk because she got so drunk.

Fast forward to my wedding. She was my MOH and that was a big mistake. She showed up over an hour late to help me dress, so I had to get ready on my own. Then, she lost my throw away flowers and left the reception after an hour.

After that, we really drifted. I found out that she was moving in a round about way and then didn't hear from her for 18 months. I tried to re-establish some semblance of a friendship a couple pf times, but she never really responded. I finally decided to let it go. It was very hard and I think mourning is the right term. We were friends from the time we were 4yo, more like sisters than anything else. Sometimes you just have to make peace with the past and move on.

 

[thelittlemermaid]

Something simaler like that happened to me, but not with a friend but with my cousin.

Alot of things have happened, we lost our grandmother, lost our grandfather, and then I lost my mom. When my cousins wedding came around I keep waiting for a call asking to be in it. It never came. I was good enough to invite to the shower and was suppose to bring a gift and then to the wedding and another gift.

Needless to say I was hurt and didn't go. After she had her wedding pic in the paper and telling who was in it, it was 99% his family. Only her brother and SIL was the only family in her wedding.

Since then I have not talked to anyone from that side of my family. It might sound petty, but if you knew how snotty and look down on people they are {my aunt and cousin} you would understand.

 

[browneyes]

Pour your heart out to her. Talking to her would be better for both of you. If you both decide to end the friendship, atleast you won't wonder "what if" as much. Chances are, she's afraid of failure and that's why she gives so much, then backs off so quickly.

Good luck.

 

[Dan Murphy]

Originally posted by Disney Doll
.....Actions speak louder than words generally. If you don't want to end the friendship, then mourn the loss of what it was and sort of bring yourself around to the fact that this friend is probably more of an acquaintance.

Well said words, DD. My best wishes for you, mtemm.

 

[minniecarousel]

I have a friend from HS who I have tried to contact for several years. (I lived in the same house for 13 years - I wasn't hard to find.) I sent a card this past Christmas to her last known address. When it didn't come back to me, I'm assuming that she got it and the ball is now in her court. I won't try to contact her again, but if she gets a hold of me, I'll be happy to resume our friendship.

Another friend who I had lost touch with is a now a realtor in a town about 70 miles south of me - I found her & we've Emailed a few times, and I plan on going down to see her.

DH & I went to a resort town on the Coast a few years ago and checked into a lovely motel. The other guy in the office finally re-introduced himself once he heard our name. He & his wife were very good friends when we were all newlyweds. We had lost touch with them becasuse they moved around a lot and he has a very common name. We make a point of letting them know when we'll be in their area and have had an occasional meal with them.

So I guess my point is: at some point, you have to stop trying so hard. I believe that after you've made a few attempts, back off. Life is too short to waste on people who don't care.

 

[liznboys]

I have ended a friendship, and although it was hard, it was the best thing for me to do. It had become an emotional burden, and I just needed to let it go, it wasn't at all healthy for me. I felt bad for a bit, but after I got over not having that person in my life, I felt SO GOOD!! It was like a weight had been lifted and I was free.

IMO, life is way too short to waste it on people who are no good for you. I like to surround myself with people are true friends!!

 

[SC Minnie]

I read in Ann Landers' column once- If someone takes advantage of you once shame on them, if they do it twice shame on you.

I have a friend that I have known since we were 5 and have been friends since about 7th grade. We don't talk much now because we live in different parts of the state and we both have families that keep is busy. But we both know that if either one needs anything the other is there without question.

It sounds like you have a onesided long distance friendship. Sit back let her make the moves and follow her lead. Let her know that you will always treasure her friendship but you can't sit and worry about why she isn't calling or writing. Some people don't want or have time for the talk to you all the time friendships but as long as she knows you are there if she ever needs you should be enough. Then get on with your life.

 

[MAC3]

Unfortunately, some friendships do have to end..... Most have warning signs. I just wish I had noticed them LONG ago. I was young & dumb but I could have saved myself (and some others) pain & suffering.

Cut your losses, everything happens for a reason. If she's a true friend she will call you on it, and do anything to want to make it right!

Best wishes, it's painful at first but time heals all wounds.

 

[tassie42]

I have 2 stories,I had one friend that I met when my oldest, my son was in preschool our sons were best friends and her son was a really sweet boy. She also had a son my dds age so we got together a lot.Then when my son was 6 we moved but only about 8 or so miles away. We still saw each other all the time and we even talked about how we each wanted another baby and the pros and cons etc. Well we both got pregnant around the same time and it turned out they were both little girls. It seemed like the perfect friendship with each having three kids the exact same age. However instead of getting together with our babies (the older kids were in school now) she would always make excuses when I'd invite her here and instead of inviting me to her house so our girls could play she would ask if I wanted to go to the mall or something. Also she hardly ever called me I always had to call her.

Each time when I was about to give up on our friendship she would always call and invite me to do something. (usually shopping) so we remained friends.

In 1 year I think we got together maybe 3 times.

I finally just stopped calling and she hasn't called problably in at least a year and half (she did start working 2 days a week but you could call once in a while to say hello.

The other story (sorry this is so long I 'll try to make this short)
I had a friend since we were 14 and we were really close even when I went away to college. But later when I moved back home we drifted apart. She would never return my calls so I just stopped calling. Well the reason was she was married with one baby going to school part time and working full time! that doesn't leave much free time.

Well, about 4 years ago she quit her job and was done with school and a stay at home mom. and now we are best of friends again and our kids play together.

So I'd just play it by ear and see how it goes, sorry if this wasn't helpful but I thought this would show it can go either way .

Good luck to you

 

[mep319]

I was in a very similar situation and this is what happened to me. AFter about 18 mos of not hearing from this person I got a Xmas card with a letter from her with a "what happened to us." letter. Why aren't we the way we use to be...yada...yada...yada. Well she hit me at the wrong or maybe the right moment depending on how you look at it. I wrote a very factual letter that described, while being as unemotional as possible, what happened. I was suppose to be in your wedding as you maid of honor, then get a invitation to your wedding, moved up months w/ no advance notice 3 wks before the wedding & I guess I'm not in it anymore! (was never "un-asked), you moved to Germany-I wrote, you wrote back once, twice....etc...etc. I was a new mom at the time, working full time, overwhelmed and basically told her that I rarely have time for my "real" friends and I don't waste my time over a farce of friendship. Well she wrote back...with a thousands excuses but never an apology which I thought I deserved...and I again wrote saying you know all I ever what was an apology and I still haven't gotten it. Was it the right thing to do? I don't know sometimes I feel bad, I would like to know how she is doing. Maybe I should have excepted the way she was and maybe worked on not letting it bother me so much. It really wasn't a "toxic" friendship...doesn't sound like yours is either. Maybe you should first try to not let it bother you & just except her for who she is. If you can't then maybe you will need to cut her off. But that would be a my last choice!

 

[mtblujeans]

I have a friend like that, too. She and I worked together when we were both single with kids. She moved away and I moved away. She sends me a home-made gift every Christmas and says she wants to keep in touch....but she does not. I write back or email her and hear nothing from her.....until the next Christmas. I don't write her off. She does not need me right now. Some day she might. She knows where I am. She knows she can approach me if she needs to. That is all it takes for me. She will always be my friend and I will be there for her when the time comes. I don't know how else to explain it. Once we were close and now we are not so close. That's OK with me. What do you need from your friend? Whatever it is, that is what you should let her know.

 

[HollyJoy]

You are getting a lot of good advice, and I know I responded already, but I've decided to respond again. I had a friendship that ended, but not by my hand. The circumstances don't really matter, for to tell you the truth, to this day I don't understand why this person didn't want to be friends anymore. Anyway, I was deeply hurt, and thinking about all that happened still hurts sometimes, but over the last year I've healed. I've also had time to reflect on what I thought was a friendship, only to realize that it never truly was a real friendship. I think she and I had completely different definitions of what is a friend. Someone mentioned different kinds of friendships, and I think this one fell under one of convienence. That being said, my life has changed a lot since this friendship ended, and while I wish things had turned out differently, I'm so glad that this person went a seperate way from mine. I am a much happier person w/out them in my life. The experience made me take a good look at other friendships in my life, and I treasure those that I have so much more. So I guess what I'm trying to say to you is that a friendship shouldn't make you feel icky, it should make you feel good. If it doesn't, get rid of it even if it hurts. It won't hurt forever.

 

[ballroombelle]

I have been through something similar...she was a former college roommate and dear friend. She married first. I was young at the time, back in grad school (read: broke), but part of her out-of-town wedding. By the time my own wedding rolled around, she was "unavailable". Our correspondence had been dwindling but I thought she was merely busy, as was I. It seemed her life was getting more and more difficult while mine -perhaps to an outsider- seemed to be flowing effortlessly.

I wrote to her from time-to-time, asked after her and her family, never overplaying our own blessings-I don't know-just hoping to recapture the closeness of our old friendship, but she stopped responding. Even when I asked her point blank if I had done something wrong and to please, please allow me to rectify it there was no response.

To this day I hope she will contact me one day but essentially have had to just let it go.

I have no answers, but just wanted to share.

 

[mtemm]

I want to thank you all for sharing your experiences with me and for all the good wishes. They have helped me reflect on my own situation. Still don't know the answers for me. The only thing I can say for a fact is its been 10 days now since I got an e-mail from her that set me off and I have yet to respond to it. don't know if I will.

Its so frustrating, because its true, I am trying to hold on to a best girlfriend who in all actuality is no longer one. Am I willing to accept a casual, inconsequential relationship with her? Not sure. I think that is what I need to do if I want to continue the friendship though.

Thank you all again.