Have you ever declined being in a wedding?

[bumbershoot]

I AM NOT going to back out! I want to make that perfectly clear! I didn't even hesitate when she asked me, but I didn't know about all of the other involved expenses, like the actual dress price, the fact that she wants us to get our hair and makeup done at her salon, etc...Also, I work weekends as a server, so not only do dh and I have a lot of expenses involved in the wedding (his tux, too), I am also missing out on working and making money. I just wondered if I had thought about it before, if I would have even said no. It just seems like one of those things that people might not want to do but rarely decline. I am glad to hear your experiences with actually saying no. I think I'll start hinting that I don't want to buy another bridesmaids dress anytime I am around a friend in a serious relationship!

Oh, I see...I read "declined" as being whenever, but you were meaning it only at the beginning.

FWIW, just b/c she wants you to do stuff at the salon doesn't mean you have to. I wanted to have my friends have at least makeup done at the salon, or just BE at the salon with me...only one stayed (and she got her hair AND makeup done, which was very fun and meant quite a bit to me) while the others went to the nearby mall to have their makeup done for free. It actually worked out perfectly (and their makeup lasted longer...MAC beats Aveda for wedding makeup!). If you don't have the money, you don't have the money.

DH and I had some problems while engaged; ended the engagement and later got re-engaged. When we got re-engaged, we *asked* our friends IF they wanted to stand up with us. We both take being an attendant very seriously, more seriously than most of our friends do actually, and we didn't feel that it was at all a "given" that they'd say yes again! They did, but we absolutely wouldn't have had a problem if they felt they couldn't stand up with us. And since I"ve been there done that with not having the money to be a b'maid (but did it anyway), I would have understood THAT, too! (for the record, the friends who went to the mall have lots more money than me, but one reason is b/c they were MUCH more frugal than I was, so hair+makeup was around $50 more than FREE was and FREE won!)

 

[Handbag Lady]

It is totally okay to decline when first asked. I think most brides appreciate the honesty.

Also, offer to be the guest book attendant if you are offered MOH or a maid position and you don't want that level of monetary and/or time requirement. The guest book attendant just wears a nice dress and doesn't have to match. Plus, they get invited along like the rest of the wedding party but you have more of a behind-the-scenes job like packing your purse with spare hose, bobby pins, clear nail polish, and spray deodorant and the like.

I couldn't have had a good wedding without my guest book attendant! (Considering I left the guest book at home and my gal ran to the Disneyland Hotel store and bought me a Pooh autograph book as the new guest book.)

 

[Luv2Scrap]

I had a close friend that was my MOH, so when she asked me, even though I really, really wanted to say no from the very beginning, I didn't feel I had that choice. I felt strongly that it would put a strain on our relationship, and I was right. We are not very close anymore at all. I tried very hard to be what she wanted me to be, but I just couldn't live up to her high expectations, and I got pretty tired of trying.

 

[Bren's Mom]

Yes, depending on the circumstances I might decline to be in someone's wedding.

I think it's an important lesson to learn (preferably early on) to always consider your budget and your time when people are asking you to do something. If someone asks you to be in a wedding, I think it's reasonable to say upfront that you're honored and flattered but...and then clarify the expectations. If money is at all a concern for you, state a $ amount upfront. Let the bride know you could only save about $x before their big day, if the required expenses will go over that then you're so sorry but you have to decline. Or if you've got a demanding job, or kids, or whatever...be sure to ask about the time commitment. Nothing worse than finding out there are 6 showers, a bachelorette party, jack and jill weekend, pre rehearsal rehearsal get together, rehearsal and dinner, all day wedding affair and a post wedding brunch! LOL

 

[belle&sebastiansmom]

My friend is getting married next June (her second marriage) and never even asked me to be in the wedding. She just assumed, started talking about what I'll wear, how much fun it will be, that I'm her maid of honor. Honestly, it took me by surprise. She doesn't have a lot of girlfriends, but I would have thought one of her sister in law's would be the maid of honor. Anyway, I'm a little perturbed that she's just assumed that I would be in her wedding. I agreed, but like the op, I really wasn't prepared for the cost involved. Let alone the maid of honor duties that other people keep telling me about.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I did decline once. DH's cousin was getting married (had chosen the day long in advance, DH was to be in the wedding, etc.) and a wonderful friend from college asked me to be in hers for the same day! (She lived in another state, so didn't know about the other wedding.) She completely understood that I couldn't back out of the one we were already attending, but to this day, I wish I could have been in hers too!

 

[wendy46001]

Yes, but I was getting close to 27dresses
After three weddings in six month, I owed it to my sanity (and DH’s) to decline
The bride totally understood

 

[C.Ann]

Yes.. The dress alone was $350 - then there was a big floppy hat that matched that had to be purchased to go along with it.. Then the matching shoes.. Then the purses.. And so on and so forth.. My late DH was battling cancer at the time and when all was said and done, being in this wedding would have cost me at least $1000 - if not more.. I just couldn't justify spending that kind of money at the time..

This was for my sister - her second marriage - and she understood completely.. We're still very close..

 

[emer95]

My husband and I both declined once. Years ago we were invited to dinner at a friend-of-a-friends' house. It was a large dinner party; probably 8 couples. We knew the couple hosting had recently gotten engaged. We didn't know them well at ALL but we had seen them from time to time through our friends.

All of the sudden, the guy stood up and said, "The reason we invited you all here tonight was to ask all of you to stand up as couples in our wedding." His announcement was met with a look of shock on everyone's faces and dead silence. The majority of the guests were casual friends. Only one couple was really close with them. Finally someone recovered and thanked him, and I kept whispering to my husband, "He didn't mean us, right? He can't possibly mean us!" We didn't even know their last names! I honestly would have been surprised to get an invitation to their wedding.

So obviously we said no, but thanks very much for asking. We don't talk to them any more. They were kind of weird.

 

[samshane]

I did decline - a friend of mine asked me and I had just had a child. THe friendship wasn't effected, she understood.

There are a couple more I *wish* I had declined, but I went through with it...

 

[horseshowmom]

Back when I was in weddings, it wasn't the big deal it is now. Our dresses were made for us by someone, and they weren't expensive like they are now.

I did encourage my daughter to decline being a bridesmaid a couple of years ago. Everybody is entitled to their own choices, but I just couldn't see spending the amount of money that was going to be expected - dress, makeup/hair, travel, accomodations, bridal showers (the girl had more than 10 showers), girls night out, and everything else that went along with it. DD thought about it and agreed.

When she got married, we paid for everything for the bridesmaids. I know that it's customary for the bridesmaids to pay for all that stuff, but IMHO many of today's weddings are over the top, and I just think it's wrong to ask people to put that kind of money into somebody else's wedding. We wanted the bridesmaids to feel like honored guests not indentured servants.

 

[dakcp2001]

Yes, I declined a good friend, and we are still friends. I was sad about it, but me & DF had been asked to be in one of his friends weddings (both of us) a few months before my friends engagement and after more than 2K in ridiculous expenses(we all ordered the bridesmaid dresses & then she changed her colors and we had to rebuy, yeah thats right 2 ugly dresses) , and putting up with bridezilla her momzilla and her sisterzilla, I was broke. In hindsight, I should have said heck no to the friend of DF, i didnt even know them, but he did so I felt obligated.

I honestly will NEVER say yes to being in a wedding again, unless it is my best friend. I know it is an honor, but it feels like a punishment. I would much rather attend as a guest & enjoy the wedding.

 

[Andy B]

While I realise that this thread is mainly woman based I have been married and been a best man so I have a little experience. I have to say that I am surprised that the Bridesmaids have to pay for their own dresses, as far as I am aware that would be paid for by the bride/couple as a cost of the wedding in this country.

 

[RUDisney]

Many times -- until everyone stopped asking me and asked my sister instead! My sister LOVES that stuff, me, I'd rather stab my eyes out with a fork!

This is the way I feel about being in weddings. I tried to NOT be in my siblings' weddings, but I was guilted into it by my Mom. I told them I'd help pay for the shower, but I just wanted to buy my own dress and not be paraded around all day.

The wedding I got out of was my SIL's. I had agreed to be in it, but I backed out when I saw the prostitute's dress she chose. I came home crying from the dress shop. I wear more to bed than that dress covered. Plus it was skin tight and I don't have the body for skin tight. DH understood and when I told my SIL and MIL, my MIL told me that they had picked that dress because of me. They thought it would de-accentuate my breasts. I can't see how that would have happened since they would have been popping out.

That was when I didn't get along with my MIL and SIL. We get along fine now. I DID help pay for the shower and I chipped in with the BMs on her gift (all her china place settings). Because I knew that my name would be left off of the display card, I also bought her a gravy boat so no one could say that I was cheap. When we got to the shower, I was right. My name wasn't on the china and so I saved face by buying her the gravy boat. Isn't it fun to have to out-think ILs?

 

[SydSim]

I have been in several weddings and never said no, but the last one, I wish I did.

She was a very good friend of mine and I knew her through the entire relationship - and I didn't think that they really should get married. Nope, it wasn't my business, but as a friend, I cared about her well being. I never voiced my concerns to her, because I know how some people are (she may get mad at me for what I was saying) I didn't think that the marriage would last, and knew that she'd probably need me to be there to support her in the aftermath.

I went thru with being the bridesmaid (and the $1000 cost that came along with it), and was there for her when they separated a year later and got divorced.

She remarried last year and I was invited to the destination wedding, but had to turn it down because of the cost.

Oh, and I paid for my bridesmaids' gowns when I got married. Their only cost was their shoes.

 

[BCV513]

I declined once, more out of sheer frustration than anything. A college friend got married the summer between our sophomore and junior years. I was a bridesmaid. They broke up three months later. The summer after we graduated, she got married again to her ex's friend. I was a bridesmaid again. Different dress, another big wedding, another big shower, another big bachelorette party, etc. This marriage lasted twice as long: six months! Just a few months ago she called me. You guessed it: hubby #3 at the ripe old age of 25. New dress, new bridesmaid's dress. I politely declined.

 

[JessicaR]

I never have but my SIL backed out of our wedding party with little notice. Why? She found out she was pregnant. I was like umm OK and so what? She said I dont want to ruin your pictures? You kidding me? First of all she wasn't even showing and even if she was, so what? That prompted my husbands brother to decide he wasn't going to be in the wedding party either. Its one thing to decline its another to back out once you have said yes!