Have you ever declined being in a wedding?

[paintnolish]

In a few weeks, dh and I will both be in a friend's wedding- bridesmaid and usher. I am kind of wishing we had said no. The expenses are just piling up! Brides have a right to choose what they want, but it is getting to be too much for us. Then again, I almost feel like most people always say "yes" when asked to be in a wedding. They are a nice couple, but we aren't very close with them anymore. I was just wondering if anyone had ever said "no" and if the friendship continued.

 

[SaraJayne]

A few weeks before the wedding is not the time to pull out. Can you imagine the bind that would put the bride in?

You should have no said no from the very beginning.

 

[eliza61]

LOL. Yes, my cousin has been married 4 times. I was in each of her first 3 weddings but when she asked me the 4th time, I politely declined unless we were recycling one of the first 3 dresses.

 

[Breezy_Carol]

DD was asked to be in the wedding of her then boyfriend's sister. She declined because of the $$ and what if she and boyfriend broke up. She was involved though with going to pick the dress and other things like that. She no longer dates boyfriend but they are all still friendly.

 

[golfgal]

After our initial period of all of our friends getting married the few "stragglers" we made it known that we didn't want to be asked. It was conversations like, "I have so many bridesmaids dresses I really hope I don't get asked again" kind of things so before it became an issue we made it clear we weren't interested.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I was asked to be matron of honor for 2 of my bff's. The first one, I had just left my ex, and was a single mom of 2 babies living with my parents. My mom would have given me the money for the dress, but I just couldn't do that. My friend understood, and yes we are still friends and have been for 30 years!

My next friend asked and I was going to be until the price of the dress. I am pooh sized, and the dress would have cost me double of the original cost due to alterations. She totally understood. A year later she was my MOH (she was my only attendant and I told her to wear whatever dress she wanted to), and she is also g-d mother to our youngest DS.

So, yes, if you do it at the beginning, if they are true friends, the relationship will not change.

 

[mykidsand_i]

I have said no once before. Of course, a person needs to say no when they are first approached about it and not when plans have already been set...Which it doesn't sound like you're planning to ditch, just that you wish you would have said no.

One friend of mine got married and I was a bridesmaid and the dress was over $250...then, on top of it, she lived an airplane ride away- so add in hotels, rental car (we HAD to rent a car, we didn't have family or anything nearby), food for the weekend and she was a bridezilla, so she went as far as to telling us WHERE we were all staying, where we were all eating and what other things she expected us to spend money on. I was shocked with her being a bridezilla, but what ever.

Well, not being shocked about them getting divorced a year later because her husband was having an affair- she is getting re-married this October. HUGE wedding. HUGE. She asked me and both of my girls to be in it and I said no, immediately. I didn't need to spend another $2,000 on a weekend where no one got along with her and got yelled at by her and weren't respected.

If a person getting married expects large amounts of money to be spent by the wedding party, they should at least be respectful and polite about it...

her and I are still 'friends'. She's actually not that bad of a person other than going wedding crazy and getting 'wedding stupid'

 

[smb6]

I have declined. I said yes initially. But backed out within a few weeks (loooooong before the wedding, giving her ample notice). The demands were waaay too much. I still threw her a very nice bridal shower. (she was my sister; I still love her and were still BFF's, but she was a demanding bride)

 

[MarilIncredible]

I declined a chance to be in a friend's wedding. We'd drifted apart after college, but I'd invited her to my wedding and we sort of kept in touch after that.
When she first asked me, I was unemployed and couldn't afford the dress or the trip and I hinted and beat around the bush with her that it would be too pricey for me at that time. I guess I was too subtle and she didn't get my hints and thought I had accepted. It was awkward "backing out" after she thought I had agreed. She didn't even invite me to the wedding as a guest after that. Haven't heard from her since.

I was young and stupid and too timid back then. I regret not being more direct about not being able to afford it and therefore having to sadly decline.

 

[Nik's Mom]

I have a cousin who is like a sister to me. She got married when we were 19. She had 2 friends and a future sister in law in her bridal party, but did not ask me. I really didn't think anything of it. But then a couple of months before the wedding, she asked me to be in it. I told her no. I just knew it would be expensive. I was only 19 and a poor college student.

But, if you have already said yes, then I think it's best to just go through with it.

 

[X and G's mom]

Yes, I did and yes we are still friends!
I told her initially I would be in the wedding, then she called me with the figures for the dress I had been in 2 other friends weddings and this dress was 3 times the cost of the other dresses. I was a poor, broke college student working my way through to pay for college, so a VERY expensive dress was WAY out of my budget. So, I called and let her know WAY in advance.
We are planning on getting together in 2 weeks the night before our 20th class reunion.

 

[castleview]

DD was asked to be in the wedding of her then boyfriend's sister. She declined because of the $$ and what if she and boyfriend broke up. She was involved though with going to pick the dress and other things like that. She no longer dates boyfriend but they are all still friendly.

What a great insightful kid!

 

[Robinrs]

Many times -- until everyone stopped asking me and asked my sister instead! My sister LOVES that stuff, me, I'd rather stab my eyes out with a fork!

 

[bumbershoot]

In a few weeks, dh and I will both be in a friend's wedding...

The expenses are just piling up!...

They are a nice couple, but we aren't very close with them anymore. I was just wondering if anyone had ever said "no" and if the friendship continued.

What are the expenses? Will you save that money if you back out? Or is it mainly dress and tux and things already spent?

If you aren't close with them, does it matter if the friendship continues?

If you back out, will it negatively impact them? One of my b'maids couldn't stand up with me, and it didn't cause me problems. I mean, the reason for it was that she had major abdominal surgery after going septic, and I spent weeks with her in the hospital and couldn't do a seating chart etc etc etc...that was horrible. And I was sad that she wasn't standing with me (she chose to come to the wedding, which was valiant and heroic and painful for her and she barely remembers it so I wish for her sake she hadn't come), but it didn't cause a *problem* with the wedding.

Of course, if the bride has already told the caterers about your meals, and if you end up being uninvited, then it causes a financial weirdness (doesn't cost them anymore, but the value of the total cost goes down)...but she's going to get no-shows anyway.

Can you call to talk to her? Explain the exact financial problems, and find a way to resolve them?

 

[paintnolish]

I AM NOT going to back out! I want to make that perfectly clear! I didn't even hesitate when she asked me, but I didn't know about all of the other involved expenses, like the actual dress price, the fact that she wants us to get our hair and makeup done at her salon, etc...Also, I work weekends as a server, so not only do dh and I have a lot of expenses involved in the wedding (his tux, too), I am also missing out on working and making money. I just wondered if I had thought about it before, if I would have even said no. It just seems like one of those things that people might not want to do but rarely decline. I am glad to hear your experiences with actually saying no. I think I'll start hinting that I don't want to buy another bridesmaids dress anytime I am around a friend in a serious relationship!

 

[anniemae]

I did once. I was contemplating moving to CA at the time and I told my friend that I simply cannot commit to a wedding that is a year away since I don't know where I will be living and if I woud be able to fly home to attend her wedding let alone be a part of it, if I found a job and the move went through.

 

[MIGrandma]

No, I have never declined to be in someone's wedding.

But I did have someone, my best friend at the time, decline to be my maid of honor at my wedding. It wouldn't have bothered me so much, her declining, if she would have given me her reasons but she refused to so it created quite a rift and within a few months the friendship ended.

 

[erincon23]

I lived in D.C. for about a year and a half, and got very close to a friend out there. I moved back home, and we continued the friendship -- called just about every day, I went back to visit. When I was getting married, I asked her to be my MOH -- she said yes, I was happy. I was NOT a bridezilla -- I was very concerned about the costs for my bridesmaids (and for myself!), but halfway through the planning -- got engaged in March and married in Nov, so not a huge amount of time -- she backed out. Said she couldn't afford the trip -- I offered to buy her airline ticket and have her stay at my parent's house. No, still too much. Well, what can you do, she had just bought a condo, etc. I still don't know what happened -- I never heard from her again, she never answered my phone calls or letters, and she never sent even a card for our wedding. I certainly wouldn't have ended the friendship over this, but apparently she wasn't interested. That hurt more than her backing out.

 

[indimom]

I guess in a roundabout way I just did.
My sister got remarried a week ago. About one month before the wedding, we found out that her MOH (who is a friend of our family and we all know well) just discovered that her brother had a very serious stage 4 cancer. She became concerned that being in the wedding would become an issue if her brother did not respond well to treatment and she might need to be with him.
She expressed her concerns to my sister.
My sister then came to me with a request that I "fill in" for her MOH if the worst should happen. As much as I would have loved to help, she expected me to be able to wear the MOH's dress which had already been purchased. There was NO WAY it was going to work, I probably have 35 pounds on her!! So, I told her up front, that it just wouldn't work that way. I would have gladly signed the legal documents for her, and done all the other duties of a MOH, but standing in front of a church in a dress that was not going to fit. Nope.
I convinced her that since her wedding party was not "even" guys to girls, it really wasn't going to be a big deal. As it happens, the MOH's brother is responding very well to chemo and surgery. Her family was able to make it to the wedding, and they have high hopes that her brother will be a success story soon.

 

[Pig Pen]

I declined to be a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding. I was 15 years older than everyone else in the wedding party and the dresses were horrendous. Instead I was offered the opportunity to do a "reading" which I was happy to do.