Has anyone gone through this? Rather long sorry

[Brumeiser]

I know my youngest son in two years can change is mind many times but this time I think he is serious. He has lived his life living with my ex-wife and I can tell he is very miserable. She is so disorganized that he hardly sees his mom. He cooks and clean and has to fend for himself. With that in mind he has seen no discipline or lives by any type of house rules. He is saying now he is fed up and in 2009 when he graduates he want to move from Texas where he is now to up here in Ohio with my new family. He is very jealous of the time I spend with his half brother and I know he yearns for love and attention. The question I have has anybody gone through this situation and how bad will it be? My current wife has no problems with it and she suggested we come up with house rules and give them to him before he makes the move up here. We know we will have to get him a vehicle pay for the insurance and other expenses to live up here but he is willing to go to school and get a job. What is also bringing this on his his oldest brother never went to college, still lives at home, and whatever money he does bring home his mom sponges up all of the money for herself. He reliazes to get out on his own he needs a college education to get a half way decent job to make it out on his own. Any feedback will be appreicative.

 

[golfgal]

Why not bring him there now if he is so miserable? That would give him 2 years to adjust to the stability of a good home life, have a couple years with a good role-model before he heads out on his own.

 

[Brumeiser]

But he is a sophmore in High School and I don't want to have him to adjust to a new school for just 2 years. We have talked about but we also know of the long battle in court for this. My wife will not give up any of the kids because of the worth they are for child support. It will be a long hard fought battle and we don't want to make the courts and lawyers richer. Plus the other problem is the ex-wife is in contempt of court for the visitation schedule. To keep this long story short I agreed fine move the boys to Texas but she is to get them up here twice a year well in 3 years we have seen them twice. I spend the 700 dollars to go to court she boo hoos in court and the court gives her one more chance to do and she does do it once after the court and then I don't see them again. That is why last Father day my wife paid to have the boys to come to Disney to be with me for father day. That trip was over 3000 grand but it was worth every penny. So we talk every weekend on the phone but it is not the same.

 

[SetzKitten]

Why not bring him there now if he is so miserable?

From my own experience, I can say it's because mom doesn't want to give up child support to make a good decision for her son. OP, is it the same in your case? We are going through a similar situation. DH's son turned 18 today (coincidence, huh?). He dropped out of high school last year, lives with his mother, sister (also turned 18 today), and sister's new baby in a house that has no rules, no order, no anything, never has. He wants out but guilt keeps him there. I think he really believes it's his job to support her sorry butt for the rest of his life. (She's frantically trying to enroll him in any college she can get him into so "her" support doesn't end. ) He's so miserable. He is jealous of DH's great relationship with his other son (different mother). DH has talked about bringing him to live with us. We currently have no children at home. I have great concern about this. It sounds awful, but he's just not like us. We're quiet, hard working, disciplined and don't like the "drama" that he's a part of. He doesn't work, go to school, or anything. He lives in a very loud, dramatic environment, very vocal, with self-induced stress. I don't know if things would change if he were here or not. On the other hand, he's very sweet and thoughtful, never been in any real trouble, and I think he's just lost. I don't know what the answer is.

I can only commend your efforts because I know first hand that men and Family court DO NOT mix well. I hope it works out for the best for you and your son.

 

[SetzKitten]

Oops, you posted before I replied. Seems like we're on the same page, though.

 

[Brumeiser]

yes that is the same case as us where the mom does not want to give up the kid because of the money. That is also why she fights about the visitation to bring them up here because if we pay to get him up here her support will drop and she does not want that. Sort of same circumstance but my 16 year old wants a job but his mom does not want to help him out with transportation and to get him work it will be his responsibility and she won't let him get his license so how can he work? Yes we are quite people, have firm discipline and not sure how he would react to it. When we saw him at Disney last year it was not bad, we had our moments but the boys settled down when I said that is enough and they seemed to listen. But this was for a week only how would it be day by day? My support will end when he turns 19 period. That will happen even before he graduates high school. I feels that the monthly support that we will no longer pay in 2009 could help support him for awhile.

 

[golfgal]

Just let me make sure I am understanding this right, you don't want to take your son out of a bad situation to help him make a life for himself because you don't want to pay a lawyer? I know you don't really mean it that way but that is how it sounds. In my opinion I would do what it takes to get that boy out of that house and into someplace safe/supportive, etc. If it ends up in a court battle, then so be it. If push comes to shove, is the ex really going to fork over the money for a long court battle. Your son is 16, if he wants to move the courts will listen to his side of the story and that will be a big factor in their decision. In two years it may be too late for him to change his life around.

 

[agnes!]

Can't he get the courts to declare him to be an emancipated minor? I mean, he's 16...couldn't he go to Family Court?

There has GOT to be some way that you can pry him out of her clutches NOW. After all, SHE's the on who's in contempt of court, she's violating your divorce decree. I'm with the poster who said that your ex probably won't even pay for a lawyer(she's too cheapcheapcheap). I mean, you hardly see him now...can she actually make it worse?

It is easy for me to say, but if this were my child...I would scorch the Earth to get him back, to get him safe, to get him in college, to get him a job, to get him a driver's license, to heopfully turn his life around.

Good luck,
agnes!

 

[Disney Doll]

I do not know much about the legalities of all this, but it might behoove you to talk to an attorney who specializes in these family court type issues.

The environment he lives in now doesn't sound great, and while I understand your thought about not wanting to pull him out of HS at his midway point, maybe he would want to come live with you now, and since he is an older child, perhaps what he might have to say in court might hold more "water"...especially given the fact that ex-W doesn't hold up her end of the bargain with regard to visitation and child support. You have a couple of extenuating circumstances here that may make a difference.

As far as what to do in a couple of years, if that's how this turns out...well, it sounds as if your DS is trying to figure out what the best thing is for him to do. That's hopeful that eh has a decent head on his shoulders, is looking at the mistakes of others living in his home right now and is trying to figure out a way not to repeat them. Sounds like you, with the more stable lifestyle etc., may be just the thing he needs.

You do sound concerned, but part of me reads your post as not wanting to upset the apple cart that is your life now, but I can't help thinking that as his Dad, leaving your child in a situation that you don't feel is really good for him just doesn't seem right.

 

[ilovejack02]

But he is a sophmore in High School and I don't want to have him to adjust to a new school for just 2 years. We have talked about but we also know of the long battle in court for this. My wife will not give up any of the kids because of the worth they are for child support. It will be a long hard fought battle and we don't want to make the courts and lawyers richer. Plus the other problem is the ex-wife is in contempt of court for the visitation schedule. To keep this long story short I agreed fine move the boys to Texas but she is to get them up here twice a year well in 3 years we have seen them twice. I spend the 700 dollars to go to court she boo hoos in court and the court gives her one more chance to do and she does do it once after the court and then I don't see them again. That is why last Father day my wife paid to have the boys to come to Disney to be with me for father day. That trip was over 3000 grand but it was worth every penny. So we talk every weekend on the phone but it is not the same.

Actually it prob wouldnt be that big of a court now that he is as old as he is, most courts take the world of the child on where they want to live at that age. We have been through it with our oldest.

 

[Brumeiser]

Sounds like I am getting flamed here but my son is not asking me to get him out now in fact it has been a motivator for him. He was average d student in middle school but with this motiviation of going to college and coming up here in 2 years he has buckled down on his studies. He called last week to say he got 5 B's and 3 A's on this last quarter which is great for him and I told him how proud I was of him and to keep it up. With grades like this he can go to any college he wants to. Yes his life is not great but he spending all of this free time with his studies and within the next year he is going to make EAgle Scout which I believe is a very good thing. My son knows I have fought in court many times and have not gotten anywhere. He knows the drain it puts on our finanaces and he is ok with that. He knows the courts favors the mom and yes as he says it sucks but that is how the court system is. He knows that it is not a good situation right now but in 2 years he knows he can come up here if he wants too. In fact he suggested my side of the family for his graduation gifts to set up a fund to get him moved up here so it won't put a drain on my finances. There he goes again thinking of others before himself. He has always been like that, he also knows the high school where he is going now is much better than the schools up here. I was just asking how this situation is coming into a different lifestyle, different rules, how a kid can handle all of these different changes and can they adapt.

 

[luvmyeor]

Have you asked your son if he would like to live with you now? I know it is hard to leave his friends at school but given the option he may think that being with you now would be better in the long run. He is old enough that the judge would have to listen to him. He can testify to how his life is at his mother's house. The record of all those missed visitations will also play a part in the judge's decision.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Fly him up for a visit, pronto. In fact do it frequently.

 

[agnes!]

I don't think you're getting flamed at all. The responses posted here seem to me to be fairly well-thought out opinions. We aren't in your shoes, we don't know exactly how many times you'd gone to court.
2009 just seems so far away. And you did say he was miserable. That's all.

Sometimes the older set of kids gets forgotten about by whichever parent isn't involved in their daily life. I've seen it happen, I am not saying that is what is happening with this son, but sometimes dad goes away and it's out of sight, out of mind for his first family.

And that's sad. It sounds like he's gone through some rough times. Probably the best thing is for you to make sure that he KNOWS that you think of him all the time, that you love him to bits and that he is NOT forgotten. Keep the lines of communication open, plan plan PLAN if he'll live with you when he moves, where he'll work, if he'll go to a community college, what your house rules will be, etc etc.

I am sorry your ex felt she had to move. That s*cks.

What kind of relationship do you have with your oldest son?

agnes!

 

[sugarpie]

You are his parent & he is your responsibility. If his living situation is bad you should have gone to court a long time ago and changed the custody arrangement. It sounds like you really don't want to put in the effort for your child to have a good life. That's not right.

I don't mean to sound mean, but I have a brother who is in a similar situation. If you're not willing to do something about this, then quit complaining about his mother, because you're no better than her.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You are his parent & he is your responsibility. If his living situation is bad you should have gone to court a long time ago and changed the custody arrangement. It sounds like you really don't want to put in the effort for your child to have a good life. That's not right.

I agree. It does sound like you do not want him there.

 

[Disney Doll]

As far as what to do when he arrives at your house 2 years form now...sit down with your current wife and make up some reasonable ground rules about what you two expect and then give them to him, get his input, see what he thinks. He will be coming to you as an almost 19 year old, if I understand your post correctly, so I don't hink you can treat him like a child...you & your wife have to be willing to work with him, be ready for some adjustment pains.

 

[sugarpie]

I'm rereading this thread, because I just can't get it off my mind. Your son sounds like he's crying out for you to do something to show him he's important & that you love him.

You say he understands that doing anything about this situation would drain your family financially, yet you can spend $3,000 for a vacation. Even though he was along for the vacation, this is definitely a mixed message. He is your family, too.

Can't you take your family to visit him? I think he feels abondoned by you. Seeing your son twice in 3 years is not enough.

 

[Disneydreaming6]

Brumeiser, As someone who spent 5 yrs trying to get a divorce, fighting tooth and nail for my children. I understand how the courts can be. Contempt of court doesn't really mean a whole heck of alot. Ask your son if he wants to come now. If he does, it shouldn't cost that much since all the judge has to hear is your son saying where he wants to live. Your ex-wife wouldnt have a say. When my dd turned 15, she decided she didn't want to see her father for a while. (he told her he never wanted to see her face again). When she would not go for visitation he took me to court. I waited many yrs to hear his att. say Peter, you need to stop, there is nothing you can do. It's your daughters decision. We never even made it in the court room. She goes to see her father now, but it took her a while.
Bringing a child into your home that has no rules to follow will be trying at times. You have to let him know what is expected of him up front. Let him know the rules and if he breaks them what will happen. And you have to stick to it. You can't say, well I wasn't there for x # of years and let it slide. It will cause a strain on your family. But one thing I would do now, bring him up for the summers or school vacation. If she is suppose to bring them for visitation, deduct the money it costs to bring the kids up from her child support. But I do think you need to get him envolved in the family asap. Good Luck.

 

[Brumeiser]

He does not want to move now he is fine where he is at. He has told his mom that he is moving out and 2 years and she is not happy with his decisioin. He wants to finish up his school and then move in 2 years. He said why spend the money again and get nowhere. He is also fed up with the courts. He just wants me to keep a eye out for a good air fare sale this summer and bring him up. I said that will be fine so I told him I am with many airline sites to get the sales. My current wife has been very supportive even with her stepsons mean to her when we first were married. But 2 of the 3 boys adore her now and considered her their mom. For the one person comment about spending 3000 dollars for the trip last year. This is the first time in my life I had my sons with me for fathers day. I have not seen them for 4 years. We cut back on going out, we scrapped, we saved to come up with this money. Someone asked how my relationship is with my 20 year old and it is good too. We talk at least twice a month and we are close. Middle son from this marriage we are not on speaking terms for the past seven years. Down below I talked about how bad the condition was and he blames me since his mom said I don't pay child support. I showed him my pay stubbs with the support taken out but that does not change things with him. I have been to court 7 times either fighting for visitiation, to see my boys etc and have gotten know where. The living condition 7 years ago was so bad my oldest son took pictures on how bad the living conditioins were and no custody was rewarded. The one judge even threw up when he saw how bad it was. They always give her 30 days to clean up the house and she does and the boys stay with her. Add up people 4900 dollars in court fees and did I go foward one step no. To some of the posters who answered my question on how it will be thank you. That is all I wanted to know was what to expect. My current wife has been through so much and I know there will be changes coming up but I want is best for my son and what is best for my family now.