Has a good friend ever dumped you?

[pnelson]

I have a girlfriend who has gone through a divorce and my husband and I made a point of standing by her. Our 10 year old sons are very close. She now appears for no reason to want to end the friendship as she said she was not in my league and I was never really her friend anyways. She was my friend, I'm just not her friend. I've always invited her over, had her and her children over for all the holidays, etc. We helped her move and helped her with her divorce. Now she really sounds like she wants nothing more to do with me. It's actually strange! I'm worried for our sons who are friends and who I would like to remain friends. Just wondering if anyone has ever had this experience. Can kids still be friends if their parents aren't?

 

[RUDisney]

A good friend of mine dumped us after we adopted our kids. I think it was because she didn't have any kids and they weren't sure when they'd be ready to start a family. Her DH and mine are still friends, but she has fallen from the face of the earth.

 

[holycow]

Have you tried talking to her about it? Has she come right out and said this......I know this sounds really bad....but maybe she has feelings for your DH...(jealousy..that you are married and secure and she isn't????)

Just trying to come up with ideas for you...

Take care

Lisa

 

[cgcw]

Well, we didn't have kids who were friends but I did have it happen to me. I suspect because she heard from another person that I was pregnant with my second child. From that point on, she wouldn't take or return my phone calls. I always sent a Christmas card (still do) and she never reciprocates. Short of my showing up at her house, I did all that I could try and keep the friendship going. In hind sight, I probably should have called her when I first was pregnant but I didn't think it was something to ruin a friendship over. Guess I was wrong -- I'm just not sure whether I was wrong to not have called or was wrong to consider it a friendship.

I know it hurts. I hope it works out for the kids.

 

[mrsv98]

I had a best friend from the time we were 4 and 5. Best friends all our lives, supported each other through the horrors of high school. She lived with me when she had a falling out with her mom. Basically we were sisters without the same blood. Fast forward to our late twenties. She gets engaged. I am her MOH, she becomes the Bridezilla of all Bridezillas, I run around behind her apologizing to people. OK, we can attribute this to nerves, etc. Once she settled down in married life, she began to drift away. I thought it was because I was going to college and she was in a different phase. In my early 30's I get engaged, asked her to be my MOH (mistake) she says yes, throws a nice shower but then, shows up over an hour late to help me get dressed on my wedding day, Looses my throw away bouquet, comes to the reception, ignores me and DH, eats a little and then leaves in an hour. After the wedding, we talk less and less. I find out way after the fact that she is moving over an hour away. Eventually, she just disappears. To this day, I don't understand how it all happened and if I could have stopped the bleeding, I would have. I think sometimes, people move to different phases in their lives and for whatever reasons, you become a reminder of that life. I am sorry this happened to you and your son, but I think at times, you just have to let them go.

 

[gshoemate]

Yep, been there done that. We were best friends and our Dh's were really good friends. Problem was my DH didn't like my friend. We were able to keep that seperate and DH could tolerate here when we had get togethers. Then a few weeks before we found out we were moving to Florida, we did a separate get together, I went over to her house with the kids and her DH came to my house to watch a movie. Well the first thing he said when he walked into my house was that he needed a divorce from his family. So the whole time he was at my house that was all he and my DH talked about was his marital problems. He even made the statement that he is only staying in it for the kids and as soon as they hit 18 he is getting a divorce. Of course my DH did not hide his feelings about his wife, he never has. So then the guy goes home and tells my friend everything, everything him and DH talked about and she got mad at me and I was with her. Her DH even made up stuff like I didn't want to do stuff with her and that I don't answer the phone when she calls. We got together 3 days before I moved and she just unloaded on me, she blamed my DH for all the talking that went on that night, said her DH didn't want to talk about it but my DH wouldn't let it go. But of course he never tried to stop the conversation and if it was that bad, he should of just got up and left. And if my DH had such a bad opionon of her that I share his opionon, she can't understand that I have my own mind and that she could be my friend without being his (it has been that way for years). So needless to say, that was the last time I talked to her, she hasn't tried to contact me at all and I am still baffeled by the whole thing, I mean I was at her house and had nothing to do with what happened that night. Our kids were close and liked to play together. My DD was 4 and her DS was 5. I don't know what she told her DS but luckily we moved and haven't had to tell out DD much. She still asks when they are going to come for a visit and we just keep saying I don't know.

 

[Gaspode]

Hiya,

Sadly yes, a couple of times.

The worst I was just reminded of this evening as it happens so when I read your post I really felt for you and decided to post to let you know you aren't the only one!

My best friend at High School (from ages 11 to 16) - we did *everything* together. She did different things than me at college (from 16 to 18) but we still kept in touch, really well for the first year and then, she got a new boyfriend and suddenly I was not seeing her... then we got talking again but I would meet her for lunch and half way through *he* would call and she would spend the rest of the time chatting to him on her mobile whilst I looked out the window.

Nevertheless, I still considered her my best friend. When I went to work for Disney she was so happy for me and promised to keep in touch, I even showed her how to use email so she could.

This did not happen... I basically never heard from her, even though I wrote plenty. A few months after I flew out there I called her to find out her results in our final exams. She wasn't in but her Mum told me my friend was actually coming to FL for a holiday with the bf. I got so excited, telling all my CM colleagues that my best friend was coming out to see me etc... well long story short she never got in touch or tried to find me the whole time she was there! (And it's not exactly hard considering she was staying at the hotel by International Gateway and I was working in the UK pavillion! I didn't know her bf's surname and she was with his family so I had no way of contacting them)

When I came back from FL six months later I was pretty mad but my family and DBF persuaded me to call her. She was really pleased I had and said we had to meet up and catch up and that she was going away that night for a few days for Easter but would call me on her return. That was 2 years ago now and I've never heard from her since.

The reason it came up tonight is that another *really* good friend of 15 years called and said she saw this girl the other night. She asked after me apparently so my friend told her I had moved in with DBF and was running my own business. Her response, 'Oh, thats nice' and that was that!

I really don't understand why I got pushed out. Her boyfriend (still the same one) is from a very rich family so I guess I just didn't 'fit' with the scene she is now in.

Sorry to vent, not trying to hijack your thread!
Hope your friend comes to her senses - or that at the very least your DS's can continue their friendship

Cya,
Gaspode

 

[Princess Michelle]

Yes I had an internet friend for about 2 1/2 years that I truly considered one of my best friends ever and when they ended our friendship I felt like someone ripped my heart out and threw in the trash. Time has healed me for the most part, I still think of them often and remember them daily in my prayers. I would love to just be able to talk to them again but I'm not sure we will ever understand each other.

 

[pnelson]

That's what I'm hoping for the most-that are sons can continue because it really seems like she is done, for whatever reason. But, our sons are only 10, and they can go a long time without even mentioning each other-Maybe that's how boys are? But when they are together, they have a lot of fun. I'm really hurt by this-it started when we were discussing our annual camping trip and she said we needed to have "rules" this year. I felt her expectations were a little off-She is a single mom and she wanted both families to have the same "rules" as far as eating, beach time, time out. She wanted to be able to put my son in time outs if she thought he needed it-even if I didn't. I disagreed with her. It then grew from there-She said I have never been a friend, that I look down on her, that she is not in my league and I always make it clear that I am better than her, etc. I tried to talk about working things out, compromise, etc. But she said just based on the fact that I didn't agree with any of her "rules" so far, I was completely unreasonable and that was it. She feels we are done! I don't get the "looking down" on her part. My husband and I are the only ones out of an entire group of friends who have stood by her side during this divorce, we have always had fun together (I thought), and since the divorce I have gone out of my way with invitations and always made sure she was included on things. I have even refused to go to a group function with our old friends because they excluded her! So, it started out with this camping trip but I think her issues are much deeper. She has had a lot of other conflict with other people, etc.

 

[Tinks]

Yes...I also had a friend (who was in my wedding, too!) who completely changed and stopped calling or keeping in touch. No idea what happened but I haven't spoken with her in years. Sometimes I have nightmares about that...still haven't gotten over it, I guess.

I do think you boys can still be buddies, though...unless she influences her son in a negative way. I hope it works out for them. As for you...don't fret over her. She must not have been the kind of friend you'd want if she'd lose touch like that and not care.

 

[Gette88]

Yes, I also had my best friend in my wedding and when DH and I got back from our honeymoon she cut me off cold. I found out months later that she thought my SIL's had a bachlorette party for me & that she wasn't invited. That wasn't the case but she preceded to tell me she was almost a no-show at my wedding but her parents made her come. Well, I guess after that the damage was done. We still talk but only about 2 or 3 times a year. We don't live to close to each other anymore. She didn't even invite me to her wedding. All over a misunderstanding - there was no bachlorette party.

 

[Planogirl]

Yes, it's happened to me a few times.

Once it was actually a couple. They are child-free by choice and suddenly, they wouldn't have anything to do with us when we had our son. I wasn't planning on bothering them with him, I never really had the chance to lol but I guess that they decided not to take a chance.

The other time was by someone who posts occasionally on these boards. Even though it was a cyber-friendship, I thought it was real but wow, was I ever wrong.

Hang in there, it hurts either way.

 

[disykat]

Yes, it was about 13 years ago now and it still bugs me sometimes. I never really understood what the initial rift was - she just stopped being friends - since we were roommates at the time it was very strange. We lived for a few months like this until she started dating (and eventially married) a guy had I dated very briefly (very briefly - no big relationship) years before. Had we still been strong friends we could have weathered that I'm sure. As it was, it was terribly akward sharing an apartment under those circumstances and it ended quite badly.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, that has happened to me too, and it does hurt!
And, yes, our kids were also involved...

This has happened with cyber-friends... we did see each other occasionally, had been friends thru a major time in our lives, even travelled and visited each others homes!!!! And this has also happened with close friends and family.

It just seemed that the friendship was not there, not 'natural' any more. In a couple cases the ex-friend would continue to make those little comments that are like verbal daggers... You know, so subtle that sombody else might not even notice right away... But, when it happens YOU know it!

For example, I am a SAHM while one , I 'friend' has a great job and brings in great money... Well, of course, I am a bit limited by finances. She would always talk only about things that require a lot of money... I would say, " You know, we could just never affford that." Or, "No, we never do that". Then, she would get all defensive and say "Well, I sacrifice a LOT to have what we have!!!" So, like me and my husband just do not 'sacrifice' enough, we are not 'hard working' enough, 'smart' enough? To, quote her, "make a bigger effort".... DH and I are both college educated, intelligent, hard working, etc... DH has a GREAT job. (which could pay more....) That he has advanced in for the last 15 years. We are not lazy trailer trash.
?????

I, l like you, really valued these friendships... in one case, lending money, keeping their kids several times while they were on a vacation, in the hospital, etc. All those things that a 'friend' does, never asking a whole lot in return.

I have to wonder, was the friendship ever REAL at all??? What could I have done differently? Was I just not good enough for them? Did they feel that they were not good enough for me???? Sometimes, there is only so much time and emotional energy to go around, and people can just move apart when their circumstances are so very different.

I suppose that sometimes it is just time to 'let go'.

Just know that this happens more than you would think... You are not alone!!!

cheers

 

[pajammatam]

I had a friend who had a daughter the same age as mine and our girls were "best friends" from the age of 3. Well now they are 12 and they havent really spoken in almost a year (and we live across the street). Well us Mom's have gotten close and now with **everyday life*** she is busy and I am busy and I honestly don't know what happened but obviously something did because she doesnt even remember birthdays anymore. So we dont "really" talk anymore either. Our husbands will have a beer together here and there but I am not sure what happened and where it happened.

They used invite our DD to the beach with them every year and last year they didn't.

Who knows? And you know what when you only live across the street how bad is that?

 

[minnie56]

I had a dear friend and our friendship was more than 20 years old.

I made a decision after it had been blatantly rubbed in my face numerous times..to tell her that her husband was having (multiple) an affair. I knew at the end of the day she could possibly stand by him and she did.

I miss her and our friendship and likely always will.Would I have done it differently...probably not.He was and is a slime.

 

[Lezah]

I think that everyone has had this happen at least once or twice. My MOH and I haven't spoken in 5 years and haven't corresponded in about 3. She lives on the west coast, but there is e-mail and letters etc. I would always mail her a Christmas card with a picture etc, and rarely would hear from her. The year my son turned 2, we did get a card that didn't even acknowledge him (his name was my maiden name and she knew that). I also had newer friends that we were extremely close to. Our son loved them and was the ring bearer in their wedding when he was only 3. We helped them move, got together almost every weekend, spent the night at each others houses all the time. Then she got pregnant and didn't travel well, which I completely understand, but didn't ever call either. I was forever calling her and never hearing from her. Then after the baby, they moved to a city about 5 hours away, promising that we would keep in touch. We got one letter and a Christmas card and 2 years ago after that card, we got a call wanting to stay at our place for 2 nights while they visited family, cause they felt more comfortable staying with us than them for the whole time. They left 2 days after Boxing Day and we never heard from them since, not even a Christmas card last year. I just got tired of a one sided friendship in both instances. I still have awesome friends whose friendship works both ways! Well, sorry to vent, but it does happen, more than we think. Hope it helps to hear some other stories. Good luck and Hugs!

 

[wdw4us]

when I was much younger. I wonder at times what could've been.

I miss that part of my life with my teenage friends. I was excluded from the group by the ringleader because some how she felt threatened by me. Why I don' know. I never tried to take over but I think her bf at the time must've said something about me that she didn't like - to the effect that I was cute etc. and that finished it. She wanted not only to be the leader but the prettiest. She didn't have to worry, she was much better looking than me.

I've seen her at different times and she'll at least say hi but that's it. One of her best buddies was at a class I was taking a few years ago. I went up to her and said "Hi", I thought we were over that teenage stage, boy was I wrong, she looked right through me as if I didn't exist. I was shocked. I turned on my heel and walked away. I didn't deserve that. But hey, they just never grew up and matured.

I have a lot of nice friends now, I don't need them but boy, I still wonder what the heck I ever did.????

denise

 

[Serena]

I guess my answer would have to be yes. I'm not sure that's a good word for it though.

I will have to give them the space they seem to need or think I need, whether I like it or not. It's not easy.

 

[browneyes]

Can kids still be friends if their parents aren't?

Yes, but it'll be very strained.