Guests paying to attend birthday party. Is this a growing trend?

[krcit]

My DD, then 9, went to a spend the night party once where the invitation asked that the guest bring $5 for snacks because they were going to the movies (drive in). Since it was a small amount and it was a spend the night sitution, I didn't mind it too much. However, any more than that will be coming out of the gift budget. I'm pretty much with the camp that if you can't afford to cover your guests cost for a party then you need to scale it down. Rather tacky otherwise.

OP, I would let my daughter go if she was willing to pay for it herself since she wants to go so badly but reiterate to her the reasons why you are not willing to do so. When the money comes out of her pocket maybe it will be a learning experience for her.

See now I think that is tacky. If they couldn't afford to buy snacks then I think they should've made popcorn and brought juice boxes or skip the movie. I'm just firmly in the camp of if I invite you then I pay and vice versa. I've never encountered an invite to a party liek that though, I would have probably just handed over the cash b/c I'd be in shock, lol.

 

[dislaney]

One of mine was once invited to a party where they wanted us to pay for admission somewhere instead of the gift. I didn't have a problem with that, but the other I'm not so sure about. Haven't seen it here yet.

 

[Tikitoi]

If you can't afford to give a party then the child should get none or resort to mom baking a cake and inviting a few friends over. Some people are using the recession as an excuse. Or just taking things too far.

At my daughters Halloween party we gave 2 gift cards for best costume. And at her birthday party we ordered and paid for the pizza as well as let the kids swim and play WII.

 

[froglady]

I agree that if a parent is the host, it's tacky. If the children are doing it themselves, as in, "Mom, we all want to go to the movies, etc to celebrate Mary's birthday, can I have some pocket money (or my allowance)"

But by MS my son would use his own birthday/Christmas/chores money to pay for it, so really would only need a ride.

 

[IDoDis]

OP here. I think what might be happening, is that the kids are planning their own parties vs parents planning them when they were younger. The invites have all been made on the computer with a full sheet of paper and the info printed in different fonts, or by using something like Microsoft Office.

They do ask for RSVP but usually via a text to the teenager. She has a large group of friends in high school who all hang out together -- many of which came from her middle school last year. Maybe once one person did the "pay your own way" invite, the other kids are now following suit.

However, if my DD wanted to do this, I'd tell her no. I've told her it's tacky to expect guests to pay their own way to a birthday party. Even if the kids are doing the planning and inviting, the parents should be stepping in and telling their kids that this is not the way to throw a party.

I don't think it's a matter of money, either. One of the girls that did this lives in a very nice custom built home high up on a cliff with spectacular views of the city.

I hope this trend doesn't continue. Once one or two do this, the others will jump on the bandwagon and do the same thing.
I can understand the "Hey, lets all go to the movies or go to the amusement park for the day" kind of thing. This is different though.

 

[MarkBarbieri]

I've never heard of such a thing. If my kids received an invite like that, I would probably demur. The only exception would be if it came from a family that was either having financial difficulties or was just really poor.

 

[KellyWasHere]

Is the admission fee instead of a gift? I guess I don't see a difference between buying a gift during elementary school and paying towards admission in high school. BUT, I wouldn't do both. You get the same $10-$15 from me (us) either way, however you want that $15 is your choice. Now the parent who is asking for $20 either needs to scale down the party or contribute more.

I agree with this. As the kids in our extended family get older the parents are having a harder time telling us what they'd like for presents. So if the money is in lieu of presents, that'd be fine with me. But expecting both (or not clearly stating on the invite that it is a no gift party) is seriously tacky IMO. If you are throwing a party where gifts are expected, you need to foot the entire cost of the party.

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

I'm not sure if it's a growing trend but my DS15 has been invited to go to 2 different parties by the same family and asked to bring money to pay for his entrance fee. He really, really wanted to go so he used his allowance to pay the costs once and I paid for him to go to the 2nd one.

I figured that the family who invited him wanted to do something but couldn't afford it (especially now that the house has been foreclosed on and the family moved away from the area).
That doesn't seem to be the case with your situation though.

 

[Liberty Belle]

It's incredibly rude. I certainly would not attend a birthday party that I had to pay for, but I'd hate to keep my kids from a party. We seem to be in the minority, but I try to send me kids to every party they're invited to.

One time when my oldest son was young (about 8 years ago) he was invited to a birthday party at a local indoor sports park (batting cages, skating, etc) and when I called to RSVP the mom said, "He should only need to bring about 20 dollars for snacks and games."

 

[luvmy3]

I just did an informal get together for my ds's birthday. He invited a few friends, we went bowling and out for pizza. I paid, I would never expect a guest to pay for something I invited them to. I didn't send out invites, just a quick call to the parents to ask if their ds could come, I also made it clear that even though we were doing this for my ds's birthday, it wasn't a "party". I didn't want them to feel they needed to bring a gift.

OP, its a tough one, while its not something I would do myself, I wouldn't decline the invitation out of spite because I thought it was tacky. If my child really wanted to go and the amount being asked for was reasonable, I would let them.

 

[horseshowmom]

OP here. I think what might be happening, is that the kids are planning their own parties vs parents planning them when they were younger. The invites have all been made on the computer with a full sheet of paper and the info printed in different fonts, or by using something like Microsoft Office.

They do ask for RSVP but usually via a text to the teenager. She has a large group of friends in high school who all hang out together -- many of which came from her middle school last year. Maybe once one person did the "pay your own way" invite, the other kids are now following suit.

However, if my DD wanted to do this, I'd tell her no. I've told her it's tacky to expect guests to pay their own way to a birthday party. Even if the kids are doing the planning and inviting, the parents should be stepping in and telling their kids that this is not the way to throw a party.

I don't think it's a matter of money, either. One of the girls that did this lives in a very nice custom built home high up on a cliff with spectacular views of the city.

I hope this trend doesn't continue. Once one or two do this, the others will jump on the bandwagon and do the same thing.
I can understand the "Hey, lets all go to the movies or go to the amusement park for the day" kind of thing. This is different though.

OP, I do agree that it's in poor taste, but I haven't seen your response regarding a gift (maybe I overlooked it). If there's no gift involved, I might be more flexible in my position (only due to the fact that it's teenagers, and they seem to be making the arrangements themselves - no way would I consider this even remotely okay for a child's birthday because I'm quite sure a gift would also be expected).

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

Meh... it's how my group of friends does birthdays. Granted, we aren't children and we don't send out "invitations" per se, but I don't really think it's a huge deal.

And we always give each other gifts.

By the time I was that age, we weren't doing birthday parties any more. For a five-year-old, it would raise my eyebrow. For someone out of elementary school, not so much. Just sounds to me like a kid who wants to hang out with her friends for her birthday.

 

[DVCLiz]

I wouldn't think anything of it - this is just the way teens plan when they are too old to have a traditional Chuckie Cheese birthday party and too young to go to a club.

If I felt particularly nickel and dimed by my child I'd possibly make her use her allowance, but otherwise I'd hand her a twenty and tell her to have a good time.

Honestly, I'm all about supporting the social activities of young teens in safe and healthy ways. It wouldn't even cross my mind to say "No" and make it about my personal principles.

But that probably comes from having older children (my youngest is now 17) and knowing that this is how they transition their social lives from 100% parent-planned and sanctioned to planning on the fly. It's not a big deal to me.

Having said that, DD17 went to a birthday pizza lunch for some friends yesterday and the birthday girls picked up the tab for the whole group. That would certainly be the way I would do it for my own children.

 

[Scurvy]

Those parents aren't throwing a party for their child, regardless of what the invite says, that's not a party. It's beyond ridiculous and if my child ever got an "invite" like that they wouldn't be going and I'd let the parents know why if it came up. My boys are grown, but we always paid the entire way for kids. If they brought their own money and wanted something other than what was provided at the party, that was their decision, but otherwise we paid for everything.

BTW, I've heard of this for wedding showers and the weddings themselves. Some of this goes back to parents not being able to tell their child NO. As in no,we can't afford that, but we can afford this...

Exactly!

An invitation like that is so tacky. If you want to throw a party, then throw a party. If you can't - or don't want to - pay for whatever you're planning, then you need to either wait until you can afford it or plan something different that you can afford.

It's completely different if a group typically plans things together where they all pay their own way, and they all know everyone involved is onboard with that kind of thing. That's fine. But you don't plan something and act like you're hosting it and then invite other people to come and pay for themselves. That's just tacky.

 

[seashoreCM]

It does put guests on notice that they can't sneak in an extra sibling or friend. There was a whole long thread here on The DIS about that subject, I forget where it is now.

Disney hints: http://www.cockam.com/disney.htm

 

[trip]

Kind of like paying for your plate at a wedding reception.

 

[Planogirl]

If this involves teens and no gifts I see nothing wrong with it. In our area teens don't have parties but they might get together to do something like this. I wouldn't call it a party though but more of an informal get-together.

 

[gina2000]

I think many teens are planning their own parties and the parties are being held at relatively expensive venues. So instead of inviting one friend on the parents' dime, they extend a blanket invitation to anyone who might like to go and has the money to do so.

And I guess it's trickling down to the preteen/early teen crowd.

Kids want to go in a group to fun events and I guess they'd rather pay to play than not go at all.

 

[IDoDis]

OP, I do agree that it's in poor taste, but I haven't seen your response regarding a gift (maybe I overlooked it). If there's no gift involved, I might be more flexible in my position (only due to the fact that it's teenagers, and they seem to be making the arrangements themselves - no way would I consider this even remotely okay for a child's birthday because I'm quite sure a gift would also be expected).

There was no mention on any of the invites regarding a gift. I asked DD and she said we didn't need to bring a gift. When DD didn't get to go to the previous "pay your way" birthday party, she asked if I could buy her friend a gift and she'd give it to her at school. That girl was a closer friend, but the host of the current party is not as close of a friend. They've never done anything together outside of school besides going to the mall a couple of times with a group of friends.

 

[horseshowmom]

There was no mention on any of the invites regarding a gift. I asked DD and she said we didn't need to bring a gift. When DD didn't get to go to the previous "pay your way" birthday party, she asked if I could buy her friend a gift and she'd give it to her at school. That girl was a closer friend, but the host of the current party is not as close of a friend. They've never done anything together outside of school besides going to the mall a couple of times with a group of friends.

It sounds like these kids need their parents to explain the difference in a birthday party and a friendly get together. The invitation sounds more like a flyer! As long as they don't expect me to send a gift along with paying for my part of their "party", I'd let her go. You're still right though, it comes across as pretty tacky. Of course, the kids probably think we're completely out of it.