Grieving...

[Blondie]

At her wake, the deacon said something that really stuck with me. He said, "You may come across something that makes you think of her, but don't let it make you sad. It's just her way of letting you know she's still near and watching over you." While not letting it make you sad is easier said than done, this is a great perspective.

I agree.

My dad was a cigarette smoker for 60 years of his life. It attributed to his demise. Last week I kept smelling the left over scent of cigarettes. Nobody in this house smokes! I'd smell it everywhere, even in my car that nobody else had driven for at least a week. I told my brother I think it's Dad. He's here, keeping an eye over me. The scent will come and go, and nobody else smells it but me!

Yesterday was an especially hard day because it would've been his 76th birthday.

 

[luvwinnie]

I read a great book that said grieving is a lifelong process...and it's true, you don't stop missing that person. My mom passed July 2004 and that pain is still horrendous. You can't love someone that much and then expect that pain to just go away. Hugs to you.

 

[YetanotherMouseFan]

Nicely said, C. Ann! My parents died within a month of each other almost 10 years ago. At one time, I thought my heart would totally break in two. But I survived one day at a time. I still get those "gotcha" moments sometimes, and I still want to call my mom and tell her stuff, but nowhere near like before. Sometimes, though, it takes my breath away: like when my youngest brother does that funny thing with his eyes my dad used to do, or my daughter uses one of mom's funny sayings. I don't think it ever totally goes away, is what I'm trying to say. I still feel like an orphan!

 

[allie&mattsmom]

I still have moments where I absolutely break down about my Dad not being here anymore. It will be three years in January since his death. It was very sudden, not expected at all, so I find myself still saying "If only we would have gone over to their house the night before to visit". I usually talked to my Dad everyday on the phone but that night my mom answered b/c he was asleep in his chair. His sudden death did teach me not to take the people I love for granted. I call my mom every night before going to bed to tell her good night and that I love her. My mom, my brother, my sister...all of us are still grieving our loss. I don't think any of us will ever stop grieving. I think you learn to "deal" with your grief but it never goes away, at least this is my experience.

 

[punkin]

No one who has not been through it knows, but i never goes away. You just learn not to cry so much when the feelings hit, and they hit less often with time. My grandmother has been gone for 17 years and my mother for 7. I still hear them and feel them near me.

I am crying right now just reading this thread because the posts reflect exactly how I feel.

 

[C.Ann]

Nicely said, C. Ann! My parents died within a month of each other almost 10 years ago. At one time, I thought my heart would totally break in two. But I survived one day at a time. I still get those "gotcha" moments sometimes, and I still want to call my mom and tell her stuff, but nowhere near like before. Sometimes, though, it takes my breath away: like when my youngest brother does that funny thing with his eyes my dad used to do, or my daughter uses one of mom's funny sayings. I don't think it ever totally goes away, is what I'm trying to say. I still feel like an orphan!

-------------------------------

I hope no one will take offense to this statement that I'm about to make, but after losing my Dad and losing my DH, my thoughts on the grieving process are that it never gets "better" - it only gets "ordinary".. By "ordinary", I mean you become accustomed to it in that you expect those "sneak attacks", you expect the sudden bouts of crying, you expect the smiles that cross your face when you remember something fondly.. It becomes a routine part of your daily living for the rest of your life, but fortunately it's not "all" bad.. We have the capacity to work our way through the rough spots and at the same time we also have the capacity to remember those we've lost in the best light possible..

 

[suzannen]

I can't believe I found this thread today. I have been so unbelievable sad all day. Tomorrow, my old boyfriend (turned very dear friend) would have turned 50. He was taken when he was 36 with a brain tumor. I can't believe it's been 14 years, and that it still hurts so much, like it was yesterday. I'm still in contact with his mother and I know she's never gotten over the loss. We try to comfort each other in knowing that as long as we and others close to him continue to feel his loss and the emptiness left, it's a reminder that he and his life mattered. In a strange way, grieving sort of validates their importance and impact on your life. (Does that make sense or am I rambling because this thread has also made me cry?)

 

[4cruisin]

I don't think you ever really stop grieving. You only stop when you can say that you wouldn't give the world for just one more minute with them, like you would have when they first died. I can say that I would give everything and more just to see my great grandma one more time. But I don't still cry at the mention of her name, or looking at a picture. I can laugh, thinking about something she said one time. We can talk about her, and I don't feel the need to go wash my face. But I'm still grieving. I still miss her.
So I don't think you can ever stop grieving. Sometimes death hits you too hard for it to pass quickly. Sometimes grieving isn't just 'cry today, cry less tomorrow, don't cry day after tomorrow'. sometimes its 'cry until you can't cry anymore, and then cry somemore".
for having to go through this.

Sparx, you are wise beyond your years. Very well said.

My mother passed away almost 5 years ago. I miss her terribly and think about her every day. She was a huge part of our lives. I know that I will always grieve her loss. My dad passed away 36 years ago and I was only 8. I miss him but know that my parents are finally together...they waited a long time to be together again.

I don't think there is any right or wrong way to grieve. As long as it does not become totally debilitating, you are fine. I can now look at family videos and laugh, not cry, when I see my mom. It took me over a year to even watch them.

 

[allie&mattsmom]

-------------------------------

I hope no one will take offense to this statement that I'm about to make, but after losing my Dad and losing my DH, my thoughts on the grieving process are that it never gets "better" - it only gets "ordinary".. By "ordinary", I mean you become accustomed to it in that you expect those "sneak attacks", you expect the sudden bouts of crying, you expect the smiles that cross your face when you remember something fondly.. It becomes a routine part of your daily living for the rest of your life, but fortunately it's not "all" bad.. We have the capacity to work our way through the rough spots and at the same time we also have the capacity to remember those we've lost in the best light possible..

I totally agree with you C.Ann. Very well said.

 

[Blondie]

I can now look at family videos and laugh, not cry, when I see my mom. It took me over a year to even watch them.

Ugh, I haven't even gotten out the videos yet. I can't. I can look a photos, but I can't handle the thought of hearing his voice in a video. Last video we took was at his 75th birthday dinner a year ago. Who knew that within one year he'd be gone.

 

[dmslush]

I don't think you ever really stop grieving. You only stop when you can say that you wouldn't give the world for just one more minute with them, like you would have when they first died. I can say that I would give everything and more just to see my great grandma one more time. But I don't still cry at the mention of her name, or looking at a picture. I can laugh, thinking about something she said one time. We can talk about her, and I don't feel the need to go wash my face. But I'm still grieving. I still miss her.
So I don't think you can ever stop grieving. Sometimes death hits you too hard for it to pass quickly. Sometimes grieving isn't just 'cry today, cry less tomorrow, don't cry day after tomorrow'. sometimes its 'cry until you can't cry anymore, and then cry somemore".
for having to go through this.

I miss Grandoll too

 

[Kitty 34]

I lost a girlfriend to cancer three years ago and I still get tears in my eyes when talking about her.

 

[Pin Wizard]

It depends who it is. I've lost a lot of family. At this point, not much phases me. I really wonder if I have a heart left.