Grandparents with issues...

[ladybird321]

My child is 18 and the grandparents have unhealthy emotional issues. There is a background here for instance everyday at dinner time even though they have been askd to call after 6:30 or 7:00 they call multiple times usually spaced about ten minutes apart until we answer. We do not answer our phone during dinner yet this is nightly annoyance. My child is gone for a month with a great opportunity. They call me almost daily to ask if I have heard from her and how she likes it and how she is doing. Whick is okay until I find out that they have spoke to her and continue to ask those same questions like they have never spoke with her. They never mentioned that she called them but yet they continue calling me like they never talked to her. What is the purpose? They are also obsessed with what I am having for dinner, if we are going out to eat? I find this odd especially with the fact that in the past and yes this was twenty some years ago I was not invited out with my family because my sisters boyfriend did not like kids. At the time I had one who was as good as gold. They go behind my back with my oldest one and have taught her to lie when the truth is simply the truth. I am going to tell them they have talked to her and not to call and ask me that anymore because I just do not see it.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Is this your family? I mean are the Grandparents your parents? What do you mean when you say they have taught your 18 year old to lie? Do they tell her to lie to you?

 

[ladybird321]

yes

 

[NHdisneylover]

It sounds like they may be very lonely. Perhaps you can help them find some social groups (bridge club, church group, whatever they are interested in) so they can get interaction from ways other than talking to you and your DD.

 

[ladybird321]

Yes on both accounts.

 

[ladybird321]

I will not excuse this as lonliness. Too much background. Because if they actually wanted to have a conversation they would have said that they talked with my child and then went on to say what she told them.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I will not excuse this as lonliness. Too much background. Because if they actually wanted to have a conversation they would have said that they talked with my child and then went on to say what she told them.

Well, obviously I really don't know them or you or the situation at all (for example, there must be some lingering resentment about the not asking you to dinner because you had a child thing 20 years ago since you bring that up as an example here), but it seems to me (based on you saying that next time you will tell them not to call and ask anymore) that perhaps they think you will not talk to them unless they are asking questions. Maybe they think that if you know they have already spoken to your DD that you will not want to simply have a conversation with them, so they are doing what they can to prolong the time Could be totally off base though.

Can you answer the PPs question about what you meant about them teaching your 18 year old to lie to you? That could go a long way toward helping the rest of us have more of an idea what might be going on to (hopefully) give you some good ideas and perspectives.

 

[LuvOrlando]

if I'm reading you right you have my sympathies. My mother was a great deal like this. She would switch between smothering like a stalker and cruel. The behavior is not about love, it's about control. Back when I still spoke to my mother I had to tun off the phone upstairs or she would call at all hours just to mess with me. I say turn your house phone off or, better yet, take it off the hook for the dinner hour then turn it back on afterward. So you're not out of contact with the world keep your cell around and tell your DD to text during that time frame. As for my kids, that was a mess too. She would feed them candy and cake to be 'the favorite' (her words) and undermine my parenting to drive a wedge between me & my kids. Manipulative mothers are the gift that keeps on giving , stay strong and know you're not the one with the problem.

 

[ladybird321]

For instance, my older daughter was a handful in high school. Right before college started we purchased a car and she was to help pay for it. She would run all around in it and then not get up for class , never really ended up helping pay for the car. She moved out when we would not allow her boyfriend to stay at our house until two or three in the morning. They helped her get a car. I asked her and them repeatedly if they cosigned and they said no. Well a bank statement of hers was laying out and their name was on the loan as a cosigner. When my oldest was in high school I got her a cell phone I did not even have one at the time. She ran up the bill in the hundreds and did want to pay for it. I took the phone away as I was not going to support this and when she told her grandparents they called and said I was being ridiculous and told her I was and that she needed it in case she broke down. I grew up without a cell phone and survived. I did not give her the phone back. I could go on and on and I will not be part of this with my youngest who is what this discussion is about.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Uh-oh, well it sound as if you are justifiably angry. However, at this point there is nothing you can do to stop their influence on your kids other than wash your hands of anything they taint. For example, if you Mom wants to say something about your DD's phone go to your Mom's house with the bill and ask her to put her name on the bill instead of yours. Any time your Mom steps in tell her "If you have an opinion then fine, here is the bill it's now your problem, I'll tell little ___ you want to be responsible for it now." Then I'd tell my DD the same thing and seriously wash my hands of whatever it is. Cut off the phone, drop the car insurance whatever it is I'd just delete it from my world and send my kid to her with the bills in her hands. It won't take long before your Mom gets tired of the situation when there is no fun in it for her any more. Make no mistake it is a great big game, your Mom and DD are tag teaming you. It's mean and it's messed up on both their parts for trying to manipulate you this way. Mom's like this are horrible. So hurtful.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Then it does indeed sound like your parents are rather controlling and into being the "good guys" while casting you in a bad light. Not fun at all.

On the other hand, if your youngest is already 18 it is kind of a moot point isn't it? All of your children are adults and free to make their own decisions about their relationships with their grandparents. Honestly, probably the best way to not alienate your children in this tug of war with your parents is to simply not engage in it. For example, if you adult DD (I assuming she was an adult being that you said it was after high school and that she had moved out), who is not even living with you (so that your house your rules does not apply) ends up with a car cosigned by them, why do you care? Why is it your business how she pays for the car (so long as she does not steal the money from you or something)? Just ignore that stuff all together and try not to get involved in it.

Or about the current phone calls: it is not your concern when your 18 year old calls her grandparents (unless you have to pay for the calls). Do not try to monitor it. If they call you to grill you about her just say "why don't you call her and ask her yourselves" and then change the topic. Don't engage in the power play and then there is no struggle.

 

[ladybird321]

I really do not care about the car except for the fact that they tried to tell her I would let her buy the car for two thousand less than was owned on it something they made up in their head to make me look bad. They cosigned for a different car and why did they lie about it when asked and now why do they call me daily to ask how my youngest one is when they have talked to her? This is crazy. I am paying for the calls and she is free to call them and speak minimally as where she is gone to is far. Why would they call me daily almost and act like they have not spoke to her though? For my oldest, I now and have for a while told them I will not discuss anything with them regardin her to protect her and us from this behavior. Sounds like I might need to do the same for my youngest.

 

[LuvOrlando]

It is absolutely crazy and I feel very badly you are being hurt like this. There is nothing you can do about your Mom but I would suggest you have a lunch with each of your daughters separately and explain to them what is going on and how hurtful it is to you. Of course, your girls are young and only going along with things because they see a way to get what they want. Your girls are simply being immature. But your mom, that's altogether different. She wants to make herself the center of attention in your relationship with your girls and she's doing it. Talk to your girls as people and see if you can't make them see how awful this situation is, make them YOUR allies if you can.

 

[usnuzuloose]

This is extremely unhealthy. Sometimes we just have to untie ourselves from the situations, I would let them know if you do not respect me or my home then do not call and play head games. Then if it continues I would change my number. You cant control what the grandparents tell your children, but dont react if they tell you something they heard from the grand parents. Your daughter needs to know you are not going to say or do anything that belittles them in return. Sooner or later your daughter will get fed up because you are not responding in return. They are all looking for a reaction from you. Just remember it is your choice to want to heal from all of this or you dont. I wish you well with all of this. Jo

 

[abdmom]

How old are your parents? Is it possible that you're seeing early signs of dementia?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Everything starts and ends with you. If you want changes, you have to make changes. Otherwise you are the same as your parents. Think about it. You are playing "the game" with them and they are "winning".

Now if you want to "win" you need a better strategy. Certainly no information is a start.

If you do not know how to figure that out, a counselor for yourself is a great idea. You need someone neutral to bounce things off of. Good Luck!

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, while I sympathise in what you are dealing with....

You may not like my thoughts/advice.
You have set this up.
You are enabling this.
You are letting continue.

I am guessing that these are your parents. (not the kid's paternal grandparents) And, I am sensing that by being raised and influence by them since birth, that you really do not have a normal, healthy, sense of personal boundaries. At least it is a good thing that you clearly see now that they do have 'issues'.

Something tells me that, with folks like these grandparents, it is either their way, or the highway... And change would be difficult, and you fear that they would completely reject you and withdraw. (huff off in anger and never speak to you again)

IMHO, I would get an answering machine, and USE it.... turn off the phone ringer during inopportune times... Do not tell them ANY pertinent information that is not truly need-to-know. (information is POWER for people with these kinds of issues.) etc...

Unfortunately, when people refuse to respect personal boundaries, it is up to you to put up a few fences.

I sense that you fear that if you put up a few fences, they will become angry and pull the whole, "well, we reject you and won't speak to you..." scenario.

My response to people like that (even relatives) would be, "Okay, buh-bye...".

Sorry... I know your situation with them must be tough.

It is greatly compounded now that you have a child who is going along with this and who is actually going out of her way to call THEM.

At this point, there are a lot of factors, with your daughter caught in the middle.
I wouldn't look at it as something you need to 'win'.
You need to learn how to take steps to do what is right, or best.

If there is one thing that I would never have let happen, it is a relative that uses an innocent child and places them in the middle, as a pawn, in all the family 'angst'. Like the one who leaves presents on the doorstep (like neighborhood kids who ring the bell and run).

Again,

 

[Wishing on a star]

1. My child is 18 and the grandparents have unhealthy emotional issues.

2. They never mentioned that she called them...

3. I am going to tell them they have talked to her and not to call and ask me that anymore because I just do not see it.

to the above comments...

1. Kudos for recognizing that!!!! (note, their issues are NOT, EVER, going to change or go away....)

2. SHE called them.... Who is responsible here...

3. You shouldn't and can't tell somebody else what to do, or not do... The old adage is gold here.... You can't change the actions and attitudes of others, only YOUR reaction to them. (see my recommendations above re: screening calls, turning off phone ringer, etc...)

 

[amberg@eastlink.ca]

hun, i feel your pain! i never realized mine were controlling me until i had dd almost five years ago now. we used to be very very close, and then it came out in nicu. dd spent 2 weeks of her life there and my mom and her friend told us we would have to wait to feed her....um no. she then torn up one side of me and down the other in the nicu. it merely got worse as the weeks dragged on. i put my foot down for the first time in my life and they didnt like it. i stopped going out with them(didnt have my license at the time) cus i wasnt allowed to take my 6 week old home when i wanted to. in the begining all we asked for was a phone call before they'd show up on our door step. they didnt like it and it snowballed from there. i don't think that was unreasonable, but apparently it was.

we tried councelling, to no avail. after trying to put it aside time and again so she and he could be part of my childs life after her first bday and a tumiltous first year with mom we cut ties. it was hard but had to be done. even now, as i presume with you she can make your blood boil. it was the only healthy thing to do in our relationship. she wanted control and i wasn't giving it up. this was my child and i was her mom. mom didnt like that one bit. she told me to my face i was a bad mom and couldnt do this on my own(which i didnt understand since i was/am married), told people i had ppd(untrue, but her way of looking better when i wouldnt go out with them), accused dh of blackmailing them when we invited them down at this point in time vs the next day when id be out. it just got worse and worse. she never acknowledged ds when he was born, but 4 months later on dd's 2nd bday arrived at her party with a gift.

the more i've looked back the better i feel about my choice, it's not easy to cut them out, esp. when they're five minutes up the road. i've seen her parenting on my kid and it was pathetic, she wasn't much of one to me as my grandmother practically raised me and no way was i giving up raising my kid duties to my mom. up here we have one year to be with our babies and i was going to enjoy every moment.

my best advice is to cut ties and leave it to your children. if they want to be in your folks life, at 18 they are old enough and can decide. but lay down the law and tell them calls will not be answered or phone taken off the hook etc. you could go further and tell them calls will be made to them but they are not to call here any longer. good luck, stay strong and stand your ground!

 

[ladybird321]

I would not want to tell her not to call her grandparents because than I woud be like them. I do not want her in the monkey in the middle ideal. There are times when they called during the year she was just so busy with homework and activities she could not talk. Their response is always who is saying that you their insane. It is not my daughter who is aways fault, why would grandparents call me daily like they never heard from her and ask questions and not even say well she called me and have a conversatiion. Could they be trying to see who is getting called more? Craziness I simply cannot stand them and no I really could care less if I talk to them. These are the same people when my oldest was a handful in high school and my husband did not want her to go out nightly and yelled at her our daughter called them and they called the police on him. She was failing school and wanted to party every night.