Grandparents Seperating

[Tootles]

I have been so excited about this upcoming trip to WDW. We leave on Friday the 23rd (so less than 2 weeks!). My parents announced today that after almost 40 years of marriage, they're seperating. I am very close to my parents. I live in the same city as them (the only child of 4 that stayed local). I have two DS's, their only grandchildren. I'm in my early 30's! Why does it hurt so much still? Is that silly, it's not like I'm a child? I have my own home and family (DS8, DS5 and DH) now and I really don't "need" my parents the way I used to. You know what I mean.... My DS8 will be crushed. He especially is very close to my parents. He has ADD, CAPD and has been dealing with clinical depression for the past several months. I am so afraid that this will stress him out. (like it is me ) He is a child that needs security and familiarity. I know he has to find out soon. Do I tell him now, or do I keep it from him until we return from WDW? Next weekend my younger Sis and her DH will be in town and my Mom wants to have us all over to her place for brunch to celebrate DS's 6th birthday (it's actually while we're on vacation). My Dad obviously won't be there. Please, tell me how to deal with this....and how do you go away and not let it ruin your vacation?

 

[Disneylush]

Let your parents tell him! He will have questions and some you will not be able to answer or will answer "wrong". He needs to be able to come to you for support after he has been told.

 

[tonilea]

I wish I had some advice for you, but I fear I may soon be in the same boat. *sigh* I wish you all healing.

 

[Camno's Mama]

Ah...I was in your boat a year ago. I, too, am the only one of four that lives in town with my parents, and have two sons that are very attached to their grandparents. I explained it to them myself, because while my parents were the ones going through the divorce, I am responsible for explaining that kind of stuff to them. I just told my older one (the only one that really understands) that they will be living in different houses and that they still both love him very much and he will still see them, but that they just aren't going to live together anymore. He asked why, and I told him that sometimes married people decide to live apart when they don't get along anymore. He was a little bummed until he started thinking about all the fun parts of them living apart. I explained that he would still go out to eat with his grandma and watch bullriding with his grandpa, etc. He's actually enjoying it very much because they're in better moods.

From your perspective, I know it's hard. But it gets easier, and seeing my parents without having to deal with their disliking each other is a much better situation for me. Their divorce has gotten a little messy, which can be difficult, but I just remind them that I don't want to be involved in all of that since there is nothing I can do but worry. I honestly can't wait until they're officially divorced at this point. It's hard to watch people you love going through that, and it sometimes feels like your family is falling apart.

It'll be okay though...if you have a good relationship with your parents, that will stay strong as long as you all work at it. They still love you and your kids...it won't be the same, but it might even be better in the long run. Good luck...I know it's hard and I know that people don't always take your feelings that seriously as an adult child, but I completely understand. Good luck and derfinitely enjoy your trip...you can always tell them when you get back. It might make you feel better to put it out of your mind until the trip is over.

 

[Tootles]

Thanks Courtney. That was beautifully said. And yes, it does feel much better that you've been in my shoes and understand how it feels. Did you worry about them? Financially, emotionally etc.? I worry about them being lonely, and yet I worry about them both finding other people and moving on. My parents have been unhappy for several years now and maybe this is what they need. It's just hard (even as an adult) to come to terms with it. My DH went through this when I was pregnant with our DS8 and still doesn't understand how I feel. His Mom left his Dad for someone else. Long story short, they married and my father-in-law died a year later with cancer. The seperation/divorce my husband seemed to deal with fine. He would just shrug it off and say "it's their lives". He is not comfortable around his Mom's new husband still. He has thaught our boys that HE is NOT their grandfather-just Grandma's husband. They are too young to remember DH's father and never remember their Grandma not being married to this man. But I agree with DH's decision to have the boys just call him by his first name. My family was the "stable" side. I do want the best for my parents, but I do feel though like my family is falling apart. I really am going to try to not think about it while we're away. My Dad will be staying here at my place to watch our dog, cat, fish, horses etc. So, at least they'll both have someplace to stay.

 

[Not so Dumbo]

I'm sorry that you are having to go through this. My parents divorced when I was 12 so not really the same situation as yours, but I still understand how hard it is for you to have your parents divorce. It hurts, I'm sure at any age because they are still your parents and you love them and it's only natural for you to want them to love each other too. Plus now that you have your children to think about as well and knowing that they will also be hurt I'm sure only compounds your emotions. Maybe your DH didn't feel like you do because he is just responding to his situation differently, like maybe he doesn't want to deal with it and it's easier to just say oh well.
My kid's never knew my parents as being married and I just recently had to explain to them that they used to be married and how divorce works. They actually didn't know who my real parents were and which ones were my step parents. As for when or if your parents move on and find someone else, I found that it is actually a good thing. Each of my step parents brings something valuable to the family that my real parent didn't have, ie. my step mom is very outgoing, but my mom is very self-centered, ect.
My kid's call my step dad grandpa Ralph and my step mom grandma Cathy because to them they are still in a grandparent role and adding their name clarifies who we are talking about because I don't call them mom or dad.
As when to tell them, I would tell them after your trip if you think that the news will upset them. There really isn't an advantage in telling them before hand, right? Also, I would be the one to tell them, that way you can explain it to them in the way you want them to know.

 

[Tootles]

Thanks. I appreciate everyone being so willing to share with me their own stories, as well as help with any advice. My grandparents were all just told today (both my Mom's parents and my Dad's mom are all still alive and living here in town too). So, they all took it pretty badly. I do believe this will be hard on DS8, so I have decided to keep it from them until after the trip. My Mom just yesterday gave them each rolling luggage bags (Disney) for the trip as a surprise. The card was signed only by my Mom. (before I learned about their seperation) Things like that raise questions. So, with them celebrating DS's 6th b-day this coming weekend, I am a little more than cocerned. My Mom wanted to have the boys for a night for a sleepover before we leave, but for the first time, I told her I didn't think that was a very good idea. I just really want to escape to WDW! We have a 19 hour car ride to Florida ahead of us, and I am SO looking forward to getting away.....

 

[ksumn1]

I think you're doing the right thing. I wouldn't take the chance of ruining their trip. Let them go and have a good time before they have to deal with this. My parents aren't divorced but have such a rocky relationship that since age 16, I've wished they would get divorced. Every couple of years, my Dad decides to leave, my Mom threatens, cries, yells, etc etc, tells him she'll leave him broke, and he always changes his mind. She hates the fact that he drinks....but he has as long as I remember so it's nothing new. And sine I live behind them (literally) a they always try to drag me into it. And I can see both sides of it. The last time, it got ugly in front of my DD's and I told them I was done. i wanted nothing to do with it. If they were done, so be it. But it was time to grow up, make a decision to either be apart or be together, and that I would NOT let my children go through what I went through growing up. It's too much. No child, grown or not should have to be dragged in the middle.

When I was 16, and my sister was 8, my Dad left my Mom. He met someone else who made him happy. At that point, they were only friends. My Mom tried to commit suicide with my sister and I asleep in ourt beds. She drank a bottle of whiskey and took a bottle of painkillers. My Dad sent my Uncle to check on her, and he found her. I had to get up and take her to the hospital, because my Dad was in Tenenssee. So, as hard as I know it is, just be grateful that they are trying to be adults about it. And maybe they'll actually be better, more happy people for it.

Big hugs to you and your family right now. Now, try to forget this mess for a little while and go have a great trip at WDW!!!!

 

[MiniGirl]

I am so sorry to hear this, and just wanted to offer hugs.

I won't pretend to know how you feel, but your post just really saddened me. I found out yesterday that my best friend and her husband separated this weekend. We all just came back from our Disney cruise about 6 weeks ago. Her girls and my girls are best friends, and I'm wondering how and when to tell my dds. I know my oldest. She will start to wonder if Miss XXX and Mr. XYX can fall out of love then does that mean me and my dh will too. I also, of course, feel bad for my friend. I was talking to her this morning, and she was saying just how lonely it is. It is amazing at just how many people it effects.

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear it, and I hope you find peace and the right words and time to tell your children.

 

[Camno's Mama]

In answer to your question, yes, I do worry about my parents a lot. Financially, about their loneliness, wondering about what they are doing at night, the future, etc. But I try to tell myself that we should just take it one day at a time. If they need me, I'm here. I invite them to do a lot of stuff, and they're actually pretty busy. I think they try to keep themselves busy. I don't always agree with their choices (my mom has become a total barfly), but I know that they are just trying to get through a difficult time and hopefully, it will all balance out.

It's a situation that I really have no control over, and it's pretty pointless obsessively worrying about it. I thought about it a lot in the beginning, and talked to my brothers about it a lot, and eventually we all got used to it. If you are close with your siblings, then now is a really good time to talk to them. It helped all of us out a lot to lean on each other. We tried to remind each other not to get too involved, and there were moments where we all were crossing lines. We all try not to take sides, and tell each other our real feelings rather than sharing every opinion with our parents. The four of us probably have the best picture of the situation of anyone, and it helps that none of us are alone in this. My parents have had a bad marriage for a VERY long time though, and we have always relied on each other in that way. We're very close.

You'll feel better about all of it as times passes because you'll see that they're okay and more self reliant than you think. My dad still eats like crap and my mom is pretty clueless but they're adults and I have to try not to think too much about those things! It sounds like you really need a vacation to Disney right now! Great timing on that part!

 

[FSUDisneyGirl]

I know that it is still hard as a "grown-up kid." My boyfriend's parents divorced 2 years ago (we're 24 now). He had been out of his house for a while and was finishing up college. However, it hit him REALLY hard...so hard, that we almost broke up because he gave up on ever having a successful relationship in his life.

Luckily...I knew how much he was hurting, and I stuck around. Now it's been 3 years, and we're looking to get engaged. I know that it really sucked for him at the beginning, but things have been great for his parents. They have both lost a lot of weight (they were pretty unhealthy) and have more interactions with friends, etc.

I agree...tell your son after the trip! Have a great time!