Graduation party. Is this tacky?

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

That is wild. Just absurd. I definitely don't think that's standard in most of the US. I have never seen anything like that here or in the towns I've lived in elsewhere. $25-50 would be a really generous gift, and my mother doesn't spend $100+ even on wedding gifts for relatives.

And for my area/parties I've attended $20-$50 is the norm rather than considered generous. Generous is probably more like $75-$100+

Now weddings my husband and I tend to spend around $50 or so and that's generally a norm but it's not uncommon though to spend in the $50-$75+ especially for things like nice sheet sets at Bed Bath and Beyond for example or cookware or blender/mixer, etc stuff.

 

[SharonZ]

If I were invited to a potluck graduation party, I would decline. I think a gift and supplying some type of food is just too much to ask.

 

[Westcoastwild]

Actually from what I read it's not a polite "if you can bring something you're more than welcome to, if you can't no worries" type thing:



_____________
So sorta really does sound like the host is demanding something. And I don't know how the invite was worded but potluck doesn't just mean desserts or sides. There are drinks (and varieties of those drinks to satisfy multiple types of people), plates, napkins, utensils, etc though depending on how it all came out that stuff could have been taken care of by close close people to the person graduating.

Sure no one is dictacting what gift you give but you have to understand that more than likely $5 to most people isn't an adequate/appropriate gift amount in their eyes for a graduation (I could totally see a non-milestone birthday being that amount-heck my grandma gives $5 for birthdays for example) and thus would give more.

My point is that a gift is a gift. If anyone is sitting down and looking at my card and 5/10/20 dollars and thinking they're disappointed, then they have a skewed and greedy view of gift giving to begin with. It would be rude to voice that opinion and my parents would definitely still have expected me to write a thank you note if I'd been in the graduate's shoes. Do you invite people for a birthday party expecting a certain level of gift? I just want people to show up and to have a good time. I think the people who are expecting a certain level of gift are doing the whole thing wrong to begin with. Again. There is no indication that the woman is expecting any particular gifts at all. We don't even know the exact wording of the potluck bit.

 

[aprilgail]

That is wild. Just absurd. I definitely don't think that's standard in most of the US. I have never seen anything like that here or in the towns I've lived in elsewhere. $25-50 would be a really generous gift, and my mother doesn't spend $100+ even on wedding gifts for relatives.

Yup I know- I am always amazed when I see how much people give for weddings in other states- and here its nothing to give 250.00 for weddings- I actually turn down as many as I possibly can so I don't have to give that much of a gift!!

 

[Westcoastwild]

And for my area/parties I've attended $20-$50 is the norm rather than considered generous. Generous is probably more like $75-$100+

Now weddings my husband and I tend to spend around $50 or so and that's generally a norm but it's not uncommon though to spend in the $50-$75+ especially for things like nice sheet sets at Bed Bath and Beyond for example or cookware or blender/mixer, etc stuff.

Which is well within the $100 maximum. That seems reasonable. I was addressing the post that said they gave a $100 check as a "conservative" graduation gift. I'd spend that on a wedding gift but that seems crazy for a graduation gift, and it would definitely not be a "conservative" gift here- neither is it where you live if you see $75 as generous.

 

[Westcoastwild]

Yup I know- I am always amazed when I see how much people give for weddings in other states- and here its nothing to give 250.00 for weddings- I actually turn down as many as I possibly can so I don't have to give that much of a gift!!

That would be my approach too. I don't really like weddings as it is, though, so I never get the general outrage over the expensive gifts or receptions. It's not a big deal to not go, and it's generally a lot less stress. It's an invitation not an order.

I would definitely be taken aback if I got a grad party invite with a wedding venue. I just don't know anyone who would go to that effort. Wedding venues here book out a year in advance!

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

My point is that a gift is a gift. If anyone is sitting down and looking at my card and 5/10/20 dollars and thinking they're disappointed, then they have a skewed and greedy view of gift giving to begin with. It would be rude to voice that opinion and my parents would definitely still have expected me to write a thank you note if I'd been in the graduate's shoes. Do you invite people for a birthday party expecting a certain level of gift? I just want people to show up and to have a good time. I think the people who are expecting a certain level of gift are doing the whole thing wrong to begin with. Again. There is no indication that the woman is expecting any particular gifts at all. We don't even know the exact wording of the potluck bit.

I think you're missing the point but ok. I'm not even talking about what the recipient's feelings are towards the gifts they get..that's a whole other thread/topic really so I'm not sure what that has to do with what we're talking about here. I don't think people including myself brought up what the gift recipient expects only what we as a gift giver would do.

As far as indication......I think you're not quite grasping what is being said. I think we all would probably say it was soo tacky if the host came right out and said "and bring $20 as a gift will ya..cuz I expect it". That's not at all what I'm saying. The host does however expect people to bring something and that something I can only assume means food given the potluck aspect and where it was mentioned in the post.

The gift and the amount of the gift is part of a societal norm is probably the best I can explain it. I can't say much about your neck of the woods because you've shared what's the norm there. But what I was trying to explain as well as a few others is that's not a general norm of graduation parties as a whole-especially shrugging it off with "A dollar store card and a $5 gift isn't exactly a big haul" assuming that most people would give that (whether they actually know the person or not).

Which is well within the $100 maximum. That seems reasonable. I was addressing the post that said they gave a $100 check as a "conservative" graduation gift. I'd spend that on a wedding gift but that seems crazy for a graduation gift, and it would definitely not be a "conservative" gift here- neither is it where you live if you see $75 as generous.

I was responding specifically to you saying $25-$50 would be a really generous gift (which would actually be considered the norm not really generous in my experience/area)..not at all about the other poster's experience...

 

[Westcoastwild]

I think you're missing the point but ok. I'm not even talking about what the recipient's feelings are towards the gifts they get..that's a whole other thread/topic really so I'm not sure what that has to do with what we're talking about here. I don't think people including myself brought up what the gift recipient expects only what we as a gift giver would do.

As far as indication......I think you're not quite grasping what is being said. I think we all would probably say it was soo tacky if the host came right out and said "and bring $20 as a gift will ya..cuz I expect it". That's not at all what I'm saying. The host does however expect people to bring something and that something I can only assume means food given the potluck aspect and where it was mentioned in the post.

The gift and the amount of the gift is part of a societal norm is probably the best I can explain it. I can't say much about your neck of the woods because you've shared what's the norm there. But what I was trying to explain as well as a few others is that's not a general norm of graduation parties as a whole-especially shrugging it off with "A dollar store card and a $5 gift isn't exactly a big haul" assuming that most people would give that (whether they actually know the person or not).

I was responding specifically to you saying $25-$50 would be a really generous gift (which would actually be considered the norm not really generous in my experience/area)..not at all about the other poster's experience...

I understand what you mean. I'm just saying that "cash grab" implies that the woman in question invited these people with an eye on how much each person would gift her daughter. No one makes up a guest list that way, or at least no one normal. A potluck in a park does not scream cash grab to me. It says that she was probably asked by relatives where the party was at, so she planned a potluck and then extended an invitation to anyone she thought might want to come. Potlucks are a mixed bag in general and anyone who hosts one is doing it to make their life easier. People can bring what they want to eat, and the host can just provide meat, buns, and a case of soda. I don't understand how the potluck aspect is an imposition or tacky. You can make your favorite salad or buy a pack of Oreos on the way to the party. If you like the person the party is in honor of, you bring a gift. If you don't, why would you show up?

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I'm just saying that "cash grab" implies that the woman in question invited these people with an eye on how much each person would gift her daughter. No one makes up a guest list that way, or at least no one normal.

I assure you there are people who invites friends of a friend or people you now as an acquaintance just to increase odds of gifts. Not to mention there have been multiple threads on people doing just this as far as they themselves inviting people they don't know or they were invited to an event where they barely know the person or only know them by association and they ask "is this a cash grab or not".

In the case of the OP's situation and the way the host wants it more people=more food and potentially more money. Hey she's not doing the work on making all that food for 100 people or buying food for that 100 people either since she want's people to bring stuff so it sorta skews on the more negative side (though depending on the circumstances even doing the cooking or ordering/paying for catering can still skew more on the negative side).

A potluck in a park does not scream cash grab to me. It says that she was probably asked by relatives where the party was at, so she planned a potluck and then extended an invitation to anyone she thought might want to come.

I have no idea why you were infer that she was probably asked by relatives where the party was at so she planned a potluck and extended the invite to those who might want to come. I'm totally confused on that sequence of events there. That to me doesn't sound plausible. And I'm not sure why the place would determine the cash grab at least to me it's more how did the host determine who would be invited.

People can bring what they want to eat, and the host can just provide meat, buns, and a case of soda. I don't understand how the potluck aspect is an imposition or tacky. You can make your favorite salad or buy a pack of Oreos on the way to the party.

Potlucks aren't tacky..but potlucks at certain events can be.

If you like the person the party is in honor of, you bring a gift. If you don't, why would you show up?

I'm not understanding this comment TBH.

 

[Shanti]

There's a lady in my neighborhood who's having a graduation party for her daughter who just graduated high school. She's invited about 100 people. A lot of them are people she doesn't even know. I know her (the mom) because her younger DD is friends with my DD. I don't personally know her older DD, but we do say hi in passing. She even invited my mom and I asked her (my mom)to tell me the graduate's name, and she didn't know. I feel like this party is just a money grab. On top of that, it's a potluck and she expects everyone to bring something. It's the day after I return from Disney World, so I won't be going. I don't care so much about the potluck part, it's the money grab. Is this party tacky? When I graduated high school, I only invited close friends and family to my party. What do you think? Any similar stories I'd be curious to hear about.

Maybe there was some personal obstacle the girl faced that made this graduation especially meaningful to her family, & they are so joyful, the family wants to invite everyone to celebrate.

 

[Westcoastwild]

I assure you there are people who invites friends of a friend or people you now as an acquaintance just to increase odds of gifts. Not to mention there have been multiple threads on people doing just this as far as they themselves inviting people they don't know or they were invited to an event where they barely know the person or only know them by association and they ask "is this a cash grab or not".

In the case of the OP's situation and the way the host wants it more people=more food and potentially more money. Hey she's not doing the work on making all that food for 100 people or buying food for that 100 people either since she want's people to bring stuff so it sorta skews on the more negative side (though depending on the circumstances even doing the cooking or ordering/paying for catering can still skew more on the negative side).

I have no idea why you were infer that she was probably asked by relatives where the party was at so she planned a potluck and extended the invite to those who might want to come. I'm totally confused on that sequence of events there. That to me doesn't sound plausible. And I'm not sure why the place would determine the cash grab at least to me it's more how did the host determine who would be invited.

Potlucks aren't tacky..but potlucks at certain events can be.

I'm not understanding this comment TBH.

The relative thing is just supposition on my part- the people who tend to do potlucks here tend to do them because lots of relatives want to come to stuff like graduation parties, and potluck is a cheap way to feed everyone, as well as a way to make people feel useful. If you do a potluck, then people aren't constantly asking what to bring. And I really can't think of a situation where a potluck would be inappropriate. It could be inappropriate based on the host, sure, but we know nothing- absolutely nothing- about this neighbor. Maybe the OP is assuming cash grab based on past experiences, but they haven't told us about those experiences.

The last bit- I was merely pointing out that if you like the kid, you show up with a gift. If you don't, the party doesn't affect you because you aren't going. It doesn't affect the Op- they aren't attending regardless of whether or not this is a cash grab. So I'm not sure why this bothers the OP in the first place...

 

[mousefanmichelle]

That is wild. Just absurd. I definitely don't think that's standard in most of the US. I have never seen anything like that here or in the towns I've lived in elsewhere. $25-50 would be a really generous gift, and my mother doesn't spend $100+ even on wedding gifts for relatives.

I gotta say my dd's party was a week ago and her close friends families gave $50 and our families and our close friends gave $100 to her. She received a fair amount of money from her party. If it matters we are in MI. $25 is not generous here - it is on the cheap side to be honest. I know that sounds horrible but its the truth.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Cash in general is quite a common thing to give for graduation. Usually the intent is to celebrate but also help send off the person onto their next phase in life (like weddings, baby showers, etc).

Heck my father-in-law's girlfriend's son (ugh that sounds funny to say it that way) made several grand from his party just 2 days ago (which is quite the amount).

But perhaps it would be different if the amount being invited wasn't so large for the OP's situation. If you really know closely enough 100 people you want sure ok but often inviting quite a large number of people loosely close to you comes off as you want more of X and in this case it's either gifts, food or both

I think for this it's a lot specific for your area. You're assuming (which yes we're all sorta assuming here) that people JUST give $5 for a graduation so surely graduations aren't really raking in the dough so it's not a big deal or doesn't constitute a cash grab...but a card from the dollar store (well can't say much there since I don't know if they come from the dollar store) and a $5 bill is NOT normal for any graduation party I've been to or had myself.

Most often I see $20-$40 or more. Usually it's $20 bills (or $50 bills) and I would assume that's because it's easier to get that from an ATM. But I've seen $25 as well.

I can see that. I was invited to 3 graduation parties two weeks ago. I gave $25 each. They were my SO cousins kids. We aren't very close with them but we are closer to their parents. I wasn't giving more than that.

For one of my nieces or nephews or someone I'm closer to I would give $50 or more.

 

[Hikergirl]

Ok. But the OP doesn't know for sure that the woman in question doesn't know these people. She's basing it on the fact the woman invited her mother and she admitted already that there is a relationship there. Not a close friendship but they volunteer at the same school and presumably have known each other for awhile.

And admittedly I don't know how it is everywhere. But neither do we know what amount is customary where the OP lives.

I know people who invite everyone and their dog to parties or BBQs. I am not one of those people. But if I got an invite from those people I wouldn't see it as a cash grab, and either I go or I decline. The gift I bring or don't bring, or the fact that I accept or decline does not have any impact on whether I get invited again.

I guess the way I see it is: you never have to attend this stuff, and if you go, no one except you dictates what gift you give anyway. The woman isn't demanding anything or charging for the event. She's just asking people who do come to bring a dessert or side.

I don't think a BBQ is the same as a party specifically to celebrate an event like a birthday or graduation. And you are right you don't have to go if you are invited, I don't think anyone here has said that you do have too . We are just discussing what is and what isn't tacky. The OP's mom doesn't even know the graduate's name, to me that means she doesn't really "know" the woman who invited her.
And you keep bringing up the amount, but that really doesn't matter. $5 or $50, its still a gift grab when you invite anyone who you don't really know that well.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

The relative thing is just supposition on my part- the people who tend to do potlucks here tend to do them because lots of relatives want to come to stuff like graduation parties, and potluck is a cheap way to feed everyone, as well as a way to make people feel useful. If you do a potluck, then people aren't constantly asking what to bring.

I guess that's a case of different experiences.

Other than a card and/or gift I have never been expected to bring food (like I already mentioned) for any event unless it was a work food day or a bbq/picnic/4th of july type thing (well I guess Memorial Day and Labor Day fall in there too). Now of course that's just my experience but that's probably more of a normal thing majority of people would associate potlucks with.

As far as offering to bring something..yeah that happens but typically only with those most close to person who the event is for, not necessarily the kid's friend's parents, all the other relatives, the neighbors, the adult you see occasionally at school functions, etc.

It's interesting you bring up that potluck is a cheap way to feed everyone because that would make me wonder IF cost is a thought why does the party need 100 people then? I'm sure the list could have been trimmed down some at least to a more manageable cost-effective amount of people without doing potluck.

It could be inappropriate based on the host, sure, but we know nothing- absolutely nothing- about this neighbor.

Well yeah we're all just discussing with what we know. I think it's just most of us are chiming in on sorta the same track that your experience seems to stand out as less of a norm and more of a specific area situation. Not saying anything is wrong with that it's just how the discussion evolved.

Maybe the OP is assuming cash grab based on past experiences, but they haven't told us about those experiences.

Eh..I think we're just again going off of norms not necessarily jaded experiences.

The last bit- I was merely pointing out that if you like the kid, you show up with a gift. If you don't, the party doesn't affect you because you aren't going. It doesn't affect the Op- they aren't attending regardless of whether or not this is a cash grab.

I guess the "liking the kid" part is confusing me as I'm not sure I would see that as a prerequiste to going to a party or not-maybe more my side is does it make sense for a host to make an invite list based on if they like the kid or not? I'm not envisioning the host say "well Sue doesn't like Johnny so don't invite her to Johnny's graduation party" I mean the mom of the OP doesn't even know the kid's name who is graduating I don't know if they've been around each other to even know if mom of the OP likes the kid.

I thought this was more of a discussion versus a "doesn't affect you if you're not going why care" (which yes some threads do run that track). The only reason we got that they weren't going was because it was the day after they returned from vacation (I get that because I know many vacations I come back and I need a rest day or more than one day to really get back YKWIM?).

 

[soccerdad72]

I suppose it's probably tacky, but the thing about invites like this is that they're easy enough to turn down. No need to go if you barely know the person - and easy to do without insulting them, especially if you're unlikely to ever see them.

 

[CarolAnn856]

Personally, I can't call this event as "tacky," at least not with the information provided. It turns out that the grandmother does have a connection to the family, even if she doesn't know the graduate personally, so that argument that the OP makes goes out the window for me. Some people like to celebrate big and invite everyone they know. It doesn't automatically make it a gift grab. And while potlucks are not at all common around here for graduation parties, maybe that's what's traditional for this family. I'm in the give-them-the-benefit-of-the-doubt camp on this one.

As for gifts, around here (South Jersey, near Philly), $50 is a typical graduation gift from adult guests and $100 would be generous. The same was true for my son's Eagle Scout ceremony, if that helps as a benchmark. When the kids go to their friends' grad parties solo, they usually give a $10-$20 gift card.

 

[fly girl]

I don't find it tacky at all. We're a big party family & invite everyone. We just like to share the fun & nobody has to come if they don't want to.

I'm partially with you.

I don't find it tacky that she's inviting a ton of people to a party. As OP stated, she lives in a small town where info like this spreads quickly.

However...

Personally, I think it's tacky to ask for food. That's odd for a graduation party. Even "open houses" like we have in MI (all day event where people come and go, grab a bite and a drink, talk to pals, say congrats and leave), the food was supplied. Never have I heard bring a dish.

I don't like being asked to double down (food and gift) to go to a grad party. Yep, tacky.

 

[luvsJack]

Grad gifts around here are usually 15-25$ if cash or a gift for the dorm room if the kid is going to college.

Here, the party would not be tacky. Many people have a cook out for their kid's grad party and include anyone and everyone. Everyone brings a dish and whatever they want to drink. Its about getting together and enjoying the time, not about who cooked what.

Heck, how many big weddings include people that don't know the bride and groom very well? Professional connections to one or the other of the parents is all that is usually required to get an invite.

 

[adisneyaunt]

Tacky?
A super large grad party, not tacky
My nieces last week was over 1oo people.. ( catered/music/ friend n family)
Inviting people you don't know, have no contact with or care about.. yes tacky.. looks like another reason here/$
Potlucks tacky? , no ... but not at a graduation party.. so in this case yes off putting to say the least.
I'd just decline and be done with it

Congrats to All the recent grads ( and parents) out there!