grades

[bearloch]

at what age/grade do you back off and let your child be responsible for getting good or bad grades? how do you handle them not wanting to study for weekly tests and or not doing their best work?


just wondering as my SIL is asking me this! lol

thanks

 

[Donaldswife]

at what age/grade do you back off and let your child be responsible for getting good or bad grades? how do you handle them not wanting to study for weekly tests and or not doing their best work?


just wondering as my SIL is asking me this! lol

thanks

I'd like to know this as well! I do not do my DD10's homework, but I feel she should be studying more on her own.....we have parent teacher conferences in two weeks and this is a subject I will definitely be asking the teacher. Hard to know where to draw the line on helping or letting them take all the responsibility.

 

[Piper]

IMHO they need to learn to be responsible for their learning in elementary school. Face it--this is one of the few things children control and too often bad grades are a way of exerting that control and "punishing" the parent. If parents let them suffer the consequences early in their academic career (before it goes on academic records) many kids would do better.

I'm not saying that you cannot impose some of those consequences yourself. For example: "Oh, you got all C's and D's. This tells me that you don't have enough time to study. Let me see. If you don't play soccer (take dance, etc) this semester, maybe you will have enough time. You know in High School, you have to be able to keep up your grades in order to play sports (participate in drill team, etc.) If your grades come up, then we'll see if you can handle that activity and keep them up." All this is said without getting angry and/or allowing argument.

 

[cornflake]

Agree they're ALWAYS responsible for their own grades and studying and etc. Same as they're always responsible for ... whatever, picking up their toys or making the bed or bussing the table or whatever chores, as soon as they can physically manage them.

That doesn't mean they don't need to at times be reminded, nagged, ridden, etc., or have discussions about how to better manage their time, their responsibility, develop better habits or what have you, but that's how they learn. Or that if their grades aren't up to their ability there can't be punishments or whatever, same as if the chores aren't done.

The idea that at some point their grades aren't their responsibility is weird to me though.

 

[disykat]

I agree that they're ALWAYS responsible. As for when a parent is not involved at all, possibly never, depending on the kid. The parent's role is secondary support.

I have two kids. The oldest was a really conscientious student. I don't remember EVER having to have any involvement other than what he ASKED for. He liked me to quiz him, proof read, etc. and was still asking me to do so at times up to graduation.

My other son has needed reminders, encouragement to go beyond the bare minimum, etc. I think we actually looked at his homework daily all through grade school. In middle school I made him show me his planner and tell me his action plan for getting it done. He's in high school and I still ask "do you have much homework tonight?" or "how's your homework load?" etc. pretty regularly. (If I ask him his "plan" he rolls his eyes at me and says "mom, you KNOW I don't have a plan!") If his progress reports aren't going well I "help" him (force him to?) brainstorm ways to prioritize his schoolwork. While I'm certainly not involved in the nitty gritty of doing it, and he has to take the responsiblity for it, I'm still an interested party.

That said, for BOTH children we set up the "homework time" habit from the day they started school, told them to ask if they needed anything, and they did their work independent from us. And, believe it or not after my last paragraph, both are good students.

Even in college, my kids have the "show me the grades and I'll write the check" rule - so we're still involved!

 

[Katy Belle]

I have 3 kids, all very different from each other. My oldest DS17, I said, "Fly ,be free" as it pertains to school, years and years ago. He could always handle it. We have had to put requirements on his grades. One year the rule was "more As than Bs, no Cs, Ds, or incompletes. If he didn't do that, then no video games for an entire semester. He did it. I think it was 7th or 8th grade. He's a Senior now. I don't even have his codes for the on-line grade book. I do ask him very occasionally how his grades are. I got a "progress report" from the school today, they send once a quarter. He is on his own. If he asks me to help him study, of course I do, but it is rare and it is at his request.

DS12 is mostly on auto-pilot. Or was, until I looked at the on-line grade book 2 nights ago and see he has a D in Math. He is now required to bring home his Math book every night and I check his homework. If its bad, I re-teach what was taught in class. Other than that...there is the occasional, "have you done your homework?"

DS15.... recently diagnosed with ADD...on meds for 2 weeks now. If I had taken the "fly be free" with him, he would have flunked. He did not have the ability to manage it on his own. The meds are really, really helping and I see that he's going to be able to take over responsibility for all school work eventually. Baby Steps.

So, for me, kid by kid basis. AND...if you KNOW they are super bright, don't let them settle for Bs...we had one year of that, and I regret not pushing a bit harder.

 

[joviroxx]

I think each child is different. I have 2 kids. DD12 has never had an issue. She has always been organized, on top of things and never needed any help. If she was confused about something, she would just ask otherwise, she pretty much has handled all her own things, including projects, since about 5th grade. I never even check her grades anymore.

DS14 is another story. He has always been one that asked for help studying, projects, etc. With him my efforts have gone more into being on top of things than doing everthing on his own. He has always had issues with time management and I've needed to keep on him. He's much better now as he has started high school but I do still sit with him on Fridays to help him schedule his next week. I back off more now and just check that he keeps his grades up with consequences if he doesn't.

 

[LittleMissMagic]

This is a topic I'm very interested in, as well.

Ever since I came home from first grade, my mother put me in the routine - homework first, then play. That's what I did, and it was drilled into me that I did my homework first (without pushing or reminders) all the way through school until I graduated. I always had very high standards for myself (I'm not sure where I obtained these... my sister and I are both overachievers, but there is the big nature v. nurture debate, and my parents are both hardworkers... which means the argument could go either way), so after about 3rd grade, I knew what my goals were (all As), and was determined to achieve them. My parents never had to reward me or punish me when it came to grades because good grades were something I wanted for myself.

I think the key is to teach them to prioritize homework before playtime. I started out doing my homework in the kitchen, and then as I needed less and less help, I'd move to my bedroom (well, actually we were nerds with a "study" for my sister and me). I think that once they grasp that concept, they're responsible for themselves.

 

[Janepod]

I will probably stop sophomore year of college.

I really don't know. My kid is bright but kind of lazy. E.g., he's in the top reading group in his grade (no one else in first grade is in his DRA level) so he said he's not going to read until November. He tries to do as little as possible. I don't dare imagine what he'll be like at, say, 15. I try not to hover (and it's not like he has homework at this age) but I do need to kick his butt a bit.

 

[SmallWorld71]

As mentioned, it depends on the kid. But, here's what has happened with mine:

DS13 (8th grade) - I've never had to push him. He's been completely independent with his homework since 3rd grade. He knows he can ask me for help if needed, but it is rare. Occasionally he will ask my opinion on an assignment or help studying for a test, but that is also rare. He always gets good grades and I've never had a teacher tell me he was missing an assignment. I never actually see him doing his homework as 99% of the time he does it before I get home from work (about an hour after him.)

DD9 (4th grade) I still need to help her with time management. She wants to do her work and hand it in but will wait until too late in the evening if I don't remind her. She is getting better though, and I am hopeful that she will be on her own (with just the occasional monitoring) next year. She also does better with studying aloud and will ask me to quiz her when she has a test coming up. I was like this as a student as well.

 

[shortbun]

I think you always talk to your children about their school work and grades. The level of involvement changes according to the child and what they are doing. Some kids need nothing but encouragement and a pat on the back; others need some supervision. Homework should be their total responsibility by the time they leave middle school. Should being the key word. Some kids need incentives, either positive or negative. I've seen children so plagued by ADD that they needed constant refocusing through high school. As schoolwork gets more difficult and intellectual, discussing the work with your children can become a real philosophical converesation rather than your needing to interfere. Parents should always take an interest, look at some of the work, ask kids how things are going, talk about their teachers and the other students in their class IF they want their children to know that they are important to them. You get to know your children as they get more and more sophisticated that way and everyone benefits.

 

[bearloch]

we were just chatting again she is gonna impose a grade cut off if thegrade falls below it will be her way ( no facebook, Etc) I am curious how it will play out ! Im lucky cause my kid does pretty good excet math and I suck there so she kinda on her own!

 

[Gumbo4x4]

When they get a job & move out.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

College.

 

[leebee]

DD-almost19 (on Sunday!) is a sophomore in college, lives on campus even though the University is here in town. She was home this afternoon for 5 hours; she stayed for dinner and I helped her study for tomorrow's big bio test. She's a liberal arts girl so the science/math stuff is really a challenge for her, even though she gets great grades. We're lucky that education has always been important to her, even when she was spending 5 hours a day in the dance studio. She has great study habits, so it's never been a problem; with a packed schedule she's always known that any spare time, even only 15 minutes, can be dedicated to homework. We've always checked things, edited papers, helped with studying for tests, etc, but because she's always asked, not because we were controlling the homework. She's always known that if her grades didn't stay up, the time in the dance studio would come down... and it was never a problem.

SO... we are still helping with homework in "grade" 14!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

at what age/grade do you back off and let your child be responsible for getting good or bad grades? how do you handle them not wanting to study for weekly tests and or not doing their best work?


just wondering as my SIL is asking me this! lol

thanks

Depends on the kid and any issues they have. Age does not matter.

If child insists on "doing it themselves" (aka don't bug me mom) and they do not have any learning, medical, or mental issues then their grades have to match their claims.

If your child has "bad grades", probably need to see what the heck is going on. You might find out that they are not able to absorbed the material, test anxiety, poor organization, need a private tutor, etc. or they are just blowing it off.

If their grades suck & they are blowing it off then you put the hammer down and take away media, parties, etc.....

So, bottom line as long as kid says they will "be in charge" and the grades are ok, you back off. If they have "bad grades" you don't allow that & work to find out the reason & fix it.
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[mfd25wife]

DD's in college. Sometimes, she still asks for assistance and I'm ok with that. I would rather help her than her not tell me and end up doing poorly. I don't push as hard, but I did push hard in high school and under. I think kids don't always understand exactly how much it affects them later in life.

 

[luvsJack]

Depends on the kid. Oldest DS and dd have always taken the responsibility on their own. DD knows when she knows the material and doesn't need to study and she knows when she needs to study. She always completes written homework.

Younger ds we had to basically stand over him until high school. Suddenly in hs, a light went off and he suddenly started doing it on his own.

It can also depend on the teacher. DD had a science teacher in 8th grade that she just couldn't get the material from. They would have a huge amount of notes and it seemed like no matter how much dd studied, she couldn't make a good grade on the tests. So, I stepped in and helped her find different ways to study for those tests. We made flashcards every week and that seemed to help.

 

[Jedana]

Our process with the kids:

Studying is not negotible. What time to do it is. DS usually likes a break after school--he rides his bike almost 2 miles home, and the weather can be yucky (muggy, rainy, occasionally cold, usually hot). He comes home, gets a snack and water, and can play until dinner. (Unless he has chores, then those get done before he runs to play). After dinner, he does his homework/studying. DH is usually on the machine so he has time to help DS.

Tuesdays are different, due to Scouts--he can mess around for an hour, then does his homework in the car on the way to dinner/scouts.

Our goal is to have them do their best, in anything they do. If our kids can honestly only make a C or a D, and they are trying their best, we are happy with that. But they have to be responsible and try to get things right.

My DD2, no matter how hard she tried or any amount of tutoring, could only pass geometry with a D. She got algebra with a lot of hard work, but geometry was not clicking. Science and English were her strong subjects, math was hard for her.

One year, DD2 had a teacher in math that was horrible--he would assign them pages in the book and then spend the rest of the class period on his computer. No help, no explanations. I think that is when she started to struggle. (We worked with her on the subject, but she wasn't getting the help she needed at school--and failed several exams because she didn't do the process the way it was done in the book; she was doing it the way we taught her that made sense to her).

DS is like DH--they think math in a way that is completely foreign to me. For example, 281-159, I would carry over from the tens, do the ones, then tens then hundreds, to make 122. DH goes 159 is close to 160 so 281-160 is 121, so that's our start point, now add the one you dropped in to make it 160....ARGH!!!!

Each of my kids learn differently. DD2 needs to be taught step by step, verbally and visually, and needs a bit of help the first few times through. DD1 needed to be taught verbally or visually, but could go on from there with minimal effort. DS is more like DD1.

 

[scrapquitler]

My DD is a high school junior, a very good student in all honors & AP classes. We have access to grades/attendance/school announcements online via Power School.

I look on there about once a week to see how her grades look. Sometimes I might notice a missing assignment and mention it to her, or a grade that is lower than expected, but for the most part, I don't intervene.

Today I noticed that there is a test showing 0/100 from 9/11 and I asked her about it. Apparently she got a 91 on that test (she showed me the test), but for some reason, the teacher didn't enter it. So she is going to speak to him about that today. If I weren't watching out, that might not have been noticed. Last night at Open House her English teacher spoke to this exact topic. She told us that over the course of the year she enters about 10,000 grades into the grading program (she gives lots of assignments, and has about 125 students) so inevitably there WILL be mistakes, and unless someone is double checking, that error might go unnoticed. So that is only ONE of the reasons why I check my child's grades.

I also check her grades because it's easier to notice a problem early on. Last year she went thru a few weeks where her grades plummeted and I was able to notice right away and we were able to deal with the issue she was having (a non school issue that affected her ability to do her work) and get her back on track quickly.

The bottom line is that although she is a high achieving high school student, I am still her parent and it is still my responsibility to make sure she is doing well. I don't do the work, but at times I do still sit with her while she does her work and 'help' (usually by proofreading and editing writing assignments, quizzing vocab words, asking questions about reading assignments to help her clarify the material). And I will continue to do that as long as she lives here (and maybe even beyond if that is what she wants). But by no means am I micromanaging or controlling things...she works independently except for reminders (all summer I had to remind her, shouldn't you start that summer reading? Did you finish the pre-calculus packet yet?)