Going to see Elder Attorney... Help me with the questions I need to ask..

[LovesTimone]

I get that. The problem isn't generally with the helpful child, it's with either (a) the parents, who have it stuck in their head that they "need to leave something to the kids", or (b) a greedy child, who typically is nowhere to be found when there's actual work/care to be done. I had both (a) and (b) when my mom needed help--she wanted to leave her house to the kids, and my brothers were seeing dollar signs, while my poor sister was the one doing the heavy lifting (I lived 200 miles away and was very pregnant with my 4th child--I was only able to provide emotional support to my sister). Luckily, my sister had POA, etc. My brothers would have been perfectly happy, moving Mom in with Sis, who had stairs, one bathroom (upstairs), and live 50 yards from a very busy commercial strip (2 lanes in each direction). Plus, Sis works full time, so she would be leaving our demented Mom there by herself, hours at a time. Um, no! Sis found a nice residence where our mother got excellent care for the last several months of her life. Mom even ended up leaving us a little bit, only because she hadn't gone through all her savings, but I would have been fine with getting nothing, so long as she was safe and cared for.

I do wish you luck. This isn't easy. I know you're trying to do the best for them.

I can complete understand what you are saying... I have the same issue with my brother, who just stir's the pot constantly and keeps them upset. Yet he has not even lifted one finger to help in anyway... Yet he wants to tell them what to do.... It's just is so unnecessary for him to act this way. Dealing with this is stressful enough, and you would think that he would get it, and shut up. What upsets me the most is when he ask me things like how much do you think the house is worth, or what do you think that we will be able to get for it... I finally had it with him, and I said first off mom and dad are not even close to this point. Second what makes you think that there will anything left, once everything is paid for. Which he was like well I get half, I was like sure once everything is settled, and basic math is half of nothing is still nothing. So don't count on any money or assets being leftover.

Even though you were pregnant, you gave emotional support to your sister. Which I can tell you that having that is very important... My DH and DD both are very supportive, DH is the voice of reason, and keeps me sane, and helps me with stuff over at my parents house... my DD steps up when DH and I are out of town... She checks on them, and keeps up with doctors appointments and test results, All while working full time, and taking care of our grandson, and husband. She doesn't blink she just jumps in and helps me.

 

[LovesTimone]

just thought of something else-

pensions-help your parents research what type of paperwork they have to have on file with anyone who provides a pension that would enable you to contact that entity on their behalf. you would think that a valid power of attorney would work for this purpose but based on our experience dealing with 2 different public agencies our late parents received pensions from we learned that one would accept a p.o.a. but the other has their own specific p.o.a. form that has to be completed AND ACCEPTED (a process that can take up to 6 months during non covid imapacted periods). it can also be VERY helpful to get a copy of the pension details so you're aware ahead of time what benefits a survivor is eligible to, what you will need to submit on their behalf...that way there's not months of delays with no money coming in while establishing a survivor's pension.

medical stuff-medical p.o.a. and such seem to work (in my experience) well with providers BUT health insurance companies also seem to have their own forms they want completed by members that allow others to do so much as make an inquiry on their behalf (like 'why has mom's med always been covered at the reasonable copay but now it's being denied to the tune of many hundreds of dollars for a single refill?'). the insurance dh and i have as well as the one our adult dd has (different companies) both have their own forms AND they are only good for a certain period of time so i set a calendar note to myself to get new ones done about 60 days out from the expiration of the existing so there's no lapse in communication ability.

Oh goodness, I did not even think about all that... more notes and things to add to the check list. I can't tell you how much I appreciate all the help...

There is just so much to cover and get in line, and there really isn't much info out there to help.

 

[mgarbowski]

We all live in Florida... As the POA - I am able to make medical, financial decision if they are not able to make them, or if they mentally are not able, with if they have dementia or Alzheimer.. as well as making the end of life decision if they were on life support... I know what their wishes are... as well they both have a DNR already... I have all the paper work, for that, as well as the last will and testaments, I am executor of both their wills.

I would recommend getting a more expansive POA that allows you to act regardless of their capacity. It will simplify things considerably. Otherwise, you might be asked to provide proof of incapacity, and any time you can avoid an extra requirement or step I think you should do so. Of course, your parents have to agree to this, and it requires trust, but it sounds like your relationship is such that it would work. My mother executed a broad POA almost 20 years before we needed it, and when my sister and I needed to step in earlier this year, it made everything much easier. Until then it sat in a drawer. We had heard that sometimes certain entities would reject an old POA like that, which might be true, but in our experience every institution from healthcare providers to financial accepted the one we had.
Other than that I second all the good advice already provided.

 

[LovesTimone]

Do you have a separate Durable Power of Attorney for Medical Care? If so, then I do not understand why your parents need or would want a DNR. You should be the one making an end-of-life decision for your parents, not a medical person. JMHO.

The attorney, suggested it, for the just in case, something was to happen and I was out of town or the country and could not be reached. This way their wishes are still being followed. The attorney said that sometimes the medical people will err on the side of caution, and do life support, having the DNR ensures that their wishes are being followed. That they would be kept comfortable, and without pain. With that said... Even with the DNR in most cases they will do life support measures, until the POA can be reached, with everyone so quick to sue, I totally get it...
I can see both points of view on this.

When my aunt passed away, they had her on life support until my cousins could be reached, and get there, so that they could say goodbye... Even though she had a DNR posted in her room, my Uncle was her POA and he was very upset that they did not follow her wishes, and let her pass quietly, instead of as he put it "hooking her up to all that, which is something that she did not want" ... I can see both points of view.

From what I understand, even with the DNR... the POA has the power to con't life support measure if they so choose... I will be asking that question to get clarification on that...

Thanks for bring that up,...