going rate for a cash wedding gift?

[msjprincess]

lately I think the pendulum is swinging more towards the couple expects it. There are way too many stories, like the most recent one in the news, where the bride and groom have very specific expectations for their gifts and are not shy about making that known.

I have also seen plenty of posts here on the DIS over the years of miffed brides complaining about how their relative or friend stiffed them for their wedding.

In fact, the increasing entitlement attitude towards everything from bachelorette parties to wedding gifts is becoming very noticeable.

These days if a couple complains it's all over the internet. There have always been spoiled entitled people, but no one heard about them. In the last year I have seen 2 or 3 stories. But how many hundreds of thousands of couples aren't complaining? Where I live giving cash has been the norm since before my grandparents were married in the 1930's. But I've never heard anyone complain about people not "covering their plate".

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I think the problem is today's smaller world. Before the Internet and reality TV, those of us living in the NYC metro area had big elaborate weddings, showers, engagement parties, etc., and folks gave generous gifts, and all was well. No complaints.

About 20 years ago or so, the word traveled to other areas about these customs, and brides divided they wanted to hold these events in areas where they weren't the norm, expecting people to pony up. People should stick to the norms of where they live.

But, don't criticize the traditions of regions where these wedding traditions have remained unchanged for 50+ years, and say they are tacky. On these threads, it's rare for someone from this area to criticize smaller gifts, and punch and cake wedding receptions.

I have to laugh when complainers bring up that weddings are over the top these days. Not here.

Traditions are one thing & yes they vary widely from place to place. But, you have to admit there is some pressure to "keep up with the Jones" when it comes to elaborate weddings & generous gifts. If a couple wants an elaborate affair because that's the tradition, and they can afford it, no problem. If they go into massive debt expecting their guests to bail them out, not so cool.

Ditto the expectation from a guest's perspective. If a close family member or close friend has to decide whether or not to attend a wedding based on whether or not they have the money available to give an "appropriate" gift, I find that kind of sad.

And considering that the income inequality between rich & poor is more exaggerated in NYC than anywhere else in the country, I can't imagine this hasn't caused some issues somewhere along the way.

 

[DaisyD]

I've never gone with the "cover your plate" mentality and have only read about it on the Dis. We have always given cash at weddings and how much depends on two things. How close we are to the couple and what type of reception. We always give more for the lower cost weddings then we do for the bigger ones. My reason is they must already have lots of money if they are having a huge reception and therefore don't need the cash. For backyard bbqs and the like I give more because I figure the couple needs the money. Why toss money to cover a plate when it was the couples idea to blow a ton of money on one day. I'd rather give to the couple that needs it.

 

[mjkacmom]

Traditions are one thing & yes they vary widely from place to place. But, you have to admit there is some pressure to "keep up with the Jones" when it comes to elaborate weddings & generous gifts. If a couple wants an elaborate affair because that's the tradition, and they can afford it, no problem. If they go into massive debt expecting their guests to bail them out, not so cool.

Ditto the expectation from a guest's perspective. If a close family member or close friend has to decide whether or not to attend a wedding based on whether or not they have the money available to give an "appropriate" gift, I find that kind of sad.

And considering that the income inequality between rich & poor is more exaggerated in NYC than anywhere else in the country, I can't imagine this hasn't caused some issues somewhere along the way.

Maybe there are issues, but I never heard of any. This area of the country has the oldest marrying age average, 28 for women, 30 for men. And parents still chip in, if not pay for the whole thing (my parents paid for my wedding, I was 28).

I think there are probably younger brides, in other areas, wanting the big wedding, but not having the larger incomes folks here have, and they expect to recoupe the weddings costs from the gifts they receive, even if they live in areas where large cash gifts aren't the norm. Here, wedding gifts aren't expected to pay for the wedding. I don't know anyone who went into debt for a wedding (not saying it doesn't happen, but with so many with student loans, that would be dumb).

When a 20% down payment for a home is $80,000, many don't even buy a first home until their 30's. Also, many couples will pass on the big wedding, and have small intimate affairs, or just head to Vegas. The older you get, the more practical you get. I can pretty much guarantee that dd19 will not have a big wedding, too frugal, too practical.

 

[Minnesota!]

$25 for acquaintance, $50 for relative, and whatever you are comfy with for close friends and family. A very dear friend of mine is getting married this summer and I started a savings account 2 days after she got engaged so I can give her the huge gift she deserves (marrying her Prince Charming after so many abusive, horrid relationships...)...

Sorry, off topic there - I am just giddy for her

 

[Oreo Cookie]

These days if a couple complains it's all over the internet. There have always been spoiled entitled people, but no one heard about them. In the last year I have seen 2 or 3 stories. But how many hundreds of thousands of couples aren't complaining? Where I live giving cash has been the norm since before my grandparents were married in the 1930's. But I've never heard anyone complain about people not "covering their plate".

I will say that I have never heard anyone I know talk about the value of the gifts they received. They were grateful. I never mentioned who gave me what, or how much. I do think there are a few very spoiled and entitled people who make internet news for their appalling behavior, but for the most part we're brought up to appreciate any gifts that are given to us.

 

[Hrhpd]

I think the problem is today's smaller world. Before the Internet and reality TV, those of us living in the NYC metro area had big elaborate weddings, showers, engagement parties, etc., and folks gave generous gifts, and all was well. No complaints.

About 20 years ago or so, the word traveled to other areas about these customs, and brides divided they wanted to hold these events in areas where they weren't the norm, expecting people to pony up. People should stick to the norms of where they live.

But, don't criticize the traditions of regions where these wedding traditions have remained unchanged for 50+ years, and say they are tacky. On these threads, it's rare for someone from this area to criticize smaller gifts, and punch and cake wedding receptions.

I have to laugh when complainers bring up that weddings are over the top these days. Not here.

I grew up in Bergen County so am well aware of the NYC Metro area and the traditions, which by the way have changed. It is easier to see when you step away than if you have stayed in the area for those 50 years. My thoughts stand that entitlement has grown to a crazy level.

 

[mjkacmom]

I grew up in Bergen County so am well aware of the NYC Metro area and the traditions, which by the way have changed. It is easier to see when you step away than if you have stayed in the area for those 50 years. My thoughts stand that entitlement has grown to a crazy level.

So, entitlement in Bergen county has increased?

 

[ICF]

I think basing your gift on the venue is one of the crazier things that is perpetuated on these boards. A gift should be based on what you can afford and how close the bride and groom are to you.

100% agree -- my gift is going to be based on my relationship with the couple getting married, not the type of post party they have.

I will give the same amount no matter if they hold the reception in a lavish hall, a backyard or a church basement.....

 

[aprilgail]

I went to a quincineara last year that was at a venue used for weddings. In the main ballroom complete with cocktail hour and sundae bar. I'm guessing about $100 per person or more. I gave the 15 year old girl (my SOs deceased cousins daughter) $60. I couldn't see myself giving $200 to a 15 year old to cover our plates. It still is a child's birthday in my eyes. And I plan on throwing my DD a nice quincineara but would never assume anyone to cover their plate. I'm expecting gifts in the $50 range per family. Not per person.

my daughter turned 16 this year as did all her friends- a couple kids had a small sweet 16 in their backyard but most had them out at either VFW type halls or wedding type venues. Most of the ones out the kids all had "courts"- for my daughters she just had all the kids in her court wear any black dress they already had (or black suit for the one boy) other sweet 16's the court all had matching bridemaids type dresses, matching shoes hair etc- just like a wedding! But as far as gifts I was shocked at some of them- only one kids gave less than 50.00 and most of them gave 100 and up! For the adults the gifts ranged from 150-300 per couple. I was blown away at some of the amounts people gave!

 

[elaine amj]

I live in a small blue-collar city and weddings here typically range from $30/plate to $100/plate. At my own wedding close to 20 years ago, our friends (poor college students) gave us about $30 each, typical gifts were about $50 or so. Generous gifts from close family and friends were about $100 and we had a handful of super generous gifts of $200-$400. This was all per family. Folks who bought us stuff from our registry did not also give us cash - it was an either/or thing. Our food was about $30 or so per plate (if I recall correctly). My FIL "paid" for the meal - although we did give him most of the cash gifts we received the help cover the food costs.

I don't have any clue anymore - I've probably committed a million faux pax over the years because of these unspoken social customs. UGH. I spent $400 on each of my nieces and nephew for their wedding showers, but didn't give a cash gift on top of that for their wedding. Just didn't occur to me at that time. These days, I give about $100 for my husband and myself to attend a wedding. One time a friend invited us to her daughter's wedding in another city. It was going to be very fancy (they are wealthy) and I turned it down - I would have felt obligated to give a larger gift and to be honest, at that time, it was more than I wanted to spend for a night out + dinner. We were not close to the daughter. I've since discovered the liberating feeling of turning down wedding invitations. I LOVE attending weddings - when it is someone we genuinely want to celebrate with. I now do my best to turn down the social obligation ones.

 

[aprilgail]

. I've since discovered the liberating feeling of turning down wedding invitations. I LOVE attending weddings - when it is someone we genuinely want to celebrate with. I now do my best to turn down the social obligation ones.

I try to turn down as many as I possibly can- unless its someone I am super tight with I say no thanks. Cousins, kids of friends I don't really know well etc--I would just rather not spend the money to go to something I don't enjoy. I can NOT stand to be around people that are drinking or drunk and every wedding I have attended is just like a giant drunk night.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I try to turn down as many as I possibly can- unless its someone I am super tight with I say no thanks. Cousins, kids of friends I don't really know well etc--I would just rather not spend the money to go to something I don't enjoy. I can NOT stand to be around people that are drinking or drunk and every wedding I have attended is just like a giant drunk night.

I have one suit - keep it for weddings & funerals. I find each to be about equally "enjoyable".

 

[Julie's Haircut]

I have one suit - keep it for weddings & funerals. I find each to be about equally "enjoyable".

I'd rather go to funeral than a wedding these days. Seriously. While I wouldn't necessarily call funerals "enjoyable," they're better than a wedding. And I'm at the age where more people I know are likely to die than get married. So lucky me.

To the original question, I'd say $50 per guest for someone you're not very close to, like a casual co-worker or a friend's kid. More for closer friends and relatives; $75 to $100 each guest. Perhaps up to $200 each for siblings.

The choice of venue has no bearing on how much I would give.

 

[Julie's Haircut]

My father-in-law varies his wedding gift based on how well he liked the reception, whether the food was good, did he have a good table or was he stuck far back in the corner, was the music too loud, open vs. cash bar, and probably 1000 other variables. I suppose he has a base amount for a gift, then adds or subtracts bills from the envelope. I've seen his do this on a few occasions, and DW said he's done this all his life.

 

[aprilgail]

My father-in-law varies his wedding gift based on how well he liked the reception, whether the food was good, did he have a good table or was he stuck far back in the corner, was the music too loud, open vs. cash bar, and probably 1000 other variables. I suppose he has a base amount for a gift, then adds or subtracts bills from the envelope. I've seen his do this on a few occasions, and DW said he's done this all his life.

LOL- I have taken bills out of my envelope at weddings but only twice- 2 times in 30+ years of attending weddings two did not have a open bar- it is so unheard to have a cash bar at a wedding that it catches you off guard. I never bring cash to weddings so even if I just wanted to drink soda that is part of the cash bar and I take some cash out of my envelope.