Goin off the rails on a crazy train....(UPDATE pg 2)

[Toby'sFriend]

as long as you're not hitting, shaking or hurting your baby, a meltdown that is imited to yelling is not cause to go out and get on drugs.

Nobody said anything about getting on drugs. What they said was that she should call her doctor. Not all PPD is treated with drugs and not all symptoms after Pregnancy are caused by PPD.

I was convinced I had PPD after my 2nd child but what I really had was extreme tiredness aggravated by being anemic.
Looking at her journal, these "meltdowns" seem to be a more than one time kind of thing.

Personally, for the sake of the baby (and my likely the husband,) I'd be seeking help.

 

[gymnasticsmom68]

As far as I can tell, they are not a 'just once' thing. And as far as I'm concerned,

as long as you're not hitting, shaking or hurting your baby

is this really the most that should be expected from a new Mother? I wonder how that 6 week old baby feels when his Mommy is yelling and screaming at him? Is this really how we're supposed to gauge parenting? 'If you're not hitting or shaking him' you're doing just fine. I'm afraid I disagree. That is some pretty low expectations there.

Do your baby a favor TOV get yourself some help before your next blow up. Because I personally cannot imagine yelling at my brand new baby and I've had 3.

 

[Melora]

I do believe you are misinterpreting what I am saying...
First I am not reading her journal..... all I read was that she had a very bad day and lost it.... not uncommon for a new mom....

I did NOT intend to imply that screaming at a baby was at all OK .. I said it can happen once or twice . My comment about as long as she is not hurting the baby was directed AT THE RARE TIME SHE HAS A MELTDOWN . Only the holier than thou will say they have never lost their temper and yelled at child too young to understand, then felt like poop afterwards. Of course I am sure some will reply that they have never felt the urge to yell at a young child, and for that I commend you.

I did not mean to imply that as long the baby was being hurt anything else beyond that was fine.

For heavens sake people.. mellow out. I am trying to be supportive of the OP. If anybody actually read what I said, I noted that if it was more than once or if it was escalating she should get help.


Edited to add: Listen, I certainly do not want to argue about anything..it is very unlike me to argue at all (I HATE the debate board) ..... if ever something like this happens and someone misinterprets what I am saying I end up feeling bad about it for the whole day....

I really really do not want to wake up tomorrow morning and find out that Im still misunderstood. I am not kidding when I say I will feel bad all day.. why do I care..?? Oh I dont know... but I do...

I dont want any babies to be hurt... Of course NOT.. but I really just wanted to let the OP know if it only happened the once not to get too stressed out over it.

 

[yourtravelpro]

Originally posted by Melora
I do believe you are misinterpreting what I am saying...
First I am not reading her journal..... all I read was that she had a very bad day and lost it.... not uncommon for a new mom....

I did NOT intend to imply that screaming at a baby was at all OK .. I said it can happen once or twice . My comment about as long as she is not hurting the baby was directed AT THE RARE TIME SHE HAS A MELTDOWN . Only the holier than thou will say they have never lost their temper and yelled at child too young to understand, then felt like poop afterwards. Of course I am sure some will reply that they have never felt the urge to yell at a young child, and for that I commend you.

I did not mean to imply that as long the baby was being hurt anything else beyond that was fine.

For heavens sake people.. mellow out. I am trying to be supportive of the OP. If anybody actually read what I said, I noted that if it was more than once or if it was escalating she should get help.


Edited to add: Listen, I certainly do not want to argue about anything..it is very unlike me to argue at all (I HATE the debate board) ..... if ever something like this happens and someone misinterprets what I am saying I end up feeling bad about it for the whole day....

I really really do not want to wake up tomorrow morning and find out that Im still misunderstood. I am not kidding when I say I will feel bad all day.. why do I care..?? Oh I dont know... but I do...

I dont want any babies to be hurt... Of course NOT.. but I really just wanted to let the OP know if it only happened the once not to get too stressed out over it.

I understand what you were saying and doing Melora, you were giving her emotional support. Unlike others here who so quickly want to judge!!!!

 

[Christine]

Melora,
ITA with you!!! I understood exactly what you are saying.

I am one of those people who tires very easily and when I do, I am very quick to lose my temper. Fortunately for me, when I "lose" it, it really involves being extremely cranky and snapping at people. But if I don't get enough sleep and feeling that my life is one big treadmill, I fall apart fairly quickly.

I remember all to well the feelings I had after having both my children and returning to work. It was exhausting: Get up at 5:30 a.m., change/feed/dress baby, get work stuff together while baby is fussing, get baby to sitter, make 1 hour commute to office. Deal with office idiots only to come home to baby who 2 out 5 days a week was either sick, smelled like vomit, or was crying all the home. Get dinner together while feeding baby. Spend evening doing laundry and getting baby's bag ready for the next day. FORGET about exercise, FORGET about TV, FORGET about any time to decompress.

It's rough being a mom who works outside the home--or a mom that has more than just one child. You get ABSOLUTELY no downtime. This would make many people cranky, snappish, and extremely frustrated with their baby (and DH).

I do agree that it is wise to track the number of meltdowns and bring up how tired you feel with the doctor, but I'm not sure if this is automatically considered PPD. Sounds like she could just be exhausted. I have to say, unfortunately, in this day and age, a doctor will just throw some Prozac at you.

 

[shortbun]

Hi TOV!!!

I'm reading your posts and I think you are so smart to realize
you are having these problems. I think you will find your moods
go up and down pretty radically with this issue sometimes.
Call your girlfriends and explain to them what is going on. Tell
them you need some help. Your DH doesn't understand and
you probably need their help convincing him too that he needs
to listen to you and take heed. Call your doctor now and get
in to see her tomorrow at the latest.
Post partum is not a weakness, it can hit anyone and there is
no shame in it, it's just a chemical and hormonal imbalance
that takes time to go away. It can get worse before it gets
better and you need help through it.
You are so wise to sense this in yourself. Good job. Taking
care of yourself will in the long run take care of your child.
This is real and out of your control. You need help to get
through it and toughing it out is not an option. Men don't get
it and that's ok but call a girlfriend, sister, your doctor, aunt,
anyone woman you think will understand.

 

[snoopy]

This went way beyond an everyday meltdown when TOV said this in her first post:

I'm scared to touch him, scared to feed him, scared that his crying might set me off and I'll start beating the **** outta him and won't be able to stop.

I'm thinking a call to the doctor should be the very first priority. Yes, PPD is very real and happens more frequently than we know about, hence the reason I for one feel adamant she should make that call. I would give that advice to anyone who appeared here on the CB with that same type of threat. Its nothing to play around with and its sure as heck not time for me to play arm chair psychiatrist. Please do give the doctor a call, TOV. Good luck.

 

[Kallison]

Hugs to you, taking care of a baby is hard, I can't imagine working full time. I think DH needs to take into consideration your suggestions to scale back, he will only be small once.

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

I think you should have called the doctor yesterday.

Well..tbh..my doc won't be in until Monday and I REALLY don't like her on-call weekend replacement. I feel more comfortable with her than I do with him. I WILL call her tomorrow..I promise.

And for whoever suggested the alternative daycare or me drivng to MILS..well..that's not happening either. Several reasons.
1)Daycare in this area is too expensive for us to even do it part time. That's why we decided NOT to do daycare..that and I don't want him coming down with every cold, ear infection and whatever else comes down the pike. Our next door neighbor's 9 mos old is in local daycare and I'm honestly surprised one of them hasn't lost their job yet for having to stay home with her all the time!

Why don't I drive to MIL's, you ask? Well....and I'm SO embarrassed to admit this but....I don't drive. Not really. I am comfortable driving to work and around town a little itty bitty bit. But going to MIL's would entail going on the freeway which I am not and probably never will be, comfortable with.

Call your girlfriends and explain to them what is going on.[/qupte]
If I had any shortbun, I would, but I don't.

I have to say, unfortunately, in this day and age, a doctor will just throw some Prozac at you.

You are probably right and I don't think I'd mind. Not only would Prozac help with the PPD, but it would most likely make me lose weight. My mother was put on Prozac for depression and she said once she was put on that she almost stopped eating because it made her feel not hungry all the time. Two benefits from one drug? I say yay!

Ok..sorry. That was snarky. Disregard.

Because I personally cannot imagine yelling at my brand new baby

Well good for you. I'm glad you're such a perfect parent.



TOV

 

[Barb D]

Originally posted by TheOtherVillainess
...Why don't I drive to MIL's, you ask? Well....and I'm SO embarrassed to admit this but....I don't drive. Not really. I am comfortable driving to work and around town a little itty bitty bit. But going to MIL's would entail going on the freeway which I am not and probably never will be, comfortable with.

...TOV

TOV, maybe now is the time to expand your comfort zone, for your sake and the baby's! I wonder if your DH or some more compassionate friend could help you practice and get over your fear. Trust me, as James grows up you're going to HAVE to drive on the freeway...to soccer, music lessons, friends' houses...

The situation you're in now is not acceptable, and SOMETHING has to change. Seems to me driving on the freeway is probably the easiest thing to deal with!

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

Well maybe by the time he's ready for soccer practice I will be ready to drive on the freeway. I literally *just*started driving about 2 1/2 years ago, Barb and it's taken me that long to get comfortable driving where I drive now.

*edited because I forgot to add I did attempt to drive on the freeway..well the N.Dallas Tollway actually...one time to get to WillowBend Mall in Plano and boy was THAT a disaster. Almost got myself and DH into an accident. That right there has scared me off driving the freeways for awhile. I had been driving for almost 2 years before I could even psych myself up to handle a local 4 lane road. I just don't think I'm ready for the freeway yet.***


TOV

 

[Doesney]

Originally posted by TheOtherVillainess
I still feel t hat way today..I'm scared to touch him, scared to feed him, scared that his crying might set me off and I'll start beating the **** outta him and won't be able to stop.
I don't know what's going on with me..I don't like screaming at the baby. II'm scared I'm going to hurt someone..possibly the baby. I wish I could stop feeling this way but I don't know how to make it stop.

TOV

TOV,


You need help and it should be immediate. The fact that you feel a little better has nothing to do with being well. PPD is nothing to be ashamed of, but NOT getting help and having something horrible happen IS.

The fact that you posted is a cry for help, but internet strangers are not in a position to do anything. Please talk to a real live human to get some clear perspective.

Yelling at a newborn is clearly abuse, but it can be dealt with before anything drastic happens.

Call a PPD hotline, do something but do it NOW.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I do believe you are misinterpreting what I am saying...

Melora, I'm not deliberately trying to misunderstand you or fight with you. Of course I've lost my temper with my children and yelled when I shouldn't have. I too am only human.

I just strongly feel that a new mother who is writing that she is starting to feel like Andrea Yates (in her journal) is in strong need of medical care much more than she needs internet hugs or a Disney planning video.

 

[gymnasticsmom68]

quote:
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Because I personally cannot imagine yelling at my brand new baby
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Well good for you. I'm glad you're such a perfect parent.

Wow, if not screaming at my newborn baby makes me perfect, then I guess I am. If only I'd known that was the gauge we were goinbg by.

Maybe you should consider giving up your job for a while, it sure seems like an awful lot of stress on you to go work at food court in the mall. I can't imagine the money makes it that worth while.

I won't apologize for the things I said last night. She said she didn't want to hold or feed her baby because she felt like she would beat the **** out of him. Go read her journal for a little while, you might get a different opinion.

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

Maybe you should consider giving up your job for a while, it sure seems like an awful lot of stress on you to go work at food court in the mall. I can't imagine the money makes it that worth while.

You're right. Retail in any form..be it a sales position or food service..is extremely stressful. And if I could afford to stay home, believe me I would. It was difficult enough for us to make bills when I took 6 wks off for maternity leave and that was WITH us saving up some money prior to me taking off. We just cannot afford to have me be a SAHMmie, as much as I'd love it.

DH and I are not big spenders. The last time we went to a movie was like 4 wks ago and that was the first time we'd been to a movie in over 3 mos (last one before that was in mid Nov when we went to see Love Actually). We don't have cable. We don't buy a lot of 'toys'. We don't buy the newest CDs and DVDs. We hardly ever go out to eat. We don't even have anything but basic phone service and call waiting. Our ISP is through DH's work so t hat we don't have to pay more than like 9 bucks a month or something and it's not DSL..just dialup.That's it. We have given up all the things we thought we 'had' to have because we knew were having a child. If there was any more we could sacrafice for me to be a SAHMmie, we'd do it but we just can't. We have crunched the numbers and even if I sold my car and gave up my car insurance, we couldn't make ends meet. It's that simple. Without my paycheck, certain bills that can't afford NOT to get paid don't get paid. I like having heat/a-c and running water, too ya know.

TOV

 

[Toby'sFriend]

Haven't you just posted that you are making 2 car payments -- and that you are too scared to drive your car anyway? If you didn't need to go to work, you most likely wouldn't need 2 cars right now. Sell a car and if you still come up too short have your DH pick up a morning paper route or something. Or sell both cars and get something much cheaper with one smaller payment.

With a minimum wage job, you can't be clearing more than a couple hundred bucks a month after that 2nd car payment. Switch to cloth diapers instead of disposable, use a clothes line instead of your dryer and make your own baby food and you'll probably cover most of the difference.

When my first son was an infant, DH and I shared a Dodge Omni for YEARS. And yes, it wasn't terribly comfortable but the car seat did fit in the back.

 

[gymnasticsmom68]

Maybe both of you could get better jobs so you could work less hours. Even if you are are working 40 hours, minimum wage cannot be enough to live on. I think if you want to change things, you can. Maybe your MIL can come to your house to watch the baby. It's up to you and your husband to fix things. You can't come here, say the things you said and then expect people to turn the other cheek and pretend you didn't say it.

 

[gymnasticsmom68]

With a minimum wage job, you can't be clearing more than a couple hundred bucks a month after that 2nd car payment.

ITA, right now you're probably making just enough to cover the car payment, insurance and gas. If you gave up your job, you could give up your car. Then you would be breaking even.

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

What's min wage right now? $5.15/hr? I'm making a little more than that..not much, but enough to cover the bills. I am confident driving where I am comfortable with, but no more than that and I don't go anywhere I don't have to so I don't use as much as gas. I also don't use the A/C in my car because I know it's a gas drainer and I don't want to have to fill my tank up any more than I need to.

Maybe your MIL can come to your house to watch the baby.

Well,MIL has a life too ya know. I feel extremely grateful she's babysitting for us at ALL. She has other things she has to do during the day, most of which she can take the baby to thank goodness.

Maybe both of you could get better jobs so you could work less hours. Even if you are are working 40 hours, minimum wage cannot be enough to live on

Now you're just trying to make me angry. I've been searching for a better job for months with no success. Right now,DH is lucky to even HAVE a job. Shortly after I took off for maternity leave (and DH for paternity leave..paid thank goodness because he had vac hrs stockpiled), DH's pos at his company was downsized. Most of the people in that pos got a severance pkg. DH was kept on as F/T at his same pay rate. We were thankful he still HAD a job instad of getting fired. Within the last two weeks, he's taken a promotion at another store so that we could get back on our feet financially.

TF--IF we could afford to sell my car we would. As it is..we're having trouble selling DH"s current car (which we are switching out for an older Jeep with a lower car payment and more room..long story). IF you know anyone in the DFW area looking for an '02 PT Cruiser..let me know. We have one we have to get rid of and quicklike.

I never said I was scared to drive my car..just scared to drive it on the freeway. Two different things there, TF.

TOV

 

[gymnasticsmom68]

Well,MIL has a life too ya know. I feel extremely grateful she's babysitting for us at ALL. She has other things she has to do during the day, most of which she can take the baby to thank goodness.

Couldn't she do the things just as easily from your house. If's she's already taking the baby, does the starting point really matter?