Goin off the rails on a crazy train....(UPDATE pg 2)

[TheOtherVillainess]

Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had since I became a mother. Thursday morning, I got up and fed DS around 7 am. He spit up all over his white outfit he was wearing and I didn't want the stain to set, so I changed him and put the outfit in the duck bathroom sink to soak. I turned on the cold water to soak it and somehow managed to forget about it. Half an hour later, I get up because I think I hear DH in the shower and go to check. It turns out there is two inches of water on the bathroom floor as well as the hallwaybecause I forgot to turn the water off. The entire hallway carpet is soaked and we end up spending almost an hour and a half trying to clean it up. We borrowed a wet/dry vac and some fans from DNeighbor to try and get the floor dried up. We've still got fans on it, hoping to dry it up as much as we possibly can so it doesn't mold or something.

Normally..doing something as stupid as that would tick me off because it was a stupid mistake, but yesterday, something about that accident set me off. I ended up spending most of the day crying my eyes out, yelling at DH and DS and I'm not sure why I was yelling at them. All I know is I felt really upset and I felt like I might hurt DS if I held him or fed him or whatever. I still feel t hat way today..I'm scared to touch him, scared to feed him, scared that his crying might set me off and I'll start beating the **** outta him and won't be able to stop. My confidence in what little parenting abilities I seemed to have has shattered into a million pieces. I've even thought about calling in sick to work today just to stay home and examine what's going on in my head, but I know I can't. We need the money too bad.

I think this is what they call Postpartum Depression, but I'm not sure. Not really. I want to call Dr.Boyd and talk to her,but I don't know if it would help or make things worse. I should be able to handle these feelings on my own, shouldn't I? I mean..if I'm having PPD, doesn't that mean I'm just weak and a bad parent? I don't know what to think anymore. I can't seem to focus on anything for very long. I'm surprised I'm able to focus long enough to put my thoughts down since I've had the attention span of a two year old lately.

Everything seems to be crumbling..I just can't seem to keep up with DH and the baby and the house. He said yesterday he didn't care what the house looked like but I care. It bothers me that it's turned into a pigsty because by the time I get home from work, I'm too tired to do anything except MAYBE cook dinner, feed DS and fall asleep on the couch. I don't have the energy to work out, therefore my weight won't go down and I'll just get fatter and fatter and fatter. I'm scared of turning into one of those 700 lb monsters you see on TV.

The last week or so, I've felt more like DS' babysitter than his mother since I'm with him so rarely. I see him in the morning when I get up, I go to work and DH goes to work, taking him to DMIL's for the day. I don't see him again until late in the evening or sometime late that night when DH finally gets home from work with him because DMIL doesn't want to drive all the way out here to drop him off after I get off work. By the time DH gets home usually, I'm asleep or getting ready for bed and DS is out, too. So it's not like we have a lot of interaction. I feel like he sees the inside of DH's car and his grandparents more than he sees me right now.

But then again..if I'm having full on freak out meltdowns like I did yesterday, I'd rather him NOT see me at all. I know that sounds bad, but I don't want him to get hurt because I'm going off the rails on the crazy train. I want him to be safe and I don't think he can be safe around me anymore. I kinda tossed out the idea of getting divorced to keep him safe from me yesterday but DH said he wouldn't do it. He said we could get through this, we'd figure it out somehow but divorce was not the answer. I suggested selling the house so I could be a SAHMmie but he said that was out,too. We'd worked too hard to get this house and then to fix it up and get it ready for DS' arrival to sell it now. I suggested selling my car, he said that wasn't an option either. Every option I came up with for me being a SAHMMie was roundly thrown ou t by DH.

I know I asked him at least a couple of times yesterday to lock me up in a rubber room so I didn't hurt anyone..not him, not the baby, not myself. He said that was a stupid idea, that I would get through this because I'm tough and it couldn't keep me down for long. He said this was happening because my hormones were still outta whack from the birth and the BCPs weren't helping any at all.

I don't know what's going on with me..I don't like screaming at DH or the baby. I don't like the way I felt yesterday or now. I'm scared I'm going to hurt someone..possibly the baby. I wish I could stop feeling this way but I don't know how to make it stop.

TOV

 

[liznboys]

I'm sorry I have to make this quick, and I didn't read your entire post... But post partum depression is a VERY serious and REAL thing. It is not your fault either!!!!!!!!!!!! Call your Dr ASAP. There are meds out there that can help you. Don't be ashamed or embarassed, you have to help yourself for your sons sake.

I post on BabyCenter.com where I've read many stories of women with this, it is a common thing, you just need some help!!

 

[KathyTX]

Call Dr. Boyd. Call NOW.

The sooner you ask for help, the sooner you can be in control of your emotions again. This is much more common that many realize, and I'm sure Dr. Boyd will be able to help you.

 

[Planogirl]

I agree with the others. Call your doctor. What you're going through is quite common and nothing to be ashamed of. But you will need help getting through it.

Good luck.

 

[snoopy]

Please get off your comptuer and call your doctor IMMEDIATELY!!

 

[Jeanny]

definitely call your doctor... post partum is nothing to fool around with. At least you've recognized early what's happening to you.

 

[gymnasticsmom68]

Get yourself some help SOON!

 

[CEDmom]

Call your doctor. PPD is not something you can or should handle yourself. I don't think there's a mother out there that can't relate to your feelings of being overwhelmed. What may have triggered yesterday was that the sink accident just added so much to your already maxed out schedule. I imagine there were many things you had hoped to accomplish but instead had to deal with cleaning up a big mess. Don't beat yourself up about it. If you start to feel overwhelmed put your DS in his crib and walk away for a few minutes. Even if he's crying he'll be ok and you'll have a chance to pull yourself together.

Good luck.

 

[mickeyboat]

Call your doctor. PPD is a very real and serious condition. I applaud you that you can see you need some help. Your DH sounds like a keeper!

Being a new mother, especially a working mother is an incredibly difficuly challenge. It may help you to know that you have joined a sisterhood of mothers who have gone through the same things you are experiencing.

I think you will also hear from other SAHM's that you can stop working if you and DH are willing to make sacrifices. I am sure they can give you lots of tips on how to manage one income - if that is what you decide to do.

I felt tremendous guilt and fear with DD#1. My family was tremendously helpful, as was DH. There are lots of resources available to help you through this stressful time. Your doctor can steer you towards the right ones for you.

Good luck. Remember that we are here for you.

Denae

 

[Celluloidgal]

Good for you that you know "something" is wrong.

I had PPD mildly after #2, but it hit hard after #3. Thankfully, my friends & family noticed. I went on meds, and felt MUCH better! We were prepared when #4 came. I was on meds during the pregnancy & postpartum. A world of difference!!!

I encourage you to seek help (meds/counseling). It does get better!

 

[monkeyboy]

Originally posted by snoopy
Please get off your comptuer and call your doctor IMMEDIATELY!!

I agree

 

[MICKEY88]

please call your Dr. immediately, take care of yourself, and your precious child...

 

[Dan Murphy]

Wishing you the best, ToV. I certainly go along with what others have said above, call NOW.

 

[Hillbeans]

Please call your doctor. It sounds like this last incident was what really is making this sound more serious than just having a bad day. PPD is serious and you need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your DS and DH.

Take care of yourself.

 

[disneygals]

The first year of a baby's life can be the best and the worst at the same time!! There is no crime in getting help. You can't will yourself out of post-partum depression...it is NOT YOUR FAULT!!

Take Care!

Vivienne

 

[Sandy V.]

I agree with everyone else; please contact your doctor immediately. You need to take care of yourself! This is not your fault - being a new mother is exhausting and overwhelming at times!

Best of luck to you, and let us know how you're doing!

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

It's strange how opening your mailbox can bring you such joy. I finally arrived home this evening around 5ish, exhausted and extremely cranky from work. I get out of my car and go to my mailbox. Bill,bill,magazine,junk...oh wait. There's somethng stuffed waaaaaaay in the back. It's a BOX! More importantly..it's a BIG box..with the Disney logo! w00t!

Everybody I know knows the kind of thrall anything with those ebony mouse ears hold over me. My computer room at home has a Mickey Mouse poster (courtesy of my MIL cleaning out her attic..it was in Brandon's room as a child) and a Mickey Mouse cordless phone. Every time the phone rings, Mickey sings out a different phrase like "Hiya pal! YOU"VE got a PHONE CALL!Heh heh." I used to have a photo of the Cinderella Castle by night taped to the speaker on the right hand side of the monitor, but it's since disappeared. Up until James was born, the desktop picture was a photo of the Partners statue in WDW by night with the Castle behind it and fireworks lighting up the night (now it's a piccie I took the first day or two home with James snuggled on Brandon's chest )

I was so excited about the WDW vac planning video (even though we're not going to be able to go till James is at least 3)that I was inspired to clean. That's right. Clean. I folded some laundry that'd been sitting in the laundry room since my meltdown on Thurs. I picked up the living room AND the kitchen, wiping down the countertops with OrangeClean and scrubbing the glasstop stove with some SoftScrub to get off the gunk accumulated in the last couple days. I watched the video, tears coming to my eyes as I thought about the days Brandon and I'd spent there on our honeymoon back in '99 and on our last trip there two years ago. I thought about the smile that would be on James' face when we first took him and fantasized about a family trip that included Ron and Bev as well as Brian,Jess and little Elijah Cruce.

I haven't felt this good in two whole days. I'm still planning on calling Dr.Boyd on Monday and talking to her about this whole PPD thing. But at least I know it's not permanent now. I realize it's OK to have a meltdown once in awhile, as long as I realize meltdowns aren't permanent and part of being a mom. You have to go off the rails on a crazy train once in awhile or you really WILL end up in a rubber room.

 

[gymnasticsmom68]

I realize it's OK to have a meltdown once in awhile, as long as I realize meltdowns aren't permanent and part of being a mom. You have to go off the rails on a crazy train once in awhile or you really WILL end up in a rubber room.

Actually it's really not ok to meltdown so bad that you yell at a 6 week old baby. I think you should have called the doctor yesterday.

 

[Melora]

Everyone has a bad day..... everyone yells sometimes.... as long as you're not hitting, shaking or hurting your baby, a meltdown that is imited to yelling is not cause to go out and get on drugs.

If the meltdowns were daily or almost every day, then stronger intervention might be necessary, but a once or twice episode is not abnormal.

Ive had 5 kids, and I know those first few months can bring with it strong emotions as your hormones settle back to normal.

Go ahead and talk to your doc, she/he will give you signs to look for to make sure that things arent going to get worse.... (Im sure they won't!)

 

[Barb D]

I'm glad today went better, but I agree that you should still call your doctor. You are under an INCREDIBLE amount of stress right now. I can't imagine working full time with a 6wo baby, and not even seeing him that much.

Is there any way YOU could drive to your MILs, maybe spend the evening with the baby there while your MIL is there to help you, and then go home later? Or maybe find daycare closer to home?

The bottom line is that you're stressed and depressed, and there are medications and counseling that can help.