Gift vent

[disneymom3]

It's only about appreciating what you get if there haven't been any of these pre-arrangements. When your in-laws won't tell you what they got your children, but ask you for suggestions, then it's a control issue. And it's completely passive-aggressive, in my opinion.

On the other hand, it's also time for the OP to say, "I'm sorry, but you continue to ask for gift suggestions and either ignore them or duplicate items I'm giving, so I won't be able to help you out. I'm sure the children will love and appreciate anything you choose for them."

This is what I am doing. From now on I am not providing a list at all. I am asked and asked for one, the one I provide for DH and myself is never good enough and they don't get the stuff off of the kids lists. I wouldn't care if they didn't get stuff off the list, but I try to put things on there I know the kids would like and then I don't buy those things myself. Then, they never shop off the list. The only one who actually gets what he wants is my DH if HE gives some ideas for gifts for himself. Never off of the list I make. So, I am not going to bother anymore. I will return duplicates if they come up, but no more lists for me. It is just an excercise in frustration.

 

[Colleen456]

Next time she asks just tell her anything that comes with a gift receipt

 

[disykat]

After years of my mother asking me for suggestions of what to give the kids and me stuggling to give suggestions that dh hadn't already given to his parents, my dad mentioned to me in a fit of anger that one of the things that makes him mad is that I "tell them what to buy the kids". My mom's on her own from now on!

My dh tells his parents everything on the kid's wish list. Then we are stuck worrying about getting doubles, etc. I've tried to get him to stop - to no avail. I finally told him I'm not worrying about it and if his parents get duplicates, oh well!

 

[disneymac]

Next time a gift needs to be exchanged, tell her that the child would love to shop for the exchange WITH HER!

Hope you have a happy Christmas - in spite of the control freak!!

 

[clh2]

Bananiem...while this advice won't help for this year, it may help for other times, i.e. birthdays, next year.

I used to always suggest the whole list to everyone who asked. Then I had the same problem as you!

As people ask me what my DD might like...I suggest 1 type of category to 1 person. I.e., this year, my mom/dad wanted to know what to get my DD11. They were given a list of things related to flute/music. One of my sibs was given "anything from a bead store", another sib was given "craft hammer and an assortment of eyelets", another a hooded sweatshirt, etc. There are 3 aunts/uncles that will just get their own gift without needing a suggestion-which is fine!

This leaves what we wanted to get DD off limits to other well-intentioned gift givers. It has worked well for several years!

Good Luck!

 

[jwsqrdplus2]

I wish it were my ILs that did this. Then at least I could blame DH!!! But, no....it's my parents that are the problem, more specifically, my mom. While I understand her point of view, it makes it VERY difficult for me as the parent to deconflict 3 sets of grandparents (DH's folks are divorced and both remarried), 2 aunts, Santa and us.

I tried the whole amazon wish list. It worked great for his family and my sister. They would purchase off amazon or tell me so I could delete from the "official" list. My mom on the other hand prints off the list and takes it shopping. Then doesn't tell me or DH what she got. 3 years running she duplicated EVERY single gift by not communicating (me and DH included). Talk about a return nightmare!

The last couple of years I have figured out a system. DH and I put together a master list. We remove from the list what we (and Santa) plan to buy. I then give my parents (meaning mom) a small section of the list with a variety of price ranges and some suggestions for gift cards along with sizes. My mom is a teacher, so I can guarentee she will lean towards educational toys, so that is what goes on her list.

Everyone else (my sister, DH's sister, DH's mom and stepdad, and DH's dad and stepmom) gets the "master" list. And they actually deconflict with me or DH. I have done this the last 2 years, and thankfully no duplicates. But it is a painful process.

You would think that the woman who gave birth to a mini-me would get it, but she doesn't!!

 

[tiberius]

We have taken a different approach here, the problem relative like that was given just 1 idea--and not one from parent's or Santa's list. It is less of a problem now that they are teenagers (might I add it's about the only smaller problem about teenagers ).

 

[powellrj]

my MIL was the worst. I would make sperate lists for everyone with things of different price levels so that they could get several smaller items or one larger item. I made sure there were no duplicates on the list. OH NO, wasn't good enough for DMil. She had to ask the kids what they wanted and then get them that. I tried to explain to her that the reason I made the list was so we didn't duplicate the gifts, but every year I would end up returning everything I had bought and things others had gotten because she had already gotten them.

One years I was super stressed and just sat down in the kitchen and cried. I told DH I couldn't face returning all the stuff again. He told his DM that she would have to return all the duplicates because I couldn't do it this year with my job and 3 children.

Next year she waited until the week before christmas and called me and asked me if I could take a day off work and go shopping with her. Sure, it was a pain to take off work and lose a days pay, but it was easier that returning all the stuff. The next year she asked me if I would just buy things for her. I use to go to store and just pick things up and drop them off, but a couple of years ago I got smart and now I just on-line shop and ship things to her. It works out better, but now she does things like take the instruction booklests and little extras out of the boxes and doesn't give them to the kids. Last year I got DD the American Girl movie that came with a booklet. DD didn't get a booklet, I mentioned it to DMil and she said she didn't know what I was talking about. DD found the book later a long with other instruction books in their spare bedroom.

She is my teacher in how NOT to be a MIL.

 

[minkydog]

As far as the kids not getting what they want, we never told grandparents the things our kids really really wanted. We always purchased those and gave the grandparents the "second string" list of gifts! That way, the kids weren't disappointed if they got something not on their primary lists.

This is what we do, too. I give each side of the family different lists so there is no way they can overlap and all the "really good stuff" comes from us.

 

[Laura]

Like I said, I tried that and then she got something completely different and my kids ended up NOT getting what they wanted from anybody then.

Sounds like you need to tell her about the things the kids want least. Or just stop giving her ideas period!

 

[C.Ann]

My DD's MIL does something similar to this, but her heart is in the right place.. As soon as my granddaughter makes out her list for Santa, MIL copies it down and runs right out and buys a good 90% of what's on the list.. That leaves my DD, her DH & I in a bit of a pickle trying to figure out what WE should get.. Luckily we always manage to find items that are a big hit, but we have to work a lot harder in order to find those "wow" gifts..

 

[tiggerlover]

I don't have time to read all the replies, but wanted to respond to what works for me. My family and inlaws used to do this and we would end up with a lot of duplicates. Now when DS makes his list I divide it by three, one list for me, one for my side of the family and one for the inlaws. This has worked out nicely in years past and whatever wasn't bought DS usually buys himself with gift certificates or money he receives.

 

[DVCLiz]

This is what I am doing. From now on I am not providing a list at all. I am asked and asked for one, the one I provide for DH and myself is never good enough and they don't get the stuff off of the kids lists. I wouldn't care if they didn't get stuff off the list, but I try to put things on there I know the kids would like and then I don't buy those things myself. Then, they never shop off the list. The only one who actually gets what he wants is my DH if HE gives some ideas for gifts for himself. Never off of the list I make. So, I am not going to bother anymore. I will return duplicates if they come up, but no more lists for me. It is just an excercise in frustration.

I share your pain!!!!!

Just to let folks know that this happens no matter what, both my former in-laws and my parents are now deceased. So DDs get gifts from their dad and stepmom, me (Santa) and my brother. We have NEVER been able to coordinate a list for the children between mom and dad - he just won't participate. So that's OK, I just get everything they really want at my house, and then they have several nice but unexpected gifts at his house (last year new LL Bean duffles, this year North Face jackets.) Not anything they asked for, but still nice gifts. So that leaves my brother, right? This year DD12 is getting a Nintendo DS, so I told him he could get one of the games that goes with it. Even told him which breed of dog I already had - a five minute drive to Target and he's done, right? Nope - "I hate to stand in line and they have to unlock those cases, so I didn't get her that." Mmm, OK, what did you get? "Oh, I got this remore control helicopter." HELLO - who are we shopping for - ourselves or our 12 year old niece?? So an expensive toy will be played with twice - once on Christmas morning and once before I say, "Hey, you've never played with this - can I send it to the thrift shop?" next year when we clean out her closet before Christmas. All because he was too stubborn to stand in a line at Target for five minutes.

Again, this is not a random we-don't-like-the-gift-you-chose-and-we're-going-to-whine-about-it scenario. This is a strict list situation. he asks for one every year, then he decides not to buy anything from it. I learned a long time ago to fill it with things the girls would like, but that have nothing to do with what's on their "real" lists.

Oh My Gosh!!! I feel so much better now that I've vented about this!!!!

 

[leight]

My kids are spoiled at Christmas- but this year was by far the easiest! We moved to FL last year so MIL, aunt, as well as our Canadien ILs(dh was born in Canada, adopted in US so these are his birth families) all sent me checks- so I just used the toys that I have been buying that I know my kids would love- and divied them up for all of the grandparents to give the kids, some from santa and some from me & Dh.

That way there will be no duplicates, the kids will be thrilled, parents saved shipping costs and probably would have spent more on the kids anyway-and mom & dad are putting the cash towards our own WDW trip in January

 

[barkley]

i guess i am lucky in this area-my mom is at the stage in her life (age and health wise) wherein she is no longer able to shop so she just sends me a check to get the kids something under the tree and has my brother (who does her banking) order the savings bonds. my mil is actualy very good at coming up with ideas (i suspect she watches the "top toy" segments on the news ) and will ask for a list with "ideas" (not nesc. specific items). she has learned (through trial and error) to always check and see if the kids have a particular dvd before she buys it.

what drives me nuts is the pile of age inappropriate toys i have in the garage-before my mom became unable to shop she went through a stage where i believe she was convinced that she would not live long enough to gift some items she felt our kids (esp. my dd) would love to have (a prime example is a 40 odd peice china (yup, real china) child's tea set that although my dd is now 11 i still won't let her have). we also have a build it yourself "real working engine" model my late fil bought ds when he was around 4, and an oil paint by number (adult style) set!

 

[froglady]

I also have a separate list for relatives, friends etc. It consists of things the children would like, but not anything they specifically want.

Since no one on my side of the family (except my mother) gives them gifts anymore, and only 3 of my inlaws do (Step mother-in-law sends checks now) it isn't a very long list.

One SIL asks for one or two very specific items, and I'm happy to oblige. She will NOT vary from the list, so is the perfect person to ask for a movie or game. The other SIL wants many, many ideas and will veto suggestions as I give them to her. She also becomes very determined about certain things. Nice, but determined. DH had to run out to a 7-11 on Christmas Day to find ingredients for a recipe that she just HAD to make for Christmas dinner last year, because she knew we'd love it. Perhaps she didn't like what I had planned? I'll never know.
So she might say, "Would DH, DS, DD like ___? " I'll respond honestly, but she will continue to contradict me..nicely...and they'll get it anyway. I then have to find a place to store it; I can't get rid of it, as she keeps track on subsequent visits. If I say it got broken or lost, she'll only replace it. See, I told you she was nice.

 

[FayeW]

I have to ask...why in the world would you give your child(ren)'s ENTIRE gift list out to anyone????? I see several of you give out the list and then end up returning duplicates! Just give a suggestion of a gift or two to whoever asks, and leave it at that.

For the poster who suspects the inlaws bought the same gift, OPEN IT! If they won't tell you what they bought, open it and find out. You don't want the child disappointed on Christmas Day! If it is the same as what you have already bought, then you have time to either return yours, have them return theirs, etc. If not, wrap it back up, no harm done!

 

[froglady]

I think some of the posters are upset because the relatives ask the children themselves what they want from SANTA, then go out and purchase it. I feel that SANTA and MAJOR gifts should be from the parents, and would also get upset at relatives who decided to usurp what I consider a parental role. Now, if a grandparent wants to help a parent, and INVOLVES THE PARENT in purchasing a Santa or large gift, that's fine.