Gift vent

[bananiem]

Both sides of the families want gift ideas for the kids. Fine, I can give ideas. But then my MIL refuses to tell me which of the ideas they're going to use so that I can make sure that either Santa or I don't duplicate them. They want it to be a surprise for me! I don't want a surprise that means that I have to stand in the return line!!!!!! It's a surprise for the kids, not me. This has been going on for 11 years so I'm sort of used to it, but it still ticks me off every year. I've explained it 'til I'm blue in the face and she won't tell me what they get the kids. I've even tried only giving one or two ideas so I'll know what they're getting the kids, right? Nope, she bought them stuff they didn't ask for.
Anybody else like me or like my MIL?

 

[Texan Mouseketeer]

We always make sure we tell the in-laws and my parents different wish items than each other. We also make sure that what we tell them are things we are not getting our kids for sure. This way we never have the problem with duplicate gifts.

 

[LeCras]

That would drive me absolutely nuts! Just last night I had a call from my dad (what can I say, he's a late shopper lol) to co-ordinate presents for my brother and sister - common sense if you ask me...

Charlotte

 

[Ava83]

I feel your pain, my FIL's girlfriend (who really does love my child like a granddaughter) will not tell us what they get also, and from the looks of the package we have the SAME GIFT! and D,D,H (who is about 3 seconds away from a snappy wife) will not call and ask! Why you ask no clue.

I do tell everyone different things, my MIL listens, my parents put cash 529 but FIL I cannot even tell.

 

[bananiem]

We always make sure we tell the in-laws and my parents different wish items than each other. We also make sure that what we tell them are things we are not getting our kids for sure. This way we never have the problem with duplicate gifts.

Like I said, I tried that and then she got something completely different and my kids ended up NOT getting what they wanted from anybody then.

 

[inaminute]

I wouldn't think of not telling my sons or DIL what we purchased for the grandson! Why take the chance on duplicate gifts? How much fun would that be for the kids?

The only time I wouldn't tell them is if I were planning a family gift--like a trip or something. Then, I'd want to surprise them all. Otherwise, I think to not tell them is just plain rude.

As far as the kids not getting what they want, we never told grandparents the things our kids really really wanted. We always purchased those and gave the grandparents the "second string" list of gifts! That way, the kids weren't disappointed if they got something not on their primary lists.

This year, the grandson has it figured out and told everyone he wanted something different! Smart kid.

 

[clarabelle]

You are not alone. I think it is a control thing. My MIL will tell me what she got -she just won't follow my suggestions and she won't ask for sizes.
I try to suggest stuff to her that are general and at the bottom of their lists.
Like "art supplies" "bubble baths"
That way if they don't get it -or get too many it is not such a big thing.
It is very irritating -but she is good to them and us in general -so I try not to get too wound up about it.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Like I said, I tried that and then she got something completely different and my kids ended up NOT getting what they wanted from anybody then.

I do not agree with them not telling you what they got. With that said, it is not about gettting what you want but appreciating what you get.

 

[rascalmom]

How about saying, "Here is their wish list, these are the things Santa is definitely getting, these are the things I am getting - the things highlighted are Parent approved & still available."

That way, you will know that the kids are getting what they want from you & Santa & it doesn't make it so disappointing if they get creative & go with something not on the kids' lists.

 

[bananiem]

How about saying, "Here is their wish list, these are the things Santa is definitely getting, these are the things I am getting - the things highlighted are Parent approved & still available."

That way, you will know that the kids are getting what they want from you & Santa & it doesn't make it so disappointing if they get creative & go with something not on the kids' lists.

NO, no, no. This is the woman that if I say "I need a sweater in any color except green, because I have too many green ones" will get me 2 green sweaters for my gifts.
I only give out the ideas that we aren't already doing, either from us or Santa. We don't gift our kids throughout the year. They know if they want something "big" they need to ask for it at Christmas or birthday.

 

[Castlebound]

I'm sorry that she does that. We give my side of the family a different list than we give my ILS and that has worked out well. My MIL only bought stuff not on her list one year and was upset to find out that three out of the five gifts she got my DS he got two hours before at my aunt's house. We always make sure that there are several things in different price ranges on each list so that our families do feel like they have options. After the kids help be make the lists I go back through and make notes next to the items that the kids really want. One my side of the family all the women send the kids out to play football with the men. After they leave we sit at the dinning room table and look over everybodies lists. In about 30 minutes we all know what we are getting everybody. If for some reason that changes before Christmas we always call and let them know about the change.

No, it isn't just about the gifts and it is about the thought behind the gifts. But I at least hate putting thought into a gift only to find out that someone else already got them that gift.

 

[disneymom3]

Oh oh oh!!!! I am so thrilled to read this because you have found someone to commiserate with in me!! I am the woman who was standing in line at Toys R Us yesterday returning the gift Santa was bringing for DS4 because he got in on Sat at the IL Christmas. It was NOT on his list. Yes, he had talked about wanting it, but I specifically told MIL I did not put the things on their lists that they were already getting. She also refuses to tell me what she has gotten for the kids. I was then wondering what the H!@# I was supposed to then get for him. I was also quite annoyed because it was my goal to NOT be in the stores this week and there I was. I am organized for a reason, thank you!

On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have DD who had several things on her list that she would have been very excited to get. She was given something so totally NOT on her list and something she never would have asked for and doesn't like.

From now on I am refusing to celebrate Christmas before Christmas. THEIR gifts can be the repeat ones. I'll still have to return them but at least I won't have to reshop the week before Christmas.

 

[lillygator]

Ughhh - I hate this too! The outlawz never ask what the girls need/want...one year we ended up with many duplicate Little People sets...

 

[Brianne]

My mother was like that for a number of years--I don't really know what possessed her to stop hiding the gifts from me, but I'm not complaining.

 

[DVCLiz]

I do not agree with them not telling you what they got. With that said, it is not about gettting what you want but appreciating what you get.

It's only about appreciating what you get if there haven't been any of these pre-arrangements. When your in-laws won't tell you what they got your children, but ask you for suggestions, then it's a control issue. And it's completely passive-aggressive, in my opinion.

On the other hand, it's also time for the OP to say, "I'm sorry, but you continue to ask for gift suggestions and either ignore them or duplicate items I'm giving, so I won't be able to help you out. I'm sure the children will love and appreciate anything you choose for them."

 

[DisneyArk]

Yes, I can also relate to this problem!! I've tried several different approaches, but every year we still have duplicates!! My dad bought my ds5 the "big" thing that ds wanted from Santa.
I sure hope that Santa has a backup plan!

 

[EthansMom]

Like another poster mentioned, the list that I give my MIL doesn't have anything on it that Santa or Mom and Dad is planning to give the kids. Likewise, with the list that I give any other grandparents.

In fact, I gear each wish list towards the purchasing trends of the grandparents. My Mom and Stepdad are usually more than happy to get the kids books, videos, new jammies, which are gifts the other grandparents might spurn. My MIL and StepFIL like to give the puzzles, educational toys, and games. My FIL and StepMIL prefer to give the outrageous toys that are electric -- along the lines of big remote control trucks, electric scooters, etc. My Dad and StepMIL just send a check, which is usually used to pay for any gift the kids wanted but didn't receive.

If you have problems with a relative giving the same toys that Santa is bringing, then don't let that relative know what Santa is bringing. Make a nice, long list to show her -- but it should be separate from the list of stuff Santa is bringing. Of course, if there are control issues, you don't actually have to say that it isn't your Santa list.

 

[missypie]

Gosh, this thread has actually made me appreciate MY MIL!!! I was irritated, because MIL announced this year that she is not doing any shopping. (She is in good health.) That would be totally fine if she would just send the kids a check or gift cards...they are old enough to appreciate that. But no, she wanted US (meaning ME) to go out and shop for a gift for each of them (won't tell us exactly what her price range is), and wrap them up and put them under the tree...okay...just MORE things for this working mother of three to do while she sits in her house on her retired butt refusing to shop.

But OP, what your MIL does is much worse!

 

[JCJRSmith]

We always make sure we tell the in-laws and my parents different wish items than each other. We also make sure that what we tell them are things we are not getting our kids for sure. This way we never have the problem with duplicate gifts.

Same here. That way, we have no surprises, and the kids do.

 

[mickeyboat]

Gosh, this thread has actually made me appreciate MY MIL!!! I was irritated, because MIL announced this year that she is not doing any shopping. (She is in good health.) That would be totally fine if she would just send the kids a check or gift cards...they are old enough to appreciate that. But no, she wanted US (meaning ME) to go out and shop for a gift for each of them (won't tell us exactly what her price range is), and wrap them up and put them under the tree...okay...just MORE things for this working mother of three to do while she sits in her house on her retired butt refusing to shop.

But OP, what your MIL does is much worse!

I actually did this this year, and I loved it. My parents (who are divorced) went in together to get the kids a doll house and a bunch of accessories. I get the fun of shopping for something I know they are going to love, I get to see their faces when they open it, and I don't have to pay for it.

I always let grandma and grandpa be the heroes every once in a while. I give them lists, always with something that will excite the kids. My paents weren't able to do a lot of shopping this year, so I was glad to help them out. When I was little, that's what my parents did for my grandparents. It didn't change my level of appreciation for what my parents or Santa gave me, but it gave me great memories. My grandparents "financed" my first nice watch, me heart charm that I still wear, and my Barbie dreamhouse.

But, missypie, I can understand your frustration with someone who just refuses to shop if she is able and has some ideas on what to get the kids. A gift card would have been completely appropriate.

Denae