gift giving vent

[momz]

long story. I'll try to be brief.

An acquaintance of mine approached me regarding a mutual friend in need. She wanted my family to go in with her on paying for the school book rental fees for the children of this friend of ours. I agreed, with the understanding that this gift would be anonymous. I told her my reasons. The acquaintance agreed to keep the gift anonymous.

Well to cut to the chase, the woman paid the book rental fees (I gave her our half in cash), and decided to put the receipt in a Christmas card to place in our friend's mailbox. This all sounds fine except that the woman also included a handwritten note that references blessings from God. Now, I certainly don't have a problem with God or his blessings. But, the handwriting and the reference made it quite easy to know who had penned the note.

In the end, my friend obviously figured out that the card was written by this acquaintance, and asked her about it. Turns out the acquaintance acknowledged that she had paid the book rental fees, then she sent me an email letting me know that she will not share with our friend that I had actually paid for half of the bill.

So, as a result, I am feeling a bit irritated with the acquaintance because she had agreed to keep it anonymous, but didn't. Then took 100% credit when it wasn't due to her.

I don't feel comfortable with people who use their charitable contributions as a way of making an impression on other people. I guess if she wanted acknowledgment and appreciation, I wish that she would have just paid all of it and left me out of it. I just don't like it.

By the way, I have no intention of setting the record straight, so to speak. I'm not going to reveal any of this to my friend, because my feelings remain. I want my gift to be anonymous.

 

[dzneelvr]

I believe your friend had the best of intentions--she just didn't know how to handle an unfamiliar situation and probably should have done what she could have for the family without pulling you into it Hind sight is 20/20 you know so lesson learned

 

[irish_trip_mom]

I just wanted to add that I think it was completely selfless and generous of you to do this for this person. You truly have a good heart.

 

[msmayor]

How can you be irritated with her? What was she supposed to do as far as a note is concerned? You indicated that she didn't sign the note, but the woman figured it out...that happens sometimes. She didn't mention your name when asked about it since you specifically asked not to be identified. She honored your wishes.

You gave the gift which was very generous. You didn't want to be identified because you wanted it to be a selfless act...that's very honorable. Being upset now about NOT being identified takes away a little from what you originally intended.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

She could have said "Yes, I paid the fees with another person but they want to remain anonymous."

 

[FLAngie]

She could have said "Yes, I paid the fees with another person but they want to remain anonymous."

My thoughts too.

 

[OceanAnnie]

She could have said "Yes, I paid the fees with another person but they want to remain anonymous."

I thought the same.

 

[Telcogirl]

She could have typed the note up on a computer instead writing it out by hand. I know all my friends & families handwriting, so it would not be hard to guess for me.

You did a wonderful thing, and even though you don't get "official credit" for it, it counts!

 

[Epcot luvr]

Your story reminded me of an episode of the Larry David show. Gosh, I think that was all kinds of wrong of the other friend to handwrite the note. Sleezy, IMOP, again just my opinion, she knew the friend would recognize her handwriting she could have typed it. I guess just chalk it up to live and learn, very nice of you to pay the fees by the way.

 

[Jachred]

long story. I'll try to be brief.

An acquaintance of mine approached me regarding a mutual friend in need. She wanted my family to go in with her on paying for the school book rental fees for the children of this friend of ours. I agreed, with the understanding that this gift would be anonymous. I told her my reasons. The acquaintance agreed to keep the gift anonymous.

Well to cut to the chase, the woman paid the book rental fees (I gave her our half in cash), and decided to put the receipt in a Christmas card to place in our friend's mailbox. This all sounds fine except that the woman also included a handwritten note that references blessings from God. Now, I certainly don't have a problem with God or his blessings. But, the handwriting and the reference made it quite easy to know who had penned the note.

In the end, my friend obviously figured out that the card was written by this acquaintance, and asked her about it. Turns out the acquaintance acknowledged that she had paid the book rental fees, then she sent me an email letting me know that she will not share with our friend that I had actually paid for half of the bill.

So, as a result, I am feeling a bit irritated with the acquaintance because she had agreed to keep it anonymous, but didn't. Then took 100% credit when it wasn't due to her.

I don't feel comfortable with people who use their charitable contributions as a way of making an impression on other people. I guess if she wanted acknowledgment and appreciation, I wish that she would have just paid all of it and left me out of it. I just don't like it.

By the way, I have no intention of setting the record straight, so to speak. I'm not going to reveal any of this to my friend, because my feelings remain. I want my gift to be anonymous.

Some people need to help other people... Maybe you helped two people this Christmas, The one who needed the books and the one who needed a self esteem boost? Once the money left your hands and you wanted to remain anonymous, you shouldn't worry about the present other than the money went to its intended purpose.

Don't be irritated, just feel blessed you have enough to be able to help.

 

[a1tinkfans]

I just wanted to add that I think it was completely selfless and generous of you to do this for this person. You truly have a good heart.

Totally Agree!!!!

HAPPY HOLIDAY TO YOU and YOURS!

 

[kaytieeldr]

She could have said "Yes, I paid the fees with another person but they want to remain anonymous."

The way it actually happened reminds me of the movie "Selena" - where her employees were pitching in to buy her a gift, and underhanded Yolanda offered to pick it up (because she knew exactly the ring to get), then gave it to Selena as a gift from herself only ("I bought you...").

No, I don't usually cite movies to make a point - but this particular movie was fact-based.

 

[momz]

Some people need to help other people... Maybe you helped two people this Christmas, The one who needed the books and the one who needed a self esteem boost? Once the money left your hands and you wanted to remain anonymous, you shouldn't worry about the present other than the money went to its intended purpose.

Don't be irritated, just feel blessed you have enough to be able to help.

Thank you for putting this perspective on it. It helps me to let it go. And you are absolutely right.

I guess what was bothering was that I felt like the woman had agreed with me to keep the gift anonymous, but then didn't make much of an effort to follow through on that. Ultimately leading the recipient to believe that she had provided this "blessing from God" herself.

But...I'm letting it go. I cannot do anything about the situation at this point. Thanks again for the different perspective.

 

[daisyduck123]

I would be irritated as well.

Can I ask "book rental fees" for what? Does this "family in need" have their children in private school? If they do, I might of had a problem helping to pay for that.

 

[dreamin_disney]

How can you be irritated with her? What was she supposed to do as far as a note is concerned? You indicated that she didn't sign the note, but the woman figured it out...that happens sometimes. She didn't mention your name when asked about it since you specifically asked not to be identified. She honored your wishes.

You gave the gift which was very generous. You didn't want to be identified because you wanted it to be a selfless act...that's very honorable. Being upset now about NOT being identified takes away a little from what you originally intended.

some people just need all the attention. I think what her friend did was wrong she took 100% CREDIT for something she wasnt 100% deserving of. She should have mentioned there was also an anonymous person who donated 1/2 the cost.

 

[wtrmlnlabs]

I know you already feel better and some great comments were posted but I wanted to add anyway...
Some people really, truly don't understand what they've done. I have relatives you have to always think twice about everything they say or do. It's so easy to take it the wrong way at first but when you think on it, realizing how they are, you see it wasn't intending to be mean or rude. I agree it would have been best for the friend to say "yes, it was shared with someone that wants to stay anonymous" but really I don't think I would have thought that fast!! I bet they didn't think about the note being a dead giveaway and were likely surprised that the person "figured it out". I know many people where this would be the case.
No matter what, I'm glad you posted and everyone has seemingly made you feel more comfortable about it all.
Happy Holidays!!!

 

[daisyduck123]

She should have mentioned there was also an anonymous person who donated 1/2 the cost.

Yep.

 

[bumbershoot]

She could have said "Yes, I paid the fees with another person but they want to remain anonymous."

Ayep.

The way it actually happened reminds me of the movie "Selena" - where her employees were pitching in to buy her a gift, and underhanded Yolanda offered to pick it up (because she knew exactly the ring to get), then gave it to Selena as a gift from herself only ("I bought you...").

No, I don't usually cite movies to make a point - but this particular movie was fact-based.

And it's a little bit frightening with the Yolanda/fellow gift giver connection. (I would have put an emoticon but that felt too light given the sadness of the subject of the movie)

 

[msmayor]

some people just need all the attention. I think what her friend did was wrong she took 100% CREDIT for something she wasnt 100% deserving of. She should have mentioned there was also an anonymous person who donated 1/2 the cost.

You're right...but some people don't always say exactly the right thing when put on the spot with a question.

My point was that since the OP didn't want the recipient to know that she had contributed...because it didn't matter to her...it shouldn't matter to her how the other woman answered the question.

 

[marlynnp]

I would be irritated as well.

Can I ask "book rental fees" for what? Does this "family in need" have their children in private school? If they do, I might of had a problem helping to pay for that.

I don't know where the OP lives but I have friends in Indiana and they have to pay the 'book rental fees' in public school.