gift giving vent

[daisyduck123]

I don't know where the OP lives but I have friends in Indiana and they have to pay the 'book rental fees' in public school.

Ok thanks. Well if that's the case (I've been teaching in public schools for 20 years & have NEVER heard of that) then I wouldn't have a problem with that at all.

 

[momz]

You're right...but some people don't always say exactly the right thing when put on the spot with a question.

My point was that since the OP didn't want the recipient to know that she had contributed...because it didn't matter to her...it shouldn't matter to her how the other woman answered the question.

I guess I should clarify about what it is that bothers me. I had a conversation with the co-contributer concerning my feelings about being anonymous. We talked at length about why I feel this way. At the conclusion of this conversation she agreed that this would be an anonymous gift. But, consequent to that, she delivered the gift in such as way as to allow the recipient to be able to know who had left that card. Then, when the recipient asked her about it, she took total credit for the whole gift. I'm left feeling that the co-contributer was dishonest in her promise to me to keep it anonymous, and also was dishonest with the recipient when she identified herself as the giver. (not to mention, she had said the gift was a "blessing from God"...but then took credit for it as a blessing from herself...but that's between her and God, not me).

In the end, I would give the gift again...anonymously. But, in the future, I will probably not go about in this way.

By the way, the fees are to a public school. It certainly isn't the equivalent of a private tuition fee, but also, it was no small sum. The money came from our emergency fund actually. That fund will be replenished over the next 6 weeks or so.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I guess I should clarify about what it is that bothers me. I had a conversation with the co-contributer concerning my feelings about being anonymous. We talked at length about why I feel this way. At the conclusion of this conversation she agreed that this would be an anonymous gift. But, consequent to that, she delivered the gift in such as way as to allow the recipient to be able to know who had left that card. Then, when the recipient asked her about it, she took total credit for the whole gift. I'm left feeling that the co-contributer was dishonest in her promise to me to keep it anonymous, and also was dishonest with the recipient when she identified herself as the giver. (not to mention, she had said the gift was a "blessing from God"...but then took credit for it as a blessing from herself...but that's between her and God, not me).

In the end, I would give the gift again...anonymously. But, in the future, I will probably not go about in this way.

By the way, the fees are to a public school. It certainly isn't the equivalent of a private tuition fee, but also, it was no small sum. The money came from our emergency fund actually. That fund will be replenished over the next 6 weeks or so.

It was a very nice thing you did.

I'd be miffed too. I'd get over it as I'm sure you will. But in the future, I would not be making any contributions with this person. It does look like she misrepresented some things, and that wouldn't sit well with me either. One mistake or misstep I could understand.

 

[ZuZugal]

I guess I should clarify about what it is that bothers me. I had a conversation with the co-contributer concerning my feelings about being anonymous. We talked at length about why I feel this way. At the conclusion of this conversation she agreed that this would be an anonymous gift. But, consequent to that, she delivered the gift in such as way as to allow the recipient to be able to know who had left that card. Then, when the recipient asked her about it, she took total credit for the whole gift. I'm left feeling that the co-contributer was dishonest in her promise to me to keep it anonymous, and also was dishonest with the recipient when she identified herself as the giver. (not to mention, she had said the gift was a "blessing from God"...but then took credit for it as a blessing from herself...but that's between her and God, not me).

In the end, I would give the gift again...anonymously. But, in the future, I will probably not go about in this way.

By the way, the fees are to a public school. It certainly isn't the equivalent of a private tuition fee, but also, it was no small sum. The money came from our emergency fund actually. That fund will be replenished over the next 6 weeks or so.

Sounds like the "co-giver" likes attention and just couldn't keep it a secret. With a hand-written note one would certainly think that a friend would figure things out.

I would feel just as you do. I also would not go in on a gift with the co-giver again.

And, what comes around goes around. I believe in the whole "karma" thing too. Her wanting attention may go the wrong way someday.

 

[sk!mom]

Sounds to me as if your friend never intended to give an anonymous gift.

You blessed someone at Christmas and have remained anonymous. You, unfortunatly also learned something about your friend.

Bless you for your generosity. Oh, and btw, I would tell the friend that I was disappointed that she didn't keep it anonymous as we agreed.

 

[KibbyCat]

OP, I'm sorry for your frustration. Something similar recently happened to me. I won't go into all the details, but let's just say that when a group of friends from church agreed to "adopt" a family for Christmas, we agreed to make it low-key. We went out and bought gifts, invited the family over for a get-together, and were "supposed" to inconspicuously give the family the gifts as they were leaving without making a big deal about it. Well, one person from the group decided to take over and make a big presentation out of it. They made the family sit in the middle of the room and then brought out the gift basket and made a big speech about it, then practically forced the family to open the gifts in front of everyone. This undermined everyone involved (not to mention put the recipients in an awkward situation).

I felt like it was unfair of that person to do that when we had all agreed not to take credit for the contributions.

So, I feel your pain.

 

[bgohre]

I don't feel comfortable with people who use their charitable contributions as a way of making an impression on other people.

Then I bet you hate Oprah!!!

 

[Telcogirl]

Then I bet you hate Oprah!!!

 

[luvsJack]

Are all of you friends?

The reason that I ask is that if, let's say, someone from my work did this type of thing for me; I would know exactly who did it. Not because they are my only friends, but because I know which ones would do this kind of thing. They wouldn't have to write anything or say anything--I would just know.

(ok, that sounds like I work with selfish people and that's not true. I mean that I would know who would organize something like that and who would know just the thing to do)